Tell Your Boyfriend You Need Some Space

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Every relationship has its ups and downs, and there may be times when you feel like you need space. Often times, when we hear, “I need space,” we assume the worst. However, needing space does not necessarily mean that you want to end your relationship. It may simply mean that you would like to focus on other obligations like school, work, or family. Here are some steps to help you communicate that you need space.

Steps

Analyzing Your Situation

  1. Pinpoint why you need space in your relationship. Take some time to really think about the reasons why you feel how you do. You may want to write down these reasons for you to reflect upon later. This will help you form answers to your boyfriend’s questions about your decision.
    • Some common reasons for wanting space in a relationship are needing some alone time to decompress after a busy week, wanting to focus on a project, or taking care of private family matters.
  2. Decide what you would ultimately like to do about your relationship. Your boyfriend will most likely want to know what taking some space apart means for your relationship. If you determine that you want to break up with your boyfriend, it is best to do so now.
    • Togetherness and separateness are balanced in healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, you also feel like your own person and have friendships outside of the relationship.[1]
  3. Plan a time and place to meet and talk. A good time would be when you are both relaxed, calm, and able to focus on listening to one another.[2] A public place that is quiet where you can still talk may help you avoid a scene, like a park or coffee shop, would be a good location.

Meeting Together

  1. Manage the conversation. Make sure you stay on topic and do not get distracted. Use “I” statements to focus on what you need and want. “I” statements show that you’re accepting responsibility for your decision. This will also help your boyfriend to feel less attacked or blamed.[3] Some examples of “I” statements are:
    • ”I am unhappy.”
    • ”I am feeling a lot of pressure.”
    • ”I don’t have enough time to pursue my hobbies.”
  2. Set clear guidelines. Figure out how much contact you will have with each other, including talking, texting, and seeing each other in person.
    • Contact may occur in some form once every a few days, once every other week, or once a month.
    • Scheduling a specific time for contact may help add stability. Perhaps your mother has doctor's appointment in the morning, so afternoons would be better or maybe you volunteer regularly on the weekends and weekdays would work best.
  3. Give a timeline. It’s important to let your boyfriend know how long he should expect to give you your space. This can be as specific as a week or a month. It is important to manage his expectations. After this initial period has elapsed, the time needed for more space can be evaluated by both parties.
    • An indefinite period of time may not be the best option as it is ambiguous and leaves the other person feeling powerless.

Handling Your Boyfriend’s Reaction

  1. Make sure to calmly acknowledge his feelings and concerns. You could say something like:[4]
    • “I see you look upset.”
    • ”I can tell I've hurt your feelings."
    • ”Is there anything else I can share with you?”
  2. Diffuse an angry outburst. Try to focus on listening to him, and eventually he should calm down. If emotions continue to overheat, do not storm out. Let your boyfriend know that you would like to briefly pause your discussion and that you will continue your talk when you have both calmed down.[5]
  3. Accept that your boyfriend may not agree with your choice. He may not want space, and may want to end your relationship. If this is the case, allow him to do so to avoid more emotional pain.

Evaluating Results

  1. Try out your plan, and ask yourself questions to help you fine-tune and adjust as needed:[6]
    • ”Do I feel like I received the space I needed?”
    • ”Did the space help me?”
    • ”Is there anything I would like to change?”
  2. Decide on clear and concrete changes together. You may decide to keep communication as is. Perhaps you and your boyfriend will decide that you can increase communication by texting and talking, but continue to see each other infrequently.[7] Or you may choose to cease all forms of communication all together.
  3. Give each other positive feedback to show that you support and care for each other.[8]
    • ”I am grateful for your support.”
    • ”I appreciate that we are working on this together.”
    • ”I am really glad you are trying this with me.”

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.ipfw.edu/affiliates/assistance/selfhelp/relationship-settingboundaries.html
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
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