Find out if You Are Too Clingy

Building healthy relationships can be hard. It takes time, commitment, and dedication. If we don’t have positive models in our lives to show us what an acceptable level of attention and affection is, we might misunderstand what constitutes reasonable boundaries. Evaluating whether you are too clingy is a challenge, but listening to the other party, taking an objective look at your own behavior, and thinking through what you expect out of a relationship will help you find out if you are too clingy.

Steps

Evaluating Your Feelings to Discover if You Are Too Clingy

1. Recognize when you reveal too much too soon. If you’re clingy, you might want to get everything about your feelings or your life off your chest right away because you fear that the person you feel very clingy toward might abandon you at any moment. For instance, you might tell someone on a second or third date that you love them and want to marry them.
   • You might also reveal extremely intimate details about your past, rather than about your feelings. For instance, you might share with a coworker you just met that your mother died when you were six. These kind of personal details are usually not appropriate for someone you are not very familiar with.
   • Before revealing personal feelings or details, think about how you would respond to a given comment if you heard it from the person you are talking to. If you think it might be odd, do not share too much.
2. Identify an inability to make decisions. Clingy people will want to make the “right” decision – that is, the decision which they believe will please and win the affections of the person they are clinging to. If you find yourself waiting to decide something as important as where to go to university or as mundane as what to eat for lunch before consulting the friend or partner you’re clinging to, you are being too clingy.
3. Search your feelings for fear of separation from someone. Clingy people attach themselves strongly to one person and are afraid of losing them. Interrogate your feelings about the person you suspect you may be too clingy with. Do you think about them excessively while they are not around? Do you count the minutes until you can see them again? Do you try to forestall their leaving so that you can have them all to yourself? These are signs that you have separation anxiety, the fear inspired by the idea that someone will leave you.
   • If you are constantly texting, calling, or visiting a certain person, you are probably too clingy and fear separation.

Analyzing Your Relationships to Discover if You Are Too Clingy

1. Look for highs and lows in your relationships. In other words, look for cycles of emotional boom and bust, in which you and your friend or partner get along really well for a long stretch and nothing can go wrong, but then things seem to take a nasty turn for the worse, for days on end. If you’re riding this emotional rollercoaster, it’s possible you are too clingy.
   • For instance, you might have a great day where you and your partner go out to lunch, then rent a canoe and travel down the river to enjoy the natural world. At home later you curl up together and watch a film. The next day, your partner goes to meet his friends who he had planned to meet many days ago. You cry and complain that he never pays attention to you, despite the fact you’d spent all of the previous day together. You insist that he doesn’t go out to meet his friends and instead spends the day with you.
   • Alternately, you might insist on tagging along on his dude date. The day after, when it’s just you two without anyone else, you feel important, whole, and happy again.
2. Ask your friend if you are too clingy. You can approach this either directly or indirectly. To ask directly, approach your friend and ask “Am I too clingy?” They may be surprised by your question and laugh or smile uncomfortably. If they feel strange answering your question truthfully, they might lie and say you are not too clingy. If they are honest, however, they might admit that they do find you too clingy.
   • The other approach is less direct. This method uses probing questions like “Do you think I am a bit overbearing?” or “Do you think we spend too much time together?” These indirect questions may lead to subtle indications on the part of your friend or partner that you are, in fact, too clingy. Listen for partial admissions that you are too clingy in the form of phrases like “No, but…” or “Well, I think…”
   • For instance, your friend might answer an indirect question like “Do you mind when I come over?” with a reply like, “No, but I think we spend a lot of time together.” Even though your friend has not said you are too clingy, their qualified denial should indicate to you that something is amiss. Take this as an indication that you are too clingy.
3. Listen to what your friend has to say. A friend or partner who asks to limit your time together and wants to institute more stringent boundaries is, in a way, telling you that you’re being a bit overbearing. Learn to listen for language the expresses resentment or discomfort.
   • Is your friend or lover telling you that you’re intruding on them? That they need more alone time?
   • Does your friend or lover seem to not be around you sometimes?
   • Does your friend or lover call attention to specific actions that you’ve done -- such as showing up in the middle of the night, or calling them again and again -- as evidence for being clingy? Do you think that such behavior is normal or acceptable when attributed to another duo?
   • You might also hear complaints about your clingy behavior from others in your family or circle of friends. If they joke or comment about how you’re always with one person, you might be too clingy.
4. Identify behavior in your friend or partner which indicates they are unable to develop deep bonds. Do they have a tendency to pull away from people? To suddenly break off relationships? Do they seem to achieve some sense of power from pushing people away? If so, you might have triggered them to push you away because they have a history of being controlled or, ultimately, rejected by those who give them affection, and they are afraid of reliving these rejections with you. If this is the case, you are not clingy; the other party just needs to confront the issues which are preventing them from getting or staying closer to you.
   • For instance, if they grew up with a parent who insisted on knowing where they were at all times, even into adulthood, and gave them little freedom, perhaps that individual is unable or unwilling to let you grow closer to them because they worry you’ll manipulate and control them in the same way that parent did.
   • Alternately, you might encounter someone whose parents never paid them any attention. Because they become comfortable and familiar with the kind of relationships in which their achievements or successes are not given any real validation, they might become uncomfortable with someone who does provide them with attention and affection which they never got growing up.
   • Don’t assume that you are too clingy just because someone is pushing you away.

Becoming Less Clingy

1. Familiarize yourself with stories in which characters support and care for each other. Sometimes in childhood, we fail to form secure attachments. Often this is because our parents or guardians were poor role models, and were themselves clingy or formed only unstable relationships. By replacing your idea of what a secure, healthy, acceptable attachment looks like, you’ll be able to prime yourself to build your own healthy attachments based on the models you’ve inculcated.
   • Nonfiction in which people form healthy bonds borne of mutual respect include the Chicken Soup series of books.
   • Fictional accounts of individuals forming healthy bonds and important non-dependent friendships include The Avengers, X-Men, or Justice League.
2. Spend time on your own hobbies. In order to break yourself of clinging to one individual, distract yourself with some healthy hobbies. Go for a walk, a bike ride, or read a book. Whatever you like to do, do it without the person you’ve been too clingy with. Use the time away from your friend or partner to discover what you really enjoy.
   • Pursuing your own hobbies will give you time away from the person you’ve been so fixated on in order to build confidence in yourself.
   • Use your time on hobbies to take up old hobbies or try new ones. Have you always wanted to learn to play guitar, but never did? Now’s your chance!
3. Seek therapeutic treatment. Psychotherapy is the best option to tackle your dependent behavior. A good therapist will work with you to seek solutions to specific problems, such as your clingy behavior with or towards a particular person. In order to prevent the development of a dependent relationship with the therapist, long-term therapy is ill-advised, though the specific length of your treatment will depend on your circumstances.
   • Trust your therapist when he or she suggests that you have had enough therapy. If you have feelings of depression, anxiety, or a loss of self-confidence when your therapy is finally over, remind yourself of all the gains you’ve made and do not use your feelings as an excuse to prolong attending therapy.
   • Group therapy might also be helpful. In this approach, you will get to speak with and share stories of clingy behavior with others who have had similar experiences. Listening and talking to others who have been where you are will help you work through your issues, provide a source of support and comfort, and make you feel less alone.
4. Try medication. Your therapist can prescribe medication for specific symptoms in cases where your clingy behavior constitutes an actual dependent personality disorder. Your therapist might not prescribe medicine in your specific case, but stay open to the possibility of taking it if it is suggested.
   • Medication will not act as a magic bullet, disposing of all your clingy behavior or negative feelings. The major alterations to your clingy behavior will come about when you accept that only you can alter your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity vis-a-vis your friend or partner.
5. Acknowledge your feelings but don’t react negatively. When someone you trust and rely on pushes you away, it can be very hurtful. Realizing that they don’t feel the same way you do about your relationship could make you feel betrayed, angry, humiliated, and sad. However, do not react negatively by yelling, throwing things, engaging in violence, or causing a scene.
   • Acknowledge what the other party says and thinks, and thank them for letting you know that you are too clingy. You owe them a debt for their honesty, and can begin confronting your clingy behavior.
   • Apologize for being too clingy, even if you didn’t think you were. Say, “I’m sorry I haven’t been as respectful of your boundaries as I should have been. I hope you can forgive me.”
6. Understand why you’re clingy. Clingy people are afraid their partner will leave them. If you detect any sign that your friend or partner’s interest in you is waning -- such as a decline in calls or texts, spending less time together, or otherwise not getting the same feeling from them you used to -- you might become clingy. Your fear of abandonment then overrides your normal behavior as you struggle to reassert control over the situation and person you care for.

Building Healthy Relationships

1. Be patient with yourself and with your friend or partner. Your partner will be frustrated with you because you are too clingy. They may feel smothered by your attention and affection, or explain that you’re overbearing. Empathize with them by putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone was constantly intruding on your private time, or insisted at calling on you at home whenever they pleased?
   • Be patient with yourself too. Becoming fully conscious of your dependent, clingy behavior can take time, and altering might take just as long.
   • When you feel yourself frustrated or disappointed by your inability to stave off feelings of loneliness or longing for the person to whom you have clung for so long, remind yourself that you do not need anyone else to be content. Tell yourself, “I am a strong, independent person and will not make anyone else the center of my universe.”
2. Spend time with other friends. Being too clingy with one person means you’ve neglected other people in your life who care about you. Reconnect with family and friends who make you feel loved and valued. Spending time away from the person you’ve been so clingy with can be a breath of fresh air for both you and them.
   • If you’ve lost touch with many of your old friends because you’ve spent too long clinging to a single person, seek new friends online or in your workplace. Invite people out to grab a bite, go bowling, or hike a mountain trail with you.
   • Be careful not to replace dependency on one person for dependency on another. If you sense that you’re walking down the same emotional road you’ve just stepped off of, try to step back and ensure you aren’t becoming clingy again.
3. Accept the boundaries your friend or partner draws between you. The boundaries you’ll need to obey will depend on the specifics of your situation. For instance, if you’re calling and texting all day without a reply, the person you’re clinging to might ask you to stop calling and texting them altogether. If you show up to their house uninvited, the boundary between you two might be that you call or text before showing up and ensure doing so is acceptable at that particular time.
4. Use imagery to envision a healthy relationship. Thinking about a secure interpersonal relationship can help both you and the other party become more comfortable with and trusting of each other. Find time to sit and talk with your friend or partner about how they imagine your relationship would work under ideal circumstances.
   • If you are too clingy, envision yourself allowing your friend or partner to interact with others. Envision yourself accepting their healthy decisions and respecting their independence.
   • Encourage your friend or partner to envision these things too. What do they see your relationship becoming in the future? What would they like to do with you? How are your visions similar or different?

Tips

• Get lots of friends, and don’t spend too much time with just one. It’s okay to have a best friend, but make sure that you’re staying cognizant of their boundaries and sensitive to their needs for alone time and personal space.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Not Be Shy
• Get a Girlfriend if You're Shy
• Talk to a Shy Person
• Deal with Being Nervous
• Accept Being Shy
• Deal With Embarrassment
• Not Be Shy Around Girls
• Be Brave
• Get Over an Embarrassing Moment
• Avoid Looking Nervous

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• Be Less Clingy
• Avoid Being Clingy With Friends
• Become Outgoing if You Are Shy
• Stop Being Shy in a Relationship