Difference between revisions of "Let Go of Doubts"
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| − | + | Doubts cause people many problems. They lead to a host of feelings including insecurity, reduced self-esteem, frustration, depression, and despair. Remember that doubt is normal, and everyone goes through it. In order to let go of your doubts, you need to understand them, and turn them into positives. A fulfilling life is not one waylaid by doubts. Rather, in learning how to explore your doubts and let them go, you can find greater internal peace. | |
| − | [[Category:Managing Negative Feelings]] | + | [[Category: Managing Negative Feelings]] |
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
=== Understanding Your Doubt === | === Understanding Your Doubt === | ||
#Acknowledge your doubt. You will never be able to overcome something if you don't first recognize that it exists and is affecting your decisions. Doubt arises for good reasons. It is not your enemy or a sign of inferiority. | #Acknowledge your doubt. You will never be able to overcome something if you don't first recognize that it exists and is affecting your decisions. Doubt arises for good reasons. It is not your enemy or a sign of inferiority. | ||
| − | #Question your doubt. What do you doubt? Where do those concerns come from? Asking questions is an important aspect to understanding your actions, so you should never be afraid to ask them, even of yourself. Focusing on what holds you back can help you see which doubts are important. You may find that, after poking through them a bit, your concerns aren't that serious.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindful-living/2011/01/doubt-your-doubt/</ref> | + | #Question your doubt. What do you doubt? Where do those concerns come from? Asking questions is an important aspect to understanding your actions, so you should never be afraid to ask them, even of yourself. Focusing on what holds you back can help you see which doubts are important. You may find that, after poking through them a bit, your concerns aren't that serious.<ref name="rf1">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindful-living/2011/01/doubt-your-doubt/</ref> |
| − | #Recognize and challenge common cognitive distortions. No one always sees the world clearly all the time. Sometimes we let our emotions cloud judgment, and convince us that certain things are true when they aren't. Ask yourself if you are doing one of the following.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/</ref> | + | #Recognize and challenge common cognitive distortions. No one always sees the world clearly all the time. Sometimes we let our emotions cloud judgment, and convince us that certain things are true when they aren't. Ask yourself if you are doing one of the following.<ref name="rf2">http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/</ref> |
#*Filtering, or cutting out positive details to focus only on the negative. You may find that you are focused on one unpleasant detail, which darkens the view you have of the task in front of you. Don't ignore that detail, but instead look at all the others as well. Many situations have positive aspects you can look at as well. | #*Filtering, or cutting out positive details to focus only on the negative. You may find that you are focused on one unpleasant detail, which darkens the view you have of the task in front of you. Don't ignore that detail, but instead look at all the others as well. Many situations have positive aspects you can look at as well. | ||
#*Overgeneralization, where we use a single piece of evidence to draw larger conclusions. If we see something bad happen once, we suddenly expect it to repeat. Sometimes these over-generalizations lead to jumping to conclusions, immediately thinking we have a larger problem figured out based on a small piece of data, rather than trying to find out more. Never be afraid to look for more information, more data, especially pieces that may challenge your generalizations. | #*Overgeneralization, where we use a single piece of evidence to draw larger conclusions. If we see something bad happen once, we suddenly expect it to repeat. Sometimes these over-generalizations lead to jumping to conclusions, immediately thinking we have a larger problem figured out based on a small piece of data, rather than trying to find out more. Never be afraid to look for more information, more data, especially pieces that may challenge your generalizations. | ||
#*Catastrophizing, focusing on the worst possible outcome. You may find yourself asking, "What if something terrible happens to me?" This worst-case scenario thinking can lead people to overemphasize small mistakes, or minimize certain positive events that may also be important. Give yourself confidence by thinking about the best-case scenarios, and what you want to accomplish. Neither of these events may come true, but thinking about the best case can alleviate doubts that come from fearing the worst. | #*Catastrophizing, focusing on the worst possible outcome. You may find yourself asking, "What if something terrible happens to me?" This worst-case scenario thinking can lead people to overemphasize small mistakes, or minimize certain positive events that may also be important. Give yourself confidence by thinking about the best-case scenarios, and what you want to accomplish. Neither of these events may come true, but thinking about the best case can alleviate doubts that come from fearing the worst. | ||
#*Emotional reasoning, where we take our feelings as the truth. You may find yourself saying "If I feel something, it must be true." Remember that your perspective is limited, and your feelings can only tell part of the story. | #*Emotional reasoning, where we take our feelings as the truth. You may find yourself saying "If I feel something, it must be true." Remember that your perspective is limited, and your feelings can only tell part of the story. | ||
| − | #Distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable doubts. In questioning your doubts, you may find some of them are unreasonable. Reasonable doubts are based on the probability that you are trying to do something beyond your capabilities.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/16/7-ways-to-navigate-self-doubt/</ref> | + | #Distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable doubts. In questioning your doubts, you may find some of them are unreasonable. Reasonable doubts are based on the probability that you are trying to do something beyond your capabilities.<ref name="rf3">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/16/7-ways-to-navigate-self-doubt/</ref> |
#*Ask yourself if your task is similar to something you have already done before, especially if that last task required you to grow. If it is, then you don't need to doubt your capability. | #*Ask yourself if your task is similar to something you have already done before, especially if that last task required you to grow. If it is, then you don't need to doubt your capability. | ||
#*Unreasonable doubts tend to come from cognitive distortions, and if you identify those in your thinking, your doubts may be unreasonable. | #*Unreasonable doubts tend to come from cognitive distortions, and if you identify those in your thinking, your doubts may be unreasonable. | ||
#*It may be good to write down your feelings, whether in a journal or diary. This can help you keep track of and sort through your thoughts and emotions. | #*It may be good to write down your feelings, whether in a journal or diary. This can help you keep track of and sort through your thoughts and emotions. | ||
| − | #Avoid seeking reassurance. When you regularly ask others to affirm your ideas, you send the implicit message that you don't trust yourself.<ref | + | #Avoid seeking reassurance. When you regularly ask others to affirm your ideas, you send the implicit message that you don't trust yourself.<ref name="rf3" /><ref name="rf4">http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/ToleratingUncertainty.pdf</ref> |
#*Seeking reassurance is not the same thing as asking for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you get a clearer sense of your concerns. If your doubt is related to a skill or expertise, talking to someone who has been successful can help clarify a way forward. Remember though, that you are the one ultimately making this decision. | #*Seeking reassurance is not the same thing as asking for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you get a clearer sense of your concerns. If your doubt is related to a skill or expertise, talking to someone who has been successful can help clarify a way forward. Remember though, that you are the one ultimately making this decision. | ||
=== Letting Your Doubts Go === | === Letting Your Doubts Go === | ||
| − | #[[Do Mindful Meditation| Practice mindfulness techniques.]] Based on a tenet of Buddhism, mindfulness involves meditation on the present, focusing on the world around without thinking about the future. By focusing only on the present, and what is around you, you can relax your concerns about the future.<ref>http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm</ref> The Greater Good Science Center from UC Berkeley has several relatively easy mindfulness exercises you can do to get started.<ref>http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=mindfulness</ref> | + | #[[Do Mindful Meditation| Practice mindfulness techniques.]] Based on a tenet of Buddhism, mindfulness involves meditation on the present, focusing on the world around without thinking about the future. By focusing only on the present, and what is around you, you can relax your concerns about the future.<ref name="rf5">http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm</ref> The Greater Good Science Center from UC Berkeley has several relatively easy mindfulness exercises you can do to get started.<ref name="rf6">http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=mindfulness</ref> |
| − | #*Mindful breathing. While in a comfortable position (sitting, standing, or lying down), take slow, controlled breaths. Breathe naturally, and notice how your body feels and reacts while breathing. If your mind begins to wander, and think about other things, take notice, and redirect your attention back to breathing. Do this for several minutes.<ref>http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/mindful_breathing</ref> | + | #*Mindful breathing. While in a comfortable position (sitting, standing, or lying down), take slow, controlled breaths. Breathe naturally, and notice how your body feels and reacts while breathing. If your mind begins to wander, and think about other things, take notice, and redirect your attention back to breathing. Do this for several minutes.<ref name="rf7">http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/mindful_breathing</ref> |
| − | #*Take a self-compassion break. Think about the situation causing you stress or doubt, seeing if you can feel the physical tension in your body. Acknowledge the pain and stress (GGSC suggests saying a phrase like "This is a moment of suffering"). State to yourself that suffering is a part of life, a reminder that others are having similar concerns. Finally, put your hands over your heart and state a self-affirming phrase (GGSC suggests "May I be kind to myself," or "May I accept myself as I am"). You can tailor the phrases you use here to your particular doubts or concerns.<ref>http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/self_compassion_break</ref> | + | #*Take a self-compassion break. Think about the situation causing you stress or doubt, seeing if you can feel the physical tension in your body. Acknowledge the pain and stress (GGSC suggests saying a phrase like "This is a moment of suffering"). State to yourself that suffering is a part of life, a reminder that others are having similar concerns. Finally, put your hands over your heart and state a self-affirming phrase (GGSC suggests "May I be kind to myself," or "May I accept myself as I am"). You can tailor the phrases you use here to your particular doubts or concerns.<ref name="rf8">http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/self_compassion_break</ref> |
| − | #*Walking meditation. Find a lane where you can walk back and forth for 10-15 paces, either indoors or outdoors. Walk deliberately, pause and breath, then turn around and walk back. As you take each step, notice the different things your body does as you take a step. Take notice of the sensations you feel as your body moves, including your breathing, the feel of your feet against the ground, or sounds caused by your movement.<ref>http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/walking_meditation</ref> | + | #*Walking meditation. Find a lane where you can walk back and forth for 10-15 paces, either indoors or outdoors. Walk deliberately, pause and breath, then turn around and walk back. As you take each step, notice the different things your body does as you take a step. Take notice of the sensations you feel as your body moves, including your breathing, the feel of your feet against the ground, or sounds caused by your movement.<ref name="rf9">http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/walking_meditation</ref> |
| − | #Change the way you look at failure. This can help you avoid doubting your abilities because you might fail. You still might, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Nothing succeeds all the time. Instead of seeing failure as a setback, look at it as a lesson for the future. Redefine failure as "experience," feedback that tells you the areas in which you need to improve. Don't be afraid to try again, this time focusing more on those areas for improvement.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2014/04/change-perspective-to-change-your-fear-of-failure/</ref> | + | #Change the way you look at failure. This can help you avoid doubting your abilities because you might fail. You still might, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Nothing succeeds all the time. Instead of seeing failure as a setback, look at it as a lesson for the future. Redefine failure as "experience," feedback that tells you the areas in which you need to improve. Don't be afraid to try again, this time focusing more on those areas for improvement.<ref name="rf10">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2014/04/change-perspective-to-change-your-fear-of-failure/</ref> |
#*As an example, think about times you failed, even at a simple task, and what you did to improve. It can be something as simple as learning a simple athletic skill like riding a bike or shooting a basketball. When it didn't work the first time, you made adjustments and tried again. | #*As an example, think about times you failed, even at a simple task, and what you did to improve. It can be something as simple as learning a simple athletic skill like riding a bike or shooting a basketball. When it didn't work the first time, you made adjustments and tried again. | ||
| − | #Give yourself credit for things that you do well. Remember that you have accomplished things before. Look for experiences in your past where you did accomplish a goal, no matter how small. Use that experience to give yourself confidence that by accomplishing that, you can do even more. Some of these accomplishments may even have put you in a position to overcome your current fears.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201104/are-you-plagued-self-doubt</ref> | + | #Give yourself credit for things that you do well. Remember that you have accomplished things before. Look for experiences in your past where you did accomplish a goal, no matter how small. Use that experience to give yourself confidence that by accomplishing that, you can do even more. Some of these accomplishments may even have put you in a position to overcome your current fears.<ref name="rf11">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201104/are-you-plagued-self-doubt</ref> |
#*Your life is full of accomplishments, both big and small. It certainly can be something bigger, like finishing a project at work, or losing weight on a new diet. Sometimes it is as simple as remembering a time you were a good friend, or were nice to another person. | #*Your life is full of accomplishments, both big and small. It certainly can be something bigger, like finishing a project at work, or losing weight on a new diet. Sometimes it is as simple as remembering a time you were a good friend, or were nice to another person. | ||
| − | #*It can help to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend in a similar situation. If they were in your situation, you would be supportive and compassionate. Don't hold yourself to an unnecessary higher standard.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/lib/fixing-cognitive-distortions/</ref><ref>http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/how_would_you_treat_a_friend#data-tab-why</ref> | + | #*It can help to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend in a similar situation. If they were in your situation, you would be supportive and compassionate. Don't hold yourself to an unnecessary higher standard.<ref name="rf12">http://psychcentral.com/lib/fixing-cognitive-distortions/</ref><ref name="rf13">http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/how_would_you_treat_a_friend#data-tab-why</ref> |
| − | #Avoid perfectionism. If you are overly determined to be not just successful, but perfect, chances are you will fall short of your goal. This determination leads to a fear of failure and making mistakes. Be realistic about your goals and expectations. You may soon find that not meeting these "perfect" goals will not bring the disappointment and disapproval you expect.<ref>http://bsc.harvard.edu/files/perfectionism_strategies_for_change_revised_2014.pdf</ref><ref>http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf</ref> | + | #Avoid perfectionism. If you are overly determined to be not just successful, but perfect, chances are you will fall short of your goal. This determination leads to a fear of failure and making mistakes. Be realistic about your goals and expectations. You may soon find that not meeting these "perfect" goals will not bring the disappointment and disapproval you expect.<ref name="rf14">http://bsc.harvard.edu/files/perfectionism_strategies_for_change_revised_2014.pdf</ref><ref name="rf15">http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf</ref> |
#*Like doubts, you need to recognize and acknowledge you are trying to be a perfectionist. If you regularly procrastinate, give up easily on tasks not going well at first or agonizing over small details, you are probably being a perfectionist. | #*Like doubts, you need to recognize and acknowledge you are trying to be a perfectionist. If you regularly procrastinate, give up easily on tasks not going well at first or agonizing over small details, you are probably being a perfectionist. | ||
#*Think about how someone else would view your situation. Would you expect the same level of dedication or accomplishment from them? Perhaps there are other ways to look at what you are doing. | #*Think about how someone else would view your situation. Would you expect the same level of dedication or accomplishment from them? Perhaps there are other ways to look at what you are doing. | ||
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#*Decide acceptable levels of imperfection. Compromise with yourself about what really doesn't need to be perfect. It may help to make a list of the costs and benefits you impose on yourself by trying to be perfect. | #*Decide acceptable levels of imperfection. Compromise with yourself about what really doesn't need to be perfect. It may help to make a list of the costs and benefits you impose on yourself by trying to be perfect. | ||
#*Face the fears of imperfection. Expose yourself by making small deliberate mistakes, such as sending off an email without checking for typos, or deliberately leaving a visible area of your home messy. By exposing yourself to these failures (which aren't really failures), you can become more comfortable with the idea of not being perfect. | #*Face the fears of imperfection. Expose yourself by making small deliberate mistakes, such as sending off an email without checking for typos, or deliberately leaving a visible area of your home messy. By exposing yourself to these failures (which aren't really failures), you can become more comfortable with the idea of not being perfect. | ||
| − | #Learn to tolerate uncertainty. Doubt sometimes arises because we cannot be completely sure of what the future will hold. Since no one can see the future, there will always be some uncertainty about how things will go. Some people allow their inability to tolerate that uncertainty paralyze them, and prevent them from taking positive actions in their life.<ref | + | #Learn to tolerate uncertainty. Doubt sometimes arises because we cannot be completely sure of what the future will hold. Since no one can see the future, there will always be some uncertainty about how things will go. Some people allow their inability to tolerate that uncertainty paralyze them, and prevent them from taking positive actions in their life.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#*List your behaviors when you doubt or face certain tasks. If you are regularly seeking reassurance (not advice) from others, procrastinating, or regularly double- and triple-checking your work, notice what tasks are causing that behavior. Ask yourself how you deal with these situations, especially if they don't work out as well as you hope. You may find that your worst-case scenario will not happen, and that things will go wrong that are easily fixable. | #*List your behaviors when you doubt or face certain tasks. If you are regularly seeking reassurance (not advice) from others, procrastinating, or regularly double- and triple-checking your work, notice what tasks are causing that behavior. Ask yourself how you deal with these situations, especially if they don't work out as well as you hope. You may find that your worst-case scenario will not happen, and that things will go wrong that are easily fixable. | ||
| − | #Take small steps toward your goal. Rather than focusing on how big your task is, think of it in smaller chunks. Instead of worrying about how it remains unfinished, celebrate the progress you make.<ref | + | #Take small steps toward your goal. Rather than focusing on how big your task is, think of it in smaller chunks. Instead of worrying about how it remains unfinished, celebrate the progress you make.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #*Don't be afraid to set time limits on your work. This can help you determine which tasks are the most important, and will require extra effort, while also preventing you from spending too much time on a specific task. Make sure you stick to those limits. Work expands to fill the time allotted.<ref | + | #*Don't be afraid to set time limits on your work. This can help you determine which tasks are the most important, and will require extra effort, while also preventing you from spending too much time on a specific task. Make sure you stick to those limits. Work expands to fill the time allotted.<ref name="rf15" /> |
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
