Difference between revisions of "Know Whether You're Insensitive"
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Insensitivity can harm your ability to engage with others and can lead to social isolation and loneliness. As it's difficult to judge oneself objectively, it can be hard to gauge whether or not you're insensitive. However, paying close attention to your own emotional reactions and how others engage with you can help. You should also consider whether you may have certain psychiatric disorder than can affect your ability to empathize. | Insensitivity can harm your ability to engage with others and can lead to social isolation and loneliness. As it's difficult to judge oneself objectively, it can be hard to gauge whether or not you're insensitive. However, paying close attention to your own emotional reactions and how others engage with you can help. You should also consider whether you may have certain psychiatric disorder than can affect your ability to empathize. | ||
| − | [[Category:Maintaining Relationships]] | + | [[Category: Maintaining Relationships]] |
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
=== Evaluating Your Behavior === | === Evaluating Your Behavior === | ||
#Ask yourself, "Do I really care?'''"''' One of the main traits of insensitive people is a lack of empathy. While empathy exists in varying degrees, and some people are simply more sensitive than others, having very little empathy can make you come off as cold or uncaring. | #Ask yourself, "Do I really care?'''"''' One of the main traits of insensitive people is a lack of empathy. While empathy exists in varying degrees, and some people are simply more sensitive than others, having very little empathy can make you come off as cold or uncaring. | ||
| − | #*There are two types of empathy: cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy involves the ability to logically understand someone else's perspective by seeing things from their point of view. You may not have a strong emotional reaction to another person's perspective, but you will at least understand it to a degree. Emotional empathy involves being able to pick up on the emotions of others. If someone gets bad news, for example, you will feel sad.<ref>http://www.succeedsocially.com/empathy</ref> | + | #*There are two types of empathy: cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy involves the ability to logically understand someone else's perspective by seeing things from their point of view. You may not have a strong emotional reaction to another person's perspective, but you will at least understand it to a degree. Emotional empathy involves being able to pick up on the emotions of others. If someone gets bad news, for example, you will feel sad.<ref name="rf1">http://www.succeedsocially.com/empathy</ref> |
| − | #*Consider whether you possess either types of empathy. Do you try to understand another person's point of view when they're explaining something to you? Do you make a conscious effort to ask questions, understand information, and listen? When another person is sad or frustrated, do you experience the same emotions? Can you easily pick up on how a person is feeling? If a friend or co-worker looked upset, would you feel compelled to ask them what's wrong?<ref | + | #*Consider whether you possess either types of empathy. Do you try to understand another person's point of view when they're explaining something to you? Do you make a conscious effort to ask questions, understand information, and listen? When another person is sad or frustrated, do you experience the same emotions? Can you easily pick up on how a person is feeling? If a friend or co-worker looked upset, would you feel compelled to ask them what's wrong?<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*Oftentimes, insensitive people are simply not tuned in to the needs and emotions of others. Consider how often you actively try to understand the perspective of another person. If you spend the bulk of your time thinking about yourself, you may be insensitive. | #*Oftentimes, insensitive people are simply not tuned in to the needs and emotions of others. Consider how often you actively try to understand the perspective of another person. If you spend the bulk of your time thinking about yourself, you may be insensitive. | ||
#Monitor how people respond to you. People tend to be put off by insensitive people. You can often tell if you're insensitive by observing how others tend to respond to you. | #Monitor how people respond to you. People tend to be put off by insensitive people. You can often tell if you're insensitive by observing how others tend to respond to you. | ||
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#*Has anyone ever outright told you you're insensitive? While it might seem obvious, many people disregard such criticisms as the result of the hypersensitivity of others. However, if someone's made the point to call you out on your behavior, or if multiple people have, you may be insensitive. | #*Has anyone ever outright told you you're insensitive? While it might seem obvious, many people disregard such criticisms as the result of the hypersensitivity of others. However, if someone's made the point to call you out on your behavior, or if multiple people have, you may be insensitive. | ||
#Consider how you behave. Insensitive behaviors vary from person to person. However, certain identifiable behaviors are generally considered rude or crass. You may be an insensitive person if you've ever engaged in any of the following: | #Consider how you behave. Insensitive behaviors vary from person to person. However, certain identifiable behaviors are generally considered rude or crass. You may be an insensitive person if you've ever engaged in any of the following: | ||
| − | #*Talking about a topic that bores others or that others do not understand. For example, going on about the details of your PhD if you know others in the room have no understanding of the subject matter.<ref | + | #*Talking about a topic that bores others or that others do not understand. For example, going on about the details of your PhD if you know others in the room have no understanding of the subject matter.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Sharing opinions at inappropriate times, such as complaining loudly about the obesity epidemic in front of a co-worker you know is struggling with his weight.<ref | + | #*Sharing opinions at inappropriate times, such as complaining loudly about the obesity epidemic in front of a co-worker you know is struggling with his weight.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Bringing up topics inappropriate for the audience or group, such as telling stories of recreational drug use in front of your significant other's parents.<ref | + | #*Bringing up topics inappropriate for the audience or group, such as telling stories of recreational drug use in front of your significant other's parents.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Getting annoyed if someone does not understand a topic you're explaining.<ref | + | #*Getting annoyed if someone does not understand a topic you're explaining.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Passing judgments on others for their mistakes or circumstances without considering their background or personal struggles.<ref | + | #*Passing judgments on others for their mistakes or circumstances without considering their background or personal struggles.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Being rude and demanding to serving staff at restaurants.<ref | + | #*Being rude and demanding to serving staff at restaurants.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Being too blunt or critical of others. For example, if you dislike an item of clothing on someone you might say, "You look fat in that" rather than avoiding commenting altogether or offering more tactful advice, like, "I think a different color would flatter your features more."<ref | + | #*Being too blunt or critical of others. For example, if you dislike an item of clothing on someone you might say, "You look fat in that" rather than avoiding commenting altogether or offering more tactful advice, like, "I think a different color would flatter your features more."<ref name="rf1" /> |
===Learning Self-Awareness and Empathy=== | ===Learning Self-Awareness and Empathy=== | ||
| − | #Practice reading other people's emotions. You may struggle to identify the physical cues that are signs of different emotions, but all humans are born with this ability. Just like any other skill, if you take the time to practice reading people's emotions, you will get better at it.<ref | + | #Practice reading other people's emotions. You may struggle to identify the physical cues that are signs of different emotions, but all humans are born with this ability. Just like any other skill, if you take the time to practice reading people's emotions, you will get better at it.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Observe people in a crowded place (like a mall, nightclub, or park) and try to identify how they are feeling. Try using context, body language, and expressions to figure out who is feeling shy, stressed, excited, and so on.<ref | + | #*Observe people in a crowded place (like a mall, nightclub, or park) and try to identify how they are feeling. Try using context, body language, and expressions to figure out who is feeling shy, stressed, excited, and so on.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Read up on body language, especially facial expressions, and how it corresponds to different emotions. Sadness, for instance, is characterized by drooping eyelids, a slight pulling down of the lip corners, and a raised inner brow.<ref>http://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/learn-the-secret-into-decoding-people-s-emotions.html</ref> | + | #*Read up on body language, especially facial expressions, and how it corresponds to different emotions. Sadness, for instance, is characterized by drooping eyelids, a slight pulling down of the lip corners, and a raised inner brow.<ref name="rf2">http://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/learn-the-secret-into-decoding-people-s-emotions.html</ref> |
| − | #*Put on a soap opera and try to identify the emotions the actors are portraying. Use context clues, facial expressions, and body language. Mute the television so you can't get clues from the dialogue. Once you feel you've got it down, move on to more subtle dramas in which the actors use nuanced expressions to convey emotion.<ref | + | #*Put on a soap opera and try to identify the emotions the actors are portraying. Use context clues, facial expressions, and body language. Mute the television so you can't get clues from the dialogue. Once you feel you've got it down, move on to more subtle dramas in which the actors use nuanced expressions to convey emotion.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #Learn to show concern. You may come off as insensitive because showing emotion makes you feel uncomfortable an awkward. Instead of saying something that might sound stilted or insincere when you see someone is upset, you remain quiet. Accept that it might sound forced when you offer condolences to your friend, "I'm so sorry to hear that...", but know that it will become more natural if you push through and keep trying.<ref | + | #Learn to show concern. You may come off as insensitive because showing emotion makes you feel uncomfortable an awkward. Instead of saying something that might sound stilted or insincere when you see someone is upset, you remain quiet. Accept that it might sound forced when you offer condolences to your friend, "I'm so sorry to hear that...", but know that it will become more natural if you push through and keep trying.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #Understand the necessity of emotions. To you, sadness may seem pointless, illogical, and self-indulgent. You may wonder why the person doesn't just think through the issue and figure out how to make it better. But emotions are an essential part of decision making, as is logic. Emotions can motivate you to change your life, as emotional discomfort is often an impetus to get out of a rut.<ref | + | #Understand the necessity of emotions. To you, sadness may seem pointless, illogical, and self-indulgent. You may wonder why the person doesn't just think through the issue and figure out how to make it better. But emotions are an essential part of decision making, as is logic. Emotions can motivate you to change your life, as emotional discomfort is often an impetus to get out of a rut.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Emotions are essential to making connections and healthy, successful social interactions.<ref | + | #*Emotions are essential to making connections and healthy, successful social interactions.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Remember that emotions are simply part of being human. Even if you don't understand them or think they're pointless, be aware that most people don't feel that way.<ref | + | #*Remember that emotions are simply part of being human. Even if you don't understand them or think they're pointless, be aware that most people don't feel that way.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Sometimes it's okay to fake it. You may not understand why someone is upset or overjoyed, but playing along a little bit is sometimes the most sensitive thing you can do. You may not personally feel any joy that your coworker is going to be an aunt, but it shouldn't cost you much to congratulate her and smile.<ref | + | #*Sometimes it's okay to fake it. You may not understand why someone is upset or overjoyed, but playing along a little bit is sometimes the most sensitive thing you can do. You may not personally feel any joy that your coworker is going to be an aunt, but it shouldn't cost you much to congratulate her and smile.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #Become aware of your own emotions. Feelings may cause you discomfort or confusion, or you may have been taught to hide and suppress your emotions, or maybe you only listen to the logical side of your brain. For whatever reason, you may have cut yourself off from your own feelings, which can make it difficult to feel empathy.<ref | + | #Become aware of your own emotions. Feelings may cause you discomfort or confusion, or you may have been taught to hide and suppress your emotions, or maybe you only listen to the logical side of your brain. For whatever reason, you may have cut yourself off from your own feelings, which can make it difficult to feel empathy.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*If you are suppressing your emotions to cope with trauma or you are prone to anxiety attacks, you may need a counselor or therapist to help you work through those feelings.<ref | + | #*If you are suppressing your emotions to cope with trauma or you are prone to anxiety attacks, you may need a counselor or therapist to help you work through those feelings.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Begin asking yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" throughout the day. Stopping and checking in with yourself can help you begin to identify feelings as they come up.<ref | + | #*Begin asking yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" throughout the day. Stopping and checking in with yourself can help you begin to identify feelings as they come up.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Identify any devices you use to avoid your emotions, such as: distracting yourself with video games or watching television, focusing only on work, drinking or using other substances, over-intellectualizing the situation, or making jokes about it.<ref | + | #*Identify any devices you use to avoid your emotions, such as: distracting yourself with video games or watching television, focusing only on work, drinking or using other substances, over-intellectualizing the situation, or making jokes about it.<ref name="rf1" /> |
| − | #*Allow yourself to feel the emotion. When you're in a safe, private place, don't suppress your feelings. Allow the emotion to come and try to observe how your body reacts. Making note of these physical changes (like that your eyebrows furrow and your lips narrow when you feel angry) can help you identify the emotions when the reoccur – both in yourself and in other people.<ref | + | #*Allow yourself to feel the emotion. When you're in a safe, private place, don't suppress your feelings. Allow the emotion to come and try to observe how your body reacts. Making note of these physical changes (like that your eyebrows furrow and your lips narrow when you feel angry) can help you identify the emotions when the reoccur – both in yourself and in other people.<ref name="rf1" /> |
=== Considering Psychological Causes === | === Considering Psychological Causes === | ||
| − | #Learn the symptoms of narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder is a psychiatric disorder in which people have an unrealistic sense of self importance and tend to lack empathy. Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare with prevalence ranging from 0% to 6.2% in community samples.<ref>American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Publishing: Washington, D.C.</ref> Of those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, 50-75% are male.<ref | + | #Learn the symptoms of narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder is a psychiatric disorder in which people have an unrealistic sense of self importance and tend to lack empathy. Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare with prevalence ranging from 0% to 6.2% in community samples.<ref name="rf3">American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Publishing: Washington, D.C.</ref> Of those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, 50-75% are male.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #*The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a large sense of self importance, the need for recognition or admiration, the need to exaggerate achievements or talents, being envious of others or believing others envy you, and expecting special favors from those around you. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to think of the world solely in terms of themselves and their own needs.<ref>http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568</ref> | + | #*The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a large sense of self importance, the need for recognition or admiration, the need to exaggerate achievements or talents, being envious of others or believing others envy you, and expecting special favors from those around you. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to think of the world solely in terms of themselves and their own needs.<ref name="rf4">http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568</ref> |
| − | #*Basic criticism or setbacks can cause major episodes of depression in those suffering narcissistic personality disorder. This is, in fact, often what first prompts those suffering from the disorder to seek help. However, you do not have to wait that long. If you're worried you may show symptoms of narcissism, make an appointment with a therapist.<ref | + | #*Basic criticism or setbacks can cause major episodes of depression in those suffering narcissistic personality disorder. This is, in fact, often what first prompts those suffering from the disorder to seek help. However, you do not have to wait that long. If you're worried you may show symptoms of narcissism, make an appointment with a therapist.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#[[Recognize Autism Symptoms in Yourself|Consider autism]], including Asperger Syndrome. Autistic people often have difficulty understanding social cues and figuring out how to respond. They tend to be straightforward and honest, which can accidentally come off as insensitive. | #[[Recognize Autism Symptoms in Yourself|Consider autism]], including Asperger Syndrome. Autistic people often have difficulty understanding social cues and figuring out how to respond. They tend to be straightforward and honest, which can accidentally come off as insensitive. | ||
| − | #*You may be autistic if you care deeply about others' feelings, and hate to see them get upset, but are called insensitive. The "insensitivity" in many autistic people is called by cluelessness, overwhelm, and misunderstanding, not by lack of caring.<ref>https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/01/17/the-empathy-conundrum/</ref><ref>https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/</ref> | + | #*You may be autistic if you care deeply about others' feelings, and hate to see them get upset, but are called insensitive. The "insensitivity" in many autistic people is called by cluelessness, overwhelm, and misunderstanding, not by lack of caring.<ref name="rf5">https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/01/17/the-empathy-conundrum/</ref><ref name="rf6">https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/</ref> |
| − | #*Other autism symptoms include strong emotions, stimming (unusual fidgeting), dislike of eye contact, sluggishness, passionate special interests, need for routine,<ref>https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001549.htm</ref> and general clumsiness..<ref | + | #*Other autism symptoms include strong emotions, stimming (unusual fidgeting), dislike of eye contact, sluggishness, passionate special interests, need for routine,<ref name="rf7">https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001549.htm</ref> and general clumsiness..<ref name="rf7" /> |
| − | #*While autism is often identified in childhood, it is possible for symptoms to be looked over or hidden, and some people are not diagnosed until teen or adult years. Talk to a therapist if you think you have symptoms of autism.<ref | + | #*While autism is often identified in childhood, it is possible for symptoms to be looked over or hidden, and some people are not diagnosed until teen or adult years. Talk to a therapist if you think you have symptoms of autism.<ref name="rf7" /> |
| − | #Read about various personality disorders. Many personality disorders cause insensitivity to others. Personality disorders are a group of mental illnesses that cause long-term behavioral and thinking patterns that are unhealthy. While nearly all personality disorders can cause some degree of insensitivity, the following are most often associated with a lack of empathy:<ref>https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html</ref> | + | #Read about various personality disorders. Many personality disorders cause insensitivity to others. Personality disorders are a group of mental illnesses that cause long-term behavioral and thinking patterns that are unhealthy. While nearly all personality disorders can cause some degree of insensitivity, the following are most often associated with a lack of empathy:<ref name="rf8">https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html</ref> |
| − | #*Antisocial personality disorder, which involves an inability to distinguish right from wrong, hostility, aggression, violence, a lack of longterm relationships, unnecessary risk taking behavior, and a sense of superiority.<ref>http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/definition/CON-20027920?p=1</ref> | + | #*Antisocial personality disorder, which involves an inability to distinguish right from wrong, hostility, aggression, violence, a lack of longterm relationships, unnecessary risk taking behavior, and a sense of superiority.<ref name="rf9">http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/definition/CON-20027920?p=1</ref> |
| − | #*Borderline personality disorder, which involves difficulty regulating emotions or thoughts, frequently engaging in impulsive and reckless behaviors, and an inability to maintain stable relationships longterm.<ref>http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml</ref> | + | #*Borderline personality disorder, which involves difficulty regulating emotions or thoughts, frequently engaging in impulsive and reckless behaviors, and an inability to maintain stable relationships longterm.<ref name="rf10">http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml</ref> |
| − | #*Schizoid and schizotypal personality disorders are defined by a lack of social relations, delusional thought patterns, and excessive social anxiety.<ref | + | #*Schizoid and schizotypal personality disorders are defined by a lack of social relations, delusional thought patterns, and excessive social anxiety.<ref name="rf10" /> |
#See a therapist, if necessary. If you feel you may be suffering from any of the above disorders, talk over your concerns with a professional therapist or psychiatrist. While many online questionnaires can tell you if you display symptoms of certain disorders, only a professional can diagnose your properly. You can find a therapist by going through your insurance to see what clinics and doctors are covered under you plan. You can also ask for a referral from your regular physician. If you're a college student, your school might provide free counseling. | #See a therapist, if necessary. If you feel you may be suffering from any of the above disorders, talk over your concerns with a professional therapist or psychiatrist. While many online questionnaires can tell you if you display symptoms of certain disorders, only a professional can diagnose your properly. You can find a therapist by going through your insurance to see what clinics and doctors are covered under you plan. You can also ask for a referral from your regular physician. If you're a college student, your school might provide free counseling. | ||
