Difference between revisions of "Stop Taking Things Personally"
m (Text replacement - "[[Category: A" to "[[Category:A") |
|||
| (9 intermediate revisions by the same user not shown) | |||
| Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
| − | + | Does someone else's bullying personality make you feel worthless? Do you mistake people's antics for subtle insults? Most of the time, the way a person acts has little to do with you personally. It has more to do with how this person was raised, how they deal with emotional issues, or other variables like their mood, energy level, or health. This is important to keep in mind if you find yourself taking the blame for things that are beyond your control. In order to stop taking things so personally, consider the situational factors as well as the other person’s motivations and background. Improving your self-confidence and communicating assertively are key to being able to handle other people’s comments. | |
| − | [[Category:Managing Negative Feelings]] | + | [[Category: Managing Negative Feelings]] |
[[Category:Assertiveness & Self Esteem]] | [[Category:Assertiveness & Self Esteem]] | ||
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
| Line 6: | Line 6: | ||
===Improving Your Self-Confidence=== | ===Improving Your Self-Confidence=== | ||
#Write a list of your strengths. People’s opinions and behaviors are just that. We become more susceptible to someone’s opinions if we are feeling doubtful and placing too much of our own self-worth on the opinions and actions of others. When you are confident in your abilities, another person’s rude behavior or negative opinion will be less likely to affect you. Feeling proud and confident in your own skills is more important than the passing opinions of others. | #Write a list of your strengths. People’s opinions and behaviors are just that. We become more susceptible to someone’s opinions if we are feeling doubtful and placing too much of our own self-worth on the opinions and actions of others. When you are confident in your abilities, another person’s rude behavior or negative opinion will be less likely to affect you. Feeling proud and confident in your own skills is more important than the passing opinions of others. | ||
| − | #* Write a list of your strengths and abilities to remember what your strong points are. <ref> http://mams.rmit.edu.au/elh5d4nc7sfd.pdf</ref> | + | #* Write a list of your strengths and abilities to remember what your strong points are. <ref name="rf17147"> http://mams.rmit.edu.au/elh5d4nc7sfd.pdf</ref> |
#* Make a list of things or moments that you’re proud of. Reward yourself for these good things. Think about the sorts of skills that you demonstrate during these moments. How can you do more of those things? This will help build your self-confidence. | #* Make a list of things or moments that you’re proud of. Reward yourself for these good things. Think about the sorts of skills that you demonstrate during these moments. How can you do more of those things? This will help build your self-confidence. | ||
#Write a list of goals. Having things to work towards give you a sense of self-worth and purpose. This includes things you’d like to improve on or advance in. | #Write a list of goals. Having things to work towards give you a sense of self-worth and purpose. This includes things you’d like to improve on or advance in. | ||
| Line 15: | Line 15: | ||
#* Consider playing [[Play the Rejection Therapy Game|rejection therapy]] to gently increase your tolerance of rejection. | #* Consider playing [[Play the Rejection Therapy Game|rejection therapy]] to gently increase your tolerance of rejection. | ||
#Surround yourself with positive people. You will develop more confidence in yourself and be happier if you hang out with people who treat you well. | #Surround yourself with positive people. You will develop more confidence in yourself and be happier if you hang out with people who treat you well. | ||
| − | #*Remove toxic people from your life. These are people who treat you poorly or who dump all their problems on you without reciprocating in a supportive way.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201006/7-signs-youre-in-toxic-friendship</ref><ref>http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/140204/personally/</ref> | + | #*Remove toxic people from your life. These are people who treat you poorly or who dump all their problems on you without reciprocating in a supportive way.<ref name="rf17148">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201006/7-signs-youre-in-toxic-friendship</ref><ref name="rf17149">http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/140204/personally/</ref> |
#Take care of your physical self. Take time to take care of yourself with grooming and dressing to look your best. Keep your clothes clean and wear clothes that fit properly. Toss out old clothing that doesn’t fit, is tattered, faded, etc. | #Take care of your physical self. Take time to take care of yourself with grooming and dressing to look your best. Keep your clothes clean and wear clothes that fit properly. Toss out old clothing that doesn’t fit, is tattered, faded, etc. | ||
#*Keep a good posture, as it can improve your mood. | #*Keep a good posture, as it can improve your mood. | ||
| Line 38: | Line 38: | ||
===Looking at the Situation=== | ===Looking at the Situation=== | ||
#Assess the situation. Sometimes we take things personally and blame ourselves for a person’s bad behavior. For example, an upset and emotional child may yell at you, “You ruined everything!” because the wrong cake was chosen for a 12-year-old’s party. It is important to assess the situation and acknowledge the preteen’s mean behavior is most likely due to hormones, life changes, or their own inability to regulate their emotional responses when expectations are not met. It probably has little to do with the actual cake choice or parenting. | #Assess the situation. Sometimes we take things personally and blame ourselves for a person’s bad behavior. For example, an upset and emotional child may yell at you, “You ruined everything!” because the wrong cake was chosen for a 12-year-old’s party. It is important to assess the situation and acknowledge the preteen’s mean behavior is most likely due to hormones, life changes, or their own inability to regulate their emotional responses when expectations are not met. It probably has little to do with the actual cake choice or parenting. | ||
| − | #Avoid exaggerating the situation. Sometimes, we might read too much into a situation based on previous experiences or assumptions about people.<ref> http://www.apsu.edu/sites/apsu.edu/files/counseling/COGNITIVE_0.pdf</ref> This causes us to exaggerate a situation without honestly looking at the facts. Try to look critically at the situation. | + | #Avoid exaggerating the situation. Sometimes, we might read too much into a situation based on previous experiences or assumptions about people.<ref name="rf17150"> http://www.apsu.edu/sites/apsu.edu/files/counseling/COGNITIVE_0.pdf</ref> This causes us to exaggerate a situation without honestly looking at the facts. Try to look critically at the situation. |
#*Don’t jump to conclusions. | #*Don’t jump to conclusions. | ||
#*Don’t catastrophize the situation. This is the idea that it’s the “end of the world.” Are things really this bad? | #*Don’t catastrophize the situation. This is the idea that it’s the “end of the world.” Are things really this bad? | ||
#*Stay away from thinking that things are “always” and “never” happening. | #*Stay away from thinking that things are “always” and “never” happening. | ||
| − | #Ask for clarification. If you hear a comment that you find offensive or rude, think about asking for the person to clarify what they mean. They may have misstated what they meant, or you may have heard incorrectly.<ref | + | #Ask for clarification. If you hear a comment that you find offensive or rude, think about asking for the person to clarify what they mean. They may have misstated what they meant, or you may have heard incorrectly.<ref name="rf17149" /> |
#* "Could you please clarify? I'm not sure I understand." | #* "Could you please clarify? I'm not sure I understand." | ||
#* "I didn't quite catch that. Could you please rephrase that?" | #* "I didn't quite catch that. Could you please rephrase that?" | ||
| Line 48: | Line 48: | ||
#* Think back to a bad day you had before. Is it possible that this person is having a day like that today? | #* Think back to a bad day you had before. Is it possible that this person is having a day like that today? | ||
#* Recognize that they may consider the event a mistake. We all say things we regret, and this could be one of their regrets. | #* Recognize that they may consider the event a mistake. We all say things we regret, and this could be one of their regrets. | ||
| − | #Know what you’re sensitive about. You may have certain triggers that you’re very sensitive about. For example, you might feel really sensitive about your clothes because your mother always criticized what you wore when you were little.<ref | + | #Know what you’re sensitive about. You may have certain triggers that you’re very sensitive about. For example, you might feel really sensitive about your clothes because your mother always criticized what you wore when you were little.<ref name="rf17149" /> |
#* When you identify your triggers, you can acknowledge that you might be taking things too personally. | #* When you identify your triggers, you can acknowledge that you might be taking things too personally. | ||
#* It may also be helpful to inform people about your triggers. "I'd rather you didn't make jokes about me being a witch. My nose and face are a bit of a sore spot for me, so it stings a little." | #* It may also be helpful to inform people about your triggers. "I'd rather you didn't make jokes about me being a witch. My nose and face are a bit of a sore spot for me, so it stings a little." | ||
| − | #Refocus your attention. When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what someone said or did to how you feel. Those feelings can intensify if you fixate on them. You might even catch yourself rehearsing over and over what you would have said back to the person if you could. This is known as ruminating. There are a number of strategies to help you stop ruminating over a problem. Some of these include: <ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/16/8-tips-to-help-stop-ruminating/</ref> | + | #Refocus your attention. When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what someone said or did to how you feel. Those feelings can intensify if you fixate on them. You might even catch yourself rehearsing over and over what you would have said back to the person if you could. This is known as ruminating. There are a number of strategies to help you stop ruminating over a problem. Some of these include: <ref name="rf10845">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/16/8-tips-to-help-stop-ruminating/</ref> |
#*'''Try [[Exercise Mindfulness to Be Happier|mindfulness]] exercises.''' Be present in the moment, which will bring you away from a previous moment that you’re ruminating about. | #*'''Try [[Exercise Mindfulness to Be Happier|mindfulness]] exercises.''' Be present in the moment, which will bring you away from a previous moment that you’re ruminating about. | ||
#*'''Take a walk.''' Get a change of scenery to distract your mind from the problem. | #*'''Take a walk.''' Get a change of scenery to distract your mind from the problem. | ||
| Line 67: | Line 67: | ||
#Consider the other person’s emotional management skills. Keep in mind that the other person may have poor communication and emotional management skills. Some individuals do not learn how to communicate effectively or how to express and manage their emotions. This is important to remember because it helps you be patient and sympathize, much the same way you would with a young child who hasn’t yet learned to regulate and express their emotions. | #Consider the other person’s emotional management skills. Keep in mind that the other person may have poor communication and emotional management skills. Some individuals do not learn how to communicate effectively or how to express and manage their emotions. This is important to remember because it helps you be patient and sympathize, much the same way you would with a young child who hasn’t yet learned to regulate and express their emotions. | ||
#*Imagine that there's an inner child acting out, because the person hasn't learned how to deal with problems in a mature way. It's much easier to be patient and feel compassionate when you visualize a learning child at the helm of their behavior. | #*Imagine that there's an inner child acting out, because the person hasn't learned how to deal with problems in a mature way. It's much easier to be patient and feel compassionate when you visualize a learning child at the helm of their behavior. | ||
| − | #Recognize the other person’s background. Some people lack or have a different set of social skills and norms. Sometimes a person can come across awkward or maybe even a bit rude, when they do not mean to. Some individuals act a certain way and lack the awareness of how their behaviors are being received. It is not a cold or rude behavior directed at you.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201408/how-stop-taking-things-personally</ref> | + | #Recognize the other person’s background. Some people lack or have a different set of social skills and norms. Sometimes a person can come across awkward or maybe even a bit rude, when they do not mean to. Some individuals act a certain way and lack the awareness of how their behaviors are being received. It is not a cold or rude behavior directed at you.<ref name="rf17151">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201408/how-stop-taking-things-personally</ref> |
#*For example, someone from a different culture that is a bit more reserved may come across as cold or aloof. | #*For example, someone from a different culture that is a bit more reserved may come across as cold or aloof. | ||
#*Others, such as [[Talk to an Autistic Person|someone with autism]], may not be aware of certain social cues or speech inflections. They may come across as insensitive or rude when they do not mean to be. | #*Others, such as [[Talk to an Autistic Person|someone with autism]], may not be aware of certain social cues or speech inflections. They may come across as insensitive or rude when they do not mean to be. | ||
#*Some people may not realize their “joking” behavior is not being well received by others. | #*Some people may not realize their “joking” behavior is not being well received by others. | ||
| − | #Identify [[Know the Difference Between Constructive and Non Constructive Criticism|whether criticism is constructive]]. Constructive criticism is a suggestion intended to help you. It is not a critique or criticism of your self-worth or character. For the person giving the criticism, it is easy to point out places in need of polishing. But sometimes we forget to mention how much someone is shining. Constructive criticism should have clear and specific ways in which to improve. <ref>http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/criticism.htm</ref> This is opposed to non-constructive criticism, which may just be a negative remark that offers no ways of improving. | + | #Identify [[Know the Difference Between Constructive and Non Constructive Criticism|whether criticism is constructive]]. Constructive criticism is a suggestion intended to help you. It is not a critique or criticism of your self-worth or character. For the person giving the criticism, it is easy to point out places in need of polishing. But sometimes we forget to mention how much someone is shining. Constructive criticism should have clear and specific ways in which to improve. <ref name="rf17152">http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/criticism.htm</ref> This is opposed to non-constructive criticism, which may just be a negative remark that offers no ways of improving. |
#*For example, imagine you’ve worked the last few weeks to prepare an important project for your boss. You’ve tried your best and you feel good about the final result. You submit it, hoping for the praise you feel you deserve. But you get back a list of things to improve on. You may feel deflated, offended, or unappreciated. You may take this critique as criticism rather than as your boss’ sincere attempt at improving your work. | #*For example, imagine you’ve worked the last few weeks to prepare an important project for your boss. You’ve tried your best and you feel good about the final result. You submit it, hoping for the praise you feel you deserve. But you get back a list of things to improve on. You may feel deflated, offended, or unappreciated. You may take this critique as criticism rather than as your boss’ sincere attempt at improving your work. | ||
#*'''Not constructive:''' “The article is sloppy and poorly referenced. The second topic is lacking in substance.” (This comment offers no methods for improving.) | #*'''Not constructive:''' “The article is sloppy and poorly referenced. The second topic is lacking in substance.” (This comment offers no methods for improving.) | ||
