Difference between revisions of "Wait to Have Sex"
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| − | Waiting to have sex is not easy these days. Sexual images blast us on TV and in popular music, and not every partner you find may share your views. However, if you know your boundaries and reasons for abstinence then you can stand firm in your beliefs. What's more, studies have shown that waiting for sex leads to happier relationships.<ref>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/28/AR2010102808034.html</ref> No matter what your reasons for waiting, abstinence is simply about respecting your own boundaries. | + | Waiting to have sex is not easy these days. Sexual images blast us on TV and in popular music, and not every partner you find may share your views. However, if you know your boundaries and reasons for abstinence then you can stand firm in your beliefs. What's more, studies have shown that waiting for sex leads to happier relationships.<ref name="rf1">http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/28/AR2010102808034.html</ref> No matter what your reasons for waiting, abstinence is simply about respecting your own boundaries. |
[[Category:Love and Romance]] | [[Category:Love and Romance]] | ||
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
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#*Getting to know someone emotionally before sex. | #*Getting to know someone emotionally before sex. | ||
#*Avoiding complications, like STDs or pregnancy. | #*Avoiding complications, like STDs or pregnancy. | ||
| − | #*Taking the relationship slowly.<ref>http://thoughtcatalog.com/candace-thompson/2014/02/21-reasons-we-should-all-wait-longer-to-have-sex/</ref> | + | #*Taking the relationship slowly.<ref name="rf2">http://thoughtcatalog.com/candace-thompson/2014/02/21-reasons-we-should-all-wait-longer-to-have-sex/</ref> |
| − | #Determine your boundaries in advance. What sort of behavior do you classify as sex? Are you okay with kissing and touching? Are you waiting for all forms of sex, such as oral sex? You need to think about your lines now, not in the heat of the moment, so that it is easier to stand your ground when temptation comes.<ref>http://www.healthcentral.com/sexual-health/safesex-256887-5_2.html</ref> | + | #Determine your boundaries in advance. What sort of behavior do you classify as sex? Are you okay with kissing and touching? Are you waiting for all forms of sex, such as oral sex? You need to think about your lines now, not in the heat of the moment, so that it is easier to stand your ground when temptation comes.<ref name="rf3">http://www.healthcentral.com/sexual-health/safesex-256887-5_2.html</ref> |
| − | #*If you were to have a physical relationship, what kind of things would be okay with you? What would you find acceptable, and what would you rather avoid?<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules?page=2</ref> | + | #*If you were to have a physical relationship, what kind of things would be okay with you? What would you find acceptable, and what would you rather avoid?<ref name="rf4">http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules?page=2</ref> |
| − | #Stay away from lurid media depictions of sex and fantasy. Hollywood and pop culture put a lot of emphasis on sex, and it would be almost impossible to escape it all. But that doesn't mean that you need to seek it out. If something makes your uncomfortable, feel free to leave. You'll never change how other people view sex, but you can respect your own boundaries and keep sex at the periphery<ref>http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/hottopics/sexabstinence/10-ways-to-practice-purity.html</ref> | + | #Stay away from lurid media depictions of sex and fantasy. Hollywood and pop culture put a lot of emphasis on sex, and it would be almost impossible to escape it all. But that doesn't mean that you need to seek it out. If something makes your uncomfortable, feel free to leave. You'll never change how other people view sex, but you can respect your own boundaries and keep sex at the periphery<ref name="rf5">http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/hottopics/sexabstinence/10-ways-to-practice-purity.html</ref> |
| − | #*Most of the depictions are fake, fictional accounts of sex. The promise of "life-changing sex" is not reality, and you should remember this if you feel pressured to become sexually active.<ref | + | #*Most of the depictions are fake, fictional accounts of sex. The promise of "life-changing sex" is not reality, and you should remember this if you feel pressured to become sexually active.<ref name="rf5" /> |
| − | #Let your close friends know your decision to be abstinent. Even if your friends are sexually active, letting them know your decision and reasoning will help them help you. This may include asking them not to discuss sex as much, helping you out at parties or difficult situations, and being a support system if you have questions or feel temptation. Having a good group of friends around you makes every situation easier, and this is no exception.<ref>http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/hottopics/sexabstinence/10-ways-to-practice-purity.html?start=2</ref> | + | #Let your close friends know your decision to be abstinent. Even if your friends are sexually active, letting them know your decision and reasoning will help them help you. This may include asking them not to discuss sex as much, helping you out at parties or difficult situations, and being a support system if you have questions or feel temptation. Having a good group of friends around you makes every situation easier, and this is no exception.<ref name="rf6">http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/hottopics/sexabstinence/10-ways-to-practice-purity.html?start=2</ref> |
#State your boundaries clearly and quickly in romantic situations. This doesn't have to be the first thing you say, and it doesn't need to be a big conversation. But letting someone know that you aren't interested in sex is the best way to get people to stop pressuring you. If someone is flirting a little too heavily or making suggestions you don't agree with, look them in the eyes and let them know that you're not interested in sex. | #State your boundaries clearly and quickly in romantic situations. This doesn't have to be the first thing you say, and it doesn't need to be a big conversation. But letting someone know that you aren't interested in sex is the best way to get people to stop pressuring you. If someone is flirting a little too heavily or making suggestions you don't agree with, look them in the eyes and let them know that you're not interested in sex. | ||
#*"I've really enjoyed talking to you, but I'd like to slow things down a bit and get to know you more." | #*"I've really enjoyed talking to you, but I'd like to slow things down a bit and get to know you more." | ||
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#Remain firm in your beliefs, even if it means leaving events or parties. Never let peer pressure, media influences, or guilt-tripping force you to compromise your convictions. If someone is not respecting your decision to wait for sex, it is time to leave and go somewhere more supportive. A simple and firm, "no thank you," or "it's just not for me" should be enough to get people off your back. If someone still pressures you, you should remove yourself from the situation. | #Remain firm in your beliefs, even if it means leaving events or parties. Never let peer pressure, media influences, or guilt-tripping force you to compromise your convictions. If someone is not respecting your decision to wait for sex, it is time to leave and go somewhere more supportive. A simple and firm, "no thank you," or "it's just not for me" should be enough to get people off your back. If someone still pressures you, you should remove yourself from the situation. | ||
#*Let your friends know your feelings so that they can support you in any intense situations. | #*Let your friends know your feelings so that they can support you in any intense situations. | ||
| − | #*You do not owe anyone an explanation for your decisions. Keep your explanations brief, firm, and to the point if you decide to give one.<ref>http://www.whoababy.org/abstinence.html</ref> | + | #*You do not owe anyone an explanation for your decisions. Keep your explanations brief, firm, and to the point if you decide to give one.<ref name="rf7">http://www.whoababy.org/abstinence.html</ref> |
#Remember that abstinence is the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy and STDs. If you're at risk of breaking your own boundaries, and can't remember why you decided to wait, just remember the practice consequences of your decision. Abstinence is the only way to completely avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. No matter what other reasons you have for waiting, this tangible and immediate benefit of abstinence that can help you overcome temptation. | #Remember that abstinence is the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy and STDs. If you're at risk of breaking your own boundaries, and can't remember why you decided to wait, just remember the practice consequences of your decision. Abstinence is the only way to completely avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. No matter what other reasons you have for waiting, this tangible and immediate benefit of abstinence that can help you overcome temptation. | ||
===Practicing Abstinence With a Partner=== | ===Practicing Abstinence With a Partner=== | ||
| − | #Be upfront about your boundaries. Let your partner know exactly how you feel, and that you've decided not to have sex. Don't try and hide your decision or act ashamed -- you have the right to do as you want with your body. Getting this out in the open early allows your partner to talk about their own boundaries and desires, even if they conflict with yours. Choose a time to talk ''before'' sexual tension starts up so that the talk isn't clouded by lust or desire.<ref>http://healthcenter.ucsc.edu/shop/sexual-health/abstinence.html#talk_partner</ref> | + | #Be upfront about your boundaries. Let your partner know exactly how you feel, and that you've decided not to have sex. Don't try and hide your decision or act ashamed -- you have the right to do as you want with your body. Getting this out in the open early allows your partner to talk about their own boundaries and desires, even if they conflict with yours. Choose a time to talk ''before'' sexual tension starts up so that the talk isn't clouded by lust or desire.<ref name="rf8">http://healthcenter.ucsc.edu/shop/sexual-health/abstinence.html#talk_partner</ref> |
#*If your partner is angry, upset, or tries to convince you to change your mind, they may not have your best interests at heart. You want to be with a partner who accepts you and your decisions. | #*If your partner is angry, upset, or tries to convince you to change your mind, they may not have your best interests at heart. You want to be with a partner who accepts you and your decisions. | ||
#*"I've decided to wait until marriage for sex, and I wanted to find out together how we can make that work." | #*"I've decided to wait until marriage for sex, and I wanted to find out together how we can make that work." | ||
#*"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I've decided I want to wait on sex for a while as our relationship grows." | #*"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I've decided I want to wait on sex for a while as our relationship grows." | ||
#Focus on becoming better friends, and thus better partners. One of the biggest benefits of waiting is that you get to know each other without pressure to perform sexually. You must build your relationship on trust and communication, not physical lust, in order for it to succeed. So take the time to talk together daily. Find hobbies you both share and go do them, and take the time to eat dinner together whenever possible. This will help you get a better idea of your partner without being blinded by sex, ultimately helping you decide if sex is right with them in the future. | #Focus on becoming better friends, and thus better partners. One of the biggest benefits of waiting is that you get to know each other without pressure to perform sexually. You must build your relationship on trust and communication, not physical lust, in order for it to succeed. So take the time to talk together daily. Find hobbies you both share and go do them, and take the time to eat dinner together whenever possible. This will help you get a better idea of your partner without being blinded by sex, ultimately helping you decide if sex is right with them in the future. | ||
| − | #Find the physical connections that you feel comfortable with. Hand holding, kissing, romantic touching, and snuggling are all great ways to maintain a physical spark without sex. There are plenty of ways to enjoy each other's company that don't involve going all the way. Find things that feel good and enjoy them without feeling like you need to escalate things.<ref>http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/contraception/abstinence.html</ref> | + | #Find the physical connections that you feel comfortable with. Hand holding, kissing, romantic touching, and snuggling are all great ways to maintain a physical spark without sex. There are plenty of ways to enjoy each other's company that don't involve going all the way. Find things that feel good and enjoy them without feeling like you need to escalate things.<ref name="rf9">http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/contraception/abstinence.html</ref> |
| − | #*Small things, like holding hands and hugging, are much more meaningful when taken slowly.<ref | + | #*Small things, like holding hands and hugging, are much more meaningful when taken slowly.<ref name="rf5" /> |
#Make sure you are both working together to wait. If your partner continually makes passes at you or questions your decision to wait, they may not be respecting your choices. You should never stay with someone who makes your feel sad, angry, or guilty for deciding to wait. This is often a passive-aggressive plays to get you to have sex. You and your partner need to work together to build your relationship without sex. If your partner isn't doing their share you should find someone who is willing to respect your desires.<Ref>http://www.whoababy.org/abstinence.html</ref> | #Make sure you are both working together to wait. If your partner continually makes passes at you or questions your decision to wait, they may not be respecting your choices. You should never stay with someone who makes your feel sad, angry, or guilty for deciding to wait. This is often a passive-aggressive plays to get you to have sex. You and your partner need to work together to build your relationship without sex. If your partner isn't doing their share you should find someone who is willing to respect your desires.<Ref>http://www.whoababy.org/abstinence.html</ref> | ||
#Avoid tempting scenarios and situations. A date at your house, alone, watching a movie in bed is not going to make avoiding temptation any easier. Even if you've decided to wait, there will be sexual tension between you and your significant other, but you can minimize it: | #Avoid tempting scenarios and situations. A date at your house, alone, watching a movie in bed is not going to make avoiding temptation any easier. Even if you've decided to wait, there will be sexual tension between you and your significant other, but you can minimize it: | ||
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#*Move to separate rooms or beds late in the night, and avoid sleepovers. | #*Move to separate rooms or beds late in the night, and avoid sleepovers. | ||
#*Find activities together instead of simply "hanging out." Keep your relationship active. | #*Find activities together instead of simply "hanging out." Keep your relationship active. | ||
| − | #Know that waiting together will make you stronger. New research is finding out that relationships that wait to have sex are often much stronger, and lead to longer and happier couples. There is no magic number of days to wait. However, make sure that you like and love the person before sex to avoid confusing situations or realizations the morning after.<ref>http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/sex-new-man-how-long-5526230</ref> Some benefits of waiting include: | + | #Know that waiting together will make you stronger. New research is finding out that relationships that wait to have sex are often much stronger, and lead to longer and happier couples. There is no magic number of days to wait. However, make sure that you like and love the person before sex to avoid confusing situations or realizations the morning after.<ref name="rf10">http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/sex-new-man-how-long-5526230</ref> Some benefits of waiting include: |
#*Time to know one another. | #*Time to know one another. | ||
#*Great respect and emphasis on small acts (hand-holding, kissing, etc.) | #*Great respect and emphasis on small acts (hand-holding, kissing, etc.) | ||
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===Deciding to Stop Waiting=== | ===Deciding to Stop Waiting=== | ||
#Know that there is no "right" time to become sexually active. Everyone has different reasons for beginning their sex lives, and there is no time that is "too late." You need to do what feels right to you and know that you aren't missing out because you've decided to practice abstinence. | #Know that there is no "right" time to become sexually active. Everyone has different reasons for beginning their sex lives, and there is no time that is "too late." You need to do what feels right to you and know that you aren't missing out because you've decided to practice abstinence. | ||
| − | #*The "three-date rule" about waiting in a relationship is an archaic, overly-simplistic rule. You should feel comfortable with your partner before having sex no matter how many dates it takes.<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules</ref> | + | #*The "three-date rule" about waiting in a relationship is an archaic, overly-simplistic rule. You should feel comfortable with your partner before having sex no matter how many dates it takes.<ref name="rf11">http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules</ref> |
#Avoid making spur-of-the-moment decisions to stop waiting. If you're considering becoming sexually active you need to sit down and think about how your priorities or beliefs have shifted since deciding to wait. You do not want to regret your decision because you made it impulsively. However, if you've thought about having sex for a few weeks and have considered the potential repercussions already, it might be time to pursue a sexual relationship. | #Avoid making spur-of-the-moment decisions to stop waiting. If you're considering becoming sexually active you need to sit down and think about how your priorities or beliefs have shifted since deciding to wait. You do not want to regret your decision because you made it impulsively. However, if you've thought about having sex for a few weeks and have considered the potential repercussions already, it might be time to pursue a sexual relationship. | ||
#*Talk to your partner about your changing viewpoints instead of making them guess. Your decision to become sexually active should be made together. | #*Talk to your partner about your changing viewpoints instead of making them guess. Your decision to become sexually active should be made together. | ||
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#*Have you talked together about whether or not to have sex yet? | #*Have you talked together about whether or not to have sex yet? | ||
#*Do you have access to birth control methods? | #*Do you have access to birth control methods? | ||
| − | #*Do you feel pressured to have sex just to please your partner, or do you really want to have sex.<ref | + | #*Do you feel pressured to have sex just to please your partner, or do you really want to have sex.<ref name="rf7" /> |
==Tips== | ==Tips== | ||
