Difference between revisions of "Let Someone Down Gently"
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Letting someone down gently after you are no longer interested in them can be emotionally difficult. However, if you're interested in sparing your ex's feelings there a steps you can take to let him or her down easy. Choose effective communication strategies, avoid common pitfalls of breakups, and end the conversation in a manner that allows you both to move on. | Letting someone down gently after you are no longer interested in them can be emotionally difficult. However, if you're interested in sparing your ex's feelings there a steps you can take to let him or her down easy. Choose effective communication strategies, avoid common pitfalls of breakups, and end the conversation in a manner that allows you both to move on. | ||
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==Steps== | ==Steps== | ||
=== Communicating Effectively === | === Communicating Effectively === | ||
#Choose an appropriate time and place. If you want to let someone down easy, timing and location matter. If you're seeking to let someone down in an empathetic matter, take some time to consider the proper location and timeframe to talk to them. | #Choose an appropriate time and place. If you want to let someone down easy, timing and location matter. If you're seeking to let someone down in an empathetic matter, take some time to consider the proper location and timeframe to talk to them. | ||
| − | #*Face-to-face is ideal for difficult conversations. Humans evolved to pick up on non-verbal cues and signals that are reassuring during difficult conversations. An impromptu pat on the shoulder, for example, can reassure someone he or she is essentially lovable even if this one relationship did not work out. A look of sadness on your face can help your partner see you truly care about his or her feelings, despite the fact you feel the relationship should end.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups</ref> | + | #*Face-to-face is ideal for difficult conversations. Humans evolved to pick up on non-verbal cues and signals that are reassuring during difficult conversations. An impromptu pat on the shoulder, for example, can reassure someone he or she is essentially lovable even if this one relationship did not work out. A look of sadness on your face can help your partner see you truly care about his or her feelings, despite the fact you feel the relationship should end.<ref name="rf1">https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups</ref> |
| − | #*If possible, choose to have the talk at a place where your significant other feels comfortable. Choose to stop by his or her apartment to talk, for example. It may feel uncomfortable for you but giving someone a slight sense of power during a difficult conversation can help him or her digest bad news.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201310/tip-sheet-let-em-down-gently</ref> | + | #*If possible, choose to have the talk at a place where your significant other feels comfortable. Choose to stop by his or her apartment to talk, for example. It may feel uncomfortable for you but giving someone a slight sense of power during a difficult conversation can help him or her digest bad news.<ref name="rf2">https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201310/tip-sheet-let-em-down-gently</ref> |
| − | #*If you anticipate a long conversation, try to choose a time where the conversation will not be cut short by external factors. Do not, for example, break up with your longterm boyfriend an hour before he has to leave for work. Instead, choose to stop by his place shortly after dinner on a weeknight. This will allow any lingering loose threads to be addressed.<ref | + | #*If you anticipate a long conversation, try to choose a time where the conversation will not be cut short by external factors. Do not, for example, break up with your longterm boyfriend an hour before he has to leave for work. Instead, choose to stop by his place shortly after dinner on a weeknight. This will allow any lingering loose threads to be addressed.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Take responsibility yourself. If you're letting someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility for your decision. Oftentimes, people feel it will be easier if their partner initiates the breakup. However, you are the one whose feelings have changed. It's your responsibility to start the breakup conversation. Trying to lead your partner to the conclusion, that you want to break up, through subtle cues is not only dishonest it can be confusing. Your partner may not get the message and begin to question him or herself as you subtly pull away.<ref | + | #Take responsibility yourself. If you're letting someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility for your decision. Oftentimes, people feel it will be easier if their partner initiates the breakup. However, you are the one whose feelings have changed. It's your responsibility to start the breakup conversation. Trying to lead your partner to the conclusion, that you want to break up, through subtle cues is not only dishonest it can be confusing. Your partner may not get the message and begin to question him or herself as you subtly pull away.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*For example, if you become less physically affectionate in order to show your partner you're losing interest your partner might question his or her own attractiveness. If you want to let someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility of your decision. | #*For example, if you become less physically affectionate in order to show your partner you're losing interest your partner might question his or her own attractiveness. If you want to let someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility of your decision. | ||
#Be open and direct about your feelings. It's best to be honest when letting someone down. While you do not have to go over every single reason you want out, it's important to be direct about your expectations. Make it clear you want to end the relationship and give your partner a brief explanation as to why. | #Be open and direct about your feelings. It's best to be honest when letting someone down. While you do not have to go over every single reason you want out, it's important to be direct about your expectations. Make it clear you want to end the relationship and give your partner a brief explanation as to why. | ||
| − | #*The essential message that most breakups boil down to is, "You're not what I'm looking for." It's perfectly okay to express this. This will allow the recipient to have a sense of closure as he or she will understand your reasoning. It's okay to gently say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I need something different right now and I think we should go our separate ways." If it's a less serious relationship, you can keep the statement briefer. Something like, "Sorry, but I'm not feeling a significant spark between us. I think we would be better off friends."<ref | + | #*The essential message that most breakups boil down to is, "You're not what I'm looking for." It's perfectly okay to express this. This will allow the recipient to have a sense of closure as he or she will understand your reasoning. It's okay to gently say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I need something different right now and I think we should go our separate ways." If it's a less serious relationship, you can keep the statement briefer. Something like, "Sorry, but I'm not feeling a significant spark between us. I think we would be better off friends."<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Honesty is important, but it does not have to be brutal. It's not a good idea to go over your partner's past mistakes or current pitfalls. If you're leaving because you're no longer attracted to your partner, for example, this might be best unsaid. If you have lingering feelings of resentment over past arguments, it may feel cathartic to let this out. However, this is painful for your partner to hear. If you want to let someone down easy, keep your statements for ending the relationship general and do not go into excessive details about your partner's flaws or drawbacks as a match.<ref | + | #*Honesty is important, but it does not have to be brutal. It's not a good idea to go over your partner's past mistakes or current pitfalls. If you're leaving because you're no longer attracted to your partner, for example, this might be best unsaid. If you have lingering feelings of resentment over past arguments, it may feel cathartic to let this out. However, this is painful for your partner to hear. If you want to let someone down easy, keep your statements for ending the relationship general and do not go into excessive details about your partner's flaws or drawbacks as a match.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#Keep it short. Once again, while it's great to be honest you should also be direct. You are not doing your partner any good by beating around the bush and avoiding the subject at hand. Start the conversation off with a direct declaration of what you want, something like, "I wanted to talk to you because I don't feel this relationship is working out." From there, try to keep the conversation brief. | #Keep it short. Once again, while it's great to be honest you should also be direct. You are not doing your partner any good by beating around the bush and avoiding the subject at hand. Start the conversation off with a direct declaration of what you want, something like, "I wanted to talk to you because I don't feel this relationship is working out." From there, try to keep the conversation brief. | ||
| − | #*Letting someone down can be difficult but remaining calm and collected is important. This way, you'll be able to get your words out in a concise manner. Becoming overly emotional can result in confusing rambling, obscuring the message at hand. Try to spend some time emotionally preparing for the conversation by running over a script in your head.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately</ref> | + | #*Letting someone down can be difficult but remaining calm and collected is important. This way, you'll be able to get your words out in a concise manner. Becoming overly emotional can result in confusing rambling, obscuring the message at hand. Try to spend some time emotionally preparing for the conversation by running over a script in your head.<ref name="rf3">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately</ref> |
| − | #*You could write down some of what you plan to say. While memorizing a speech may not be the best route, this can make you come off as cold, having some idea of what you can to say can help you focus. Practice your words a few times before the confrontation.<ref | + | #*You could write down some of what you plan to say. While memorizing a speech may not be the best route, this can make you come off as cold, having some idea of what you can to say can help you focus. Practice your words a few times before the confrontation.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #Offer friendship, if you're able. Offering some kind of consolation at the end of a relationship can help reduce the sting of the blow. If possible, offer friendship to your ex. Say something like, "I hope we can stay friends." However, keep in mind many people struggle staying friends, especially in the direct wake of a breakup. If you do not think you can reasonably remain friends with someone, do not make the offer.<ref | + | #Offer friendship, if you're able. Offering some kind of consolation at the end of a relationship can help reduce the sting of the blow. If possible, offer friendship to your ex. Say something like, "I hope we can stay friends." However, keep in mind many people struggle staying friends, especially in the direct wake of a breakup. If you do not think you can reasonably remain friends with someone, do not make the offer.<ref name="rf3" /> |
=== Avoiding Pitfalls === | === Avoiding Pitfalls === | ||
| − | #Speak without cliches. When letting someone down easy, it's important to avoid anything your ex might find patronizing or insulting. Cliches, such as "It's not you, it's me," can feel dishonest. Instead, express yourself directly and abandon cliche language. Speaking to your own personal experience is best when letting someone down easy.<ref | + | #Speak without cliches. When letting someone down easy, it's important to avoid anything your ex might find patronizing or insulting. Cliches, such as "It's not you, it's me," can feel dishonest. Instead, express yourself directly and abandon cliche language. Speaking to your own personal experience is best when letting someone down easy.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#Do not place blame. You may feel some anger and resentment if you're choosing to end a relationship. It can tempting to attribute blame to your ex, especially if he or she hurt you. However, if you want to let your ex down easy playing the blame game is not a good idea. | #Do not place blame. You may feel some anger and resentment if you're choosing to end a relationship. It can tempting to attribute blame to your ex, especially if he or she hurt you. However, if you want to let your ex down easy playing the blame game is not a good idea. | ||
| − | #*Avoiding negativity of any kind is one of the best ways to spare someone's feelings. Going over past mistakes or resentments can spur an argument, resulting in an unclean and unpleasant breakup.<ref | + | #*Avoiding negativity of any kind is one of the best ways to spare someone's feelings. Going over past mistakes or resentments can spur an argument, resulting in an unclean and unpleasant breakup.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #*If you suspect your partner may not take the breakup well, keep in mind he or she may try to blame you. Avoid being sucked into a negative conversation. If your partner tries to put you down for your actions, counter with something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way but it doesn't change my decision."<ref | + | #*If you suspect your partner may not take the breakup well, keep in mind he or she may try to blame you. Avoid being sucked into a negative conversation. If your partner tries to put you down for your actions, counter with something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way but it doesn't change my decision."<ref name="rf3" /> |
#Avoid social media in the direct aftermath. Social media can be particularly toxic in the wake of a breakup. If you want to let your ex down easy, avoid positing about the breakup online. Even accounts you think he or she might not access to could potentially discovered. While many find social media cathartic when coping with a breakup, keep in mind your ex's feelings may be hurt by what you choose to post. It may also be a good idea to stop following your ex on any social media platforms. During a breakup, you'll need time to cultivate some space between you and your partner to help you move on. Severing the social media tie a bit can help. | #Avoid social media in the direct aftermath. Social media can be particularly toxic in the wake of a breakup. If you want to let your ex down easy, avoid positing about the breakup online. Even accounts you think he or she might not access to could potentially discovered. While many find social media cathartic when coping with a breakup, keep in mind your ex's feelings may be hurt by what you choose to post. It may also be a good idea to stop following your ex on any social media platforms. During a breakup, you'll need time to cultivate some space between you and your partner to help you move on. Severing the social media tie a bit can help. | ||
=== Moving Forward === | === Moving Forward === | ||
#Focus on the good times. You can help yourself and your ex cope by choosing to focus on the positive. Towards the end of the breakup conversation, try to focus on mutual benefit. | #Focus on the good times. You can help yourself and your ex cope by choosing to focus on the positive. Towards the end of the breakup conversation, try to focus on mutual benefit. | ||
| − | #*Emphasize all the good things your partner has done for you. Make sure she leaves the conversation feeling like the relationship was worthwhile even if it did not work out. Say something like, "You really made me feel good about myself and pushed me to be a kinder, more empathetic person. I will always be grateful for that."<ref | + | #*Emphasize all the good things your partner has done for you. Make sure she leaves the conversation feeling like the relationship was worthwhile even if it did not work out. Say something like, "You really made me feel good about myself and pushed me to be a kinder, more empathetic person. I will always be grateful for that."<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #*Encourage gratitude. While acknowledge it may take some time, encourage your partner to cherish the good times you had together. Relationships are primarily social exchanges and people have a natural tendency to search for their benefits. Your partner will appreciate you helping him or her seek positives even as the relationship ends.<ref | + | #*Encourage gratitude. While acknowledge it may take some time, encourage your partner to cherish the good times you had together. Relationships are primarily social exchanges and people have a natural tendency to search for their benefits. Your partner will appreciate you helping him or her seek positives even as the relationship ends.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #Be upfront about lessening contact. As previously stated, it can be helpful to leave the door open for friendship. However, you do not want to give mixed messages. Be honest about what kind of contact you want to have with your ex. If you need some space before you can work on establishing a friendship, for example, say so. Do not try to force friendly meetings prematurely, as this can confuse you and your ex. You will need time and space before you're able to see one another without romantic attachments and associations.<ref | + | #Be upfront about lessening contact. As previously stated, it can be helpful to leave the door open for friendship. However, you do not want to give mixed messages. Be honest about what kind of contact you want to have with your ex. If you need some space before you can work on establishing a friendship, for example, say so. Do not try to force friendly meetings prematurely, as this can confuse you and your ex. You will need time and space before you're able to see one another without romantic attachments and associations.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#Act civil after the breakup. You will likely run into your ex at some point in the future. Be cordial and friendly during any encounters you might have. Remain emotionally prepared. Keep in mind as you go to work, school, and run errands you may run into your ex. This can help you stay calm and collected during the encounter. | #Act civil after the breakup. You will likely run into your ex at some point in the future. Be cordial and friendly during any encounters you might have. Remain emotionally prepared. Keep in mind as you go to work, school, and run errands you may run into your ex. This can help you stay calm and collected during the encounter. | ||
| − | #Resist thinking of your ex as your one true love. When in love, many people convince themselves the person they're with is their one true love. However, you need to let those feelings go after a breakup. In reality, there are many people with whom you would be potentially compatible. You will likely find someone else in the future, despite what you may be feeling in the present moment. Allow yourself to accept the fact the relationship ended for a reason and you will find someone else in the future.<ref | + | #Resist thinking of your ex as your one true love. When in love, many people convince themselves the person they're with is their one true love. However, you need to let those feelings go after a breakup. In reality, there are many people with whom you would be potentially compatible. You will likely find someone else in the future, despite what you may be feeling in the present moment. Allow yourself to accept the fact the relationship ended for a reason and you will find someone else in the future.<ref name="rf1" /> |
===Should I Let Them Down?=== | ===Should I Let Them Down?=== | ||
