Accept Your Boyfriend's Friends

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Part of every new relationship is finding out what you previously did not know about your partner. You might find that you have a similar interest in an activity or that you have the same birthday. This is also a time where you begin to engage with people who spend time with your boyfriend, namely his friends. As you spend time with him, you will begin to see more of them. Giving him space to be with them and staying considerate of their relationship will help you accept them as part of your life.

Steps

Dealing with Friends You Dislike

  1. Figure out what bothers you about his friends. Sometimes, it’s impossible to know why you don’t like a person. However, sometimes, there are specific reasons for why you and another person don't get along. Figure out what your problems are with his friend or group of friends. If you don’t drink and they drink copious amounts, then it may be that your lifestyles don’t match. Or, maybe one of them behaves quite rudely towards you. These don’t have to be massive character faults. Perhaps you simply don’t share similar interests. This is fine. Knowing this will help you figure out how to improve this situation.
  2. Tell your boyfriend how you feel. Communicate to your boyfriend that it’s hard to deal with some of his friends. Sit with him and have a conversation about what you feel your problems are. By doing this, you are showing that you do want his friends to be part of your life. Be honest.[1] Your boyfriend will value this because it shows that you are willing to be up front about how you feel.
    • You might start the discussion with a phrase like, “I don’t seem to be fitting in with your friends.” Or, perhaps, you can say “I want to know more about your friends.” Using gentle language like this will make it easy to start conversing.
  3. Empathize with his friends. You may think that you are getting bad signals from your boyfriend’s friends. Yet, if you think about this from their side, you might possibly find that they are not reacting badly towards you out of malice. For example, they may just be protective of their friend. They don’t necessarily dislike you, but they feel they need to put up a strong front in order to keep you from hurting their friend. If you explain to them that you aren’t, then you might find they will be more receptive to you, and less likely to irritate you on purpose.
    • This is hard but doable. By thinking about their perspectives, you will be able to find a way to communicate with them.
  4. Don't be jealous of his friends. It’s natural to want to be with your partner when you first meet. It is also completely natural to become envious of anyone who also has claims on his time. However, you should not lash out at him or his friends because you feel this way. Take this as a good sign. It means that you have found a person that everyone wants to spend time with.
    • For example, you might become jealous of his best friend. Though this is a natural reaction, you shouldn’t become too possessive of your boyfriend. He and his best friend have probably known each other for a while, so you should respect that they need to have their time together.
  5. Deal with friends who do things you disapprove of. You may not understand why his friends behave in a certain way. They may act in ways that annoy and irritate you. You might try ignoring them. However, sometimes, this may be impossible to do. In that case, you need to find a way to confront them in a non-threatening manner.
    • For example, perhaps one of his friends always tags along with you and your boyfriend. You don’t know why this is. Perhaps, he simply does not have much to do or he just really likes your boyfriend. Either way, this is getting on your nerves. The next time he wants to hang out with you both, ask your boyfriend to tell him that you want to have couple time. If your boyfriend tells him this, then he will probably get the message.

Getting to Know His Friends

  1. Listen to your boyfriend talk about them. To understand your boyfriend’s friends, you should know what your boyfriend thinks about them. Whenever he tells stories about him and his friends, try to listen and maybe ask some questions. These stories will show crucial elements about how he feels about his friends.
    • You don’t need to take notes or anything. However, you should try to remember the details of some of the stories. This is part of his friends’ shared history. Later, if you bring up one of these stories to his friends, then they will be pleasantly surprised that you know about these moments.
  2. Spend time with his friends.[2] The best way to understand the relationship your boyfriend has with his friends is to hang out with them. Sure, the first few times won’t be super informative because they will be adjusting to you. However, after a while, they will begin to act the way that they normally do. You might use this time to identify what you like and dislike about them. Either way, you will be showing that you care about maintaining a relationship with the entire group.[3]
    • Don’t force your way in! Just be interested in joining in an activity that they were going to do together as a group. For example, if they were all going to watch a movie together, ask if you can tag along.
  3. Invite them over. This is an easy way of showing interest. Ask a few of his friends to come to your place to hang out. You might try ordering in some food or asking everyone to cook together. This is a great way for everyone in the group to bond. If you don’t want them to come to your place, then you can ask them all over to your boyfriend’s place. Just make sure that you both agree on this first!
    • You can ask your boyfriend to co-host. Having dinner with friends is enjoyable and informative. You will be able to talk to his friends in a social setting.
  4. Get to know them one at a time. Perhaps tackling an entire group of friends seems overwhelming. That’s understandable. You might try finding one friend that you think is easy to spend time with and try to focus your efforts on getting to know them. This will make it less difficult to spend time with his friends because you now have a friend in the group.

Giving Him Space

  1. Give him time to hang out with his friends. In the first throes of a new relationship, you may want to spend as much time together as possible. Try not to monopolize your boyfriend’s time. Instead, try suggesting that he tell you when he wants to be with his friends. If you tell him this, then he will know that you want him to spend time with his friends and that you don’t resent him for wanting to do so.
    • This is also a good way to avoid activities that do not interest you. For example, if you are not interested in going to a concert with his friends, you can tell him that you want him to have time with his buddies.
  2. Hang out with your friends. When your boyfriend is with his friends, you don’t need to just sit at home alone. You can go and spend time with the people in your life that you enjoy. You and your boyfriend don’t need to be together all the time. In fact, spending time with your own friends will make you feel better as well![4]
  3. Spend some time alone. Sure, you might want to be with your boyfriend when he is with his friends, but sometimes it’s better that he spend time with just them. Or, maybe you want to have time alone after you hang out with your boyfriend and his friends. Either way, don’t be afraid to take the initiative. Read that book that you have lying on your nightstand or take the walk you’ve been longing for. You know that you are in a good relationship if you can take alone time![5]
    • This time is necessary for self-reflection. However, it is possible to use this as a tactic to make your partner more receptive to you. Try not to do this. You don’t use this as an excuse to avoid spending time with your boyfriend.
    • Some ways for asking for alone time are better than others, you don’t want to simply shout “I need alone time!” If you do this, you run the risk of giving the impression that you are feeling smothered by your partner. Instead, you should gently say in a calm voice, “Hey, I think I need to spend a few hours alone today.”

Tips

  • Don't try to make your boyfriend choose between you and his friends.
  • If your boyfriend is having problems with any of his friends, try to be supportive.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.askapril.com/dating-tips-do-you-hate-his-friends--66.html
  2. ↑ http://www.newsmax.com/FastFeatures/boyfriends-friend-gifts-watch/2010/11/30/id/378429/
  3. ↑ http://metro.co.uk/2015/09/24/why-its-important-to-get-on-with-your-boyfriends-mates-5406275/
  4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/uloop/how-to-keep-your-friends-_b_2947992.html
  5. ↑ http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/healthy-relationship-signs
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