Talk to Women Confidently in Potential Date Scenarios

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Many men become speechless when they meet a woman they are attracted to. Some men are shy around all women. If you're hoping to get a friendship going or asking her on a date, striking up the initial conversation can be nerve wracking. But if you know how to catch her eye and make her feel special, you'll be headed out to your first date sooner than you think. See Step 1 below to get started talking to all women more confidently so that next time you meet one you're attracted to, you're ready.

Steps

Initiating a Conversation

  1. Gauge her interest with eye contact. Shoot her a quick gaze, wait until she notices, smile with your eyes, and then slowly look away. If you look back and notice her looking back to meet your eyes, she's likely interested in talking. If she completely avoids eye contact with you, she's probably not interested or is too busy or distracted to notice you.
    • If she's talking to another guy, back off, unless you're really feeling bold.
    • If she's with a group of girls, then your chances may be better if you go talk to her with a group of your own friends.
  2. Get within talking distance. If she's looking at books, go look at books near her. If she's at the bar, go order a drink next to her. Find any excuse you can to casually bring yourself close to her. In some situations, though, this will be difficult (such as if she's absorbed in her laptop at a coffee shop, or talking with a friend). In that case, it's probably better not to interrupt her unless she seems obviously intrigued by you (i.e. she can't seem to stop looking at you).
    • Don't wait too long to talk to her. If she sees you looking at her and approaching, then let her see that you're a man of action, smile, and walk up to her.
  3. Strike up a conversation. Keep it casual, as if you already know each other, but not too casual because you don't want to scare her off. You can start with a simple observation and end it with a question: "Nice day, isn't it?" or "This place sure is packed, huh?" What you say isn't important. You don't really need an answer to the question; you are simply inviting her to talk with you. If she responds pleasantly, continue the conversation. If she doesn't respond or seems preoccupied or disinterested, she probably isn't interested, so start talking to someone else.
    • Don't worry about saying the perfect thing at first. You just have to get the conversation started and can wow her later. Don't go for a pick up line or something that just doesn't sound like you.
  4. Keep your conversation organic. Don't come in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way to make a connection with someone is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment. What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.[1]
  5. Compliment her. Since you just met, you shouldn't tell her she has the world's most beautiful eyes or that she has incredibly sexy legs. This will freak her out for sure. Instead, compliment her sweater, a piece of unusual jewelry that she's wearing, or even her laugh. You can maybe go as far as saying she has nice hair, but don't get much more personal than that, or it'll be too obvious that you're interested. Say something that you mean and which makes her genuinely feel appreciated.
    • Just one compliment during the first conversation is enough. You don't want her to feel like you're trying too hard.
  6. Use your environment. If things are a little awkward, at first, you can look around and use your environment to guide you. If you're in a bar, say something simple like, "Do you come here a lot?" or "Have you tried the mango mojito? It's ridiculous." If there's a poster advertising a concert that's coming to town, you can ask her if she likes the band. If she's wearing a Cal hoodie, you can ask her if she went to Berkeley, because your sister did.
    • You shouldn't look around too much or the girl will feel ignored, but if you're nervous about what to say next, the environment can be a great help.
  7. Master the small talk. There's nothing small about small talk, so don't skip it. Small talk is the stuff that can help you transition into the big topics, and you can't just go from "How are you?" to "What do you think is the meaning of life?" So, start off by talking about what you did over the weekend, the weather, your friends, your work, or whatever you think will keep the girl interested. Keep the banter going back and forth and see if you can make her laugh. Don't be too nervous about boring her; you're just getting the conversation going.
    • Make her feel comfortable about talking to you about the light topics, and soon, she'll be ready to open up a bit more.

Keeping Her Interested

  1. Reveal a little more about yourself. If this small talk goes well, share a little information about yourself--just something small like what you do for a living or how you liked the show you just saw, for example. At some point, of course, you'll want to introduce yourself and, hopefully, get her name. The key to sharing information is that you both gradually open up. Take turns talking, and each time she gives you some information about herself, give similar information about yourself, and maybe give slightly more personal information than she gave.
    • For example, if you're talking to a girl who says she's taking summer classes, you might disclose that you are also taking summer classes, and then tell her which class you are most excited about. This invites her to disclose more information about herself so that the intimacy of the conversation increases over time.
    • You don't want to share too much about yourself too quickly, and you shouldn't try to get her to do so either.
  2. Give her your complete attention. Laugh at her jokes, listen to her stories, and don't get distracted by what's going on around you. It's more important to seem interested than to seem interesting, and you don't want to hog the conversation. Being a good listener is far more important to successful conversation than being witty.
    • Put away your phone (until you ask for her number). This is not the time to check in with your friends -- unless you want her to feel unwanted.
  3. Ask her questions. If you want the woman to like talking to you, then you have to show that you actually care about her as a person instead of just thinking of her as someone you can pick up. Without getting too personal, you should ask her some questions, either about her life, her ideas, or just about some general topics like her favorite sports team or what she likes to do with her free time. Here are some things you can ask about:
    • Her family
    • Pets
    • Her favorite movies, books, albums
    • Her friends
    • Her hobbies
    • Her job
  4. Ask for her opinion. Show her you think she's a worthy, intelligent being and that you actually care about what she thinks -- beyond whether or not she'll say "yes" if you ask her out. You can joke around and ask what she thinks of your new outfit or haircut, or be more serious and ask her about what she thought about a movie that just came out, or about her favorite music or even her opinion on a local situation.
    • Just remember not to pick any topics that are too political or touchy. You may find yourself in the middle of a political or religious war, when all you were trying to do was flirt! Think twice before you ask a question that could upset the woman or get her fired up.
  5. Find common ground. Though opposites do attract, if you find something in common with the woman, you're more likely to maintain a great conversation. You shouldn't fire away with questions about her five hundred favorite things to see if any of them line up with hers, but rather keep it subtle and see if you notice her mentioning something that you both have in common and try to bring it back up when the time is right. You can talk about your favorite sports teams, your careers, your travels to Mexico, or something else that you can go on about for hours.
    • When you ask her a question, keep it open ended. Don't say, "Do you love the Lakers as much as I do?" Instead, say, "What's your favorite sports team?" so that you can find something to talk about even if she doesn't like the Lakers.
    • Pay attention. Maybe she mentions studying abroad in Spain back in college in passing during the conversation, and later, when things get a little slow, you can say, "So you mentioned you spent some time in Spain. I actually worked in Barcelona for a year. Where did you live?"
  6. Impress her with your maturity. You said you were talking to a woman, not a girl, right? If so, then you have to show her that you're independent, intelligent, and comfortable with yourself. Don't complain about work, get incredibly drunk, talk trash about people you both may know, or genuinely conduct yourself in a way that makes you look like a teenager. You can still be goofy and fun, but make it clear that you're a man who knows what he wants, not a boy who is desperately scrambling.
  7. Let her talk. You may be so busy trying to impress the girl and pulling out all of the bells and whistles that you haven't let the girl get a word in edgewise. In general, try to keep the conversation going 50/50 or 60/40 if one of you is particularly talkative. If you're doing somewhere around 80-90% of the talking, though, there's not much of a chance the girl is enjoying herself unless you're really entertaining or are telling her the world's most amazing story. So, be self-aware. Take note of how much you're talking, don't interrupt her, and don't be so afraid of silence that you can't pause for a minute to let her gather her thoughts.
    • If you want her to feel like you two really connected, then you have to let her share her ideas, too, even if it takes a little prodding.
  8. Flirt. Yes, flirting is a part of keeping the woman interested. You don't have to go overboard with it. Give her a coy smile. Tease her a little bit (as long as you know she won't take it the wrong way). Show her that you don't take yourself too seriously and that you can take a joke. Be playful. Lean a little bit closer to her if you like where the conversation is going and even give her a playful tap if you think she'd like it. Flirting goes both ways, so if it's not going well, you'll know pretty quickly.

Making a Move

  1. Make sure she's interested. Though you won't know if the woman likes you until you try, you can try to read the signs to see how she's feeling before you get in too deep. If she's looking into your eyes, laughing a lot, and not looking around for her friends to save her or backing away when you come closer, then she may be interested. If she answers your questions by just saying "yes" or "no" and looks uncomfortable or even unhappy, then she may just be too nice to let you go.
    • Read her body language. Does she lean her body toward you, or away? If she leans in to talk to you, then this may be a sign that she wants to get closer.
    • Remember that every woman is different. She may like you but she could be really shy, and you may be reading the signals wrong as a result.
  2. Break the touch barrier. This will be a way to hint at your romantic intentions. If you don't make it clear from the start that you're romantically interested in a woman, then you risk falling into the friend zone. It's not that hard to touch someone while still remaining respectful. If you're both about to go somewhere, hold out your elbow as an invitation for her to hook her arm around yours, or press with your hand on her back, just above her waist, towards the door (or corridor), while saying "after you".
    • Or, be bold and lightly place your hand over hers for just a second. If she's interested, she might seem a little surprised, but she'll still be receptive. If she's not interested, then she'll seem uncomfortable and will pull away.
  3. Close the deal. For most people, this is the hard part, because you have to actually make your intentions known, and in doing so you risk rejection. Be brave. Tell her you'd like to see her again, and just ask for her phone number or, if it feels right, try to set up a date for some future time. If she isn't interested, don't sweat it. There will always be another woman to talk to.
    • Don't put a lot of pressure on her when you ask. Just say something like, "I've had a great time talking to you and would love to pick this up over drinks or dinner some time. Can I have your phone number?" You don't have to use the word "date" or say, "I really like you" or something that makes it all a little too clear.

Tips

  • While talking, read her body language. If she's facing you or leaning towards you, that means she's interested in you. If she's fidgety or quiet, she might be uninterested, or she might just be shy.
  • Practice active listening skills. Part of listening is letting the other person know that you are listening. Make eye contact. Nod. Say "Yes," "I see," "That's interesting," or something similar to give them clues that you are paying attention and not thinking about something else - such as what you are going to say next.
  • Learn about women. Do you feel like you understand women? Or are they like an alien species to you? Spend more time around women. Read books that provide some insight into the differences between women and men. Gain some perspective on the issues that women struggle with. The more you understand women, the more comfortable you'll feel talking to them.
  • Ask questions! Most people love to talk about themselves --- get them going. Ask open-ended questions (not yes or no questions): "What classes are you taking this year?" or "Have you seen that new movie? What did you think of it?"
  • Remember, some men talk to women every day in normal situations. Talking to a woman does not always involve trying to get a date.
  • Do not talk about yourself the whole time, get to know the girl, girls want guys to know that they are interested in them, not themselves.

Warnings

  • Let go of any neediness you might have. Neediness is a precursor to obsessiveness, and obsessiveness is creepy. Needy people are imbalanced and unstable people, because their happiness hinges too greatly on someone else. If you're projecting a vibe that you'll be devastated if she interested in you, it's time slow down, be patient, and examine yourself.
  • Don't let the conversation fade into oblivion. Keep it short and sweet. Even if the conversation is going well, you should leave something to talk about the next time you meet. Besides, it's much easier to "close the deal" while the conversation is going well, rather than when the conversation has died.
  • Extended, direct eye contact is something lovers usually do. It's something you can do if the person you're talking to is noticeably romantically interested, but even then it's risky because the creep factor is high if you're mistaken. Look someone in the eye while they're talking, but also be sure to pull your gaze away periodically and shift your interest to other things. And check to make sure you don't have a tendency of staring at someone's body (chest, hands, shoes, whatever) even if in admiration or curiosity. In general, you don't want to make someone feel like they're under a microscope.
  • At the very beginning of the conversation, don't talk about anything personal. Talk about the environment around you, the show you just saw, etc., but don't talk much about yourself and don't ask the other person personal questions.
  • Make it a point to only talk to women who are friendly and polite. Even if a woman isn't interested in you romantically, there are very gracious ways to make that known; she doesn't have to treat you like an annoyance. If she rolls her eyes at you, barely answers you, and acts rude in general, don't wait for her to find an excuse to leave. Say something like "Seems like you're not interested in talking" or make an excuse to leave. There's no reason to waste time with someone that is not interested. Just the attempt of speaking with a complete stranger will boost your confidence.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://30sleeps.com/blog/2007/08/01/social-skydiving-the-art-of-talking-to-strangers/ - Original source, shared with permission.

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