Difference between revisions of "Let Your Mom Know You're Mad at Her"
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==Steps== | ==Steps== | ||
===Talking With Your Mom About Your Anger=== | ===Talking With Your Mom About Your Anger=== | ||
| − | #Give yourself some time to calm down. Though it may be tempting, approaching anyone when you are very upset and angry is unlikely to improve the situation. You are more likely to say things you don’t mean, and less likely to try and engage in a productive conversation about what angered you in the first place.<ref>http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704495004576265042570575996</ref> | + | #Give yourself some time to calm down. Though it may be tempting, approaching anyone when you are very upset and angry is unlikely to improve the situation. You are more likely to say things you don’t mean, and less likely to try and engage in a productive conversation about what angered you in the first place.<ref name="rf1">http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704495004576265042570575996</ref> |
#*If your mom doesn’t realize you are angry, and keeps trying to talk to you or ask you to do something, tell her you need to go to the bathroom, and use that as an excuse to calm down for a few minutes. Splash some water on your face, and just give yourself a few minutes to be alone. | #*If your mom doesn’t realize you are angry, and keeps trying to talk to you or ask you to do something, tell her you need to go to the bathroom, and use that as an excuse to calm down for a few minutes. Splash some water on your face, and just give yourself a few minutes to be alone. | ||
| − | #Approach your mom. Once you have calmed down, and you are ready to tell your mom that she has made you mad, start out by saying that it isn’t easy for you to have this conversation, and that she may feel upset when she hears it, but that you have to tell her in order to get over it.<ref | + | #Approach your mom. Once you have calmed down, and you are ready to tell your mom that she has made you mad, start out by saying that it isn’t easy for you to have this conversation, and that she may feel upset when she hears it, but that you have to tell her in order to get over it.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*By pointing this out, your mom will understand that you are saying something that you feel you need to get off your chest, and it will sound less like you are just trying to start a fight. Hopefully, she will also not feel that she needs to react defensively. | #*By pointing this out, your mom will understand that you are saying something that you feel you need to get off your chest, and it will sound less like you are just trying to start a fight. Hopefully, she will also not feel that she needs to react defensively. | ||
| − | #React without anger. Hopefully by now, you've given yourself enough time to cool off. This will make it possible to have the conversation without yelling, or saying things you don't mean.<ref>http://tinybuddha.com/blog/20-things-to-do-when-youre-feeling-angry-with-someone/</ref> | + | #React without anger. Hopefully by now, you've given yourself enough time to cool off. This will make it possible to have the conversation without yelling, or saying things you don't mean.<ref name="rf2">http://tinybuddha.com/blog/20-things-to-do-when-youre-feeling-angry-with-someone/</ref> |
#*Keep yourself open to hearing what she has to say, and when you speak, keep your voice even. If you start to get upset again, do your best to not raise your voice, as this will only add stress and tension to the situation. | #*Keep yourself open to hearing what she has to say, and when you speak, keep your voice even. If you start to get upset again, do your best to not raise your voice, as this will only add stress and tension to the situation. | ||
| − | #Explain what happened to make you mad. Here, it is very important to phrase things in terms of “I feel…”, rather than saying, “You did this, and you made me angry.” This is an accusation, and it makes the other person very likely to feel like they need to fight back.<ref | + | #Explain what happened to make you mad. Here, it is very important to phrase things in terms of “I feel…”, rather than saying, “You did this, and you made me angry.” This is an accusation, and it makes the other person very likely to feel like they need to fight back.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*For example, if your mom made you angry because she lectured you about getting good grades in front of your friends, then say, “I feel hurt and embarrassed when you talk to me about my grades in front of my friends.” Don’t say, “You were trying to make me feel stupid when you lectured me about my grades in front of my friends. Why did you do that?!” This makes it sound like she meant to make you feel embarrassed. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn’t, but accusing her will not improve the situation. | #*For example, if your mom made you angry because she lectured you about getting good grades in front of your friends, then say, “I feel hurt and embarrassed when you talk to me about my grades in front of my friends.” Don’t say, “You were trying to make me feel stupid when you lectured me about my grades in front of my friends. Why did you do that?!” This makes it sound like she meant to make you feel embarrassed. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn’t, but accusing her will not improve the situation. | ||
| − | #Listen to what your mom has to say. Hopefully your mom will point out that she didn’t mean to embarrass you, and that she will try not to do it in the future. At this point, you should also find out why your mom said or did whatever it was that angered you.<ref | + | #Listen to what your mom has to say. Hopefully your mom will point out that she didn’t mean to embarrass you, and that she will try not to do it in the future. At this point, you should also find out why your mom said or did whatever it was that angered you.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*You can do this by saying, “I know you probably didn’t mean to embarrass me, but why did you decide to lecture me just then? Was it something I said?” This way you can understand what triggered the behavior in the first place, and hopefully do your part to avoid it in the future. | #*You can do this by saying, “I know you probably didn’t mean to embarrass me, but why did you decide to lecture me just then? Was it something I said?” This way you can understand what triggered the behavior in the first place, and hopefully do your part to avoid it in the future. | ||
#*Listen without interrupting. Give her a chance to say everything she wants to say so that you can respond to everything she has said, if need be. | #*Listen without interrupting. Give her a chance to say everything she wants to say so that you can respond to everything she has said, if need be. | ||
| − | #Get it all out. Don’t hold back anything that you want to get off your chest while you are having this conversation with your mom. However, understand that this doesn’t mean that you should bring up every upsetting thing your mom has ever done. What it does mean, is that if something about the event is still nagging at your mind, bring it up so you can talk about it together.<ref | + | #Get it all out. Don’t hold back anything that you want to get off your chest while you are having this conversation with your mom. However, understand that this doesn’t mean that you should bring up every upsetting thing your mom has ever done. What it does mean, is that if something about the event is still nagging at your mind, bring it up so you can talk about it together.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*Remember to keep things in terms of, “I feel…”, don’t revert back to accusing your mom. She loves you very much, and although she may not be perfect, it is highly unlikely she ever wants to do anything to hurt you. | #*Remember to keep things in terms of, “I feel…”, don’t revert back to accusing your mom. She loves you very much, and although she may not be perfect, it is highly unlikely she ever wants to do anything to hurt you. | ||
#Ask for a change. If your mom has done something that recurs over and over, ask her if you can make a change together to avoid this fight in the future. Make a suggestion about what you want to change, and how you want to change it. | #Ask for a change. If your mom has done something that recurs over and over, ask her if you can make a change together to avoid this fight in the future. Make a suggestion about what you want to change, and how you want to change it. | ||
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===Dealing With Your Anger=== | ===Dealing With Your Anger=== | ||
| − | #Own your anger. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. You should do this alone before you try to confront your mom about your feelings.<ref | + | #Own your anger. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. You should do this alone before you try to confront your mom about your feelings.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*This will help you begin to see things more rationally. | #*This will help you begin to see things more rationally. | ||
#Tell your mom you need some time. If your mom has noticed that you seem upset, but you don’t feel ready to talk yet, tell her that. Explain that you are angry about something that happened, but you need a bit of time to go over it in your head, and that you would like a bit of space until you are ready to talk. | #Tell your mom you need some time. If your mom has noticed that you seem upset, but you don’t feel ready to talk yet, tell her that. Explain that you are angry about something that happened, but you need a bit of time to go over it in your head, and that you would like a bit of space until you are ready to talk. | ||
#*Understand that your mom may become very worried when you say this, especially if you she doesn’t realize that she has made you mad. Try to reassure her that everything will be fine, and that you only need a bit of space. | #*Understand that your mom may become very worried when you say this, especially if you she doesn’t realize that she has made you mad. Try to reassure her that everything will be fine, and that you only need a bit of space. | ||
#Think about why you are mad at your mom. What exactly did your mom do or say that made you feel angry? Taking the time to reflect on what she did to anger you will help you to explain to her what happened that upset you. | #Think about why you are mad at your mom. What exactly did your mom do or say that made you feel angry? Taking the time to reflect on what she did to anger you will help you to explain to her what happened that upset you. | ||
| − | #*Remember that anger is a secondary emotion.<ref>http://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-anger-management-what-is-anger/</ref> This means that when we feel anger, we are likely protecting ourselves from a more vulnerable, primary emotion such as fear, sadness, or anxiety. Think about how what your mom said or did really made you feel? Did it make you fear that you will always have to work very hard for her approval? That is actually fear that you were feeling. | + | #*Remember that anger is a secondary emotion.<ref name="rf3">http://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-anger-management-what-is-anger/</ref> This means that when we feel anger, we are likely protecting ourselves from a more vulnerable, primary emotion such as fear, sadness, or anxiety. Think about how what your mom said or did really made you feel? Did it make you fear that you will always have to work very hard for her approval? That is actually fear that you were feeling. |
| − | #Remind yourself of all the things your mom does for you. It is easy to get angry with loved ones, especially someone like your mom, because you know she won’t leave you no matter how many time you fight. When you get mad, try to take a second and remember all the things she does for you. Without her, you probably wouldn’t exist, you wouldn’t have food to eat, or a place to live.<ref>http://www.teenvogue.com/story/fighting-with-your-mom</ref> | + | #Remind yourself of all the things your mom does for you. It is easy to get angry with loved ones, especially someone like your mom, because you know she won’t leave you no matter how many time you fight. When you get mad, try to take a second and remember all the things she does for you. Without her, you probably wouldn’t exist, you wouldn’t have food to eat, or a place to live.<ref name="rf4">http://www.teenvogue.com/story/fighting-with-your-mom</ref> |
#*Think about a time where she really went out of her way to make you happy. Maybe she threw you a nice birthday party, or took you and your friends out for ice cream. Remember that she did those things only to see you happy. | #*Think about a time where she really went out of her way to make you happy. Maybe she threw you a nice birthday party, or took you and your friends out for ice cream. Remember that she did those things only to see you happy. | ||
| − | #Write it down. Writing down everything you are feeling (whether you are upset or not) can be a really great way to let off some steam. This is especially true if you feel that you are very upset, and can’t yet talk to anyone without losing your temper. If you are upset, write down what happened on a piece of paper. You don’t have to do anything with this paper, just write it down and then throw it away if you want to.<ref | + | #Write it down. Writing down everything you are feeling (whether you are upset or not) can be a really great way to let off some steam. This is especially true if you feel that you are very upset, and can’t yet talk to anyone without losing your temper. If you are upset, write down what happened on a piece of paper. You don’t have to do anything with this paper, just write it down and then throw it away if you want to.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#*This will also give you an outlet if what you really want to do is say something mean to your mom. If this is the case, write down all of the mean things you want to say, then tear it up and throw it away. This may help keep you from saying something that will really hurt your mom. | #*This will also give you an outlet if what you really want to do is say something mean to your mom. If this is the case, write down all of the mean things you want to say, then tear it up and throw it away. This may help keep you from saying something that will really hurt your mom. | ||
#*Remember to tear up the paper into unreadable bits though! You don’t want your mom to find it, as she might feel really hurt by what you’ve written. | #*Remember to tear up the paper into unreadable bits though! You don’t want your mom to find it, as she might feel really hurt by what you’ve written. | ||
