Deal With an Alcoholic Parent
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Alcoholism is an addiction and a visible symptom of some unsolved physiologic or psychological problem that makes a person's body dependent upon alcohol. The person may be obsessed with alcohol and unable to control how much they consume, even though they know that their drinking is causing serious health, relationship, and financial problems.
Alcoholism is a problem that spreads far and wide, and is one that affects people of all walks of life. Many families are affected each day by alcohol abuse. The problem often goes beyond just getting drunk - emotional abuse, money problems, and even physical abuse can contribute to, as well as be the result of alcoholism. Dealing with an alcoholic parent is never easy, but there are ways to cope. See Step 1 below for more information.
Note: This article assumes you've already determined that your parent is an alcoholic. It makes no assumptions about your other parent's role, which may, or may not be helpful or even relevant.
Steps
- Understand the causes of alcoholism. The most common cause is depression. It doesn't happen very often that a person becomes an alcoholic without being depressed; moreover, drinking does nothing but make one even more depressed. The only difference between being depressed when sober and being depressed when drunk is that people forget about themselves and can lose control of their actions when intoxicated. It's important to know that despite the fact that some actions are blamed on loss of control, the overall responsibility of their control is up to the person who is drinking. They are the ones who make the choice to drink, and so the person who drinks somehow eases a burden by pushing that responsibility off onto someone, or something else. It's more difficult to deal with your problems when sober; when you are drunk you can refuse responsibility for everything.
- Try talking to your parent when they are sober. Find a time when both of you are calm and your parent has not been drinking. Sit your parent down and discuss how their alcoholism makes you feel. Explain the problems that have arisen because of the drinking. You will probably not be able to convince your parent to stop drinking completely but you can at least encourage more responsible drinking and try to inject some realism into their understanding of the impacts.
- Make it clear what behavior you will and won't tolerate. This is not about telling a parent what to do–about ensuring your own safety and well-being. Say that if they keep getting drunk, you will take action (such as getting in help, leaving to stay with someone else, etc.).
- Encourage your parent to talk about possible reasons for the depression that fuels it. Showing compassion is not the same thing as tolerating or enabling your parent. You can encourage seeking therapy for the depression but don't be discouraged or surprised if your parent refuses to entertain this idea–it's fairly confronting as it requires taking responsibility.
- Ask your parent to take a gradual approach to reducing their reliance on alcohol. It won't work asking them to stop drinking all at once but you can tell them to at least decrease the amount of drinking day by day or week by week.
- Avoid arguing with a drunk parent. A heated argument with a drunk parent is one you will rarely win and it will make the drinker clam up in any future talks. There is a risk of you getting physically hurt, too. In addition, your parent may not even remember the argument the next day, though she or he might remember that they were mad at you.
- Avoid sounding as if you're accusing or nagging. Remember that as your parent, they will feel disrespected if you try to tell them what to do. Instead, phrase it as a request coming from their loving and concerned child.
- Stay consistent. If you tell your alcoholic parent that you will do certain things as a consequence of their drinking, stick to it. Inconsistency will only make your parent realize that you don't mean what you say and lets them continue to pull the emotional triggers that keep you stuck in enabling their behavior.
- Do not facilitate your parent's alcoholism by purchasing or obtaining alcohol for them. Equally, don't provide money for your parent to get alcohol with. If you've already gotten into a pattern like this, realize that while it will be hard to stop doing so, it is important to be consistent with your desire to see them sober again.
- Realize that your parent's alcoholism is Not your fault. Many alcoholic parents blame their children for their alcoholism. Even without having the finger pointed at you, it may feel like the fault is yours. It isn't. Your parent is the one who chooses to drink, not you. Part of the allure of alcohol is that it does allow a person to become a bit more "Teflon-coated"–in other words, rather than taking responsibility for their life and actions, alcohol lubricates the ability to level blame at others.
- You may feel resentment, especially if you've had to take over household chores.
- Let your feelings out. Get a journal and write down everything you feel. Or, if you're afraid your parent will find it, get an online journal and make it private. Clearing your history will help minimize the chances of getting caught. Keeping a journal may help you put your feelings into words. Finding ways to express your feelings will help you process and deal with them, whereas bottling them up inside will simply create a pressure-cooker type situation–and when you blow, it may be spectacular. That's not desirable. Instead, try to deal with things in smaller, daily bits.
- Looking after your feelings and yourself should be the biggest priority. Worrying all of the time about a parent's alcoholism is ultimately draining and can leave you feeling upset, confused and embarrassed. Exploring your feelings is an important part of acknowledging them.
- Don't depend on your parent or trust what they say they will do unless your parent has proven that you can depend on them. For example, if you're going out somewhere, make sure you have a backup plan in case your parent gets drunk and can't (or forgets to) pick you up. Always have backup plans, options and other people to help you out of tight spots if needed. Being resourceful will stand you in good stead both now and in the future.
- Do things that will take your mind off of the situation at home. Go out with your friends often and have fun. Joining a sports team, reading and drawing are also good activities that will help you escape when you need a break. There is not much you can do to control your own situation at home, so staying when you can with reliable family and friends who care about you will help you feel more stable and in control of your own life.
- Do not start drinking yourself. Children of alcoholics are three to four times more likely to become alcoholics themselves. Remember everything about your parent when drunk that you do not like and keep that in mind if you're tempted.
- Get out if your parent becomes abusive. Never tolerate abuse or violence. You need to get out before things escalate or continue the way they are if the abuse has been happening for a while.
- Have emergency numbers ready to fast dial on your phone.
- Know who to contact and where to go if you need a safe haven. Make sure you have enough money to get you to safety, well hidden.
- Do not hesitate–nobody deserves to be harmed, no matter what the relationship. You are not being disloyal when you seek to protect yourself.
- Do not be afraid to tell someone. A best friend, school counselor, trusted teacher, or family member are all good choices. They won't judge you, and they'll try to help. And knowing there is someone who knows or understands what you're going through can be very comforting if things get rough.
- It is a very good idea to tell a trusted person about your home's situation, as not only will you feel better for it, you'll also have someone "on your side". If talking with a friend, approach them (or their parents) and tell them of the severity of your parent's drinking; bring up the topic when the time is right. Ask if you can rely on them if you need a place to spend a night or two, should your parent get out of hand.
Tips
- Consider leaving as soon as possible. It isn't healthy to depend on someone who can't emotionally be there for you. Don't make excuses for them, buy them alcohol, or feel sorry. Doing these things only aggravates the problem. Even if you can't help your alcoholic parent, you can help yourself.
- Don't get your hopes up about things your alcoholic parent tells you unless they've shown that they come through in the past.
- When trying to talk to a parent, always try to catch them in a good mood when they're sober. Try not to sound too accusing, but let them know that you're serious.
- If you're paranoid about a parent finding your journal, make sure not to write anything you can get punished for. That way your parent will only find your feelings, and it may even cause him or her to rethink their habit.
- Examples:
- Okay - I hate it when my mom drinks, I feel as though she isn't my mom. I feel like she's just someone who randomly came home from the bar and decided to parade around looking like my mom.
- Not okay- My mom is stupid and I hate her!! I want to kill her because she drinks so much!!
- Always have a backup ride to take you home or to an important event, just in case your parent gets drunk before it's time to pick you up.
- If your parent tries to start an argument, try to keep your cool.
- Al-Anon is a support group for families that have an alcoholic. See if there is one in your area. They can give you strength and support when you need it most.
- Find a support group or simply a friend in the same situation, online or otherwise. They can help you deal with the issue, and you will have people to talk to that will know what you're going through.
- It is very important to know the difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse. Also, keep in mind that a person who drinks a beer a day cannot be considered an alcoholic.
- Create your own support group of friends and other family. You need someone there for you.
- Consider staging an intervention; make sure that there is a safe medical detox facility that your parent can go to afterwards.
- If you have split parenting, try going to the other parent/guardian's house for a while. Sometimes the alcoholic parent needs to see that you are serious about the problem and will leave if they won't. Sometimes parents don't grasp how painful this is for their kids until something like that happens.
Warnings
- Do not allow your parents to drive you anywhere while they are drunk.
- If you try to talk to your parent about the problem, s/he may get defensive and angry.
- If your parent(s) become abusive, or if you believe you are in danger, get out, and seek help.
- If one parent takes you away from your other parent without informing anyone or going through proper procedures (abducts you), call the United States Child Abduction Hot-line at 1-800-100-480.
- Depending on the laws of the state and country in which the parental abduction occurs, this may or may not constitute a criminal offense. For example, removal of a child from the UK for a period of 28 days or more without the permission of the other parent (or person with parental responsibility), is a criminal offense. In many states of the United States, if there is no formal custody order, and the parents are not living together, the removal of a child by one parent is not an offense.
Related Articles
- Encourage a Parent to Drink Less Alcohol
- Run Away from an Abusive Home
- Avoid Alcoholism
- Stop Binge Drinking
- Quit Drinking Alcohol
- Deal With a Depressed Parent
