Difference between revisions of "Tell Your Boyfriend You Need Some Space"
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Every relationship has its ups and downs, and there may be times when you feel like you need space. Often times, when we hear, “I need space,” we assume the worst. However, needing space does not necessarily mean that you want to end your relationship. It may simply mean that you would like to focus on other obligations like school, work, or family. Here are some steps to help you communicate that you need space. | Every relationship has its ups and downs, and there may be times when you feel like you need space. Often times, when we hear, “I need space,” we assume the worst. However, needing space does not necessarily mean that you want to end your relationship. It may simply mean that you would like to focus on other obligations like school, work, or family. Here are some steps to help you communicate that you need space. | ||
| − | [[Category:Relationship Issues]] | + | [[Category: Relationship Issues]] |
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
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#*Some common reasons for wanting space in a relationship are needing some alone time to decompress after a busy week, wanting to focus on a project, or taking care of private family matters. | #*Some common reasons for wanting space in a relationship are needing some alone time to decompress after a busy week, wanting to focus on a project, or taking care of private family matters. | ||
#Decide what you would ultimately like to do about your relationship. Your boyfriend will most likely want to know what taking some space apart means for your relationship. If you determine that you want [http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-with-Someone-Using-Style-and-Sensitivity to break up] with your boyfriend, it is best to do so now. | #Decide what you would ultimately like to do about your relationship. Your boyfriend will most likely want to know what taking some space apart means for your relationship. If you determine that you want [http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-with-Someone-Using-Style-and-Sensitivity to break up] with your boyfriend, it is best to do so now. | ||
| − | #*Togetherness and separateness are balanced in healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, you also feel like your own person and have friendships outside of the relationship.<ref>https://www.ipfw.edu/affiliates/assistance/selfhelp/relationship-settingboundaries.html</ref> | + | #*Togetherness and separateness are balanced in healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, you also feel like your own person and have friendships outside of the relationship.<ref name="rf1">https://www.ipfw.edu/affiliates/assistance/selfhelp/relationship-settingboundaries.html</ref> |
| − | #Plan a time and place to meet and talk. A good time would be when you are both relaxed, calm, and able to focus on listening to one another.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems</ref> A public place that is quiet where you can still talk may help you avoid a scene, like a park or coffee shop, would be a good location. | + | #Plan a time and place to meet and talk. A good time would be when you are both relaxed, calm, and able to focus on listening to one another.<ref name="rf2">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems</ref> A public place that is quiet where you can still talk may help you avoid a scene, like a park or coffee shop, would be a good location. |
===Meeting Together=== | ===Meeting Together=== | ||
| − | #Manage the conversation. Make sure you stay on topic and do not get distracted. Use “I” statements to focus on what you need and want. “I” statements show that you’re accepting responsibility for your decision. This will also help your boyfriend to feel less attacked or blamed.<ref | + | #Manage the conversation. Make sure you stay on topic and do not get distracted. Use “I” statements to focus on what you need and want. “I” statements show that you’re accepting responsibility for your decision. This will also help your boyfriend to feel less attacked or blamed.<ref name="rf2" /> Some examples of “I” statements are: |
#*”I am unhappy.” | #*”I am unhappy.” | ||
#*”I am feeling a lot of pressure.” | #*”I am feeling a lot of pressure.” | ||
| Line 22: | Line 22: | ||
#*An indefinite period of time may not be the best option as it is ambiguous and leaves the other person feeling powerless. | #*An indefinite period of time may not be the best option as it is ambiguous and leaves the other person feeling powerless. | ||
===Handling Your Boyfriend’s Reaction=== | ===Handling Your Boyfriend’s Reaction=== | ||
| − | #Make sure to calmly acknowledge his feelings and concerns. You could say something like:<ref | + | #Make sure to calmly acknowledge his feelings and concerns. You could say something like:<ref name="rf2" /> |
#*“I see you look upset.” | #*“I see you look upset.” | ||
#*”I can tell I've hurt your feelings." | #*”I can tell I've hurt your feelings." | ||
#*”Is there anything else I can share with you?” | #*”Is there anything else I can share with you?” | ||
| − | #Diffuse an angry outburst. Try to focus on listening to him, and eventually he should calm down. If emotions continue to overheat, do not storm out. Let your boyfriend know that you would like to briefly pause your discussion and that you will continue your talk when you have both calmed down.<ref | + | #Diffuse an angry outburst. Try to focus on listening to him, and eventually he should calm down. If emotions continue to overheat, do not storm out. Let your boyfriend know that you would like to briefly pause your discussion and that you will continue your talk when you have both calmed down.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#Accept that your boyfriend may not agree with your choice. He may not want space, and may want to end your relationship. If this is the case, allow him to do so to avoid more emotional pain. | #Accept that your boyfriend may not agree with your choice. He may not want space, and may want to end your relationship. If this is the case, allow him to do so to avoid more emotional pain. | ||
===Evaluating Results=== | ===Evaluating Results=== | ||
| − | #Try out your plan, and ask yourself questions to help you fine-tune and adjust as needed:<ref | + | #Try out your plan, and ask yourself questions to help you fine-tune and adjust as needed:<ref name="rf2" /> |
#*”Do I feel like I received the space I needed?” | #*”Do I feel like I received the space I needed?” | ||
#*”Did the space help me?” | #*”Did the space help me?” | ||
#*”Is there anything I would like to change?” | #*”Is there anything I would like to change?” | ||
| − | #Decide on clear and concrete changes together. You may decide to keep communication as is. Perhaps you and your boyfriend will decide that you can increase communication by texting and talking, but continue to see each other infrequently.<ref | + | #Decide on clear and concrete changes together. You may decide to keep communication as is. Perhaps you and your boyfriend will decide that you can increase communication by texting and talking, but continue to see each other infrequently.<ref name="rf2" /> Or you may choose to cease all forms of communication all together. |
| − | #Give each other positive feedback to show that you support and care for each other.<ref | + | #Give each other positive feedback to show that you support and care for each other.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#*”I am grateful for your support.” | #*”I am grateful for your support.” | ||
#*”I appreciate that we are working on this together.” | #*”I appreciate that we are working on this together.” | ||
