Deal With a Premenstrual Girlfriend
A woman's mood can be influenced by hormonal fluctuations in her monthly cycle, especially before menstruation. This can be frustrating for everyone involved, but with the right approach, you can make it work for both of you. Here are some ways to be more supportive and understanding toward your girlfriend when she's experiencing symptoms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS).
Contents
Steps
Avoid Potential Conflict
- Mark the time when you believe she will be pre-menstrual. You can do this on a calendar every month, but keep it in a place where she will not see it. Knowing that she's pre-menstrual may help you to be more patient with her. There are several apps available on the iPhone and Android phones to help you track her cycle. Keep in mind, however, that many women have irregular cycles.
- Wait for a time when she is calm, happy and in a good place, and mention that you came across an article on ways to be supportive to a girlfriend around menstrual cycles, and say that you are surprised at how painful and difficult it must be. She will be touched that you cared enough to look into it, and will feel validated that you understand that this is biological-not something she can control.
- Don't ever openly attribute her emotional malaise to her period. Even if you know she's (almost) on her period or see the same symptoms every month, keep that observation to yourself. Many women - especially when in a bad mood - will take offense to your assumption that the reason she's upset is because it's "that time of the month". Since she's sensitive, she might feel like you're discrediting or dismissing her opinion by attributing it to her period.
- Don't drop any surprises. If you already know she might be a bit moody, don't bring up any news or surprises that could potentially be volatile to her. Wait for a time when she can give it her full attention in a better frame of mind.
- Deflect volatile questions. "Does this make me look fat," or a similar question, is something that answering can be tricky at the best of times in a relationship. It's a recipe for disaster when she's premenstrual. Try to avoid engaging in these types of discussions when you know this is the case.
Ease The Burden
- Reduce social activities. Feeling bloated and sore usually doesn't translate to wanting to be social. Check with her before confirming nights out that involve her (or bringing your buddies back home). Be particularly aware of events that require her to dress up or involve physical activity.
- Take on some of her chores. If her chore list is within reason and physically possible, offer to help out. Premenstrual women may need to feel looked after or simply aren't capable of doing something themselves at that time. Plus, if you aren't doing anything, it's a recipe for disaster when she might be on high alert for opportunities to yell.
- Accommodate her diet changes. Your Atkins-diet devoted girlfriend may be scarfing down an entire pizza when she's premenstrual. Do not make comments regarding her changes in diet. If she complains that her clothes are feeling tight, offer to go on a walk with her instead.
Be A Supportive Boyfriend
- Be patient. Dealing with anybody on a short fuse can be trying. If she snaps at you, or does something to get under your skin, don't lose your temper and fight back. It will just make things worse. See also How to Defuse an Argument.
- Don't take it personally. During this time, her emotions might get the best of her and your best defense against this is to remain level-headed and calmly say, "Ok, I understand."
- Exercise compassion. Think about a time when physical changes made you cranky. Was there ever an instance when you weren't getting enough sleep, and you became rather abrasive as a result? Or maybe you were in the hospital, and the chronic pain made you severely irritable. Put yourself in her shoes. Not only might she be experiencing bothersome physical symptoms, but her hormones are also ebbing and flowing, making it very difficult for her to know how she feels or what she wants. Think of the effect testosterone has had on you in the past, like when you get sexually aroused, or on any occasion when you felt aggression or rage (especially in your teenage years). For that time, you feel caught up in a wave, as if you don't have control. That's probably how she feels.
Tips
- Don't make period jokes.
- Sometimes just a simple "I love you" at the right time can cure a bad emotion when PMS emotion wave strikes. Just be careful not to say it at the wrong time. Simple hugs and kisses work well too. Don't push your luck too much.
- If you know her cycle and one day she's just really emotional when it isn't that time of the month, there could be other reasons. On some occasions, women may experience cramps at other times of the month (such as ovulation cramps, or implantation cramps if she gets pregnant). It may also be that she is going through another kind of physical pain, but more likely it is something else altogether.
- If your wife/girlfriend is especially sensitive to PMS, it pays to keep track of her periods so you know when to follow these steps before a conflict ensues.
- Prepare for extreme reactions in both directions. If you're nice to her, she might question your intentions, not take notice or even cry tears of joy.
- Many women find some relief from symptoms in over the counter NSAIDs and products intended for relief from premenstrual symptoms. It can be a big win for a partner to be familiar with these products, have them on hand or be willing to go get them.
- Dark chocolate and espresso (or coffee) are supposedly effective temporary relief for some premenstrual symptoms. If not medically supported, keep in mind it really feels good when a partner provides sympathy and support. (Don't offer caffeinated coffee if she is having PMS cramps, caffeine worsens the cramps and she would be more irritable with those worsened cramps)
- While some girls don't want to to be physically intimate during their period, others may crave it, especially if it makes them feel emotionally and physically better. If you're uncomfortable with having sex during her period, read How to Have Sex During Your Period for some helpful options. An alternative to sex, however, would be to give her a back massage or foot rub.
Warnings
- Don't act like your girlfriend's emotions aren't real. They are completely real emotions. They are just intensified by her hormones.
- Don't try to blame your relationship issues on your girlfriend's period. This is just immature. If she really suffers from PMS, that's just a few days out of a whole month. Dig deeper to find the real core of your problems.
- Don't be an enabler. People have emotional states, but they retain the ability to make decisions. Do not confuse bi-polar or borderline personality disorder issues with PMS. If your girlfriend consistently treats you poorly, it is your responsibility to walk away and find someone who will treat you decently.
