Interact With Your New In Laws

Hopefully a wedding is a time that bonds families, reinforces friendships and marks a momentous rite of passage. Yet, it would be unusual to proceed without a few uncomfortable social situations along the blissful way. Once you're engaged, you'll be meeting the in-laws and introducing families, moving along formally on the path to uniting kin, and your future family. Even though you’re planning on being your perfect self during this encounter, having the right small talk ammunition can be the key to setting off a great first impression.

Steps

Making a Good Impression

1. Identify your limits. Take some time to identify your personal limits to help you better engage with your in-laws. Think about types of situations tend to stress you out and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
   • For example, do you get stressed when you have been around people for too long? Do you feel uncomfortable in large group settings? Are there certain topics you prefer to avoid?
   • Make a list of your social limitations and boundaries so that you can express these needs to your in-laws.
2. Set clear boundaries. If you know what your boundaries are, then you can set boundaries by expressing your needs to others in an assertive way. Tell your in-laws about your boundaries in an assertive way and reinforce those boundaries as needed.
   • For example, you might say, “I prefer to spend time in small groups. Being in a large group of people overwhelms me.” Or, “I am not a fan of camping.”
   • If your in-laws press you on your boundaries, then you can give a firm reminder by saying something like, “Remember when I mentioned that I don’t like large groups? This is the type of situation I was talking about.” Or, “No, I would prefer not to go camping for our family vacation.”
   • When setting boundaries, be sure to set them together with your spouse. Setting boundaries in this manner will help emphasize clearly what your needs are, which is further enhanced when your spouse is helping to back up these requests.
3. Be polite. Politeness is paramount when interacting with your future in-laws. Let them see what a nice person you are by behaving politely when you are around them. If you don’t demonstrate manners from the beginning, your relationship with your in-laws could be off to a rocky start.
   • Generally, whatever you learned in kindergarten is a good rule to follow: share the speaking floor, say “please” and “thank you,” and be respectful.
4. Give a compliment. Compliments automatically make people feel more comfortable and can often be an excellent launching pad for conversation. Show your respect for your in-laws by letting them know that you appreciate them.
   • Tell your fiancé’s mom how much you like her shoes or her home. Or better yet, compliment her on the amazing child she raised, the person with whom you can’t wait to spend your life.
   • But be careful not to overdo it. You don’t want to look like you are trying to suck up to them.
   • Focus on your in-law’s strengths. Remember that no-one is perfect, even you, and it is always in your best interest not to focus on the negatives. Accept your in-laws for who they are and any differences that may exist. They have accepted you into their family, and you should just as well accept them into yours. Always do your best to look for positive attributes.
5. Control your cocktails. Drinking is a common bonding activity, especially when meeting new people, because it helps take the edge off of your nerves. But overdoing it can have disastrous effects. Don’t let your drinking get out of hand when initially meeting your in-laws (or throughout the entire wedding process). If everyone is having a cocktail, slowly sip one graciously, and leave it at that.
   • Overconsumption of alcohol can lead to bad behavior, inappropriate remarks, and embarrassing conduct that you can’t take back. You want to be married forever, not leave a bad impression forever.

Cultivating Enjoyable Conversation

1. Ask questions. This is a great opportunity to ask questions about your in-law's family history, traditions, or specific values. Not only will you seem considerate for caring, but you’ll gain some interesting insight into the person you’re marrying and be able to incorporate your fiancé’s family legacy into the wedding.
   • Ask about how your in-laws met and where they grew up. Ask about what your fiancé was like as a child.
   • Try saying something like, “I’d really enjoy hearing about how the two of you met. Would you mind telling me the story?”
   • Or you could ask, “What kinds of things did Julie enjoy doing as a child?”
2. Stay on neutral topics. In your first meeting with your new family, don’t ramble on about your deep connection to some ancient and eccentric spiritual belief. By avoiding hot topics like religion and politics, the conversation will keep the mood light. That’s not to say you should hide who you are, but reserve those more comprehensive conversation topics for a more appropriate time later on down the road.
   • If possible, avoid talking about religious beliefs, political stances, or any other possibly controversial subject.
   • Try bringing up a safe topic of conversation by saying something like, “I really enjoyed this movie I saw last weekend. Have you guys seen it yet?”
   • Or you could try talking about shared interests by saying something like, “We went camping at in the mountains last week. Do you have any favorite places to go camping nearby?”
3. Give clear indications on possible conversation topics. Fill your family in on some interesting facts about your future family. Things such as occupation, favorite hobbies, and general likes and dislikes are a good place to start. If you provide your family with some specific insights, they will be more equipped with conversation clues.
   • Try talking about favorite sports teams or television shows.
   • Make sure to introduce everyone as well so there are no awkward moments.

Building the Relationship

1. Spend quality time with each other. Part of building a lasting relationship with any person hinges on actually spending time with one another and engaging in a meaningful way. In order to create a positive relationship with your new in-laws, you should try to spend some quality time with them.
   • Invite your in laws over for dinner or go away for a weekend vacation with them. Try any activities that force you together with your in-laws in situations where you can talk and get to know each other better.
   • Identify social and/or recreational activities that both you, your spouse, and in-laws will enjoy. Partaking in an activity that one person may not enjoy may lead to a stressful gathering. Try to be creative and coordinate activities that will encourage you all to get to know one another, especially if this is a new relationship.
2. Cultivate individual relationships. When you engage with your new in-laws, it’s important to try to establish your own relationship with each of them. Don’t just rely on your partner’s closeness with them to be sufficient for the both of you.
   • Take some time to get to know your in-laws on a personal, individual level. Invite your father-in-law out for a drink or a friendly game of golf. Offer to help your mother-in-law with some yard work or take her out for coffee.
   • Ask your in-laws how they would prefer to be addressed by you. Depending on their cultural family norms, some may prefer that you address them as “mom” and “dad,” while others may be more formal. Identifying what they prefer, will help everyone feel more comfortable with one another. Realize that even if your in-laws prefer a more formal approach, this may change over time.
3. Introduce your families to one another. Now that you’ve aced meeting your in-laws, it’s time for both families to get acquainted. If that means introducing your liberal, outspoken New York parents to your fiancé’s conservative, reserved Nebraska parents, so be it. Ensuring that the meeting is effortless means following all of the above rules, which continue to apply throughout your entire wedding process.
   • Try to pick a comfortable setting for the meeting like dinner at casual restaurant or lunch at your place. Make sure the location is quiet enough for everyone to be able to converse easily.
4. Find common ground. Try to find things that you share in common with your new in-laws – like favorite activities or travel destinations. And help your families discover commonalities, too. It’s part of your job to facilitate conversations and to make sure that everyone is communicating.
   • If you know both your dad and your fiancé’s dad love to fish, say something like: “Hey, Dad, Mr. Johnson just got back from a deep-sea fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico.”
   • Or tell your sister who is interested in attending Yale that your fiancé’s brother just graduated from there and go ahead and introduce them.
5. Follow up. After the initial meeting, send a thank you email to everyone and attach a picture or two. By doing this, you will open up new lines of communication, giving everyone a chance to say anything they may not have had a chance to say. This will help to keep the conversation flowing and ensure the next meeting goes just as smoothly. By tying up loose ends, you’ll feel more comfortable tying the knot.
   • You want your in-laws to be happy to see you again and that you’re joining their family.

Tips

• If you are marrying into a different culture from your own, it's a great idea to do some research in advance so that you know what to expect and how to be polite. Ask your partner for advice. Discuss issues such as greetings, food and eating, gestures, and special occasions or days of the week, so that you're well aware of rituals, taboos, and manners.
• Consider taking along a gift, even some flowers from your own garden.

Things You'll Need

• Planned conversation openers

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• Cope With an Overbearing In‐Law
• Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law
• Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother In Laws
• Be Comfortable Around in Laws

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother In Laws
• Get Along with Your In Laws
• Get Your Mother in Law to Move out of Your House
• Deal With Abusive Mother in Law
• Deal With Family Members That Dislike Your Spouse
• Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law
• Deal With a Difficult Daughter in Law
• Deal With Your Brother In Law's Jealous Wife
• Cope With an Overbearing In‐Law
• Survive a Vacation With Your In Laws

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