Fill Awkward Silences

We all know what it's like when a conversation dies, and people start fidgeting in awkward boredom. It doesn't take perfect people skills to revive the conversation again, just a few prepared phrases and a willingness to practice. The key points are to ask questions that require detailed answers, get to know the other person's interest, and have a few fallback topics ready. As you improve at small talk, you'll learn to feel less anxious when a lull does happen, and to turn it into a graceful exit from the conversation.

Steps

Keeping the Conversation Moving

1. Learn some basic icebreakers. You don't need world-class speaking skills to make good small talk. Just remember a few simple questions you can use to fill the silence:
   • Ask a new acquaintance "So, where are you from?", "How do you know (your mutual friend)?", or "What do you do for fun?"
   • Catch up with a friend by asking "How is your job going?", "How's your family?", or "Did you do anything fun last weekend?"
2. Think of topics ahead of time. Before going to a social event, think of a few "go to" topics to jumpstart a dead conversation. This will help you to fill the silences so that you aren’t scrambling for words in the moment.
   • People who share your interest in a sport or hobby can be the easiest people to talk to. Just talk about what you find interesting, whether it's last night's game or a new crochet pattern you found.
   • If you're talking to coworkers, think of a topic you all recognize from work, but that doesn't feel like doing work. Go for something light-hearted like "What do you think of the new lunch place?"
   • Recent news, local events, and popular books and television shows are all good fallback options. Avoid politics in situations where people aren't looking for debates.
3. Avoid flat responses. Responding with a simple "yes" or "no" is sure to create awkward silences. Avoid asking questions that prompt simple yes or no answers. If someone asks you one of these questions, be sure to add to it in order to keep the conversation moving. For example, if someone asks you, “Do you like sports?”, don’t simply say “yes” or “no.” Instead, explain your response and share some personal information. You could say something like, “Yes, I love to ski. I’ve been skiing since I was a young child. Some of my favorite family memories are on the slopes. What sports do you enjoy?”
   • Also avoid conversation stoppers—responses that put a period at the end of the conversation. For example, if you're talking about something amusing and your conversation partner says, "Yeah, that was funny!", don't respond with "Haha, yeah." Instead, keep the conversation moving. You could say something like, “It sure was. But it wasn’t as funny as that one time. Do you remember when we dressed up as aliens?”
4. Take off the pressure. If you put a great deal of pressure on yourself to keep the conversation going, you will divert your focus from the actual conversation. Instead, be present and respond to what the other person is saying. Be open to allowing the conversation to go in whichever path it takes. When in doubt, take a deep breath and relax. Your prepared topics are just to get the conversation flowing. If you've moved on to new subjects, you've already succeeded!
   • Everyone struggles with awkward silences on occasion. Try not to make a big deal out of it. This will only magnify the problem rather than resolving it.
5. Share information gradually. If you blurt out everything at once, the conversation probably won’t last very long. Instead, gradually insert information about yourself into the conversation and allow time for the other person to contribute as well. This will prolong your conversation and keep awkward silences to a minimum.
   • If you notice that you’ve been talking about your job for a while, take a break and ask the other person, “What’s new at your job these days?” This will allow both people to have an equal contribution to the conversation.
6. Be friendly. This will put the other person at ease and will facilitate conversation. Make sure to smile and to respect what the other person is saying. Accept them and they will feel more comfortable opening up and talking with you, which will keep the conversation moving. Make sure to let the other person contribute. A good conversation is everyone’s responsibility, not only yours.
   • Validate what the other person says by repeating part of it. If they told you about their daughter’s sickness, for example, you could say, “I’m so sorry that she is feeling that way. The flu is the worst! I remember when my son had it.” This shows that you were listening and that you care, plus it keeps the conversation moving.
7. Take a graceful exit. Conversations don't last forever, and there's no need to be ashamed of ending one. If you often get stuck in pointless conversations or feel awkward saying goodbye, think of a few ways to move on and practice using them:
   • Bumping into an acquaintance in public: "Hi Jenny! You look great. I'm in a rush but I'll see you later, yeah?"
   • Short conversation via phone or text: "Okay, I'm glad we worked out (the purpose of the conversation). Talk to you again soon!"
   • Long conversation at a social event: "Wow, I've really enjoyed (getting to know you / reconnecting). I'm going to go mingle for a bit."

Projecting Yourself

1. Talk about your passions. If you're enthusiastic and proud about what you do, other people will respond to that passion. Talk about the personal achievements or goals that make you unique and give insight to your personality. For example, if you are with a group of outdoor enthusiasts, you might say something like, "I was rock climbing this last weekend and on-sighted a 5.9 with no beta!" They’ll either be interested or ask what a 5.9 with no beta is!
   • Avoid bragging about competitive topics or comparing yourself to other people. Focus on your personal goals and how achieving them made you feel.
   • Be tactful about topics the other person may be sensitive to. Don't talk about your great vacation to someone who can't afford one, or brag about your successful diet to someone struggling to lose weight.
   • If you're not good at celebrating your accomplishments, ask a friend or family member who's proud of you to give you ideas.
2. Tell a story. During a pause, share new information about yourself in the form of an entertaining story. You could say something like, “The funniest thing happened to me the other night.” Then share a memorable experience that you had. Maybe you recently were locked out of your house and had to find a way to break in. A good story will engage the other person and take the conversation further.
3. Be confident. You have something valuable to contribute to any conversation. You have a unique perspective that others would love to hear. Make sure to be aware of your importance in any conversation and give yourself permission to contribute as you see fit. Ultimately, a good conversation lets people share themselves with one another. Be yourself to forge a real connection and avoid awkwardness.
   • Take a chance and share something that’s very meaningful to you. For example, you could talk about an important goal you have, such as a desire to run a marathon. Even if the other person doesn’t relate, they will get to know you better and you can find out about something they hope to accomplish.
4. Give a compliment. This is always a safe bet, as long as it is appropriate. For example, you could say something like, “I’ve been meaning to tell you that I really like your shirt. Where did you get it?” This could move the conversation in another direction while making the other person feel good.
   • Stick to complimenting someone's personality or achievements if you're trying to make small talk. Save the physical compliments for flirting.
5. Change-the-Subject-in-a-Conversation. It may not be that you have run out of things to say, only that the topic of conversation has been played out. Take the conversation in a different direction by talking about the news or the weather or your favorite book — anything to break away from the previous conversation. If there's no obvious transition, just make your own:
   • "I know this isn't related, but I just remembered — someone said you knew Joel. How did that happen?"
   • "Going back to what you said earlier — you have a dog, right? What breed is he?"
   • If you don't mind being quirky, bring up something out of the blue: "So what's the weirdest place you've ever been?" This works best in casual contexts, with people who are enjoying themselves.
6. Find something non-threatening to comment upon. A good way to do this is to make a statement of observation about where you are. For example, during a lull, you might say, “Wow, look at that painting over there! I would love to be able to paint like that. Are you artistic at all?”
   • If you are having a meal together, you could say something about the food: "Is it me, or is this the best salad place in town?" Not only does that break the silence, but by posing it as a question, it gives your conversation partner a chance to respond.
   • Make a funny or intriguing comment about an inanimate object: "I heard these floorboards were originally part of the Winchester House. The owner of that building was quite eccentric, you know."

Listening and Responding

1. Find the general tone. Sometimes awkward silences are the result of an inappropriate comment. If you aren’t sure whether the person will appreciate your racy sense of humor, hold off on making the joke until you are confident it will be well received.
   • To find the tone, try pushing the conversation a little bit with a probing comment and see how people respond. For example, if you want to discuss politics, you could say something like, “This has sure been an interesting election.” Maybe they’ll disclose some of their views and you can get an idea about whether they would appreciate your joke about a candidate or be offended by it.
2. Listen carefully to your acquaintance and respond accordingly. As with any good conversation, the biggest key is to listen. If they respond to your question with a short, flat statement such as "Yep," or "Nope," that might indicate that they aren’t very comfortable talking about that particular subject. Instead, talk about something that you know they’re interested in. For example, “I heard you won your hockey game the other night. I’d love to hear about it.”
   • Pay attention to their body language as well. If they cross their arms or fidget nervously or look down, they might be uncomfortable with the subject. These are valuable clues to tell you to move on to a different topic.
   • If they don’t give too much information, maybe they’re just shy. Try to probe a little deeper and see if they open up. For example, say you ask, "Did you like that movie?" and they answer, simply, "Nope." Now you can ask them what it was that they didn't like. The plot? The score? It gives you more opportunities to restart the conversation and get to know them better.
3. Find a link between prior conversation topics. If you've had a good, multi-topic conversation and hit a wall, take a look back and ask how you ended up talking about cats when you actually started a conversation about local restaurants. You could say something like, "How did we get to cats in a discussion about restaurants?" Maybe the main link between these topics is a common acquaintance that you've been to a movie with recently. This could spark a vivid conversation about movies and TV shows, eventually leading to books or music.
4. Build on previous statements. This is a natural way to fill a silence. If you mentioned the pouring rain and your new companion expressed concern about his dog getting sick in the cold, wet weather, this is a great way to move the conversation along. Now you can spend some time talking about dogs, which will likely lead to another topic. By finding common ground with the current subject and adding additional relevant information, the conversation will continue.
   • In the event of a long pause, think back to something you already talked about or to previous conversations and go from there. For example, you can fill a silence with, “Last time we talked, you mentioned a new project you were working on. I’ve been meaning to ask you about it.”
5. Ask questions. Find out about the person's hobbies and interests. People love talking about what they like! This is a great way to get to know them better and to change the subject in a positive way in the event of a pause. This will also make future conversations less awkward, as the two of you learn about each other's interests.
   • For example, to talk about their kids, you could ask, “What’s new with Carli these days?”
   • You could also ask them about a trip they’ve taken, such as, “I heard you went to Oregon last month. What did you do there? I’ve always wanted to visit.”

Dealing with Awkwardness

1. Accept the silence. Just because there is a pause in the conversation doesn’t mean it has to be awkward. Perhaps the person is thinking before responding or maybe there is simply a natural pause. Take this opportunity to connect in other ways such as by making eye contact or just being present with the person. Silence doesn’t have to be awkward. It can be filled in other ways besides words.
   • For example, if someone has shared something difficult with you, perhaps a family member is ill, instead of trying to find the right words, give them a hug. This shows that you care and can say even more than words.
2. Identify the source. There is generally something that caused the awkward silence. If you recognize the cause, you can more easily fill the silence. Maybe someone said something that made the other party uncomfortable. Maybe you have vastly different views about something and are avoiding conflict. Maybe you just don’t have that much in common to talk about. Depending on the situation, you can respond accordingly and move forward.
   • If you said something that made the other person uncomfortable, you can simply apologize by saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was out of place.” Then move the conversation in a new direction.
   • If you don’t have much in common with the other person and have exhausted your shared interests, the silence might be telling you that it’s time to leave. Excuse yourself gracefully by saying something such as, “I have to go drive Donny to football now. Take care.”
3. Acknowledge the moment. This works best when the conversation has been halted by somebody saying something embarrassing, rude, or untimely. For example, if you are going on and on about how much you hate chess and the other person then says, “Oh, it’s my favorite game. I’m actually a grandmaster.” You could say something like, “Well I guess we won’t be chess partners anytime soon!” Then change the subject to an area of common ground. You could ask what other games they like.
   • Or if you're talking with a friend and telling them about your great date last night, and they respond with the date they're having tonight, and you discover that you're both dating the same person, the silence will be so thick you could cut it with a knife. Simply say "Awkward!" in a funny voice to diffuse the tension.
4. Find an activity. If you decide you enjoy the person you're talking with, but for whatever reason the conversation has stalled, suggest something you can do together. For example, if you're at a party it could be as simple as becoming the ad hoc greeting committee for new arrivals, or you could volunteer to be the bartenders for a little while. Maybe even create a signature cocktail and name it after the two of you!
   • If you are on a date or one-on-one with someone, suggest a walk, or a snowball fight, or some other activity you can both do at the moment.
5. Avoid awkward behaviors. Focusing on something other than your conversation partner is a sure way to make them uncomfortable and add to the awkwardness. For example, don't take out your phone and start checking for messages. Not only will they feel unimportant, but they might even leave! Find productive ways to deal with silence that involve both of you. If you really feel the need to look at your phone, you can involve the other person by showing them a short video clip or sharing a song with them. This can spark a new conversation.
6. Know when to quit. If conversation is not happening for whatever reason and you're in a situation that permits, smile and say "Please excuse me," and walk away. Find a friend to talk to or simply walk outside and get some fresh air.
   • If you're on a date and simply aren’t connecting with the person, call it a night. Say something like, "Well, I really should get going. I have a lot I need to get done tonight, but thanks for dinner."

Video

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Tips

• Learn by trial and error. You don’t have to have a perfect conversation every time. Try to improve each time you have a conversation.

Warnings

• Don’t force it. If the conversation just isn’t going well, you probably don’t have a whole lot in common with the other person. That’s ok. Simply excuse yourself and find someone else to converse with.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Cope with the End of a Long Friendship
• Overcome Hatred from Others
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Avoid Conflict
• Determine Why Someone Is Treating You Poorly
• Deal With Impossible People
• Stop Being a People Pleaser
• Deal With Beggars Asking You for Money
• Ignore People You No Longer Wish to Be Around
• Tell Someone to Stop Flirting With You

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