Difference between revisions of "Hate a Person You Loved a Lot"
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=== Working Through Your Feelings === | === Working Through Your Feelings === | ||
| − | #Know that you have control over your feelings. Studies have shown that we have a better chance of regulating our feelings when we view them scientifically, as controllable (albeit perhaps unexpected) points of data in the experiment of life.<ref>http://www.medicaldaily.com/how-get-over-someone-scientist-reflect-detach-and-heal-316502</ref> | + | #Know that you have control over your feelings. Studies have shown that we have a better chance of regulating our feelings when we view them scientifically, as controllable (albeit perhaps unexpected) points of data in the experiment of life.<ref name="rf1">http://www.medicaldaily.com/how-get-over-someone-scientist-reflect-detach-and-heal-316502</ref> |
#*If you received unexpected results in an experiment, you’d examine the experiment, see where it deviated, and look at the results in light of the deviation. You’d then come up with a plan for your next steps. It may feel sociopathic, but it really can help to approach your broken heart in this way. | #*If you received unexpected results in an experiment, you’d examine the experiment, see where it deviated, and look at the results in light of the deviation. You’d then come up with a plan for your next steps. It may feel sociopathic, but it really can help to approach your broken heart in this way. | ||
#*It may not feel as though you have control over your feelings right now, but with some persistence, you can train your brain to respond in a controlled manner — for example, to view things calmly and objectively instead of taking them personally. | #*It may not feel as though you have control over your feelings right now, but with some persistence, you can train your brain to respond in a controlled manner — for example, to view things calmly and objectively instead of taking them personally. | ||
#Accept your feelings. Losing someone you love can throw you through a tornado of emotions: shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, fear — even relief and happiness. You might even feel some of these at the same time. | #Accept your feelings. Losing someone you love can throw you through a tornado of emotions: shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, fear — even relief and happiness. You might even feel some of these at the same time. | ||
#*Instead of fighting your feelings, try to accept them and allow them to just be. It can help to take a step back and try to observe your emotions, detach yourself from them. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is totally natural. | #*Instead of fighting your feelings, try to accept them and allow them to just be. It can help to take a step back and try to observe your emotions, detach yourself from them. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is totally natural. | ||
| − | #*You might say to yourself, “I’m grieving the loss of this relationship, and these are the feelings involved with that.”<ref | + | #*You might say to yourself, “I’m grieving the loss of this relationship, and these are the feelings involved with that.”<ref name="rf1" /> |
#Record your feelings. You can do this by writing them down or even recording yourself speaking about them. The important thing is not to keep your feelings bottled up inside, as this can make it more difficult to move on. | #Record your feelings. You can do this by writing them down or even recording yourself speaking about them. The important thing is not to keep your feelings bottled up inside, as this can make it more difficult to move on. | ||
#*Some experts recommend journalling every day. This can help you get in touch with your feelings and even figure out how to get over them. | #*Some experts recommend journalling every day. This can help you get in touch with your feelings and even figure out how to get over them. | ||
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#*In addition to the things you didn’t like about them and the relationship, think about whether the person brought out things in you that you didn’t like — for example, “When I was with you, I was flakey to my friends and always ditched them for you. I also didn’t pursue my own hobbies any more, and felt like I was just becoming a version of you.” | #*In addition to the things you didn’t like about them and the relationship, think about whether the person brought out things in you that you didn’t like — for example, “When I was with you, I was flakey to my friends and always ditched them for you. I also didn’t pursue my own hobbies any more, and felt like I was just becoming a version of you.” | ||
#*It can be helpful to make a list of all the bad things in the relationship; just make sure that you keep it in a safe space or destroy it. Don’t show it to anyone else — especially not the person you’re trying to get over. It’ll only cause drama and make it harder for you to move on. | #*It can be helpful to make a list of all the bad things in the relationship; just make sure that you keep it in a safe space or destroy it. Don’t show it to anyone else — especially not the person you’re trying to get over. It’ll only cause drama and make it harder for you to move on. | ||
| − | #Don’t hate the person. When someone does something hurtful to someone else, it often comes from a place of hurt within that person. That’s why it’s important to see them with compassion.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201109/the-power-forgiveness-why-revenge-doesnt-work</ref> | + | #Don’t hate the person. When someone does something hurtful to someone else, it often comes from a place of hurt within that person. That’s why it’s important to see them with compassion.<ref name="rf2">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201109/the-power-forgiveness-why-revenge-doesnt-work</ref> |
#* Instead of feeling hateful and angry toward them, try to feel sorry for them. They might be dealing with something on a conscious or even unconscious level that you know nothing about. | #* Instead of feeling hateful and angry toward them, try to feel sorry for them. They might be dealing with something on a conscious or even unconscious level that you know nothing about. | ||
| − | #Talk about your feelings with people you trust. Studies have shown that people recover faster from trauma if they can talk about it.<ref>http://news.stanford.edu/pr/94/940829Arc4145.html</ref> Whether it’s your friends and family, or people you’re close with online, reach out to people who you know will take your feelings seriously and help console you. | + | #Talk about your feelings with people you trust. Studies have shown that people recover faster from trauma if they can talk about it.<ref name="rf3">http://news.stanford.edu/pr/94/940829Arc4145.html</ref> Whether it’s your friends and family, or people you’re close with online, reach out to people who you know will take your feelings seriously and help console you. |
#*Don’t talk to people who will be dismissive of your feelings, as they will only make you feel worse. | #*Don’t talk to people who will be dismissive of your feelings, as they will only make you feel worse. | ||
#*If you’re really struggling with your feelings, you might even consider seeing a counsellor. A good counsellor will be able to give you practical advice for moving on. | #*If you’re really struggling with your feelings, you might even consider seeing a counsellor. A good counsellor will be able to give you practical advice for moving on. | ||
#*While it’s healthy to talk about your feelings, you need to make sure that it’s not all you talk about, otherwise you’ll risk alienating the people closest to you. If you’re worried you may be talking about it too much, ask the person you’re talking to how they’re feeling. A good friend will let you know what’s up without getting upset at you. | #*While it’s healthy to talk about your feelings, you need to make sure that it’s not all you talk about, otherwise you’ll risk alienating the people closest to you. If you’re worried you may be talking about it too much, ask the person you’re talking to how they’re feeling. A good friend will let you know what’s up without getting upset at you. | ||
| − | #Don’t dwell. Studies have shown that while it is necessary to let your feelings out, if you dwell excessively on them, you may suffer the same negative consequences as you would if you kept your feelings bottled up.<ref | + | #Don’t dwell. Studies have shown that while it is necessary to let your feelings out, if you dwell excessively on them, you may suffer the same negative consequences as you would if you kept your feelings bottled up.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #*Studies have shown that focusing on yourself and not taking action to get out of your own head and lift your mood can land you in long-term depression.<ref | + | #*Studies have shown that focusing on yourself and not taking action to get out of your own head and lift your mood can land you in long-term depression.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#Be patient with yourself. Healing from an ended relationship takes time; don't expect yourself to get over it right away. You may never fully stop loving this person, but with time, the love will fade. | #Be patient with yourself. Healing from an ended relationship takes time; don't expect yourself to get over it right away. You may never fully stop loving this person, but with time, the love will fade. | ||
#*It’s likely that one day you’ll look back and be able to smile at how intensely you thought you loved this person, when all they are to you now is a memory of a very different time in your life. | #*It’s likely that one day you’ll look back and be able to smile at how intensely you thought you loved this person, when all they are to you now is a memory of a very different time in your life. | ||
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=== Learning Mental Tricks for Letting Go === | === Learning Mental Tricks for Letting Go === | ||
| − | #View your relationship as an experiment. Examine the data of your failed relationship. Where did it go wrong? Studies show that viewing your relationship scientifically can help you regain a better sense of self and heal more quickly after a breakup.<ref | + | #View your relationship as an experiment. Examine the data of your failed relationship. Where did it go wrong? Studies show that viewing your relationship scientifically can help you regain a better sense of self and heal more quickly after a breakup.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*Try to take a step back and consider what the contributing factors might have been that could have caused the breakup. Just remember not to spend too much time on it — you are trying to learn a lesson and grow from it, not beat yourself up over where you went wrong. | #*Try to take a step back and consider what the contributing factors might have been that could have caused the breakup. Just remember not to spend too much time on it — you are trying to learn a lesson and grow from it, not beat yourself up over where you went wrong. | ||
#*This doesn’t necessarily mean thinking about where you went wrong. It might even be something simple like “We are actually very different people with different goals.” | #*This doesn’t necessarily mean thinking about where you went wrong. It might even be something simple like “We are actually very different people with different goals.” | ||
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#Learn a lesson. It’s easier to accept our mistakes in life when we view them as opportunities to learn. Regarding the end of your relationship as an opportunity to learn might help you view it in a more positive light. | #Learn a lesson. It’s easier to accept our mistakes in life when we view them as opportunities to learn. Regarding the end of your relationship as an opportunity to learn might help you view it in a more positive light. | ||
#*It’s common after a breakup to feel as though you’ve wasted your time. If you view the relationship as a learning experience, it’s not waste of time at all. Things that help you grow and learn are not a waste of time. | #*It’s common after a breakup to feel as though you’ve wasted your time. If you view the relationship as a learning experience, it’s not waste of time at all. Things that help you grow and learn are not a waste of time. | ||
| − | #Untangle your concept of self from that other person. When you lose someone who you love, it can feel like you’ve lost half of yourself. It will help you move on to rebuild your sense of who you are, apart from the person you loved and lost.<ref | + | #Untangle your concept of self from that other person. When you lose someone who you love, it can feel like you’ve lost half of yourself. It will help you move on to rebuild your sense of who you are, apart from the person you loved and lost.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*A good writing exercise to build your concept of self is to simply label a page “Who am I?” or “What makes me, me?” and then note your responses. | #*A good writing exercise to build your concept of self is to simply label a page “Who am I?” or “What makes me, me?” and then note your responses. | ||
| − | #Don’t forbid yourself from thinking about the person. Studies have shown that forbidding yourself from thinking about something will only make you think about it more.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201202/4-science-based-strategies-getting-over-ex</ref> | + | #Don’t forbid yourself from thinking about the person. Studies have shown that forbidding yourself from thinking about something will only make you think about it more.<ref name="rf4">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201202/4-science-based-strategies-getting-over-ex</ref> |
| − | #*Instead of telling yourself not to think bout the person you want to get over, when the thought comes into your mind, gently remind yourself that they’re no longer part of your life, and then put your attention back on something that benefits you.<ref | + | #*Instead of telling yourself not to think bout the person you want to get over, when the thought comes into your mind, gently remind yourself that they’re no longer part of your life, and then put your attention back on something that benefits you.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#Give yourself a set number of minutes each day to think about the person. When someone we love leaves us, our minds can become consumed with thoughts about them. Telling yourself not to think about the person doesn’t work, but telling yourself “not now, later” does. | #Give yourself a set number of minutes each day to think about the person. When someone we love leaves us, our minds can become consumed with thoughts about them. Telling yourself not to think about the person doesn’t work, but telling yourself “not now, later” does. | ||
#*Whenever a thought about the person comes into your head, push it away and tell yourself that you’ll return to the thought later when you’ve reached the time in the day that you are allowed to think about that person. | #*Whenever a thought about the person comes into your head, push it away and tell yourself that you’ll return to the thought later when you’ve reached the time in the day that you are allowed to think about that person. | ||
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#*If you know that you’ll feel lonely on Friday night and want to call them, make plans for Friday night. Do this even if you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything. Make plans and try to live in the moment while you’re out with others. | #*If you know that you’ll feel lonely on Friday night and want to call them, make plans for Friday night. Do this even if you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything. Make plans and try to live in the moment while you’re out with others. | ||
#Have fun with other people and by yourself. Socialize and take up new hobbies or revisit old ones. The key is to have fun without the person you loved, because as impossible as it may seem, you are capable of doing so. | #Have fun with other people and by yourself. Socialize and take up new hobbies or revisit old ones. The key is to have fun without the person you loved, because as impossible as it may seem, you are capable of doing so. | ||
| − | #*You must do things to lift your mood, otherwise you’ll just dwell on your situation and become depressed.<ref | + | #*You must do things to lift your mood, otherwise you’ll just dwell on your situation and become depressed.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#*Examples of hobbies: music, art, sports, dance, movies, video games, reading, cooking, attending plays or local festivals, checking out museums etc. | #*Examples of hobbies: music, art, sports, dance, movies, video games, reading, cooking, attending plays or local festivals, checking out museums etc. | ||
| − | #Get a new addiction. Experts say that the best way to kick an old habit is to adopt a new one. Start a new hobby or rediscover your love for an old one.<ref | + | #Get a new addiction. Experts say that the best way to kick an old habit is to adopt a new one. Start a new hobby or rediscover your love for an old one.<ref name="rf4" /> |
| − | #*When you begin to feel sad and like something’s missing, direct your energy toward your new habit instead of thinking about your lost love.<ref | + | #*When you begin to feel sad and like something’s missing, direct your energy toward your new habit instead of thinking about your lost love.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#*Note that this does not mean you should start seeing someone new or otherwise try to replace the person you loved with a new person. That would be an unhealthy thing to do. | #*Note that this does not mean you should start seeing someone new or otherwise try to replace the person you loved with a new person. That would be an unhealthy thing to do. | ||
#Figure out who you are. It can be hard to move on from a relationship when you feel like part of you is missing. Rebuild your concept of who you are without that person. | #Figure out who you are. It can be hard to move on from a relationship when you feel like part of you is missing. Rebuild your concept of who you are without that person. | ||
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#Take care of yourself. When you’re dealing with grief it’s more important than ever to take good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Do things that make you feel good on the inside and outside. | #Take care of yourself. When you’re dealing with grief it’s more important than ever to take good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Do things that make you feel good on the inside and outside. | ||
#* Eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and exercise, meditate — you might even buy yourself a new outfit or get a nice haircut. | #* Eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and exercise, meditate — you might even buy yourself a new outfit or get a nice haircut. | ||
| − | #*Experts say that stress is the primary trigger for indulging in addictions, and this includes exes. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired or otherwise stressed out, you’ll have more difficulty resisting the temptation to connect with the person you’re trying to get over.<ref | + | #*Experts say that stress is the primary trigger for indulging in addictions, and this includes exes. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired or otherwise stressed out, you’ll have more difficulty resisting the temptation to connect with the person you’re trying to get over.<ref name="rf4" /> |
| − | #*Studies show that nurturing the parts of yourself that you neglected during a relationship can help you move on.<ref | + | #*Studies show that nurturing the parts of yourself that you neglected during a relationship can help you move on.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Think about what unhealthy behaviours you turn to when you’re feeling upset or stressed, and try to avoid these. Common unhealthy coping behaviours include the following: | #Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Think about what unhealthy behaviours you turn to when you’re feeling upset or stressed, and try to avoid these. Common unhealthy coping behaviours include the following: | ||
#*Drinking, using drugs, eating too much or too little, isolating yourself from loved ones, engaging in aggressive or violent behaviour, spending too much time on the Internet, or pretty much any other excessive behaviour (gaming, shopping, watching pornography, exercising etc.). | #*Drinking, using drugs, eating too much or too little, isolating yourself from loved ones, engaging in aggressive or violent behaviour, spending too much time on the Internet, or pretty much any other excessive behaviour (gaming, shopping, watching pornography, exercising etc.). | ||
#*For example, if you know that you tend to binge eat, counter this by going for a walk or a run, or doing something with your hands such as drawing or crafts. | #*For example, if you know that you tend to binge eat, counter this by going for a walk or a run, or doing something with your hands such as drawing or crafts. | ||
| − | #Don’t try to get revenge. It’s common to desire justice when you feel you’ve been wronged; however, studies have shown that far from making people feel better, revenge actually increases stress and impairs health.<ref | + | #Don’t try to get revenge. It’s common to desire justice when you feel you’ve been wronged; however, studies have shown that far from making people feel better, revenge actually increases stress and impairs health.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #*Some studies have shown that taking revenge can actually force you to play the situation over and over again in your head, whereas not getting revenge helps make the situation seem less significant, making it easier to forget.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better</ref> | + | #*Some studies have shown that taking revenge can actually force you to play the situation over and over again in your head, whereas not getting revenge helps make the situation seem less significant, making it easier to forget.<ref name="rf5">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better</ref> |
#Know your worth. You are not a worthless person. That person you loved did not throw you away; things just didn’t work out. It’s not being conceited to know that you’re a worthy person (that is, as long as you don’t think you’re more worthy than others). | #Know your worth. You are not a worthless person. That person you loved did not throw you away; things just didn’t work out. It’s not being conceited to know that you’re a worthy person (that is, as long as you don’t think you’re more worthy than others). | ||
#*If you struggle to see your worth, sit down and write a list of things you like about yourself. It might only be one thing the first day, and even that might be a struggle, but if you do it every day, maybe within a week you’ll be able to come up with five good things about yourself — maybe after a few months you’ll be able to fill a page. | #*If you struggle to see your worth, sit down and write a list of things you like about yourself. It might only be one thing the first day, and even that might be a struggle, but if you do it every day, maybe within a week you’ll be able to come up with five good things about yourself — maybe after a few months you’ll be able to fill a page. | ||
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=== Moving Forward === | === Moving Forward === | ||
#Know that you’re in control of your life. You are responsible for your own happiness and your own life choices. No one else is. If you don’t do things to lift your mood and change your life, you will stay sad and could even enter a depression. | #Know that you’re in control of your life. You are responsible for your own happiness and your own life choices. No one else is. If you don’t do things to lift your mood and change your life, you will stay sad and could even enter a depression. | ||
| − | #*If you’ve been hurt by someone, don't let them hurt you any more than they already have by sinking into a depression that may stall your life.<ref | + | #*If you’ve been hurt by someone, don't let them hurt you any more than they already have by sinking into a depression that may stall your life.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#Set goals. Having meaningful goals to work toward will give you a compelling reason to stop dwelling on the person you lost and start working to make your life better. | #Set goals. Having meaningful goals to work toward will give you a compelling reason to stop dwelling on the person you lost and start working to make your life better. | ||
#*For example, if you’re about to go from high school to college, challenge yourself to get the best marks possible and to get into a college program that you will love. | #*For example, if you’re about to go from high school to college, challenge yourself to get the best marks possible and to get into a college program that you will love. | ||
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#Know that you’ll meet someone else. It may not feel like it right now, but you’ll meet someone else who works even better with you. When you meet them, you’ll be grateful that things didn’t work out with the person you’re trying to get over right now. | #Know that you’ll meet someone else. It may not feel like it right now, but you’ll meet someone else who works even better with you. When you meet them, you’ll be grateful that things didn’t work out with the person you’re trying to get over right now. | ||
#*The more you grow, the more you know what works, and this will help you find someone who better suits you. | #*The more you grow, the more you know what works, and this will help you find someone who better suits you. | ||
| − | #Know when you’re ready to start a new relationship. There is no set time for how long it takes to get over someone. It varies by person and relationship — some people may only need a couple of months, while others will need years.<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/dating-after-divorce</ref> | + | #Know when you’re ready to start a new relationship. There is no set time for how long it takes to get over someone. It varies by person and relationship — some people may only need a couple of months, while others will need years.<ref name="rf6">http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/dating-after-divorce</ref> |
| − | #* If you’re still thinking about your ex regularly, you will not be able to devote the necessary attention to a healthy new relationship.<ref | + | #* If you’re still thinking about your ex regularly, you will not be able to devote the necessary attention to a healthy new relationship.<ref name="rf6" /> |
| − | #* It’s important to feel confident in yourself before starting a new relationship. If you’re scared to be alone, this is not the time to start something new.<ref | + | #* It’s important to feel confident in yourself before starting a new relationship. If you’re scared to be alone, this is not the time to start something new.<ref name="rf6" /> |
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
| − | *If you’re really struggling to find strength, try aligning yourself with a role model — for example, a celebrity you admire who overcame personal struggles, or even a character in a book or film whose strength you admire.<ref | + | *If you’re really struggling to find strength, try aligning yourself with a role model — for example, a celebrity you admire who overcame personal struggles, or even a character in a book or film whose strength you admire.<ref name="rf4" /> |
*Avoid the temptation to try to replace your old relationship with a new one right away. It’s important to give yourself time to feel your emotions, think about them, learn from them, and even grieve the loss of your relationship. It’s also not fair to the new person if you’re still hung up on someone else. | *Avoid the temptation to try to replace your old relationship with a new one right away. It’s important to give yourself time to feel your emotions, think about them, learn from them, and even grieve the loss of your relationship. It’s also not fair to the new person if you’re still hung up on someone else. | ||
*Reading can be a great escape from reality, and might even teach you things or inspire you to write your own stories. Becoming part of someone else’s story — their hopes and sorrows — can help you escape your own problems, and might even shed light on them. | *Reading can be a great escape from reality, and might even teach you things or inspire you to write your own stories. Becoming part of someone else’s story — their hopes and sorrows — can help you escape your own problems, and might even shed light on them. | ||
