Difference between revisions of "Turn a Friend Into a Lover"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
===Discussing Your Feelings=== | ===Discussing Your Feelings=== | ||
| − | #Understand the risks. Before you sit down to have a conversation with your friend about your relationship and where it’s going, understand the risks involved in asking to change your friendship into a romantic relationship. Your friend could feel the same, but they might not. You need to prepare for your friend not to feel the way you do.<ref>http://www.lifeway.com/Article/Deciding-to-take-a-friendship-to-the-next-level</ref> | + | #Understand the risks. Before you sit down to have a conversation with your friend about your relationship and where it’s going, understand the risks involved in asking to change your friendship into a romantic relationship. Your friend could feel the same, but they might not. You need to prepare for your friend not to feel the way you do.<ref name="rf1">http://www.lifeway.com/Article/Deciding-to-take-a-friendship-to-the-next-level</ref> |
#*When assessing the risks you should also decide how you will react to your friend’s potential response. If they do not return your feelings, are you willing to stay friends? Would you rather end the friendship? Make sure you’re prepared for whatever reaction you get. | #*When assessing the risks you should also decide how you will react to your friend’s potential response. If they do not return your feelings, are you willing to stay friends? Would you rather end the friendship? Make sure you’re prepared for whatever reaction you get. | ||
#Ask for a conversation. Once you feel fully prepared for whatever response you might get, ask your friend if you can have a serious conversation. | #Ask for a conversation. Once you feel fully prepared for whatever response you might get, ask your friend if you can have a serious conversation. | ||
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#Be honest. When talking to your friend about your feelings, be honest and up front about how you feel and what you want for your relationship. | #Be honest. When talking to your friend about your feelings, be honest and up front about how you feel and what you want for your relationship. | ||
#*You can say something like “I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I’ve been feeling like maybe there’s something more between us. I am starting to care about you as more than a friend and I was wondering if you’ve felt that way, too.” | #*You can say something like “I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I’ve been feeling like maybe there’s something more between us. I am starting to care about you as more than a friend and I was wondering if you’ve felt that way, too.” | ||
| − | #*Emphasize that you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship but that your feelings are such that you felt the need to talk to them.<ref | + | #*Emphasize that you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship but that your feelings are such that you felt the need to talk to them.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#Accept their response. When you’re admitting feelings to someone else – especially someone that you’ve only had a platonic relationship with – it’s easy to feel very vulnerable and as if you deserve a certain response. Keep in mind that your friend might not respond the way you want them to, and that you have to respect them enough to accept their response, whatever it is. | #Accept their response. When you’re admitting feelings to someone else – especially someone that you’ve only had a platonic relationship with – it’s easy to feel very vulnerable and as if you deserve a certain response. Keep in mind that your friend might not respond the way you want them to, and that you have to respect them enough to accept their response, whatever it is. | ||
#*If their response is that they don't return your feelings you can say something like "I hear what you're saying and I respect your response. Let's talk about where we want our relationship to go from here." This way your friend knows that you're not going to continue to pursue them romantically but that you want to maintain your friendship. | #*If their response is that they don't return your feelings you can say something like "I hear what you're saying and I respect your response. Let's talk about where we want our relationship to go from here." This way your friend knows that you're not going to continue to pursue them romantically but that you want to maintain your friendship. | ||
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===Changing Your Behavior=== | ===Changing Your Behavior=== | ||
| − | #Take the lead. If you have feelings for a friend, you can start changing the relationship by taking the lead in changing your behavior. So don’t just wait around, expecting them to make the first move. Initiate a conversation or ask your friend on a date. If you want to transform your friendship into something more, you’ll have to take the lead on changing that relationship.<ref>http://www.aish.com/d/w/7-Ways-to-Go-from-Friendship-to-Relationship.html</ref> | + | #Take the lead. If you have feelings for a friend, you can start changing the relationship by taking the lead in changing your behavior. So don’t just wait around, expecting them to make the first move. Initiate a conversation or ask your friend on a date. If you want to transform your friendship into something more, you’ll have to take the lead on changing that relationship.<ref name="rf2">http://www.aish.com/d/w/7-Ways-to-Go-from-Friendship-to-Relationship.html</ref> |
#Demonstrate your feelings. In a healthy friendship, people demonstrate that they care about one another in a lot of different ways, but if you’re trying to move past friendship, you’ll have to demonstrate the fact that you’re feeling new feelings. | #Demonstrate your feelings. In a healthy friendship, people demonstrate that they care about one another in a lot of different ways, but if you’re trying to move past friendship, you’ll have to demonstrate the fact that you’re feeling new feelings. | ||
#*You can demonstrate your feelings by writing a note or a card, or buying your friend an unexpected gift with a note that says “this reminded me of you.” | #*You can demonstrate your feelings by writing a note or a card, or buying your friend an unexpected gift with a note that says “this reminded me of you.” | ||
| − | #*You can also just ask your friend what you can do to make them feel loved or appreciated. This indicates that you’re looking for ways to take the relationship to the next level without having to have a direct conversation.<ref | + | #*You can also just ask your friend what you can do to make them feel loved or appreciated. This indicates that you’re looking for ways to take the relationship to the next level without having to have a direct conversation.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Flirt. One of the easiest ways to change your behavior and demonstrate to your friend that you’d like something more is to flirt. Compliment their clothes, or their hair, or the way they do something – sing, speak, play an instrument. Tell them they look handsome or pretty. They should get the message pretty quickly that you’re interested in being more than friends.<ref>http://www.glamour.com/story/8-ways-to-transform-a-friendsh</ref> | + | #Flirt. One of the easiest ways to change your behavior and demonstrate to your friend that you’d like something more is to flirt. Compliment their clothes, or their hair, or the way they do something – sing, speak, play an instrument. Tell them they look handsome or pretty. They should get the message pretty quickly that you’re interested in being more than friends.<ref name="rf3">http://www.glamour.com/story/8-ways-to-transform-a-friendsh</ref> |
#*You can say something like "I really love the way that shirt looks on you - it brings out the color of your beautiful eyes." | #*You can say something like "I really love the way that shirt looks on you - it brings out the color of your beautiful eyes." | ||
#*You can also say something like "I could listen to you play guitar all day long. It melts my heart." | #*You can also say something like "I could listen to you play guitar all day long. It melts my heart." | ||
| − | #Do something new together. If you want to change your behavior and change your relationship, you can’t rely on the same things you’ve always done together. Suggest a new restaurant – maybe something with candlelight! – or pick a new spot for drinks.<ref | + | #Do something new together. If you want to change your behavior and change your relationship, you can’t rely on the same things you’ve always done together. Suggest a new restaurant – maybe something with candlelight! – or pick a new spot for drinks.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#*You can invite them to drinks by saying "There's a new bar downtown - it seems like a sort of romantic place. I know it's not what we usually do, but I thought we could change things up a bit." | #*You can invite them to drinks by saying "There's a new bar downtown - it seems like a sort of romantic place. I know it's not what we usually do, but I thought we could change things up a bit." | ||
#*You can also invite them to do something you don't normally do, like going for a walk, by saying "I was wondering you wanted to go for a walk with me. It'll give us a chance to just talk and be alone." | #*You can also invite them to do something you don't normally do, like going for a walk, by saying "I was wondering you wanted to go for a walk with me. It'll give us a chance to just talk and be alone." | ||
===Being Intimate=== | ===Being Intimate=== | ||
#Initiate physical contact cautiously. Most friends touch in some way, but if you’re interested in more, you can start by slowly increasing – or changing – the type of physical contact you have. You’re probably the best judge of what type of contact your friend will be comfortable with, and you’ll also know what level of physical contact already exists between you. | #Initiate physical contact cautiously. Most friends touch in some way, but if you’re interested in more, you can start by slowly increasing – or changing – the type of physical contact you have. You’re probably the best judge of what type of contact your friend will be comfortable with, and you’ll also know what level of physical contact already exists between you. | ||
| − | #*Try placing your head on their shoulder while you sit next to them. If they don’t move away, or if they put an arm around you, this is probably a pretty good sign that they’re interested in more than friendship, too.<ref>http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-03-13/features/sc-fam-0313-avoid-friend-zone-20120313_1_friend-zone-friendship-attraction</ref> | + | #*Try placing your head on their shoulder while you sit next to them. If they don’t move away, or if they put an arm around you, this is probably a pretty good sign that they’re interested in more than friendship, too.<ref name="rf4">http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-03-13/features/sc-fam-0313-avoid-friend-zone-20120313_1_friend-zone-friendship-attraction</ref> |
#*If your friend tenses up or otherwise signals that they are not comfortable with increased contact, draw back immediately. Aside from possibly ruining your friendship, unwanted physical contact is inappropriate. | #*If your friend tenses up or otherwise signals that they are not comfortable with increased contact, draw back immediately. Aside from possibly ruining your friendship, unwanted physical contact is inappropriate. | ||
#Take physical intimacy slow. If things seem to be progressing well, there will probably come a point when you want to turn your friendship into a more physically intimate relationship. You should take transitioning from a friendship to a physically intimate relationship slowly. | #Take physical intimacy slow. If things seem to be progressing well, there will probably come a point when you want to turn your friendship into a more physically intimate relationship. You should take transitioning from a friendship to a physically intimate relationship slowly. | ||
#*Talk often about the level of intimacy you are both comfortable with and do so before you transition to a different level of intimacy. For example, you can say something like "I've been feeling like I'd like to kiss you - is that okay?" Respect their response. | #*Talk often about the level of intimacy you are both comfortable with and do so before you transition to a different level of intimacy. For example, you can say something like "I've been feeling like I'd like to kiss you - is that okay?" Respect their response. | ||
#*It's also perfectly acceptable for you to be the one to slow things down, even if you initiated the change in relationship. | #*It's also perfectly acceptable for you to be the one to slow things down, even if you initiated the change in relationship. | ||
| − | #Don’t overdo it. You should demonstrate your feelings, but you also don’t want to smother your friend with your attempts to take your relationship to the next level. Strike a balance between being available and keeping your distance.<ref | + | #Don’t overdo it. You should demonstrate your feelings, but you also don’t want to smother your friend with your attempts to take your relationship to the next level. Strike a balance between being available and keeping your distance.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#*Being available and willing to do anything and everything your friend asks might make your friend like you, but it won’t necessarily increase their desire for you. Surprising your friend occasionally with thoughtful gestures but also occasionally limiting the amount of time you spend with them sets up the perfect balance of satisfaction and tension. | #*Being available and willing to do anything and everything your friend asks might make your friend like you, but it won’t necessarily increase their desire for you. Surprising your friend occasionally with thoughtful gestures but also occasionally limiting the amount of time you spend with them sets up the perfect balance of satisfaction and tension. | ||
| − | #*In other words, it’s okay to play a little hard to get.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201405/the-secret-turning-friendship-romance</ref> | + | #*In other words, it’s okay to play a little hard to get.<ref name="rf5">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201405/the-secret-turning-friendship-romance</ref> |
| − | #Be patient. A healthy romantic relationship takes time to develop, even if it doesn’t start platonically. When you’re trying to turn friendship into romance, it can really take time for that transformation to be complete. Be patient.<ref | + | #Be patient. A healthy romantic relationship takes time to develop, even if it doesn’t start platonically. When you’re trying to turn friendship into romance, it can really take time for that transformation to be complete. Be patient.<ref name="rf2" /> |
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== Warnings == | == Warnings == | ||
