Cope With Your Boyfriend's Depression

Everyone experiences sad and down days occasionally. However, some people struggle with more frequent, severe, and persistent feelings of sadness and depression that can last for weeks or months at a time. It can be difficult to know how to cope with a boyfriend who is depressed. You may not know how to take care of yourself or of him. If you can stop blaming yourself, take care of your own physical and emotional health, and get support from others, you can then begin to cope with, understand, and help your boyfriend's depression.

Steps

Meeting Your Own Needs

1. Acknowledge your feelings. When someone you love is depressed, it's normal to experience a variety of different emotions, such as frustration, sadness, anger, and guilt. It's important you accept these feelings rather than trying to ignore them or your own mental health. Once you start to notice your boyfriend's depression, take time to check-in with your feelings and express them. Acknowledge that depression may:
   • Make you feel less connected with your boyfriend.
   • Make you feel like you've done something wrong.
   • Make you feel like you have to work harder in the relationship.
2. Handle negative emotions. Feelings of guilt, anger, or frustration are normal, but could damage your relationship with your boyfriend. Expressing and working through any negative emotions will help you avoid blaming yourself for his depression or blaming him. There are many ways you may choose to let go of negative emotions, but you might try to:
   • Journal about your feelings.
   • Talk to a friend or loved one about what has been going on.
3. Talk to your boyfriend. If your boyfriend has not yet gotten help for his depression, then try telling your boyfriend what you have noticed and letting him know you are concerned. It is important to tell your boyfriend how you feel in a way that will not seem like you are blaming him. Try to express you concern in a way that shows you care and that you want to help.
   • For example, you might try saying something like, “I am worried about you. You seem like you have been kind of down lately. Have you considered getting help?” Or, “I have noticed that you seem depressed and I am worried about you. What can I do to help?”
4. Make time for things you enjoy. Your own happiness and mental health are important. If you don’t make time for the things you enjoy, you might get pulled down into your boyfriend’s depression, and then you’ll be of no help to him or yourself. Stay engaged in your own hobbies, interests, and activities to get a break from your boyfriend’s depression, which will leave you with more energy to face it.
   • Make time for your favorite hobby, such as reading or gardening.
   • Schedule time with friends.
   • Seek out fun activities that reenergize you.
   • Find activities that relax you, such as getting a massage or a manicure.
5. Take care of your physical health. Your boyfriend may have difficulty eating, sleeping, and exercising normally when depressed. Avoid getting caught in his cycle of poor physical health. You cannot control what he does, but you can take care of your own body. Make sure you are:
   • Eating healthy and regular meals.
   • Getting enough sleep.
   • Exercising regularly.
6. Get support. Keep a regular support system of people who care about you, especially since your boyfriend may not be able to care for you or listen to you as well when he is depressed. Seeking support does not mean you are weak or that you’re betraying your boyfriend, just that you need an outlet for your feelings.
   • Choose people who are non-judgmental and supportive of you, as well as people who you can be honest with and who won’t gossip about your boyfriend’s depression behind your back.
7. Set boundaries with your boyfriend. Supporting and caring for someone with depression consumes time and energy. Know that you can only do so much to help your boyfriend before you get tired or burned out yourself. To avoid getting resentful and damaging the relationship, set clear boundaries with your boyfriend on what you’re willing and capable of doing. Avoid taking on too much responsibility.
   • If you live with your boyfriend, you can say, "I need one night a week to go out and have dinner with friends. I enjoy having dinner with you on the other nights, but I need that time with them to recharge."
   • If you don’t live with your boyfriend, you can say, "I can come over to be with you on the weekends when I'm not working. That way I'll be able to spend more quality time with you without feeling stressed about getting up for work the next morning."
8. Speak honestly and gently. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs in the relationship, just like you would in a period when your boyfriend isn’t depressed. If you avoid honest communication, your boyfriend might be able to pick up that you’re holding something back. You might start to feel resentful that you can’t share your emotions with him.
   • You can say, “I know that you’ve been going through a hard time and I can’t even begin to imagine what your experience of depression is like. But I need you to know I’m feeling tired and stressed about work. I need some time with you to relax.”

Supporting Your Partner

1. Offer your help. Ask your boyfriend directly what he needs instead of making assumptions. Listen and be prepared to offer help with what’s realistic for you. Ways you might help include:
   • Taking him to doctor’s appointments.
   • Picking up prescriptions.
   • Doing chores, such as laundry or cooking.
2. Be compassionate and patient. It can be difficult to talk with a depressed person, especially since they may be irritable or take things out on you. It’s not going to be easy to be around your boyfriend for awhile most likely, since he may become moody, negative, and rejecting. However, the depression won’t last forever, so be patient with your boyfriend. To be more patient, try to:
   • Pause before responding to your boyfriend.
   • Try to put yourself into his shoes and imagine how he might be feeling.
   • Be silent when you need to and just let him talk.
   • Back off or take a time-out when you or your boyfriend are getting overwhelmed.
3. Listen non-judgmentally. Let your boyfriend talk about his depression and his symptoms with you. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and show him that you don’t judge him for having them. Ask him questions about his depression and if you don’t understand, ask more questions for clarification.
   • Avoid saying things like, “Just get over it” or “You’ll be fine.”
   • You can say, “I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I care about you. How can I help you?”
4. Encourage treatment. Your boyfriend may have difficulty finding the motivation to find a doctor and get into treatment. He may think that the whole process is hopeless and not worth his time. Try to encourage him as much as possible to seek treatment, as it will likely provide a lot of relief.
   • You can say, "How about we just go to your primary care doctor? Dr. Smith knows you really well and maybe there's something else going on he can rule out." Scheduling an appointment with a general practitioner first may be less scary than going to a counselor or psychiatrist.
   • You can say, "I'd be happy to help by researching good counselors in the area." Researching a good counselor or psychiatrist may be overwhelming for him, so try helping him with this by asking for recommendations from his doctor or seeing who is covered under insurance. Then, visit their websites to help him find a good fit.
   • You can say, "I'll go with you to your first appointment with your counselor/psychiatrist. Would you like that?" It may be a relief to have you there at his first appointment.
   • You can say, "I can help you fill out the paperwork or make a list of your symptoms. Let's do that together." This will keep him involved in the process and help him feel more prepared for the appointment.
5. Manage your expectations. Even if your boyfriend agrees to get treatment for depression, he won’t recover from the depressed episode overnight. A person who is depressed has to start with small goals and work up from there, one day at a time.Some reasonable expectations and goals to have for your boyfriend include:
   • Starting to seek more support or talk about his depression with others.
   • Trying to get more active to break the cycle of depression.
   • Making some time for activities he used to enjoy.
   • Trying to take better care of his physical health and nutrition.
6. Demonstrate healthy behavior. If you can maintain your own good emotional and physical health, you’ll reinforce and model that kind of behavior for your boyfriend. Encourage him to get active by exercising regularly yourself. Encourage healthy eating by avoiding junk food yourself. Encourage healthy relationships by spending time with supportive people yourself.
   • Keep in mind not to criticize or punish your boyfriend when he engages in the depression, such as staying in bed all day. Instead, focus on complimenting and reinforcing positive, healthy behaviors.
   • You might simply say, "It’s nice to see you up and about."

Understanding Depression

1. Educate yourself about depression. Not everyone has all of the same signs or symptoms of depression. Everyone is different in terms of how severe each symptom is. Keep in mind that some people experience multiple major depressive episodes throughout life, while others just experience mild depression that may not last as long. Some symptoms of depression include:
   • Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
   • Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
   • Fatigue or low energy
   • Irritability
   • Changes in appetite and sleep
   • Difficulty focusing on and meeting responsibilities
   • Suicidal thoughts
2. Expect new challenges in your relationship. Because depression symptoms interfere with how your boyfriend functions in everyday life, you may experience difficulties in your relationship. You may take on more than your “fair share” in the relationship for a little while, but if your boyfriend is able to get treatment for depression, this won’t last forever.
   • He may have stopped going to work, which can put a financial burden on you.
   • He may avoid social interaction, which can leave you feeling isolated.
   • He may be less interested in sex, which can affect intimacy.
   • You may have to take on more household responsibilities and chores.
3. Learn what treatment is available. There are many different treatment options out there for depression. The first step is often going to a primary care physician, who can rule-out other conditions, recommend medications, and recommend a therapist or psychiatrist. Getting treatment earlier may help reduce symptoms quickly and get your boyfriend out of treatment sooner. Treatment options include:
   • Medication
   • Sessions with mental health counselor, social worker, or psychiatrist
   • Support groups
   • Dietary and lifestyle changes
   • Relaxation techniques, mindfulness, and meditation
   • Alternative methods, like acupuncture and vitamins
4. Know the risk of suicide. Depression is a serious condition. Your boyfriend may attempt suicide or have suicidal thoughts. If your boyfriend is very depressed and hopeless, he may not see any way out of it. Call 911 or your boyfriend’s doctor or therapist if you notice any of these warning signs:
   • Acting recklessly or dangerously.
   • Saying goodbye and giving belongings away.
   • Talking about hurting himself.
   • Being preoccupied with death.
5. Watch out for atypical behavior. Men may experience depression in unique ways that aren't noticeable as depression. For example, they may act more irritably or aggressively when depressed. Other signs your boyfriend may be depressed without telling you include:
   • Drinking or other reckless behavior.
   • Withdrawing from your relationship.
   • Having an affair with someone else.
   • Experiencing more physical aches and pains.

Tips

• Be patient with your boyfriend. Treatment for and recovery from depression can take time.
• Encourage him to get professional help for depression, sooner rather than later.
• Remember that you are not to blame for his depression and you cannot fix his depression.

Warnings

• It’s possible your boyfriend may experience suicidal thoughts or attempt suicide during depression. Don’t leave him alone during a crisis. Call 911, go to an emergency room, call his physician, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

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