Difference between revisions of "Leave Someone for Good"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
=== Communicating Your Wishes === | === Communicating Your Wishes === | ||
| − | #Find a time when the two of you can talk privately without distraction. Allow plenty of time for this conversation. Don’t have it in the morning as you are rushing off to work, for example.<ref>http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/telling-someone-difficult-news-about-you</ref> | + | #Find a time when the two of you can talk privately without distraction. Allow plenty of time for this conversation. Don’t have it in the morning as you are rushing off to work, for example.<ref name="rf1">http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/telling-someone-difficult-news-about-you</ref> |
#*You could say to your significant other, “There’s something I need to talk to you about. Can you turn off the TV?” | #*You could say to your significant other, “There’s something I need to talk to you about. Can you turn off the TV?” | ||
#*You could also give your significant other a heads-up that you’d like to talk to them about something important at a later time. For example, you could text the person and say, “Do you have time tonight to talk? I think we need to talk about our relationship.” | #*You could also give your significant other a heads-up that you’d like to talk to them about something important at a later time. For example, you could text the person and say, “Do you have time tonight to talk? I think we need to talk about our relationship.” | ||
| − | #Inform your significant other of your decision. Unless you are in an abusive situation and need to leave immediately, it is best that you talk to your significant other about your decision to [[Break Up|break up]]. It will probably be a difficult and upsetting conversation, particularly if the other person does not agree with you. Talking to the person and making clear that you want to end the relationship, however, is the mature, responsible, and correct thing to do, even though it will not be fun.<ref>http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/9959655/How-to-break-up-with-someone.html</ref> | + | #Inform your significant other of your decision. Unless you are in an abusive situation and need to leave immediately, it is best that you talk to your significant other about your decision to [[Break Up|break up]]. It will probably be a difficult and upsetting conversation, particularly if the other person does not agree with you. Talking to the person and making clear that you want to end the relationship, however, is the mature, responsible, and correct thing to do, even though it will not be fun.<ref name="rf2">http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/9959655/How-to-break-up-with-someone.html</ref> |
#*It is best to have this conversation face-to-face. You could decide to write a letter and present it to your significant other, and have the person read it while you are present. | #*It is best to have this conversation face-to-face. You could decide to write a letter and present it to your significant other, and have the person read it while you are present. | ||
#*Be clear in your intent. You could say, “I want to end our relationship,” or “I need to break up with you.” Saying things like, “I don’t know if this will work out,” or “I’m having doubts about our relationship,” could leave the other person into believing there is a chance to get back together again. | #*Be clear in your intent. You could say, “I want to end our relationship,” or “I need to break up with you.” Saying things like, “I don’t know if this will work out,” or “I’m having doubts about our relationship,” could leave the other person into believing there is a chance to get back together again. | ||
| − | #Acknowledge you care for the other person. This person was an integral part of your life for some time. Acknowledge that you had happy times together, and that you value the person for the part they played in your life.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201104/15-ways-leave-your-lover-love</ref> | + | #Acknowledge you care for the other person. This person was an integral part of your life for some time. Acknowledge that you had happy times together, and that you value the person for the part they played in your life.<ref name="rf3">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201104/15-ways-leave-your-lover-love</ref> |
#*You could say, “I care about you a lot. You’ve been a part of my life for two years now, but I think we are growing apart.” | #*You could say, “I care about you a lot. You’ve been a part of my life for two years now, but I think we are growing apart.” | ||
#Back up your decision with facts. Cite examples of why things between the two of you have not been going well lately. You could talk about previous arguments, breakups, or differences in values. | #Back up your decision with facts. Cite examples of why things between the two of you have not been going well lately. You could talk about previous arguments, breakups, or differences in values. | ||
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#*Use “I language” to make your points. Describe your feelings instead of placing blame on the other person. For example, “You never want to have sex!” could become “I feel hurt that we haven’t had sex in so long.” | #*Use “I language” to make your points. Describe your feelings instead of placing blame on the other person. For example, “You never want to have sex!” could become “I feel hurt that we haven’t had sex in so long.” | ||
#Listen to your significant other’s concerns. They may be angry or upset, or they may agree that this is for the best. Allow your significant other to express their feelings. | #Listen to your significant other’s concerns. They may be angry or upset, or they may agree that this is for the best. Allow your significant other to express their feelings. | ||
| − | #*Do not continue the conversation if the person becomes verbally abusive toward you. If that happens, you could hold up your hand and say, “I am not talking to you when you call me names. I am leaving now. We’ll talk again when we can have a respectful conversation.” Leave the premises before the situation can escalate further.<ref>https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-repair-and-de-escalate/</ref> | + | #*Do not continue the conversation if the person becomes verbally abusive toward you. If that happens, you could hold up your hand and say, “I am not talking to you when you call me names. I am leaving now. We’ll talk again when we can have a respectful conversation.” Leave the premises before the situation can escalate further.<ref name="rf4">https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-repair-and-de-escalate/</ref> |
#*You could say, “I know you’re upset, and I know you wanted us to work this out. But it doesn’t seem to me to be working anymore, and I don’t want to try to fix it again.” | #*You could say, “I know you’re upset, and I know you wanted us to work this out. But it doesn’t seem to me to be working anymore, and I don’t want to try to fix it again.” | ||
#Stay firm. If your mind has been made up, don't allow the person to suck you into the same old arguments, guilt trips, or drama. Do not let the person try to persuade you to change your mind. | #Stay firm. If your mind has been made up, don't allow the person to suck you into the same old arguments, guilt trips, or drama. Do not let the person try to persuade you to change your mind. | ||
#*You could say, “I think we’ve been having this same disagreement for a while now, and we’re not getting anywhere. I’m done arguing about it, and I have made up my mind.” | #*You could say, “I think we’ve been having this same disagreement for a while now, and we’re not getting anywhere. I’m done arguing about it, and I have made up my mind.” | ||
#*You could say, “I know you want me to give you another chance, but I’ve already given you several chances. I don’t want to do this anymore.” | #*You could say, “I know you want me to give you another chance, but I’ve already given you several chances. I don’t want to do this anymore.” | ||
| − | #Cry if you need to. It’s okay to be sad about your relationship ending, even if you know it is for the best. Crying is a healthy expression of grief.<ref>http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grief-and-grieving-symptoms</ref> | + | #Cry if you need to. It’s okay to be sad about your relationship ending, even if you know it is for the best. Crying is a healthy expression of grief.<ref name="rf5">http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grief-and-grieving-symptoms</ref> |
#*You can even give your significant other a hug and cry with them if you feel comfortable doing so. Do not let the physical contact progress beyond a hug, to avoid sending mixed signals. | #*You can even give your significant other a hug and cry with them if you feel comfortable doing so. Do not let the physical contact progress beyond a hug, to avoid sending mixed signals. | ||
#Leave. Say your goodbyes and let your ex know that you will talk to them again in a few days (if necessary). Give yourselves a few days to grieve, calm down, and adjust to a new reality. | #Leave. Say your goodbyes and let your ex know that you will talk to them again in a few days (if necessary). Give yourselves a few days to grieve, calm down, and adjust to a new reality. | ||
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#*If you live together, arrange to spend the night somewhere else. Contact a nearby friend or family member, or stay at a hotel. If there is nowhere else you can stay, you could say, “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, and will find somewhere else to stay tomorrow.” | #*If you live together, arrange to spend the night somewhere else. Contact a nearby friend or family member, or stay at a hotel. If there is nowhere else you can stay, you could say, “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, and will find somewhere else to stay tomorrow.” | ||
#Get out quickly if necessary. If you are in an [[Leave an Abusive Relationship|abusive situation]], make plans to get to safety immediately. Do not stick around to see if the situation will improve or the person will stop. You have not done anything to deserve being treated that way, and you are worthy of better. | #Get out quickly if necessary. If you are in an [[Leave an Abusive Relationship|abusive situation]], make plans to get to safety immediately. Do not stick around to see if the situation will improve or the person will stop. You have not done anything to deserve being treated that way, and you are worthy of better. | ||
| − | #*If you need to leave quickly, take only the essentials, like money, important documents, medications, and a few changes of clothing. Remember, things can be replaced.<ref>http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13422&state_code=PG</ref> | + | #*If you need to leave quickly, take only the essentials, like money, important documents, medications, and a few changes of clothing. Remember, things can be replaced.<ref name="rf6">http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13422&state_code=PG</ref> |
#*Bring your children to a safe location with you. | #*Bring your children to a safe location with you. | ||
#*Have a safe place to stay, like a friend’s house where the abuser may not think to look for you, or a domestic violence shelter. | #*Have a safe place to stay, like a friend’s house where the abuser may not think to look for you, or a domestic violence shelter. | ||
#*Once you are away from your ex, consider contacting law enforcement about pressing charges against the person, and/or filing a protective order against them. | #*Once you are away from your ex, consider contacting law enforcement about pressing charges against the person, and/or filing a protective order against them. | ||
=== Establishing New Boundaries === | === Establishing New Boundaries === | ||
| − | #Get some distance. If you want to move on from this person for good, you may want to keep your distance from them for a while. Creating space between you and an ex helps establish a new boundary with each other and move forward in your separate lives.<ref | + | #Get some distance. If you want to move on from this person for good, you may want to keep your distance from them for a while. Creating space between you and an ex helps establish a new boundary with each other and move forward in your separate lives.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#*Consider avoiding some of the places you went together. You don’t want to run into them, and you don’t want to be nostalgic for your relationship, either. | #*Consider avoiding some of the places you went together. You don’t want to run into them, and you don’t want to be nostalgic for your relationship, either. | ||
#*Avoid “accidentally” bumping into them. For example, if you know your ex is a regular at a particular coffee shop almost every morning before work, don’t make an excuse to run into them there. | #*Avoid “accidentally” bumping into them. For example, if you know your ex is a regular at a particular coffee shop almost every morning before work, don’t make an excuse to run into them there. | ||
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#*You could say, “Right now I think we both need some space in order to figure ourselves out again, so let’s not contact each other for a while. You can email me in case there’s an emergency.” | #*You could say, “Right now I think we both need some space in order to figure ourselves out again, so let’s not contact each other for a while. You can email me in case there’s an emergency.” | ||
#*Do not drunk dial (or drunk text, or drunk email) your ex. You will only end up creating more drama for yourself. | #*Do not drunk dial (or drunk text, or drunk email) your ex. You will only end up creating more drama for yourself. | ||
| − | #*You may want to delete or hide your ex on your social media accounts so you will be less tempted to contact them.<ref | + | #*You may want to delete or hide your ex on your social media accounts so you will be less tempted to contact them.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Look elsewhere for emotional support. Your ex may have been an extremely important emotional support in your life. They may have been the first person you turned to when you had a bad day or were feeling down. Now that you are broken up, you will need to find other people to fill that role for you. Relying on your ex for emotional support may find you back in a relationship with them. You may be more willing to re-enter a relationship when you are feeling vulnerable.<ref>http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/02/tf.rules.friends.with.ex/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING</ref> | + | #Look elsewhere for emotional support. Your ex may have been an extremely important emotional support in your life. They may have been the first person you turned to when you had a bad day or were feeling down. Now that you are broken up, you will need to find other people to fill that role for you. Relying on your ex for emotional support may find you back in a relationship with them. You may be more willing to re-enter a relationship when you are feeling vulnerable.<ref name="rf7">http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/02/tf.rules.friends.with.ex/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING</ref> |
#*Think of people in your life who could be emotional supports for you. Who could help you on a bad day, and be there to listen? Consider friends, family members, coworkers, teachers, coaches, clergy, or roommates. | #*Think of people in your life who could be emotional supports for you. Who could help you on a bad day, and be there to listen? Consider friends, family members, coworkers, teachers, coaches, clergy, or roommates. | ||
#*It’s okay if you have more than one person to fill this role for you. Relying on one person to be your sole support can be stressful to your relationship. | #*It’s okay if you have more than one person to fill this role for you. Relying on one person to be your sole support can be stressful to your relationship. | ||
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#*Be cautious if your ex is [[End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship|manipulative, possessive, or controlling]]. Be aware that they may have the potential to harass or [[React if You Think Someone is Stalking You|stalk you]]. Ask your friends and loved ones to help take steps to ensure your safety. | #*Be cautious if your ex is [[End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship|manipulative, possessive, or controlling]]. Be aware that they may have the potential to harass or [[React if You Think Someone is Stalking You|stalk you]]. Ask your friends and loved ones to help take steps to ensure your safety. | ||
=== Moving on with Your Life === | === Moving on with Your Life === | ||
| − | #Research any legal steps you may need to take. If you are married or living together, there may be some extra hoops you need to jump through in order to separate from this person. Consider if any of these situations apply to you, and find out more about the next steps. In some situations, you may wish to consult an attorney.<ref | + | #Research any legal steps you may need to take. If you are married or living together, there may be some extra hoops you need to jump through in order to separate from this person. Consider if any of these situations apply to you, and find out more about the next steps. In some situations, you may wish to consult an attorney.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#*If you are married, you will need to [[File Divorce Papers Without an Attorney|file for divorce]]. | #*If you are married, you will need to [[File Divorce Papers Without an Attorney|file for divorce]]. | ||
#*If you have children with this person, you will need to [[Get Joint Custody|agree on a custody arrangement]]. | #*If you have children with this person, you will need to [[Get Joint Custody|agree on a custody arrangement]]. | ||
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#*Pack up your belongings. Have family or friends help you move, or hire movers. | #*Pack up your belongings. Have family or friends help you move, or hire movers. | ||
#*Divide up any shared property. | #*Divide up any shared property. | ||
| − | #Build a new support network. You may have lost mutual friends following your breakup. If you are divorcing, you may even be losing people you considered family. You may find yourself lacking in people you can trust to help you in a wide variety of ways, so you will want to make some new connections to help fill your support network gaps.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mixing-bowl/2015/12/how-to-establish-boundaries-after-divorce/</ref> | + | #Build a new support network. You may have lost mutual friends following your breakup. If you are divorcing, you may even be losing people you considered family. You may find yourself lacking in people you can trust to help you in a wide variety of ways, so you will want to make some new connections to help fill your support network gaps.<ref name="rf8">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mixing-bowl/2015/12/how-to-establish-boundaries-after-divorce/</ref> |
#*Think of the people you are still in touch with post-breakup and the roles they play in your life. Does your old roommate still make you laugh? They can be someone you can call on a bad day. Is your new neighbor a handyman? They might be someone who can help you figure out what kind of repairs you need to do in your new place. | #*Think of the people you are still in touch with post-breakup and the roles they play in your life. Does your old roommate still make you laugh? They can be someone you can call on a bad day. Is your new neighbor a handyman? They might be someone who can help you figure out what kind of repairs you need to do in your new place. | ||
#*Think of all the roles your ex filled, and figure out if there is someone in your life who can replace them. Your ex may have been your emotional support, your friend, your lover, your person to go to the movies with, or your exercise buddy. You may find a new movie buddy in your coworker, or you may decide to take a fitness class to be able to work out with other people. Get creative to connect with others! | #*Think of all the roles your ex filled, and figure out if there is someone in your life who can replace them. Your ex may have been your emotional support, your friend, your lover, your person to go to the movies with, or your exercise buddy. You may find a new movie buddy in your coworker, or you may decide to take a fitness class to be able to work out with other people. Get creative to connect with others! | ||
#*Understand that it takes time to make new friends and find people who can help you out. Be patient with yourself and the process. | #*Understand that it takes time to make new friends and find people who can help you out. Be patient with yourself and the process. | ||
| − | #Let yourself grieve. [[Get Over a Break Up|Getting over a breakup]] isn’t easy, even if it was time for the relationship to end. You may have physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping or loss of appetite, and emotional symptoms like sadness, anger, or anxiety. The best ways to move through grief are to let yourself experience the emotions without judgment and to talk to others about what you are feeling.<ref | + | #Let yourself grieve. [[Get Over a Break Up|Getting over a breakup]] isn’t easy, even if it was time for the relationship to end. You may have physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping or loss of appetite, and emotional symptoms like sadness, anger, or anxiety. The best ways to move through grief are to let yourself experience the emotions without judgment and to talk to others about what you are feeling.<ref name="rf5" /> |
#*Get rid of gifts, photographs, and any other relics of the relationship--or at least put them away out of sight -- at your own pace. There are no rules about when this needs to be done. | #*Get rid of gifts, photographs, and any other relics of the relationship--or at least put them away out of sight -- at your own pace. There are no rules about when this needs to be done. | ||
#*If you feel that you are struggling with your breakup, consider talking to a counselor about it. | #*If you feel that you are struggling with your breakup, consider talking to a counselor about it. | ||
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#*If you are struggling to come up with some ideas, make a list of things your ex never liked to do with you, then go do those things. They may be something as small as going to get ice cream, because your ex was lactose intolerant. | #*If you are struggling to come up with some ideas, make a list of things your ex never liked to do with you, then go do those things. They may be something as small as going to get ice cream, because your ex was lactose intolerant. | ||
#*Schedule dates with your friends and family. Take the initiative to plan fun activities with others. | #*Schedule dates with your friends and family. Take the initiative to plan fun activities with others. | ||
| − | #Get some perspective. When the pain of your separation has passed, take some time to reflect on the positives of your relationship. What lessons did your ex help you learn? What did you appreciate about this relationship?<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=3</ref> | + | #Get some perspective. When the pain of your separation has passed, take some time to reflect on the positives of your relationship. What lessons did your ex help you learn? What did you appreciate about this relationship?<ref name="rf9">http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=3</ref> |
#*You might wish to spend some time journaling about this, or spend some time alone with your thoughts. | #*You might wish to spend some time journaling about this, or spend some time alone with your thoughts. | ||
