Difference between revisions of "Tell Someone They Are Wrong"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
===Deciding to Speak Up=== | ===Deciding to Speak Up=== | ||
| − | #Weigh the pros and cons. Ask yourself what you have to gain by pointing out that he is wrong. If it is not much, consider not saying anything at all and saving your confrontational effort for battles that actually matter. <ref>http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/22/living/politely-correct-people/</ref> | + | #Weigh the pros and cons. Ask yourself what you have to gain by pointing out that he is wrong. If it is not much, consider not saying anything at all and saving your confrontational effort for battles that actually matter. <ref name="rf1">http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/22/living/politely-correct-people/</ref> |
#*For example, if you and your significant other alternate on who does the dishes and he says he did them last but you know he is wrong, it may not be worth an argument over such a small thing. However, if it is a repeated habit of his to not remember such that you are regularly contributing more than he is, then it is more worth bringing up. | #*For example, if you and your significant other alternate on who does the dishes and he says he did them last but you know he is wrong, it may not be worth an argument over such a small thing. However, if it is a repeated habit of his to not remember such that you are regularly contributing more than he is, then it is more worth bringing up. | ||
#*Other situations that likely aren't worth it include his being wrong about something very trivial, such as if he said something happened about four days ago when you know that it happened two days ago exactly. If it will not change the future course of the conversation in a meaningful way it is often best to let things like that go. | #*Other situations that likely aren't worth it include his being wrong about something very trivial, such as if he said something happened about four days ago when you know that it happened two days ago exactly. If it will not change the future course of the conversation in a meaningful way it is often best to let things like that go. | ||
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#*If you bring up issue later once the conversation is private, be sure to frame it in a neutral way to get the conversation off to a good start. | #*If you bring up issue later once the conversation is private, be sure to frame it in a neutral way to get the conversation off to a good start. | ||
#*For example, rather than saying something along the lines of "hey, remember that thing you were wrong about earlier? I need to talk to you about that" or "remember that silly thing you said earlier? What is with that?" try to use more neutral language such as "hey remember that thing we were disagreeing on earlier? Can we chat about that for a minute?" | #*For example, rather than saying something along the lines of "hey, remember that thing you were wrong about earlier? I need to talk to you about that" or "remember that silly thing you said earlier? What is with that?" try to use more neutral language such as "hey remember that thing we were disagreeing on earlier? Can we chat about that for a minute?" | ||
| − | #Keep calm. Even if you have a lot to gain or even if it will feel great to tell him he is wrong, be sure to tell him with a level head. You do not want to put him on the defensive or get him upset, unless that is actually your goal, it will most likely undermine your real goal, which is to get him to see your viewpoint on the matter.<ref>http://www.mediate.com/articles/eddyB6.cfm</ref> | + | #Keep calm. Even if you have a lot to gain or even if it will feel great to tell him he is wrong, be sure to tell him with a level head. You do not want to put him on the defensive or get him upset, unless that is actually your goal, it will most likely undermine your real goal, which is to get him to see your viewpoint on the matter.<ref name="rf2">http://www.mediate.com/articles/eddyB6.cfm</ref> |
#Be prepared. Before you speak up about him being wrong, make sure that you have carefully considered the issue and know in fact that you are right. | #Be prepared. Before you speak up about him being wrong, make sure that you have carefully considered the issue and know in fact that you are right. | ||
#*Think about what he might say in response to you to defend himself, and come up with a list of responses to his counterpoints so that you can be more likely to convince him that he is wrong, should he refuse to believe you. | #*Think about what he might say in response to you to defend himself, and come up with a list of responses to his counterpoints so that you can be more likely to convince him that he is wrong, should he refuse to believe you. | ||
| − | #Stay open-minded. Think about how sure you feel that you are right, and know that there is a good chance that he feels similarly strong about his position. <ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/02/11/how-to-defuse-an-argument/</ref> | + | #Stay open-minded. Think about how sure you feel that you are right, and know that there is a good chance that he feels similarly strong about his position. <ref name="rf3">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/02/11/how-to-defuse-an-argument/</ref> |
| − | #*Remember that although you think that you are right and that he is wrong, there is a chance that you are actually the one who is wrong.<ref>http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong?language=en</ref> | + | #*Remember that although you think that you are right and that he is wrong, there is a chance that you are actually the one who is wrong.<ref name="rf4">http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong?language=en</ref> |
#*As you decide whether to speak up, keep in mind that there is a chance that you are mistaken and prepare yourself to listen carefully to his counter arguments. | #*As you decide whether to speak up, keep in mind that there is a chance that you are mistaken and prepare yourself to listen carefully to his counter arguments. | ||
#Take his perspective. Think about why he thinks he is right. In doing so, you will be more confident that he is in fact wrong, realize that he is right, or get a better sense of the specific issues to pinpoint when explaining to him why his is wrong. | #Take his perspective. Think about why he thinks he is right. In doing so, you will be more confident that he is in fact wrong, realize that he is right, or get a better sense of the specific issues to pinpoint when explaining to him why his is wrong. | ||
| − | #Know who you’re talking to. The reality is there isn’t going to be a one-size-fits-all answer for the best way to tell someone they are wrong because people have different personalities that may make some approaches better than others in some cases.<ref>http://www.kent.ac.uk/careers/sk/persuading.htm</ref> | + | #Know who you’re talking to. The reality is there isn’t going to be a one-size-fits-all answer for the best way to tell someone they are wrong because people have different personalities that may make some approaches better than others in some cases.<ref name="rf5">http://www.kent.ac.uk/careers/sk/persuading.htm</ref> |
#*Sometimes the best approach will be to be friendly but other people’s ego’s may rebut any friendly attempt you make. Sometimes being assertive and not backing down and driving the point home will be what it will take to convince him he is wrong. | #*Sometimes the best approach will be to be friendly but other people’s ego’s may rebut any friendly attempt you make. Sometimes being assertive and not backing down and driving the point home will be what it will take to convince him he is wrong. | ||
#*For example, if he is stubborn, being passive and friendly you likely won't get through to him. In cases like this, you will may need to be more assertive and forceful. If on the other hand he is sensitive to criticism, being assertive and forceful may be particularly off-putting for him. | #*For example, if he is stubborn, being passive and friendly you likely won't get through to him. In cases like this, you will may need to be more assertive and forceful. If on the other hand he is sensitive to criticism, being assertive and forceful may be particularly off-putting for him. | ||
=== Letting Him Know=== | === Letting Him Know=== | ||
| − | #Point to behavior, not character. Do not make his being wrong about his intelligence or other aspect of his character. This will be more likely to put him on the defensive; if you isolate his specific action or thought (whatever he is wrong about) from his character, he will more easily see the err of his ways as his identity and self-esteem is not so wrapped up in the exchange.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevenberglas/2011/03/22/how-to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-and-make-them-feel-good-about-it/</ref> | + | #Point to behavior, not character. Do not make his being wrong about his intelligence or other aspect of his character. This will be more likely to put him on the defensive; if you isolate his specific action or thought (whatever he is wrong about) from his character, he will more easily see the err of his ways as his identity and self-esteem is not so wrapped up in the exchange.<ref name="rf6">http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevenberglas/2011/03/22/how-to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-and-make-them-feel-good-about-it/</ref> |
#*For example, rather than saying something that makes a character judgment like "you've definitely not been paying attention or there is something wrong with your memory because I did the dishes last" say something that focuses more precisely on the specific wrongness, like "I believe you're actually wrong about who did the dishes last time." | #*For example, rather than saying something that makes a character judgment like "you've definitely not been paying attention or there is something wrong with your memory because I did the dishes last" say something that focuses more precisely on the specific wrongness, like "I believe you're actually wrong about who did the dishes last time." | ||
| − | #Show how to be right. People will be more inclined to believe you that they are wrong if you offer an alternative that is right. If you just point out that they are wrong but do not follow up beyond that, without any alternative, they will be more likely to stick to their guns.<ref>https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-tell-someone-like-your-boss-wrong-without-getting-bernard-marr</ref> | + | #Show how to be right. People will be more inclined to believe you that they are wrong if you offer an alternative that is right. If you just point out that they are wrong but do not follow up beyond that, without any alternative, they will be more likely to stick to their guns.<ref name="rf7">https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-tell-someone-like-your-boss-wrong-without-getting-bernard-marr</ref> |
| − | #*Speak with authority but also remain modest in your conversation. Again, the main idea here is that you do not want him to get on the defensive. <ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dreaming-freud/201409/how-convince-someone-you-are-right</ref> | + | #*Speak with authority but also remain modest in your conversation. Again, the main idea here is that you do not want him to get on the defensive. <ref name="rf8">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dreaming-freud/201409/how-convince-someone-you-are-right</ref> |
| − | #Ease him into it. Do not be aggressive, let him know softly by saying something like “I think you may be mistaken here” rather than “you are absolutely dead wrong on that”; the former is more abrasive and will more likely lead to an automatic aggressive response by him, such as refusing to take your position seriously.<ref | + | #Ease him into it. Do not be aggressive, let him know softly by saying something like “I think you may be mistaken here” rather than “you are absolutely dead wrong on that”; the former is more abrasive and will more likely lead to an automatic aggressive response by him, such as refusing to take your position seriously.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Don't get worked up. The angrier or more exasperated you seem, the more power he will have. Stay calm and if he just won't accept the facts, consider walking away. It's often not worth a fight to prove someone wrong. Be comfortable knowing that you are right and that in some cases it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.<ref | + | #Don't get worked up. The angrier or more exasperated you seem, the more power he will have. Stay calm and if he just won't accept the facts, consider walking away. It's often not worth a fight to prove someone wrong. Be comfortable knowing that you are right and that in some cases it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#Try the sandwich technique. Try sandwiching his being wrong between two positive qualities about him, or weaving in other things he was right about. With this technique, he may not feel too negatively about your correcting his being wrong. | #Try the sandwich technique. Try sandwiching his being wrong between two positive qualities about him, or weaving in other things he was right about. With this technique, he may not feel too negatively about your correcting his being wrong. | ||
#*Take an example where your roommate is wrong about his belief that he did the dishes last, and it is a frequent enough occurrence that you decide to bring it up. You might say something along the lines of "When you do the dishes they always come out nice and clean but I think you're wrong that you did them last. I remember doing them yesterday while you were playing that sweet song on the guitar. Do you remember that?" | #*Take an example where your roommate is wrong about his belief that he did the dishes last, and it is a frequent enough occurrence that you decide to bring it up. You might say something along the lines of "When you do the dishes they always come out nice and clean but I think you're wrong that you did them last. I remember doing them yesterday while you were playing that sweet song on the guitar. Do you remember that?" | ||
| − | #*Be sure to drive home the point that the real reason for the conversation is to let him know that he was wrong about something. Do not spend too much of the conversation on what he did well, otherwise he may focus too much on that or not get the take home message you intend to leave him with; this will undermine the use of the sandwich technique.<ref>https://hbr.org/2013/04/the-sandwich-approach-undermin/</ref> | + | #*Be sure to drive home the point that the real reason for the conversation is to let him know that he was wrong about something. Do not spend too much of the conversation on what he did well, otherwise he may focus too much on that or not get the take home message you intend to leave him with; this will undermine the use of the sandwich technique.<ref name="rf9">https://hbr.org/2013/04/the-sandwich-approach-undermin/</ref> |
#*However, avoid being condescending, too. It is a fine line to walk; you will be less likely to be perceived as being condescending if the 'bread' layers of your sandwich are genuine. | #*However, avoid being condescending, too. It is a fine line to walk; you will be less likely to be perceived as being condescending if the 'bread' layers of your sandwich are genuine. | ||
