Difference between revisions of "Stop Comparing Yourself to Others"
(importing article from wikihow) |
m (Update ref tag) |
||
| Line 7: | Line 7: | ||
===Finding the Source of Your Comparative Behavior === | ===Finding the Source of Your Comparative Behavior === | ||
#Pay attention to how you view yourself. The first step in the process of changing how you view yourself is to become aware of your thoughts about yourself. Without this awareness, you may not be able to realize the underlying problem. After having made the decision to carryout a rather difficult task of breaking the pattern, it helps to have someone to support you go through this; however, once you are consciously aware of a behavior that you’re looking to change, it becomes easier to break it down into attainable goals. | #Pay attention to how you view yourself. The first step in the process of changing how you view yourself is to become aware of your thoughts about yourself. Without this awareness, you may not be able to realize the underlying problem. After having made the decision to carryout a rather difficult task of breaking the pattern, it helps to have someone to support you go through this; however, once you are consciously aware of a behavior that you’re looking to change, it becomes easier to break it down into attainable goals. | ||
| − | #Assess your self-esteem. Self-esteem can be described as your positive or negative evaluations about yourself. We all have good and bad days, and how we feel about ourselves often changes daily to reflect events. Self-esteem can also be thought of as a stable personality trait that develops over your lifetime.<ref>Vogel, E., Rose, J., Roberts, L., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222.</ref> | + | #Assess your self-esteem. Self-esteem can be described as your positive or negative evaluations about yourself. We all have good and bad days, and how we feel about ourselves often changes daily to reflect events. Self-esteem can also be thought of as a stable personality trait that develops over your lifetime.<ref name="rf1">Vogel, E., Rose, J., Roberts, L., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222.</ref> |
#* Do you have a pretty good opinion about yourself? Do you allow others to control the way you feel about yourself? If you find yourself looking to others to determine your self-esteem, this is a sign that you could work on your happiness. | #* Do you have a pretty good opinion about yourself? Do you allow others to control the way you feel about yourself? If you find yourself looking to others to determine your self-esteem, this is a sign that you could work on your happiness. | ||
| − | #Identify your comparative behaviors. Comparative behavior happens when you compare yourself with other people, whether they are in superior or inferior positions to you. Usually, you compare positive or negative characteristics with your own. Sometimes, social comparisons can be helpful, but negative comparative behaviors can damage your own self-esteem.<ref | + | #Identify your comparative behaviors. Comparative behavior happens when you compare yourself with other people, whether they are in superior or inferior positions to you. Usually, you compare positive or negative characteristics with your own. Sometimes, social comparisons can be helpful, but negative comparative behaviors can damage your own self-esteem.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#* An example of positive behavior is when you compare yourself to someone with qualities you admire. Rather than just envy this person for his good quality (he is a caring person, for example), you strive to make yourself more caring. | #* An example of positive behavior is when you compare yourself to someone with qualities you admire. Rather than just envy this person for his good quality (he is a caring person, for example), you strive to make yourself more caring. | ||
#* An example of negative behavior is when you compare yourself with someone who has something you want. For example, you are jealous of this person’s new car. | #* An example of negative behavior is when you compare yourself with someone who has something you want. For example, you are jealous of this person’s new car. | ||
#Write down comparative thoughts or feelings. Write down the attitudes that are a direct result of comparing yourself to someone else. If you can, write it down immediately after having the thought or recalling the memory. This way, it's fresh in your mind, and you're more likely to be descriptive. | #Write down comparative thoughts or feelings. Write down the attitudes that are a direct result of comparing yourself to someone else. If you can, write it down immediately after having the thought or recalling the memory. This way, it's fresh in your mind, and you're more likely to be descriptive. | ||
| − | #*Think about how this comparison made you feel. Write down all the thoughts and feelings that come to mind. For example, you feel depressed because you are jealous of someone’s new car, and you still drive a 20-year-old car.<ref>http://journaltherapy.com/journaltherapy/journal-cafe-3/journal-course</ref> | + | #*Think about how this comparison made you feel. Write down all the thoughts and feelings that come to mind. For example, you feel depressed because you are jealous of someone’s new car, and you still drive a 20-year-old car.<ref name="rf2">http://journaltherapy.com/journaltherapy/journal-cafe-3/journal-course</ref> |
#Try to locate how your comparative behavior began. Attempt to write about a time in your life when you can remember not comparing yourself to others and begin journaling from there. Eventually, you may remember where your comparative thoughts originated. | #Try to locate how your comparative behavior began. Attempt to write about a time in your life when you can remember not comparing yourself to others and begin journaling from there. Eventually, you may remember where your comparative thoughts originated. | ||
#* For example, you may think back to your childhood before you started comparing yourself to a sibling. You may then realize that you began comparing yourself to a sibling because you felt neglected. You can now start exploring the cause of your comparative behavior. | #* For example, you may think back to your childhood before you started comparing yourself to a sibling. You may then realize that you began comparing yourself to a sibling because you felt neglected. You can now start exploring the cause of your comparative behavior. | ||
| Line 21: | Line 21: | ||
#Focus on what you have. Once you realize that comparing yourself to others doesn’t work in your favor, you’ll look for additional measures of your success. If you start to feel and express gratitude for the gifts that you do have, you will shift your focus from others to yourself. | #Focus on what you have. Once you realize that comparing yourself to others doesn’t work in your favor, you’ll look for additional measures of your success. If you start to feel and express gratitude for the gifts that you do have, you will shift your focus from others to yourself. | ||
#*Spend more of your time focusing on the positive and good in your life. You may find that you start noticing more of it when you're not busy comparing yourself to others. | #*Spend more of your time focusing on the positive and good in your life. You may find that you start noticing more of it when you're not busy comparing yourself to others. | ||
| − | #Keep a gratitude journal. A gratitude journal is a way to remind yourself of what you have. This will help you look at things that you may have taken for granted. Then, you can give appreciation to them. Think about several of your best memories. They can be things you did, places you went, friends, you spent time with, whatever makes you most happy. Focus on being grateful for those things.<ref>http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Beck-Whos-on-Top</ref> | + | #Keep a gratitude journal. A gratitude journal is a way to remind yourself of what you have. This will help you look at things that you may have taken for granted. Then, you can give appreciation to them. Think about several of your best memories. They can be things you did, places you went, friends, you spent time with, whatever makes you most happy. Focus on being grateful for those things.<ref name="rf3">http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Beck-Whos-on-Top</ref> |
| − | #*By keeping a gratitude journal you can increase your chances of success. However, just going through the motions without motivation will work against you.<ref>http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal</ref> You need to force yourself to look at things you may have taken for granted and give appreciation to them. Make the decision to acknowledge the depth of your gratitude and enhance your life. | + | #*By keeping a gratitude journal you can increase your chances of success. However, just going through the motions without motivation will work against you.<ref name="rf4">http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal</ref> You need to force yourself to look at things you may have taken for granted and give appreciation to them. Make the decision to acknowledge the depth of your gratitude and enhance your life. |
#*Write in depth. Instead of just making a laundry list of things, give a thorough explanation of a few things that make you feel grateful. | #*Write in depth. Instead of just making a laundry list of things, give a thorough explanation of a few things that make you feel grateful. | ||
#*Write about surprises or unexpected events. This will give you a chance to savor the good feelings that you experienced. | #*Write about surprises or unexpected events. This will give you a chance to savor the good feelings that you experienced. | ||
#*You don’t need to write every day. In fact, writing a couple of times a week might be more beneficial than writing every day. | #*You don’t need to write every day. In fact, writing a couple of times a week might be more beneficial than writing every day. | ||
#Be kind to yourself. By being kinder and less harsh with yourself, you will encourage yourself to go the extra mile and to try harder. | #Be kind to yourself. By being kinder and less harsh with yourself, you will encourage yourself to go the extra mile and to try harder. | ||
| − | #Understand that you are in control of your life. It is tough to resist comparing yourself to others. But you are ultimately in control of your life. You make choices to lead your life in a particular way. You make decisions that are best for you, not for anybody else.<ref>http://jamesclear.com/quality-comparison</ref> | + | #Understand that you are in control of your life. It is tough to resist comparing yourself to others. But you are ultimately in control of your life. You make choices to lead your life in a particular way. You make decisions that are best for you, not for anybody else.<ref name="rf5">http://jamesclear.com/quality-comparison</ref> |
#*It doesn’t matter what other people do or have. You are the one that matters in the course of your life. | #*It doesn’t matter what other people do or have. You are the one that matters in the course of your life. | ||
=== Removing or Replacing Comparative Thoughts === | === Removing or Replacing Comparative Thoughts === | ||
| − | #Understand the process of changing your behaviors and thoughts. The Transtheoretical Model of change <ref>http://www.prochange.com/transtheoretical-model-of-behavior-change</ref> says that we go through stages leading up to our awareness of a situation. The individual goes through a process that finally ends by accepting the new behavior. These stages include: | + | #Understand the process of changing your behaviors and thoughts. The Transtheoretical Model of change <ref name="rf6">http://www.prochange.com/transtheoretical-model-of-behavior-change</ref> says that we go through stages leading up to our awareness of a situation. The individual goes through a process that finally ends by accepting the new behavior. These stages include: |
#*'''Pre-contemplation''': During this stage, the individual is not ready to change. Often, this is due to being uninformed or under-informed on the issue at hand. | #*'''Pre-contemplation''': During this stage, the individual is not ready to change. Often, this is due to being uninformed or under-informed on the issue at hand. | ||
#*'''Contemplation''': This stage involves considering making a change. The individual begins to weigh the positive angles of change, although he is aware of the negative sides of changing. | #*'''Contemplation''': This stage involves considering making a change. The individual begins to weigh the positive angles of change, although he is aware of the negative sides of changing. | ||
| Line 50: | Line 50: | ||
#Work on improving your abilities. If you see areas that you would like to improve, take classes, workshops or lessons to hone your skills and techniques. This will add to your self-confidence and help you find your place and value. | #Work on improving your abilities. If you see areas that you would like to improve, take classes, workshops or lessons to hone your skills and techniques. This will add to your self-confidence and help you find your place and value. | ||
#*It's important to recognize that perfection is an unproductive thought pattern where one holds an unrealistic ideal as a standard of achievement. Recognize that everyone's circumstances are entirely unique. You can work on improving your abilities to make yourself happy. | #*It's important to recognize that perfection is an unproductive thought pattern where one holds an unrealistic ideal as a standard of achievement. Recognize that everyone's circumstances are entirely unique. You can work on improving your abilities to make yourself happy. | ||
| − | #Compete against yourself. Many high achieving athletes and actors have said that they compete against themselves. They constantly try to improve their own personal best. That is a good way to elevate your esteem as you see yourself reaching higher and higher goals. When an athlete aims to be the best in his sport, he may be encouraged to set goals for himself and push himself to run faster and sharpen his skills.<ref>https://www.sportpsych.org/nine-mental-skills-overview</ref> | + | #Compete against yourself. Many high achieving athletes and actors have said that they compete against themselves. They constantly try to improve their own personal best. That is a good way to elevate your esteem as you see yourself reaching higher and higher goals. When an athlete aims to be the best in his sport, he may be encouraged to set goals for himself and push himself to run faster and sharpen his skills.<ref name="rf7">https://www.sportpsych.org/nine-mental-skills-overview</ref> |
#Judge you by your standards. When you learn to use your standards to assess yourself, you will stop comparing yourself to others. This practice takes away the competition you may be feeling because other people’s expectations are not yours. If you acknowledge your ability to create the life you desire for yourself, you have control over the outcome. Judge yourself by your standards, and not by anyone else’s standards. | #Judge you by your standards. When you learn to use your standards to assess yourself, you will stop comparing yourself to others. This practice takes away the competition you may be feeling because other people’s expectations are not yours. If you acknowledge your ability to create the life you desire for yourself, you have control over the outcome. Judge yourself by your standards, and not by anyone else’s standards. | ||
#Appreciate others instead of envying them. Consider the advantage that others can bring you. If you have friends who are highly achieving people, you might consider that their networks are full of people who might be able to help you become more successful in your life. Instead of envying their success, use their success to your advantage. | #Appreciate others instead of envying them. Consider the advantage that others can bring you. If you have friends who are highly achieving people, you might consider that their networks are full of people who might be able to help you become more successful in your life. Instead of envying their success, use their success to your advantage. | ||
| Line 62: | Line 62: | ||
===Using Media Responsibly=== | ===Using Media Responsibly=== | ||
#Decrease your exposure to media and social media outlets. If you find that idealistic representations in the media are having a negative effect on your self-esteem, it may be a good idea to decrease your exposure to media and social media outlets. Limit your time spent on social media websites, or eliminate it altogether. Delete or disable your social media pages. | #Decrease your exposure to media and social media outlets. If you find that idealistic representations in the media are having a negative effect on your self-esteem, it may be a good idea to decrease your exposure to media and social media outlets. Limit your time spent on social media websites, or eliminate it altogether. Delete or disable your social media pages. | ||
| − | #* If you don’t want to completely disable or delete your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram account, then limit the time you spend each day, or each week, checking up on your accounts. For example, keep it to 10 minutes a day or 30 minutes a week, but use caution since even small amounts of exposure can lead to negative comparative thinking.<ref>Turner, S., Hamilton, H., Jacobs, M., Angood, L., & Hovde Dwyer, D. (1997). The influence of fashion magazines on the body image satisfaction of college women: An exploratory analysis. Adolescence, 32(127), 603-614.</ref> | + | #* If you don’t want to completely disable or delete your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram account, then limit the time you spend each day, or each week, checking up on your accounts. For example, keep it to 10 minutes a day or 30 minutes a week, but use caution since even small amounts of exposure can lead to negative comparative thinking.<ref name="rf8">Turner, S., Hamilton, H., Jacobs, M., Angood, L., & Hovde Dwyer, D. (1997). The influence of fashion magazines on the body image satisfaction of college women: An exploratory analysis. Adolescence, 32(127), 603-614.</ref> |
#Avoid media that show ideal images. Limit your exposure by avoiding fashion magazines, reality television shows, certain movies, and music, etc. If you found yourself frequently comparing you to a certain model or athlete, avoid magazines, shows, or games that feature them. | #Avoid media that show ideal images. Limit your exposure by avoiding fashion magazines, reality television shows, certain movies, and music, etc. If you found yourself frequently comparing you to a certain model or athlete, avoid magazines, shows, or games that feature them. | ||
| − | #* Even temporary exposure to media depicting ideal images has been shown to impact self-esteem and self-image negatively.<ref | + | #* Even temporary exposure to media depicting ideal images has been shown to impact self-esteem and self-image negatively.<ref name="rf8" /> This can even put you at risk for rumination and depression symptoms.<ref name="rf9">Feinstein, B., Hershenberg, R., Bhatia, V., Latack, J., Meuwly, N., & Davila, J. (2013). Negative social comparison on Facebook and depressive symptoms: Rumination as a mechanism. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 2(3), 161-170.</ref> |
#Start thinking realistically. Idealistic images in the media cannot always be avoided, so be aware if you're comparing yourself to them. Think about the realities of those seemingly perfect people or things. | #Start thinking realistically. Idealistic images in the media cannot always be avoided, so be aware if you're comparing yourself to them. Think about the realities of those seemingly perfect people or things. | ||
#* For example, if you envy the perfect relationship that a friend has with her spouse, remember how difficult it was for her to find that partner and the challenges she may have faced. Empathy will replace jealousy. | #* For example, if you envy the perfect relationship that a friend has with her spouse, remember how difficult it was for her to find that partner and the challenges she may have faced. Empathy will replace jealousy. | ||
