Difference between revisions of "Let Go of Anger"
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==Steps== | ==Steps== | ||
=== Acknowledging Your Anger === | === Acknowledging Your Anger === | ||
| − | #Understand anger. It's important to learn how to let go of your anger, not just for your psychological health, but also for your physical health. Part of letting go of anger involves forgiveness, and forgiveness can have a deterrent effect, making it less likely for people to hurt you again in the future.<ref>Wallace H, Exline J, Baumeister R (2008) Interpersonal consequences of forgiveness: does forgiveness deter or encourage repeat offenses?" Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 44, 453-460.</ref> | + | #Understand anger. It's important to learn how to let go of your anger, not just for your psychological health, but also for your physical health. Part of letting go of anger involves forgiveness, and forgiveness can have a deterrent effect, making it less likely for people to hurt you again in the future.<ref name="rf1">Wallace H, Exline J, Baumeister R (2008) Interpersonal consequences of forgiveness: does forgiveness deter or encourage repeat offenses?" Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 44, 453-460.</ref> |
#*When someone betrays or hurts you, it can have a negative effect on your health through increased anxiety and stress. This can negatively impact your cardiac,<ref>Sanchez-Gonzalez, Marcos A., et al. "Impact of negative affectivity and trait forgiveness on aortic blood pressure and coronary circulation." Psychophysiology 52.2 (2015): 296+. Academic OneFile. Web. 29 Jan. 2015. | #*When someone betrays or hurts you, it can have a negative effect on your health through increased anxiety and stress. This can negatively impact your cardiac,<ref>Sanchez-Gonzalez, Marcos A., et al. "Impact of negative affectivity and trait forgiveness on aortic blood pressure and coronary circulation." Psychophysiology 52.2 (2015): 296+. Academic OneFile. Web. 29 Jan. 2015. | ||
| − | http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA398478725&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=247159d41436f5ecec1292f2f472fe97</ref> immune, and nervous systems.<ref> http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692</ref> | + | http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA398478725&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=247159d41436f5ecec1292f2f472fe97</ref> immune, and nervous systems.<ref name="rf2"> http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692</ref> |
| − | #Identify the problem.<ref>http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html</ref> Figure out what, specifically, you feel hurt over. Only in identifying the loss or underlying problem can you begin to confront that issue and let go of it. It's also important to understand whether the other person knows that she has hurt you. This will impact how you begin reconciling.<ref>Newman, Leonard S., and Lindsay R. Kraynak. "The ambiguity of a transgression and the type of apology influence immediate reactions." Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 41.1 (2013): 31+. Academic OneFile. Web. 30 Jan. 2015. http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA333742333&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=541f37c08e4913d2aed211f060cd9414</ref> | + | #Identify the problem.<ref name="rf3">http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html</ref> Figure out what, specifically, you feel hurt over. Only in identifying the loss or underlying problem can you begin to confront that issue and let go of it. It's also important to understand whether the other person knows that she has hurt you. This will impact how you begin reconciling.<ref name="rf4">Newman, Leonard S., and Lindsay R. Kraynak. "The ambiguity of a transgression and the type of apology influence immediate reactions." Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 41.1 (2013): 31+. Academic OneFile. Web. 30 Jan. 2015. http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA333742333&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=541f37c08e4913d2aed211f060cd9414</ref> |
#*For instance, if a spouse cheated on you or left you, you would understandably feel angry. The sense of loss you feel likely stems from the loss of being loved and being appreciated or respected. Furthermore, your spouse likely understands the way that she has hurt you. | #*For instance, if a spouse cheated on you or left you, you would understandably feel angry. The sense of loss you feel likely stems from the loss of being loved and being appreciated or respected. Furthermore, your spouse likely understands the way that she has hurt you. | ||
#*Alternatively, if a friend has an extra ticket to a concert and does not invite you, you may feel a loss of friendship and camaraderie that drives you to sorrow and anger. However, your friend may be unaware that your feelings were hurt. | #*Alternatively, if a friend has an extra ticket to a concert and does not invite you, you may feel a loss of friendship and camaraderie that drives you to sorrow and anger. However, your friend may be unaware that your feelings were hurt. | ||
| − | #Let yourself grieve. Interpersonal conflict and resolution can be thought of as a grieving process. For example, when someone hurts you, it can feel as though you have lost that person. The stages of grief are helpful for understanding your emotions after you are hurt. They can also help you understand how your anger is a part of the grieving process and therefore, can help you let go of your anger.<ref>Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.1615043</ref> | + | #Let yourself grieve. Interpersonal conflict and resolution can be thought of as a grieving process. For example, when someone hurts you, it can feel as though you have lost that person. The stages of grief are helpful for understanding your emotions after you are hurt. They can also help you understand how your anger is a part of the grieving process and therefore, can help you let go of your anger.<ref name="rf5">Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.1615043</ref> |
#* If the hurt has to do with a breakup or other type of indefinite separation, then that loss may seem permanent. If the hurt has to do with being overlooked, forgotten, or otherwise disrespected then it can seem as though you lost that person temporarily by losing their attention or respect. | #* If the hurt has to do with a breakup or other type of indefinite separation, then that loss may seem permanent. If the hurt has to do with being overlooked, forgotten, or otherwise disrespected then it can seem as though you lost that person temporarily by losing their attention or respect. | ||
| − | #Temporarily avoid the person who hurt you. Anger can get out of control when tension escalates between you and the person who hurt you.<ref | + | #Temporarily avoid the person who hurt you. Anger can get out of control when tension escalates between you and the person who hurt you.<ref name="rf5" /> Wait to interact until you've processed your grief and moved on to a more accepting stage. |
#* It's important that the other person move on the grieving process as well, so that anger is not directed at you when you interact. Even if the other person is the one that hurt you, she can still feel a sense of loss and regret. | #* It's important that the other person move on the grieving process as well, so that anger is not directed at you when you interact. Even if the other person is the one that hurt you, she can still feel a sense of loss and regret. | ||
=== Dealing with Your Anger === | === Dealing with Your Anger === | ||
| − | #Scream. There are times when a person feels so angry that he or she feels the desire to scream. If you are facing this sort of anger right now, pause your reading and go scream into a pillow. Screaming offers you a physical release. Studies have shown that crying it out can release toxins that are built up by stress.<ref>http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/</ref> | + | #Scream. There are times when a person feels so angry that he or she feels the desire to scream. If you are facing this sort of anger right now, pause your reading and go scream into a pillow. Screaming offers you a physical release. Studies have shown that crying it out can release toxins that are built up by stress.<ref name="rf6">http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/</ref> |
#*As a word of caution, you should try to make sure that your scream is well-muffled by the sound of your pillow to avoid worrying any neighbors. | #*As a word of caution, you should try to make sure that your scream is well-muffled by the sound of your pillow to avoid worrying any neighbors. | ||
#Metaphorically throw your anger away. If there are a lot of details about a given situation that make you upset, you can find something symbolic to represent these components of your anger before throwing those symbolic elements away. For example, | #Metaphorically throw your anger away. If there are a lot of details about a given situation that make you upset, you can find something symbolic to represent these components of your anger before throwing those symbolic elements away. For example, | ||
| − | #*You can collect stones alongside a river and throw them into the water after you have assigned a component of your anger to each one.<ref | + | #*You can collect stones alongside a river and throw them into the water after you have assigned a component of your anger to each one.<ref name="rf6" /> |
| − | #Replace resentment with compassion. Another way to put this would be to “walk in the other person's shoes.” Consider the reasons the offending party may have had for acting in a hurtful way. You might never completely understand another's motivations, nor may you agree with them upon identifying them, but it is easier to let go of anger towards someone after you spend a little time in her head.<ref | + | #Replace resentment with compassion. Another way to put this would be to “walk in the other person's shoes.” Consider the reasons the offending party may have had for acting in a hurtful way. You might never completely understand another's motivations, nor may you agree with them upon identifying them, but it is easier to let go of anger towards someone after you spend a little time in her head.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#* If possible, remind yourself that the other person didn't realize she was hurting you. If she did consciously hurt you, think about what led her to do so. | #* If possible, remind yourself that the other person didn't realize she was hurting you. If she did consciously hurt you, think about what led her to do so. | ||
| − | #Determine if reconciliation is an option. Understand that forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation. If you suspect that the party responsible for triggering your anger feels remorseful and wants to make amends, reconciliation might work out.<ref>http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Guilt_+Regret_+Forgiveness_+Reconciliation.aspx</ref> | + | #Determine if reconciliation is an option. Understand that forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation. If you suspect that the party responsible for triggering your anger feels remorseful and wants to make amends, reconciliation might work out.<ref name="rf7">http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Guilt_+Regret_+Forgiveness_+Reconciliation.aspx</ref> |
#*On the other hand, if the other party is not open to setting things right, or if the nature of the pain is such that you can never trust the other person again, reconciliation might not seem like an option. | #*On the other hand, if the other party is not open to setting things right, or if the nature of the pain is such that you can never trust the other person again, reconciliation might not seem like an option. | ||
| − | #Forgive. Recognize that you alone can forgive. Completely letting go of anger means forgiving the person who has hurt you. However, forgiveness is not for everyone at all times.<ref>Pies, Ronald. "Who can forgive Jared Loughner?" Psychiatric Times Feb. 2011: 1. Academic OneFile. Web. 29 Jan. 2015. http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA250886694&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=e2830d054df4c511fee2486309cb1f1a</ref> Forced or feigned forgiveness is of little benefit to anyone, least of all yourself. It's important to thoroughly process your hurt, control your anger, and decide if/when forgiveness is right for you. | + | #Forgive. Recognize that you alone can forgive. Completely letting go of anger means forgiving the person who has hurt you. However, forgiveness is not for everyone at all times.<ref name="rf8">Pies, Ronald. "Who can forgive Jared Loughner?" Psychiatric Times Feb. 2011: 1. Academic OneFile. Web. 29 Jan. 2015. http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA250886694&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=e2830d054df4c511fee2486309cb1f1a</ref> Forced or feigned forgiveness is of little benefit to anyone, least of all yourself. It's important to thoroughly process your hurt, control your anger, and decide if/when forgiveness is right for you. |
#*Understand that forgiving someone may not prompt the other person to change her behavior. The purpose of forgiveness, in this sense, is to cleanse yourself of the anger and resentment building inside you. Forgiveness is for your own benefit and is an internal necessity, not an external one. | #*Understand that forgiving someone may not prompt the other person to change her behavior. The purpose of forgiveness, in this sense, is to cleanse yourself of the anger and resentment building inside you. Forgiveness is for your own benefit and is an internal necessity, not an external one. | ||
| − | #Take responsibility for your own actions. There can be a lot of blame during the anger stage.<ref>Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.1615043 </ref> It's important reflect on your own role in the situation and accept responsibility for whatever role you played. This doesn't mean that you can't acknowledge the poor treatment given to you by the other party. It simply means that if you did wrong, you should be honest about it, especially if you ever plan to reconcile. | + | #Take responsibility for your own actions. There can be a lot of blame during the anger stage.<ref name="rf9">Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.1615043 </ref> It's important reflect on your own role in the situation and accept responsibility for whatever role you played. This doesn't mean that you can't acknowledge the poor treatment given to you by the other party. It simply means that if you did wrong, you should be honest about it, especially if you ever plan to reconcile. |
#* Accepting responsibility can start with eliminating negative emotions. One way to do this is to make a list of the 3 to 5 strongest negative emotions you feel, and think about how to substitute the negative emotion for a good one. | #* Accepting responsibility can start with eliminating negative emotions. One way to do this is to make a list of the 3 to 5 strongest negative emotions you feel, and think about how to substitute the negative emotion for a good one. | ||
=== Processing Your Emotions === | === Processing Your Emotions === | ||
| − | #Look for the positive. Examine any ways that your pain has helped you to grow as an individual. Look for benefits or unexpected positives and cling to them to help you cope. If you can't look at the good brought about from a hurtful situation, then look at other positives in your life and other things you can be thankful for.<ref>http://itmanagersinbox.com/1894/5-ways-to-stay-positive-in-negative-situations/</ref> | + | #Look for the positive. Examine any ways that your pain has helped you to grow as an individual. Look for benefits or unexpected positives and cling to them to help you cope. If you can't look at the good brought about from a hurtful situation, then look at other positives in your life and other things you can be thankful for.<ref name="rf10">http://itmanagersinbox.com/1894/5-ways-to-stay-positive-in-negative-situations/</ref> |
#* Consider if your pain has put you onto a new path leading to good things that you may not have experienced had you missed that path completely. | #* Consider if your pain has put you onto a new path leading to good things that you may not have experienced had you missed that path completely. | ||
| − | #Leave a positive influence on the world. You can let your anger spill out and affect those around you, but then you would only be spreading it and making those negative feelings stronger. By consciously deciding to spread a positive influence to others, you can transform the way you handle social interactions in a way that leads to less anger.<ref>http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-phillips/leave-positive-footprints_b_5047596.html</ref> | + | #Leave a positive influence on the world. You can let your anger spill out and affect those around you, but then you would only be spreading it and making those negative feelings stronger. By consciously deciding to spread a positive influence to others, you can transform the way you handle social interactions in a way that leads to less anger.<ref name="rf11">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-phillips/leave-positive-footprints_b_5047596.html</ref> |
#* Surround yourself with positive people. Simply put, by exposing yourself to the optimism and positive thoughts expressed by other people, you introduce positive thinking back into your own life. As time progresses, you may even start to develop positive thoughts of your own to replace your anger. | #* Surround yourself with positive people. Simply put, by exposing yourself to the optimism and positive thoughts expressed by other people, you introduce positive thinking back into your own life. As time progresses, you may even start to develop positive thoughts of your own to replace your anger. | ||
#Write a letter or a journal. If you keep a diary or journal, write about your anger as often as necessary to help you release it. If you do not have a journal, you can write an angry letter to the person who triggered your anger to get the feelings off your chest. Do not actually send the letter, though. | #Write a letter or a journal. If you keep a diary or journal, write about your anger as often as necessary to help you release it. If you do not have a journal, you can write an angry letter to the person who triggered your anger to get the feelings off your chest. Do not actually send the letter, though. | ||
| − | #*Sending the letter is almost always a bad idea. It can easily be viewed as retaliation or be poorly received, which could escalate problems.<ref | + | #*Sending the letter is almost always a bad idea. It can easily be viewed as retaliation or be poorly received, which could escalate problems.<ref name="rf5" /> Even if you phrase it as politely as possible, the other party is likely to take it poorly, especially if she is suffering from low self-esteem or other personal pain. |
| − | #Exercise or take up a hobby. Exercise provides you with a positive physical release for your anger. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy. Take a walk in a scenic park, go for a refreshing swim, or shoot some hoops. The key is to take the energy you feel that could be channeled into anger and channel it into something more positive for yourself.<ref | + | #Exercise or take up a hobby. Exercise provides you with a positive physical release for your anger. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy. Take a walk in a scenic park, go for a refreshing swim, or shoot some hoops. The key is to take the energy you feel that could be channeled into anger and channel it into something more positive for yourself.<ref name="rf5" /> |
| − | #*If you are not a big fan of exercise, you can start small by taking more walks, channeling your energy into picking up a new hobby, or doing something nice for your friends or family.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/lib/leave-that-pillow-alone-better-ways-to-deal-with-anger/0002874</ref> | + | #*If you are not a big fan of exercise, you can start small by taking more walks, channeling your energy into picking up a new hobby, or doing something nice for your friends or family.<ref name="rf12">http://psychcentral.com/lib/leave-that-pillow-alone-better-ways-to-deal-with-anger/0002874</ref> |
#Turn to your faith or meditate. If you believe in God, pray for the strength and willingness to let go of your anger. When letting go of anger seems out of your ability to handle, petitioning for divine help can help soften your heart enough to let you release that anger for good. Whether you believe in any particular faith or not, meditation is a good way to stabilize your body, mind, and soul. There are many types of meditation you can try, so choose which is best for you and your needs. | #Turn to your faith or meditate. If you believe in God, pray for the strength and willingness to let go of your anger. When letting go of anger seems out of your ability to handle, petitioning for divine help can help soften your heart enough to let you release that anger for good. Whether you believe in any particular faith or not, meditation is a good way to stabilize your body, mind, and soul. There are many types of meditation you can try, so choose which is best for you and your needs. | ||
#*Consult with a religious leader at your center of worship or others who share your faith for support and guidance. Read from your faith's scriptural texts, or read spiritual books written on the matter of anger and forgiveness. | #*Consult with a religious leader at your center of worship or others who share your faith for support and guidance. Read from your faith's scriptural texts, or read spiritual books written on the matter of anger and forgiveness. | ||
