Deal With Overprotective Parents

Many people feel their parents are overprotective. If your parents check in on you constantly and bombard you with questions about your personal life, you should take some steps to communicate your needs to them productively. Try communicating your frustrations, setting firm boundaries, and taking steps to reduce your parents' anxiety.

Steps

Communicating Your Frustrations

1. Pick a safe time and space. The first step to addressing overprotective parents is to have a frank conversation about your concerns. To assure the talk goes as smooth as possible, pick a safe time and space to talk.
   • Choose a location where both you and your parents feel comfortable. If you live at home, the living room or kitchen table might work. If you've already moved out, choose a neutral location like a quiet coffee shop so no one has the home team advantage.
   • Eliminate distractions. Turn off the TV. Put away your phone. Do not choose a location that is noisy, like a bar or restaurant. In order to have an effective conversation, distractions should be minimal.
   • Pick a time where there aren't externally enforced restraints. Do not choose right before work or bedtime, for example. Select a timeframe where there's plenty of time to talk so all parties involved feel like they're saying their piece. In the early evening, just after dinner, might be a good time.
2. Use "I" statements. It's important to avoid blame when having a difficult discussion. Try to use "I" statements. That is, begin your sentences with the words "I feel" first. This way, you're focusing on your own feelings and emotions rather than passing an objective judgment about the situation.
   • When communicating your feelings about the situation, make it apparent you're discussing your own perspective and not enforcing an objective assessment of the situation. For example, do not say, "It's really overbearing when you guys check up on me every five minutes when I'm out with my friends." This will make your parents feel like you're ignoring their side and making assumptions about their actions.
   • Instead, say something like, "I feel stressed out when you guys call and text a lot when I'm out. I feel like you don't trust me when you do things like that."
3. Communicate your needs and wants. Remember, you cannot expect your parents to read your mind. When having a difficult conversation, it's important to be as transparent as possible about your wants and needs.
   • Ideally, what would you like to come out of this conversation? Do you want your parents to, say, minimize how much they call when you go out? Ask fewer questions about your academic performance or career plans? How can your parents effectively back down? Think about what you want before beginning the conversation. Have some concrete goals and needs to express to your parents.
   • Express your goals in a way that is firm but non-judgmental and respectful. For example, say something like, "I would really like it if you could give me some space when I'm out with my friends. I don't mind following a curfew, but I would appreciate not having to answer texts and phone calls every half hour."
   • Express appreciation for your parents. The good news about over-protective parents is that they simply want to love and protect you, and they can learn to express their caring in a more productive way. Let your parents know you appreciate that they love you and want the best for you.
4. Do not minimize your parents' perspectives. While it can be very frustrating to deal with overprotective parents, you cannot minimize your parents' point of view. If you're trying to have an honest, effective conversation, consider their perspective.
   • Feelings, especially feelings provoked by anxiety, are subjective. While you may think it's unnecessary that your parents worry about a small cold turning into pneumonia, allow them to express this feeling without judgment. Acknowledge that you understand they worry about you as their child.
   • The key to understanding your parents is to identify why they feel the way they do. Try to understand the issues driving their overprotective nature. If they worry about your health, for example, did one or both of your parents lose a family member or friend to unexpected illness? Your parents likely have a very good reason for their fear, possibly based on their own experiences. While it's important not to let your parents fear dictate your life, understanding the root of a fear can help you better address it in the future.
   • For example, in Finding Nemo, the dad Marlin lost his entire family, his dear wife and all his children — all except one little egg. As a result, Marlin is extremely overprotective of his only son, Nemo. Marlin's traumatic past gives him an overwhelming fear of something bad happening to Nemo, so to be overprotective makes complete sense to him, even though it is ultimately not good for his son's development.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

1. Make it clear when you do and do not need help. Boundaries are important in a parent/child relationship. In order to become an independent adult, you need the space to make your own decisions and, sometimes, your own mistakes. Try to set clear boundaries with your parents regarding when you do and do not need their assistance.
   • Most people, usually early on in middle school, crave some autonomy from their parents. Overprotective parents may have difficulties allowing you to have more freedom, because worrying about you is one of their primary ways of expressing that they care about you. Overprotection is often inadvertently a form of control. You need to make it clear to your parents that you want clearer, firmer boundaries.
   • Let your parents know what is and is not appropriate. For example, you can tell them it's okay to be concerned about your physical wellbeing but that reminding you every day about the latest health scares is not helpful to your emotional well-being. You can tell them it's fine to want you to schedule a weekly phone call, but talking on the phone every day is a bit much.
2. Limit contact when possible. If you live away from home, sometimes limiting contact can be helpful. While it's great to have a relationship with your parents, if they tend to be overprotective you may need to shut them out a bit to reduce their anxiety.
   • If you've moved out of your house, you do not have to tell your parents everything. It might be best not to mention the person you've just started dating or the party you're going to on Saturday night. If such conversations tend to result in unsolicited advice and an onslaught of questions, just tactfully omit certain details of your day-to-day life.
   • Your parents may resist the lack of contact initially, but find ways to subtly get out of conversations. If your parents start pressing you for more details about your weekend, for example, give them a brief summary and then say something like, "But I can't talk too long. I've got to do laundry today."
3. Do not get sucked into negativity. Oftentimes, overprotective parents react negatively to their children establishing boundaries. Your parents may resist your desire for autonomy. If they react negatively, try to avoid getting sucked into drama.
   • If your parents are prone to dramatics, try to be firm if they take this out on you. If they try to pressure you to come back into the fold by going on about how much they worry, cut them off with something like, "I'm sure you'll worry less with time." Then, change the subject.
   • Find a friend with whom you can talk over your frustrations. Venting can actually help you avoid any unnecessary drama. Expressing frustration to a third party who is less emotionally invested in the situation can allow you to purge negative thoughts so you do not end up blowing up at your parents.
4. Have patience. Your parents are unlikely to change overnight, especially if they're overprotective by nature. Understand there will be an adjustment period when establishing new boundaries and rules for contact. Try not to get too upset over slip-ups and misunderstandings. It may take a few months before your parents understand your need for space and adjust to your newfound independence.
5. Learn what boundaries are appropriate. If you want to set boundaries with your parents, you need to learn what boundaries are appropriate given your age group. If you're in middle school, acceptable boundaries will be much different than if you're in high school or college.
   • Remember, your parents want to set boundaries to protect you and help you grow. Oftentimes, out of control children or teens secretly crave more boundaries in order to feel secure in their homes. Try to understand that your parents are acting in your best interest when it comes to rules.
   • If you're a preteen, it's not unreasonable for your parents to want to know where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing at all times. You should be willing to provide this information openly. However, as a preteen you likely have an increased need for privacy. It's okay to request that your parents, stay out of your room and don't go through your things, for instance.
   • If you're a teenager, your parents will expect you'll want to be more independent. You're in the stages of becoming an adult and getting ready to move out of the house. It's natural you may want a later curfew and certain freedoms, like being able to take the car out alone. It's perfectly reasonably to make these requests of your parents. However, keep in mind arguing and fighting only causes an increase in stress for both you and your parents. Be respectful when requesting increased freedoms. If you find the discussion becoming heated, remove yourself and take some deep breaths. Once you've calmed down, you can bring it up again, but this time ask calmly what their reasons are. Strive for compromise and win-win situations.
   • If you're starting college, your parents may struggle to let go. It can be frightening to watch your child enter the world as a young adult. It's okay to request that your parents not call you every day or ask you very personal questions, such as questions about your love life or your social life. However, having a weekly phone call with your parents can help ease their worries as they'll know you're okay.

Reducing Parental Anxiety

1. Consider the role of anxiety in overprotective parents. Do you consider your parents to be generally anxious people? Do they tend to worry about small details in day-to-day life in addition to you? Many overprotective parents have preexisting issues with anxiety that may make them extra vigilant regarding their kids. Try to understand your parents have your best interests at heart. Accept that anxiety, over which your parents likely have little control, is a major factor in how they behave towards you.
2. Show your parents you're capable of making good choices. If you want your parents to worry less, show them you're responsible. Making small changes to your day-to-day routine can help your parents see they do not have to worry.
   • If you live at home, approach your parents as soon as possible if you're asking for permission to go somewhere. Be upfront about who you'll be with and how long you'll be out. Your parents will appreciate your maturity.
   • Be aware that adults often follow many of the same rules they apply to you. For instance, it can be troubling to simply disappear and not let the people who care about you know where you are, even as an adult. Adults let each other know where they are going if they are in loving, healthy relationships. If you want to be treated as a mature individual, then show your parents you are trustworthy and considerate.
   • Do your homework without prompting. Strive to eat healthier meals. Do day-to-day chores. Show your parents you are mature. This will help lessen their anxiety about the decisions you make.
   • If you live away from home, try to fill your parents in on your accomplishments and small indications you're capable of taking care of yourself. Did you eat a particularly healthy meal this week? Clean your apartment? Did you make the Dean's list this semester? Try to mention this during your weekly phone calls home.
3. Be open to advice on occasion. Remember, sometimes your parents do know best. They are older and have had more life experience. If you're confused about something, it's okay to seek out your parents advice and be open to what they have to say. If your parents see you're mature enough to seek advice when necessary, they may worry about your decisions less.

Tips

• If you worry your parents have an underlying anxiety condition, gently suggest they seek therapy, stressing that you are concerned about them and you want to see them happy. Suggest you go to therapy together so you can learn more productive ways of setting boundaries with each other and communicating.

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Sources and Citations

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