Deal with Someone That is Harassing You
If someone is constantly threatening you, attempting to make sexual advances, or refusing to leave you alone, think carefully about how to best protect yourself. The first step is usually to tell the person to stop and take measures to break off all contact. If the harassment doesn't let up, having the phone company screen your calls, getting your locks changed and involving the police are all approaches you can take. In extreme circumstances, you might need to file for a restraining order to keep your harasser away. Read on to learn more about how to deal with someone who is harassing you.
Contents
Steps
Defusing the Problem
- Make it clear that you consider this behavior harassment. If you are generally a polite, reserved person who hates hurting someone else's feelings, the harasser might think his or her behavior is actually welcome. It might be hard to believe, but it's possible the person harassing you doesn't realize his or her behavior is bothering you this much. Sometimes just telling the person outright, "I consider this to be harassment" can prompt an embarrassing wake-up call. A decent person will immediately apologize for his or her behavior and back off.
- If you have trouble with face-to-face confrontation, or if you have no desire to actually see the person, you can write it in an email or a letter instead of talking in person.
- Do not apologize for calling out the behavior for what it is - you're not the one who has done something wrong. Don't couch the accusation in sweet, friendly terms. You need to make it absolutely clear that this is harassment, or else the person might not get the message.
- Name the behavior and state that it is wrong. For example, say, “Do not whistle at me, that is harassment,” or “Do not touch my butt, that is sexual harassment.”
- Attack the behavior, not the person. Tell them what they are doing that you do not like (“You are standing too close”) rather than blaming them as a person (“You are such a jerk”). Avoid cursing, name-calling, put downs, and other actions that may escalate the situation unnecessarily.
- Tell the person to stop contacting you. If naming the harassment for what it is doesn't help, and the person continues the bad behavior, it might be time to break off contact. Making your opinion and wishes crystal clear can sometimes get through to the harasser. Tell the person that you expect him or her to stay away, and that you will no longer be answering correspondence. Be clear that if the person continues harassing you, you will take steps to put a stop to it.
- Do not get into a dialogue with the harasser, or try to reason with them, or answer their questions. You do not need to respond to diversions, questions, threats, blaming, or guilt-tripping. Stay on your own agenda. Stick to your point.
- If the harasser is someone you have to see frequently - say, someone at school, or someone who works where you do - you can still set new boundaries that make sense for your situation. Tell the person to stop hanging out by your desk or approaching you at lunchtime, for example.
- Stop answering the person's calls, emails, and other messages. Now it's time to make good on what you told the harasser by stopping correspondence on your end. If he or she tries to get in touch, don't answer his or her calls, emails or texts. At this point you've made your position clear, so if that person contacts you again he or she is explicitly going against the boundaries you've laid out. You have no obligation to explain yourself, apologize, or keep the relationship going.
- Delete the person from your phone and social media accounts. This way you'll ensure the harasser no longer has access to you or the information you share with other people. Delete the person from your phone, and set up a block on that number if possible. Unfriend the person from your Facebook and block him or her from your Twitter.
Reporting the Harassment
- Keep records of the harassment. If you continue getting harassed, keep a record of every incident that occurs. At this point the harasser's actions may be considered illegal, and if they continue you're going to need to get other people involved. You'll need evidence of the harassing behavior to show others who can help you.
- Keep all email and text correspondence you have received.
- Write down an account of what has happened, noting the date and place of each incident.
- Keep the names of other people who have witnessed the harassing behavior in case you need to ask them to verify your account of what occurred.
- Talk to the administration at your school or workplace. You don't have to deal with harassment alone. Before things get even more out of hand, talk to your human resources department, your principal, or someone else you trust. Most administrations have policies in place to deal with harassment. If the person in question is a student or an employee, involving the administration may put a stop to the behavior.
- Call the police. If the harassment reaches a threatening level and you no longer feel safe, call the police right away. If the harasser is physically near you, having the police come will put you out of harm's way. Never hesitate to call the police if you are feeling endangered; that's what they're there for. Get the badge number of the police officer to whom you speak.
- Get a restraining order. You can also get a restraining order to protect yourself and your family from the harasser. You'll need to file a petition for a restraining order, have it served to the person harassing you, and have a court hearing during which a judge will rule on what specific protections the restraining order will provide. You'll then receive restraining order papers that you should keep on hand in case the person ever violates the order.
- A restraining order usually specifies that the harasser cannot make contact with you or come within a certain distance of you.
- If you are in immediate danger, you can get a temporary restraining order that will prevent the person from being able to legally come near you or get in contact with you at least until your court date.
- Consider getting a lawyer involved. You can file your petition and attend your court hearing on your own, but it's always better to have legal advice so that you can be sure you're filling out the forms correctly and getting the protections you need.
- Have your phone company set up a trap. Call your phone company and ask them to set up a "trap" in order to track phone calls coming from the harasser's number. The phone company can then share this record with the police department, and they'll be able to use it to help them track down the harasser if necessary.
Keeping Safe
- Report violations of the restraining order right away. Every time the harasser violates the terms of the restraining order, report it to the police department. They'll keep a record of each violation. Violating a restraining order is a crime, so it is possible that criminal charges will be brought against the harasser in the case of a violation.
- Tell your friends and family what's going on. Going through this experience alone is dangerous, both physically and emotionally. It's important to tell the people in your life that you are being harassed, and that you're fearful for your safety. Keep people in the loop about where you are on a daily basis so they'll be aware if something out of the ordinary happens.
- Tell people you trust if you go out of town or need to miss work.
- Make sure people know not to give the harasser any information about you.
- Have friends stay with you when you're feeling unsafe.
- Don't publicize your location and daily habits. If you're a big Twitter and Facebook user, it might be time to take a break from publicizing your habits. Even if you deleted the harasser from your accounts, he or she might have a way of checking them through someone else's account.
- Don't use FourSquare and other apps that tell people exactly where you are.
- Don't publicly say that you're going out of town, or that you'll be alone for a certain amount of time.
- Change the locks on your door and take other safety measures around the house. Err on the side of safety and get your locks changed. You might want to get a bolt-style lock to make it harder to enter your doorways. In addition to making sure your doors are secure, consider these other safety measures:
- You can install motion-detector lights that turn on when someone is walking near your house at night.
- Look into getting security cameras you can set up around your property.
- You might want to consider getting an alarm system that will alert the police department if an intruder enters your home.
- Learn self defense skills. You'll feel safer knowing that you can defend yourself if you ever need to do so. Take a class in self defense and learn the right ways to punch, kick, and poke someone who is trying to attack you.
- Consider carrying a keychain alarm, whistle, or pocketknife.
- If it's legal in your jurisdiction, you might also want to carry pepper spray.
Tips
Look up laws in where you live about getting pepper spray. It can come in handy.
