Difference between revisions of "Persuade Your Mom"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
=== Preparing a Plan === | === Preparing a Plan === | ||
| − | #Give yourself time to prepare.<ref>http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/buildingblocks/toughconversations.html</ref> You’re about to have a hard conversation that could easily turn into a fight if you’re not careful. To stop that from happening, you should put a lot of thought into how you’re going to argue with her without fighting. Don’t be impulsive! Think ahead of time and give yourself enough time to put together a proposal that will have good odds of winning her over. | + | #Give yourself time to prepare.<ref name="rf1">http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/buildingblocks/toughconversations.html</ref> You’re about to have a hard conversation that could easily turn into a fight if you’re not careful. To stop that from happening, you should put a lot of thought into how you’re going to argue with her without fighting. Don’t be impulsive! Think ahead of time and give yourself enough time to put together a proposal that will have good odds of winning her over. |
#*If the thing you’re asking for has a deadline — tickets for a concert or permission to go to a party, for example — start planning well ahead of time. | #*If the thing you’re asking for has a deadline — tickets for a concert or permission to go to a party, for example — start planning well ahead of time. | ||
#*You also want to have the conversation where you ask for permission ahead of the deadline, just in case the first answer is "no." The first answer isn't always the final answer — with some time, you may be able to change her mind. But you need enough time to do it. | #*You also want to have the conversation where you ask for permission ahead of the deadline, just in case the first answer is "no." The first answer isn't always the final answer — with some time, you may be able to change her mind. But you need enough time to do it. | ||
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#*You do your chores every day without complaining. | #*You do your chores every day without complaining. | ||
#*You haven’t asked for any favors in a long time. | #*You haven’t asked for any favors in a long time. | ||
| − | #Sweeten the pot with a bribe. Parents bribe their kids all the time to get them to behave — from allowance to trips to the zoo.<ref>http://www.dailyfinance.com/2014/04/30/good-news-parents-ok-bribe-kids/</ref> Why not use that same strategy with her? After telling her why you want the thing you’re asking for and why you think you deserve it, you should be able to move on to what you will offer her as a trade. Some examples might include: | + | #Sweeten the pot with a bribe. Parents bribe their kids all the time to get them to behave — from allowance to trips to the zoo.<ref name="rf2">http://www.dailyfinance.com/2014/04/30/good-news-parents-ok-bribe-kids/</ref> Why not use that same strategy with her? After telling her why you want the thing you’re asking for and why you think you deserve it, you should be able to move on to what you will offer her as a trade. Some examples might include: |
#*Watching younger siblings for two weekend nights so your parents can have some time to themselves for date nights. | #*Watching younger siblings for two weekend nights so your parents can have some time to themselves for date nights. | ||
#*Taking on extra chores around the house. Be specific and think about what she'd be most grateful for. If you know that vacuuming hurts her back, offer to take that off her hands. | #*Taking on extra chores around the house. Be specific and think about what she'd be most grateful for. If you know that vacuuming hurts her back, offer to take that off her hands. | ||
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=== Presenting Your Argument === | === Presenting Your Argument === | ||
| − | #Choose the right time.<ref>http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/thought/talk_parents.html#</ref> Timing is everything when it comes to having a big conversation. If you start asking things of your mother when she’s busy concentrating on something else, or when she’s in a bad mood after a long day of work, you’re probably not going to have much success. | + | #Choose the right time.<ref name="rf3">http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/thought/talk_parents.html#</ref> Timing is everything when it comes to having a big conversation. If you start asking things of your mother when she’s busy concentrating on something else, or when she’s in a bad mood after a long day of work, you’re probably not going to have much success. |
#*Watch her carefully, looking for a time when she is relaxing and in a good mood, but doesn’t look like she needs that time to herself desperately. | #*Watch her carefully, looking for a time when she is relaxing and in a good mood, but doesn’t look like she needs that time to herself desperately. | ||
#*Try not to catch her during the “me-time” she needs to unwind at the end of the day, but don’t catch her in the middle of a busy day, either. Find a perfect middle ground, where she’s relaxed and in a good mood. | #*Try not to catch her during the “me-time” she needs to unwind at the end of the day, but don’t catch her in the middle of a busy day, either. Find a perfect middle ground, where she’s relaxed and in a good mood. | ||
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#*If you’re asking to go to a party, tell her where it will be held, who will be there, and which adults will be chaperoning. Give her the adults’ phone numbers so she can speak to them for herself; talking to other adults can put parents’ minds at ease. | #*If you’re asking to go to a party, tell her where it will be held, who will be there, and which adults will be chaperoning. Give her the adults’ phone numbers so she can speak to them for herself; talking to other adults can put parents’ minds at ease. | ||
#*If you’re asking for permission to date someone, tell her all about the boy/girl you like. Tell her you want her to meet them before she makes a decision about whether or not you can date. | #*If you’re asking for permission to date someone, tell her all about the boy/girl you like. Tell her you want her to meet them before she makes a decision about whether or not you can date. | ||
| − | #Ask her for her honest reason for why she’s resisting.<ref> http://teens.webmd.com/girls-puberty-10/girls-talk-parents?page=2</ref> Sometimes, parents just give “parent” answers instead of real ones. We’ve all heard it: “Because I said so.” The vague “no” is much harder to argue with than a specific “no” because comes from a place of authority: I am your mother and you have to obey me. You can't argue with that! However, if she gives you the actual details being her reasoning, you can argue against her logical argument more easily. | + | #Ask her for her honest reason for why she’s resisting.<ref name="rf4"> http://teens.webmd.com/girls-puberty-10/girls-talk-parents?page=2</ref> Sometimes, parents just give “parent” answers instead of real ones. We’ve all heard it: “Because I said so.” The vague “no” is much harder to argue with than a specific “no” because comes from a place of authority: I am your mother and you have to obey me. You can't argue with that! However, if she gives you the actual details being her reasoning, you can argue against her logical argument more easily. |
#*Keep a curious tone, not a defensive one. There’s a big difference between screaming “WHY?” at your mother and asking “But can you please just explain to me what problems you have with this, specifically? I just want to understand. And maybe there’s something I can do to make you feel better about it.” | #*Keep a curious tone, not a defensive one. There’s a big difference between screaming “WHY?” at your mother and asking “But can you please just explain to me what problems you have with this, specifically? I just want to understand. And maybe there’s something I can do to make you feel better about it.” | ||
#*Be open-minded while she speaks. Your mother has a lot of life experience and loves you very much, so she’s probably just doing what she thinks is best for you. You don’t have to agree with her opinions, but you have to respect that she has them. | #*Be open-minded while she speaks. Your mother has a lot of life experience and loves you very much, so she’s probably just doing what she thinks is best for you. You don’t have to agree with her opinions, but you have to respect that she has them. | ||
| − | #Ask her to set her own conditions.<ref>http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-09-12/specialsection/fl-tl-0908carparents-20110912_1_car-parents-bus-schedule</ref> By making a request, then asking her to change the rules and limits of what you asked for, you’re showing her that you respect her authority. She’ll appreciate that you know she’s reasonable and just wants what’s best for you. | + | #Ask her to set her own conditions.<ref name="rf5">http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-09-12/specialsection/fl-tl-0908carparents-20110912_1_car-parents-bus-schedule</ref> By making a request, then asking her to change the rules and limits of what you asked for, you’re showing her that you respect her authority. She’ll appreciate that you know she’s reasonable and just wants what’s best for you. |
#*“What would you like me to do to earn this privilege?” | #*“What would you like me to do to earn this privilege?” | ||
#*You’ve already brainstormed some bribes. If they don’t work, then this open-ended strategy, which hands control over to her, might get you closer to your goal. | #*You’ve already brainstormed some bribes. If they don’t work, then this open-ended strategy, which hands control over to her, might get you closer to your goal. | ||
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=== Maintaining a Respectful Tone === | === Maintaining a Respectful Tone === | ||
| − | #Stay as calm as possible.<ref>http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/how_to_pick_a_fight/</ref> If it looks like your mom is going to say no, you might feel the telltale signs of anger and frustration: your skin starts feeling hot, your heart beats faster, your voice starts getting higher and louder. | + | #Stay as calm as possible.<ref name="rf6">http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/how_to_pick_a_fight/</ref> If it looks like your mom is going to say no, you might feel the telltale signs of anger and frustration: your skin starts feeling hot, your heart beats faster, your voice starts getting higher and louder. |
#*Even though you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you should know that part of winning an argument involves learning to control your emotions. | #*Even though you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you should know that part of winning an argument involves learning to control your emotions. | ||
#*Work on keeping your voice normal and level — if you notice yourself getting louder or the pitch of your voice getting higher, take calming breaths to work out that tension you feel in your throat when you get upset. | #*Work on keeping your voice normal and level — if you notice yourself getting louder or the pitch of your voice getting higher, take calming breaths to work out that tension you feel in your throat when you get upset. | ||
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#*'It would really help me with ______ if I could...' | #*'It would really help me with ______ if I could...' | ||
#*'I would really appreciate...' | #*'I would really appreciate...' | ||
| − | #Don’t interrupt her. In any argument, no matter how respectful and civil it is, you'll probably feel the urge to keep making your case, even when she's talking. This is very disrespectful, and suggests you think you deserve more time to speak than she does.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/11/05/how-to-respect-other-peoples-boundaries/</ref> | + | #Don’t interrupt her. In any argument, no matter how respectful and civil it is, you'll probably feel the urge to keep making your case, even when she's talking. This is very disrespectful, and suggests you think you deserve more time to speak than she does.<ref name="rf7">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/11/05/how-to-respect-other-peoples-boundaries/</ref> |
#*Remember that in any conversation with your mother, she's the one with the power. If you rub her the wrong way, your chances of getting whatever you want are basically zero. | #*Remember that in any conversation with your mother, she's the one with the power. If you rub her the wrong way, your chances of getting whatever you want are basically zero. | ||
#*Control the urge to speak over her, even if you have great points to make. | #*Control the urge to speak over her, even if you have great points to make. | ||
#*Wait until she’s finished her line of thought. Don’t just sit through it, but actually listen to it and absorb what she’s saying. | #*Wait until she’s finished her line of thought. Don’t just sit through it, but actually listen to it and absorb what she’s saying. | ||
#*The more you listen, the better you’ll be able to argue directly against her points. This is more effective than just making your case blindly from your own point of view. | #*The more you listen, the better you’ll be able to argue directly against her points. This is more effective than just making your case blindly from your own point of view. | ||
| − | #*To further prove to her how seriously you’re taking her point of view, use “connecting words” like “ok,” “yeah,” “uh huh,” and so on while your mother's talking to showing that you’re actively paying attention to what she’s saying.<ref>http://www.businesslistening.com/listening_skills-3.php</ref> | + | #*To further prove to her how seriously you’re taking her point of view, use “connecting words” like “ok,” “yeah,” “uh huh,” and so on while your mother's talking to showing that you’re actively paying attention to what she’s saying.<ref name="rf8">http://www.businesslistening.com/listening_skills-3.php</ref> |
| − | #Use attentive body language.<ref>http://web.missouri.edu/~campbellr/Leadership/chapter6.htm</ref> To persuade your mother, you want to use every tool in your kit, and nonverbal communication is a very effective tool when it comes to persuading someone. | + | #Use attentive body language.<ref name="rf9">http://web.missouri.edu/~campbellr/Leadership/chapter6.htm</ref> To persuade your mother, you want to use every tool in your kit, and nonverbal communication is a very effective tool when it comes to persuading someone. |
#*Maintain eye contact — it shows her that you’re paying close attention, not letting your attention drift like you have better places to be. | #*Maintain eye contact — it shows her that you’re paying close attention, not letting your attention drift like you have better places to be. | ||
#*Uncross your arms and legs. Many people think crossed arms and legs as a sign that you're closed off or distant. You want to show your mother that you are open to what she has to say. | #*Uncross your arms and legs. Many people think crossed arms and legs as a sign that you're closed off or distant. You want to show your mother that you are open to what she has to say. | ||
#*Nod your head when she’s making her points. Just like the “connecting” words, this shows that you’re following her. | #*Nod your head when she’s making her points. Just like the “connecting” words, this shows that you’re following her. | ||
| − | #Be honest with her.<ref | + | #Be honest with her.<ref name="rf3" /> Every time you get caught lying to your mother, you make it that much harder to win her over the next time you need to persuade her of something. Keep the long game in mind — be upfront and honest with her about everything, even if you think she won’t like it. You already anticipated her concerns and planned out responses to them when you were brainstorming for this conversation. If you did a good job of that, you’ll have nothing to hide. |
#*Note that you may not get what you want every single time by being honest. However, if you get caught lying, you’ll find that your mom becomes harder and harder to persuade, and she’ll be suspicious even when she has nothing to worry about. | #*Note that you may not get what you want every single time by being honest. However, if you get caught lying, you’ll find that your mom becomes harder and harder to persuade, and she’ll be suspicious even when she has nothing to worry about. | ||
