Difference between revisions of "Tell a Guy You Know He's Lying to You"
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=== Confronting a Liar to Save the Relationship === | === Confronting a Liar to Save the Relationship === | ||
#Arrange a meeting in person. Meeting your partner in person will allow you to analyze important information such as body language and eye contact. This can help you determine whether or not your partner is still lying to you. | #Arrange a meeting in person. Meeting your partner in person will allow you to analyze important information such as body language and eye contact. This can help you determine whether or not your partner is still lying to you. | ||
| − | #* Even though lie detection is a hotly debated topic, signs of lying include pursed lips, fidgeting, a lack of cooperation, uncharacteristic terseness or silence, and the avoidance of first-person words such as "I" or "my." <ref>http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting.aspx</ref> | + | #* Even though lie detection is a hotly debated topic, signs of lying include pursed lips, fidgeting, a lack of cooperation, uncharacteristic terseness or silence, and the avoidance of first-person words such as "I" or "my." <ref name="rf1">http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting.aspx</ref> |
| − | #* Consider meeting in a neutral location, such as a cafe or restaurant. This will help keep the confrontation from escalating and will also allow the two of you to discuss his lies as equals. If you want to preserve the relationship, try to think of your meeting as a discussion instead of a fight.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/lib/confrontations-vs-conversations/</ref> | + | #* Consider meeting in a neutral location, such as a cafe or restaurant. This will help keep the confrontation from escalating and will also allow the two of you to discuss his lies as equals. If you want to preserve the relationship, try to think of your meeting as a discussion instead of a fight.<ref name="rf2">http://psychcentral.com/lib/confrontations-vs-conversations/</ref> |
#Organize the evidence. Whether the evidence that your man has lied is a stray text, an errant email, a letter, hearsay from a friend, or simply your instincts, be sure that you review the evidence carefully before your meeting. You want to be able to discuss the evidence with your partner calmly and rationally. Consider making back-up copies of your evidence, just in case. | #Organize the evidence. Whether the evidence that your man has lied is a stray text, an errant email, a letter, hearsay from a friend, or simply your instincts, be sure that you review the evidence carefully before your meeting. You want to be able to discuss the evidence with your partner calmly and rationally. Consider making back-up copies of your evidence, just in case. | ||
| − | #Calm yourself down. Go into your confrontation from a position of strength and tranquility. Meditate, breathe deeply, take a peaceful walk, or undertake relaxing visualization exercises.<ref>http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368?pg=2</ref> Do whatever it takes to ensure that your mind and body are prepared to keep a stressful situation from becoming too overwhelming. | + | #Calm yourself down. Go into your confrontation from a position of strength and tranquility. Meditate, breathe deeply, take a peaceful walk, or undertake relaxing visualization exercises.<ref name="rf3">http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368?pg=2</ref> Do whatever it takes to ensure that your mind and body are prepared to keep a stressful situation from becoming too overwhelming. |
| − | #Tell him that you know about the lies. In order for a conflict to be resolved, you must first define the specific terms of the conflict: in this case, that you are concerned about his lying behaviors.<ref>http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/confront.htm</ref> It is best if the accusation is made swiftly and directly to give you both time to resolve the issue. There is no need to beat around the bush. Simply tell him that you know he hasn't been truthful, and that this worries you. Keep your voice level and calm, and maintain eye contact. Rather than calling him a "liar," consider using specific examples of lying behaviors that you find unacceptable. For example, try using phrases such as: | + | #Tell him that you know about the lies. In order for a conflict to be resolved, you must first define the specific terms of the conflict: in this case, that you are concerned about his lying behaviors.<ref name="rf4">http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/confront.htm</ref> It is best if the accusation is made swiftly and directly to give you both time to resolve the issue. There is no need to beat around the bush. Simply tell him that you know he hasn't been truthful, and that this worries you. Keep your voice level and calm, and maintain eye contact. Rather than calling him a "liar," consider using specific examples of lying behaviors that you find unacceptable. For example, try using phrases such as: |
#* "I have noticed recently that you tell me you are working late, even though you are not answering your work phone. This makes me think that I am being lied to." | #* "I have noticed recently that you tell me you are working late, even though you are not answering your work phone. This makes me think that I am being lied to." | ||
#* "When you told me that you liked my new haircut, I had the feeling that you weren't being entirely honest." | #* "When you told me that you liked my new haircut, I had the feeling that you weren't being entirely honest." | ||
#* "Lately I have been worried about whether you are being honest with me. For example, I have seen you check your texts when you think I am not looking. Is there something you would like to tell me?" | #* "Lately I have been worried about whether you are being honest with me. For example, I have seen you check your texts when you think I am not looking. Is there something you would like to tell me?" | ||
| − | #Use "I" statements to express your feelings about the lying. Even though it might be tempting to blame, insult, or yell at the liar, inflammatory accusations might make it more difficult for you to repair the relationship. Instead, try speaking honestly about how his lies have made you feel.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2013/11/04/5-critical-steps-to-fearless-confrontation/</ref> Some scripts you might use include: | + | #Use "I" statements to express your feelings about the lying. Even though it might be tempting to blame, insult, or yell at the liar, inflammatory accusations might make it more difficult for you to repair the relationship. Instead, try speaking honestly about how his lies have made you feel.<ref name="rf5">http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2013/11/04/5-critical-steps-to-fearless-confrontation/</ref> Some scripts you might use include: |
#* "I find it difficult to trust someone who has lied to me." | #* "I find it difficult to trust someone who has lied to me." | ||
#* "I value truthfulness in a relationship, and I find lies to be damaging." | #* "I value truthfulness in a relationship, and I find lies to be damaging." | ||
#* "Even if a lie is meant to protect my feelings, I find that my feelings are hurt more by lies than by the truth, whatever the truth may be." | #* "Even if a lie is meant to protect my feelings, I find that my feelings are hurt more by lies than by the truth, whatever the truth may be." | ||
| − | #Keep the conversation on-topic. Common responses to being accused of lying include changing the subject of conversation, blaming the accuser, stalling, or inappropriately complimenting the accuser.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2012/08/13/how-to-tell-when-someone-is-lying/</ref> Stick to your message: that you know he lied, that you feel hurt, and that you need the lying to stop in order to remain in the relationship. You have a right to express your feelings, and your partner should hear them. Don't let yourself get distracted or defensive. | + | #Keep the conversation on-topic. Common responses to being accused of lying include changing the subject of conversation, blaming the accuser, stalling, or inappropriately complimenting the accuser.<ref name="rf6">http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2012/08/13/how-to-tell-when-someone-is-lying/</ref> Stick to your message: that you know he lied, that you feel hurt, and that you need the lying to stop in order to remain in the relationship. You have a right to express your feelings, and your partner should hear them. Don't let yourself get distracted or defensive. |
| − | #Give him a chance to explain himself. Remember that sometimes people have a good reason to lie. Or perhaps he didn't lie at all and there is a reasonable alternative explanation for the evidence you gathered. It is also possible that he feels sorry for the lies he told and that he genuinely wants to change his behavior going forward. For example, people often lie when they are under time pressure or stress, but they might tell the truth after they have been given some time and space to think.<ref>http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/when-do-we-lie-when-were-short-on-time-and-long-on-reasons.html</ref> Even if he is a liar, he deserves to have his say. And if you want to repair the relationship, it is important that he be allowed to speak his piece.<ref | + | #Give him a chance to explain himself. Remember that sometimes people have a good reason to lie. Or perhaps he didn't lie at all and there is a reasonable alternative explanation for the evidence you gathered. It is also possible that he feels sorry for the lies he told and that he genuinely wants to change his behavior going forward. For example, people often lie when they are under time pressure or stress, but they might tell the truth after they have been given some time and space to think.<ref name="rf7">http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/when-do-we-lie-when-were-short-on-time-and-long-on-reasons.html</ref> Even if he is a liar, he deserves to have his say. And if you want to repair the relationship, it is important that he be allowed to speak his piece.<ref name="rf4" /> |
| − | #* Remember that people can be easily hoodwinked, especially by a lover. This is known as "truth bias," which can make us believe irrational things about those we care about.<ref>http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/detecting-deception/catching-lovers-lying.html</ref> Your partner might have had a good reason to lie, but don't let yourself get caught up in unbelievable excuses or outlandish stories. If he says that a stranger who looks just like him happened to steal his phone and use it to send nude photos to your best friend, do not be fooled: he is probably still lying to you. | + | #* Remember that people can be easily hoodwinked, especially by a lover. This is known as "truth bias," which can make us believe irrational things about those we care about.<ref name="rf8">http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/detecting-deception/catching-lovers-lying.html</ref> Your partner might have had a good reason to lie, but don't let yourself get caught up in unbelievable excuses or outlandish stories. If he says that a stranger who looks just like him happened to steal his phone and use it to send nude photos to your best friend, do not be fooled: he is probably still lying to you. |
#Decide where to go from here. Follow your instincts and observe his behavior carefully. Ask yourself if you truly believe that the lying will stop. Depending on how the conversation goes and what your instincts are telling you, you might do one of several things: | #Decide where to go from here. Follow your instincts and observe his behavior carefully. Ask yourself if you truly believe that the lying will stop. Depending on how the conversation goes and what your instincts are telling you, you might do one of several things: | ||
#* Forgive him and move on. If the lie seems to be fairly minor or a one-time mistake, and if your partner is serious about telling you the truth in the future, you might simply leave the past in the past. Be observant moving forward, but remember that everybody makes mistakes sometimes. | #* Forgive him and move on. If the lie seems to be fairly minor or a one-time mistake, and if your partner is serious about telling you the truth in the future, you might simply leave the past in the past. Be observant moving forward, but remember that everybody makes mistakes sometimes. | ||
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=== Confronting a Liar to End the Relationship === | === Confronting a Liar to End the Relationship === | ||
| − | #Decide to end the relationship built on lies. Some lies are forgivable; others you cannot simply get over. You are not obligated to "forgive and forget" everyone's lies and mistakes. Even if you decide to end a relationship with a liar, it can sometimes be beneficial to confront him to let him know your feelings. In this case, you are confronting him not to encourage him to improve his behavior but rather to empower yourself and regain your confidence after a betrayal. You need to be certain, however, that you truly want to end the relationship. Do not use the threat of a break-up as a way to try to control his behavior. <ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201207/3-keys-ending-relationship-dignity</ref> | + | #Decide to end the relationship built on lies. Some lies are forgivable; others you cannot simply get over. You are not obligated to "forgive and forget" everyone's lies and mistakes. Even if you decide to end a relationship with a liar, it can sometimes be beneficial to confront him to let him know your feelings. In this case, you are confronting him not to encourage him to improve his behavior but rather to empower yourself and regain your confidence after a betrayal. You need to be certain, however, that you truly want to end the relationship. Do not use the threat of a break-up as a way to try to control his behavior. <ref name="rf9">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201207/3-keys-ending-relationship-dignity</ref> |
| − | #Determine whether it is safe or worthwhile to confront the liar. Sometimes a lie is just a lie. But sometimes lying behavior is linked to other, even more dangerous behaviors and conditions. Narcissists, abusers, overly jealous people, and obsessives are all more likely to exhibit pathological lying behaviors.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar/</ref> Consider whether your partner has shown other concerning behaviors of late, such as possessiveness, jealousy, anger, or a lack of empathy. If so, you might not want to discuss his lies at all and instead simply exit the situation. | + | #Determine whether it is safe or worthwhile to confront the liar. Sometimes a lie is just a lie. But sometimes lying behavior is linked to other, even more dangerous behaviors and conditions. Narcissists, abusers, overly jealous people, and obsessives are all more likely to exhibit pathological lying behaviors.<ref name="rf10">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar/</ref> Consider whether your partner has shown other concerning behaviors of late, such as possessiveness, jealousy, anger, or a lack of empathy. If so, you might not want to discuss his lies at all and instead simply exit the situation. |
#Arrange a confrontation in person, over the phone, or online. Because you are ending the relationship, you do not need to determine whether or not he is still lying to you. You no longer care what he does: this conversation is all about you and your needs. This frees you from having to read his body language or maintain eye contact during an in-person conversation. All you have to do is say what you need to say, however you feel comfortable saying it. You can confront the liar: | #Arrange a confrontation in person, over the phone, or online. Because you are ending the relationship, you do not need to determine whether or not he is still lying to you. You no longer care what he does: this conversation is all about you and your needs. This frees you from having to read his body language or maintain eye contact during an in-person conversation. All you have to do is say what you need to say, however you feel comfortable saying it. You can confront the liar: | ||
#* In person. It will mostly likely be safest to do so in a public place. Consider telling a close friend or family member where this meeting will take place, so that you have back-up if the conversation escalates. This is a riskier option, but it also gives you the pleasure of seeing his face when you tell him that you know he lied to you. | #* In person. It will mostly likely be safest to do so in a public place. Consider telling a close friend or family member where this meeting will take place, so that you have back-up if the conversation escalates. This is a riskier option, but it also gives you the pleasure of seeing his face when you tell him that you know he lied to you. | ||
#* Over the phone. Consider writing yourself notes or bullet points so that you remember to cover everything you want to say. Remember: this will hopefully be the last time you contact him, so you don't want to leave anything important unsaid. This option also gives you the opportunity simply to hang up the phone if he begins making up silly excuses or yelling. | #* Over the phone. Consider writing yourself notes or bullet points so that you remember to cover everything you want to say. Remember: this will hopefully be the last time you contact him, so you don't want to leave anything important unsaid. This option also gives you the opportunity simply to hang up the phone if he begins making up silly excuses or yelling. | ||
| − | #* Through an email. An email will allow you to express yourself clearly and concisely. This option is especially useful if you do not want to see that liar's stupid face again. Consider having a close friend read the email before you send it to make sure that it is legible. If the liar responds, you have the option of reading his reply or simply sending it to your spam folder. Though there might be a stigma against ending a relationship over email, sometimes it is the safest method, especially if your soon-to-be-ex has exhibited other concerning behaviors.<ref>http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/should-we-break-up/</ref> | + | #* Through an email. An email will allow you to express yourself clearly and concisely. This option is especially useful if you do not want to see that liar's stupid face again. Consider having a close friend read the email before you send it to make sure that it is legible. If the liar responds, you have the option of reading his reply or simply sending it to your spam folder. Though there might be a stigma against ending a relationship over email, sometimes it is the safest method, especially if your soon-to-be-ex has exhibited other concerning behaviors.<ref name="rf11">http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/should-we-break-up/</ref> |
#Express your feelings of hurt and betrayal. Because you are not seeking to repair the relationship, tell him honestly how his lies made you feel. Try not to yell or use profanity, but do emphasize the fact that his behavior was unacceptable and that he is to blame for ruining the relationship. Perhaps your bravery will help him be truthful to his future partners, but his actions are no longer your responsibility. You are not responsible for changing him: you are only responsible for ending the relationship with your pride and honesty intact. | #Express your feelings of hurt and betrayal. Because you are not seeking to repair the relationship, tell him honestly how his lies made you feel. Try not to yell or use profanity, but do emphasize the fact that his behavior was unacceptable and that he is to blame for ruining the relationship. Perhaps your bravery will help him be truthful to his future partners, but his actions are no longer your responsibility. You are not responsible for changing him: you are only responsible for ending the relationship with your pride and honesty intact. | ||
| − | #Keep on message. It is likely that he will try to distract you with apologies or excuses, and he might even blame you for his lies.<ref | + | #Keep on message. It is likely that he will try to distract you with apologies or excuses, and he might even blame you for his lies.<ref name="rf6" /> Do not react in any way to these excuses: keep a stony, silent face, and then resume telling him about your feelings. Soon he will learn that this conversation is about what '''you''' have to say, not about what he is thinking or feeling. |
| − | #Seek support from your loved ones. This is not a time to keep your problems to yourself. This is a time to reach out to your close friends and family members. Not only can they give you a more objective perspective on your partner's lies, but their company and fellowship will help keep you from falling back into a relationship with a liar. If you forget that you ended a relationship with a liar for a very good reason, they will remind you that you did the right thing.<ref>http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/staying-strong-after-break/</ref> Indeed, studies have shown that a breakup can cause you to strengthen and develop your friendships, leading to increased happiness. <ref>http://www.researchgate.net/publication/227716256_Ill_never_be_in_a_relationship_like_that_again_Personal_growth_following_romantic_relationship_breakups</ref> | + | #Seek support from your loved ones. This is not a time to keep your problems to yourself. This is a time to reach out to your close friends and family members. Not only can they give you a more objective perspective on your partner's lies, but their company and fellowship will help keep you from falling back into a relationship with a liar. If you forget that you ended a relationship with a liar for a very good reason, they will remind you that you did the right thing.<ref name="rf12">http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/staying-strong-after-break/</ref> Indeed, studies have shown that a breakup can cause you to strengthen and develop your friendships, leading to increased happiness. <ref name="rf13">http://www.researchgate.net/publication/227716256_Ill_never_be_in_a_relationship_like_that_again_Personal_growth_following_romantic_relationship_breakups</ref> |
| − | #Focus on the positives of breaking up with a liar. Breakups are painful, but they can also lead to positive outcomes, especially if you focus on how you've grown because of the experience. <ref>http://www.apa.org/research/action/romantic-relationships.aspx</ref> Tell yourself that you can thrive more now that you are no longer in the company of a liar. | + | #Focus on the positives of breaking up with a liar. Breakups are painful, but they can also lead to positive outcomes, especially if you focus on how you've grown because of the experience. <ref name="rf14">http://www.apa.org/research/action/romantic-relationships.aspx</ref> Tell yourself that you can thrive more now that you are no longer in the company of a liar. |
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
| − | * Consider the fact that just about everybody--including yourself--has lied at some time or another. <ref>http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2009/05/18/were-all-lying-liars-why-people-tell-lies-and-why-white-lies-can-be-ok</ref>This does not necessarily justify his actions, but it might make them more understandable. | + | * Consider the fact that just about everybody--including yourself--has lied at some time or another. <ref name="rf15">http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2009/05/18/were-all-lying-liars-why-people-tell-lies-and-why-white-lies-can-be-ok</ref>This does not necessarily justify his actions, but it might make them more understandable. |
* Avoid passive aggressive behaviors if you want the lying to stop. Direct action is the most effective way to encourage a positive change in his behavior. | * Avoid passive aggressive behaviors if you want the lying to stop. Direct action is the most effective way to encourage a positive change in his behavior. | ||
* Do not get law enforcement involved unless it is '''absolutely''' necessary, such as if he has lied about harming others, committing a crime, or engaging in other dangerous behaviors. | * Do not get law enforcement involved unless it is '''absolutely''' necessary, such as if he has lied about harming others, committing a crime, or engaging in other dangerous behaviors. | ||
| − | * Keep in mind that the vast majority of lies are "benevolent lies" that are not meant to harm others. However, the most hurtful lies come from those who are closest to us.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199704/the-truth-about-lying</ref> | + | * Keep in mind that the vast majority of lies are "benevolent lies" that are not meant to harm others. However, the most hurtful lies come from those who are closest to us.<ref name="rf16">https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199704/the-truth-about-lying</ref> |
== Warnings == | == Warnings == | ||
