Trust Your Boyfriend

Trust is a key element in developing a strong and lasting relationship with your boyfriend. While it’s natural to worry about trust in your relationship, these concerns—if misplaced—can have damaging effects. To prevent this from happening, learn about how to trust your boyfriend, how to rebuild trust after a betrayal, and how to cope with trust issues.

Steps

Coping with Trust Issues

1. Evaluate why you don't think you can trust your boyfriend. Before you make any drastic decisions about your relationship, it’s important to evaluate why you are having a hard time trusting your boyfriend. If you plan to talk to him about your worries, you’re going to need to be able to identify why you are feeling this way.
   • Is there something he has done that raised your doubts? Do you feel like he is avoiding you? Did someone else make a comment or indicate he was not trustworthy?
   • Do you have evidence to support your concerns?
2. Don’t jump to conclusions. Although it might depend on the reason that you don’t trust him, it’s best not to jump to conclusions that could jeopardize your relationship. Instead of reacting to your suspicions, try to think calmly and rationally about the situation.
   • Is there another explanation for your boyfriend’s behavior or your concerns? You want to make sure you get the story and your facts straight.
   • Has this occurred in your relationship in the past? What was the end result?
   • If you have a good friend who usually helps you think things through, ask them for their input.
3. Reflect on your past relationships. Before your make any assumptions about whether your boyfriend is untrustworthy, think about your past relationships. If you’ve been cheated on or betrayed in the past, it’s not uncommon to worry about whether or not you can trust your current boyfriend.
   • If you think these past relationship issues might be influencing your ability to trust your boyfriend, make sure he’s aware of where you’re coming from. He will be better able to empathize with your situation, and you can both agree on how to interact with each other more effectively in the future.
   • If he’s not willing to be patient with your trust challenges or at least try and understand, then he might not deserve your trust.
   • If you're stuck in an emotional situation where you don't feel that you're able to move past previous trust issues, this might be a good time to speak with a therapist or counselor in order to move forward with your current or future relationships.
4. Talk with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Although it might seem difficult, the best way to deal with a lack of trust is to address what’s worrying you. Without being argumentative, accusatory, or negative, talk with your boyfriend about your feelings and your perceptions of his behavior.
   • Psychologists often recommend that you start a conversation with an "I feel" statement rather than a "You" statement. For example, instead of accusing your boyfriend of betraying your trust, you can say "I am feeling hurt" or "My concern is that we don't have the same expectations in this relationship." Focusing on your feelings instead of his actions, at least initially, makes the discussion seem less confrontational. As a result, your boyfriend will probably be more willing to participate in the conversation.
   • Think about how you might feel if someone accused you of being untrustworthy, and do your best to be calm and listen carefully to what he has to say.
5. Make sure you hold yourself to the same standard. If you want to be able to trust your boyfriend, it is only fair that he be able to trust you. Hold yourself to the same standard, and do your best to be open, honest, and trustworthy.
   • For example, If you don’t want your boyfriend to text other girls, don’t text other guys.
   • Similarly, it’s not fair to be upset if he doesn’t call you if you don’t keep your promises.
6. Make an effort to strengthen your relationship with your boyfriend. Feeling closer to your boyfriend will help you overcome trust issues in your relationship, so take the time to engage in meaningful conversation and activities with your boyfriend.
   • Plan activities where you have the opportunity to talk with each other and work together. For example, take a cooking class or work on an art project together. Participate in a sports activity, but make sure you’re on the same team. The teamwork will strengthen your relationship, help you feel closer, and help you improve your communication skills.
7. Recognize signs of more serious trust issues. While it’s normal to worry about whether or not you can trust your boyfriend or whether you trust him too much, sometimes our trust issues can become overwhelming and make it difficult to have a meaningful, lasting relationship. If you are worried about whether or not you might have more serious trust issues, it can help to recognize some of the warning signs and ask yourself these questions:
   • Does your mistrust interfere with your relationships?
   • Do you find it difficult to have friends or be intimate with people as a result of a lack of trust?
   • Have your past relationships been intense, dramatic, or even violent?
   • Do you worry that everyone around you is dishonest and deceitful even though you don’t have evidence this is the case?
8. Consider where else these trust issues may come from. If you are having a hard time pinpointing a reason why you don’t trust your boyfriend, you might want to consider where else these trust issues might be coming from. Trust issues often emerge as a result of experiences and interactions early in life. Here are a few common reasons that you might be having a hard time trusting your boyfriend or other people in your life:
   • People who have been mistreated, suffered emotional or physical abuse, or dealt with rejection in their life may find it hard to trust others.
   • If you have low self-esteem or feel you are not worthy of love and affection, you might struggle with trust in your relationships.
   • Traumatic events such as the death of a loved one, an illness, or a betrayal in a relationship can affect your ability to trust.
   • Certain types of mental illnesses can also increase anxiety, cause delusions, or generate feelings of paranoia that make trusting others challenging.
9. Work with a licensed mental health professional. If you are struggling to trust your boyfriend or feel you might be experiencing more significant trust issues, work with a licensed mental-health professional. They will help you explore your concerns, and can also provide support and treatment.

Learning How to Trust

1. Remember that both people in the relationship need to be able to trust each other. Trust is something that is shared between two people, and it will be much easier to trust your boyfriend if you also act in a trustworthy manner.
   • If you expect trust in a relationship, the other person should have the same expectations of you. You want to lead by example. So, if you worry that your boyfriend will flirt with other women, make sure you don't flirt with other men.
   • One way to develop trust in your relationship is for both you and your boyfriend to be reliable and follow through with what you say you will do. This will teach you both that you can depend on each other. For example, if you make an agreement to do something together or help with something, make sure you do it.
2. Make a commitment to trusting someone. Although it might sound too simple, making a commitment to trust your boyfriend will help you act accordingly. If you both agree to this, you’ve helped set expectations for your relationship.
3. Think about your boyfriend’s feelings. An important part of learning to trust your boyfriend is thinking about how they feel and being sensitive to their emotions. If you expect your boyfriend to do this for you, then you also need to make this a priority in your relationship.
   • An important part of this step is listening and respecting what your boyfriend thinks and feels.
   • Even if you disagree with something they say, don't dismiss their feelings or act in a way that is disrespectful.
4. Talk with each other face-to-face. Building trust requires face-to-face interaction and communication. While you might sometimes need to communicate on the phone, via text, or in emails with your boyfriend, make sure you spend time talking with each other face-to-face.
   • This will help you bond with each other and increase the sense of security in your relationship.
   • It’s much easier to trust someone when you can look them in the eye and feel confident they are telling you the truth.
5. Make an agreement not to gossip about your relationship. Gossiping about your relationship and sharing intimate details about it with other people can erode trust. If you both make a pact not to violate this understanding, you will find it easier to trust in other ways.
   • If there’s something that you would prefer not be shared, make it clear to your boyfriend so he is aware of your expectations and wishes. At the same time, when he shares something personal with you, reassure him that you will keep his confidences.
6. Agree to admit mistakes and apologize. Mistakes are inevitable in a relationship, and if both you and your boyfriend can acknowledge you made a mistake and sincerely apologize, you will both learn to trust each other and be more secure in your relationship.
   • Many arguments can be solved more easily if both parties are willing to acknowledge that they might have done something or said something that was hurtful or inappropriate.
7. Learn to forgive. Holding on to something that hurt your feelings or caused you pain will impede your ability to trust your boyfriend. If you’ve talked it through and he’s offered a sincere apology, then you need to try and let it go.
   • Bringing up the past or injured feelings each time you have an argument makes it difficult to trust each other and communicate honestly. If your boyfriend feels like you react this way to every situation, he might not want to be honest with your or communicate openly.
8. Make time for yourself. Spending time with your boyfriend is an important way to build trust, but you also need to make time for yourself and your family and friends. Time away from your boyfriend will help you trust your own instincts and can even provide new insights into your relationship.
   • If you have concerns about whether your trust is misplaced, talk with close friends or family about your worries. This might help you analyze your feelings and gain new perspective on whether your trust is deserved or misplaced.
9. Keep working at it. Trust is not something that emerges overnight. Instead it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and commitment.
   • Depending on the nature of your relationship and the struggles life throws at you, expect to have doubts about whether or not you should trust your boyfriend. He will also likely experience similar doubts at one point or another. This is natural, but how you handle these doubts and concerns will determine how strong your relationship is.

Rebuilding Trust after Betrayal

1. Talk with your boyfriend about the loss of trust. Regardless of what caused your loss of trust or the feeling of betrayal, your relationship won’t be able to move forward unless you and your boyfriend can communicate with each other about what occurred to cause a lack of trust and discuss how you are both feeling.
   • Make sure you have this conversation face-to-face. Trying to communicate openly and honestly is hard to do over the phone, via email, or through text messages because you can’t look into someone’s eyes and gauge their behavior and expressions.
   • Try to be as honest as possible when you discuss these difficult topics. While it might initially be less painful to avoid analyzing or reliving a painful event, chances are good that the unpleasant questions about what happened will re-emerge if you don’t confront them head on.
   • As calmly as you can, explain what your boyfriend did to make you feel like he betrayed your trust. Instead of making this an accusation, explain that this is something you are feeling or thinking. Open the conversation with phrases such as "I am worried about. . ." or "I am concerned that. . ." The situation might not be what you think it is, and you don't want to potentially damage your relationship. Even if your trust has been violated, accusing your boyfriend will probably make him defensive and angry, making the conversation even more unpleasant.
   • If you feel like this conversation is too difficult to have without help, set up an appointment with a counselor or therapist who can facilitate the discussion.
2. Look for opportunities in this difficult situation. While no one wants to deal with a betrayal or loss of trust, think about the opportunities that emerge from this situation. Consider this a chance to strengthen, solidify, or rebuild your relationship and address underlying problems.
   • Viewing your situation in this way can help you cope with the betrayal and learn to trust your boyfriend again.
3. Establish new guidelines for your relationship. If you've lost trust in your boyfriend as a result of a betrayal, you need to establish or negotiate new guidelines for your relationship because it’s changed and you don't want to repeat the same mistakes. Setting new terms will help make sure you are both on the same page and have the same expectations.
   • Think about stressors that might have led to the feeling of betrayal or mistrust. For example, if you lost trust in your partner over an issue with money, agree on how you both will spend money in the future. Set specific guidelines and commit to following them.
   • If you never set any guidelines or rules in your relationship, this is an excellent time to start and will make sure you have the same expectations and agree on what is appropriate behavior and what is not.
4. Be sensitive and empathetic. Regardless of who experienced a loss of trust in the relationship, you need to both be sensitive and empathetic toward each other’s feelings and concerns. This will help get your relationship back on track and improve your ability to communicate with one another.
   • No one wants to continue talking with someone who can’t be sensitive to their emotions or try to understand how their significant other feels.
5. Learn to trust your instincts and intuition. To rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to learn to trust your own instincts, which can be difficult after a betrayal. The more you trust your own ability to tell if someone is being honest and open, the more confident you can be placing trust in your boyfriend again.
   • To make you more aware of what your instincts are telling you, experts suggest paying attention what your body is telling you. Do you feel a prickling sensation on your skin or a sense of physical discomfort? If so, your instincts might be telling you to be wary.
   • Research suggests you should also pay attention to your initial reactions or first response to a situation. This doesn't mean you should fly off the handle without evidence, but consider what your inner voice might be telling you before you dismiss it.
6. Don’t let fear control your relationship. The fear of betrayal can seriously hinder your ability to trust your boyfriend and move forward with your relationship. Avoid letting your fears control your relationship and prevent you from being happy.
   • Think critically about where your fears seem to come from. Are they based in truth or do they suggest your lack of confidence in the relationship?
   • Talk with your boyfriend about what you could both do to prevent these fears from gaining ground. Is there a simple way to reassure yourself or for your boyfriend to reassure you that these fears are not grounded in truth?
   • The more confidence you have in your instincts, the better able you will be to manage and handle your fears.
7. Seek help. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is challenging, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about asking for help. A couples therapist, marriage counselor, or other licensed mental-health professional can help you and your boyfriend rebuild trust after a betrayal and move forward with your relationship.
   • They are trained to deal with these situations, and having someone to mediate communication can help you and your boyfriend re-establish trust in your relationship.

Tips

• If your boyfriend repeatedly violates your trust, he might not be worthy of your trust.
• If you expect your boyfriend to be trustworthy, you should also hold yourself to the same standard.
• If you are having a hard time trusting your boyfriend or communicating about trust issues, set up an appointment with a counselor or therapist. They can help you explore your concerns, and facilitate trust building in a relationship.

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Sources and Citations

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