Difference between revisions of "Handle an Ex Who Harasses You"
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==Steps== | ==Steps== | ||
===Identifying the Degree of Harassment=== | ===Identifying the Degree of Harassment=== | ||
| − | #Differentiate between criminal harassment and pestering. Assault, abuse, threats, and even stalking are considered punishable criminal offenses.<ref>http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/enactedlegislation/statutes/pdf/bychapter/chapter_50c.pdf</ref> If you are being subjected to one of these forms of harassment, report your ex to the authorities immediately. They will keep an eye on your ex and even issue a restraining order. On the other hand, your ex may not be doing any physical or emotional harm, but simply hasn’t accepted the break-up. If the latter is the case, there are steps you can take to make it more comfortable while they come to terms with the separation. | + | #Differentiate between criminal harassment and pestering. Assault, abuse, threats, and even stalking are considered punishable criminal offenses.<ref name="rf1">http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/enactedlegislation/statutes/pdf/bychapter/chapter_50c.pdf</ref> If you are being subjected to one of these forms of harassment, report your ex to the authorities immediately. They will keep an eye on your ex and even issue a restraining order. On the other hand, your ex may not be doing any physical or emotional harm, but simply hasn’t accepted the break-up. If the latter is the case, there are steps you can take to make it more comfortable while they come to terms with the separation. |
| − | #*A restraining order places restrictions on their interactions with you. If they violate the restraining order, they could be arrested.<ref>http://www.lawhelpmn.org/resource/harassment-restraining-order-do-it-yourself/4B8013EE-31B9-4E50-B690-273C7D97865D</ref> | + | #*A restraining order places restrictions on their interactions with you. If they violate the restraining order, they could be arrested.<ref name="rf2">http://www.lawhelpmn.org/resource/harassment-restraining-order-do-it-yourself/4B8013EE-31B9-4E50-B690-273C7D97865D</ref> |
| − | #*Many states have a legal distinction between civil harassment and domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is between close family members and people currently or formerly in a romantic relationship. Civil harassment is between 2 people who are not and have never been close family members or romantically involved. However, the illegal behavior is the same – assault, abuse, threats, stalking, and other physically and emotionally harmful behaviors.<ref>http://www.courts.ca.gov/1258.htm</ref> | + | #*Many states have a legal distinction between civil harassment and domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is between close family members and people currently or formerly in a romantic relationship. Civil harassment is between 2 people who are not and have never been close family members or romantically involved. However, the illegal behavior is the same – assault, abuse, threats, stalking, and other physically and emotionally harmful behaviors.<ref name="rf3">http://www.courts.ca.gov/1258.htm</ref> |
#*Abuse can be physical or emotional. Hitting, shouting, and insults are examples of abuse. Broadly defined, it is harm done to you. | #*Abuse can be physical or emotional. Hitting, shouting, and insults are examples of abuse. Broadly defined, it is harm done to you. | ||
#*Threats of abuse can be just as harmful emotionally. They can be expressed or simply implied. | #*Threats of abuse can be just as harmful emotionally. They can be expressed or simply implied. | ||
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#*Are you alone when they harass you? | #*Are you alone when they harass you? | ||
#*Have you told them that their advances are unwelcome? | #*Have you told them that their advances are unwelcome? | ||
| − | #*Is there hard evidence of their harassment? It may not be necessary to have criminal charges brought against them without physical evidence of harassment, but it would make it an open-and-shut case.<ref>http://www.nd.gov/risk/files/samples/response.pdf</ref> | + | #*Is there hard evidence of their harassment? It may not be necessary to have criminal charges brought against them without physical evidence of harassment, but it would make it an open-and-shut case.<ref name="rf4">http://www.nd.gov/risk/files/samples/response.pdf</ref> |
#Tell them their behavior is unwelcome. It may seem obvious to you, but vocalizing your fear and discomfort to them may get them to stop. It is also the first step in legal recourse against their behavior. By establishing that you have told them to stop, their continued attempts at contacting or harming you become criminal offenses. | #Tell them their behavior is unwelcome. It may seem obvious to you, but vocalizing your fear and discomfort to them may get them to stop. It is also the first step in legal recourse against their behavior. By establishing that you have told them to stop, their continued attempts at contacting or harming you become criminal offenses. | ||
#*For example, try telling them, "I know you only want to spend more time with me, but I your repeated calls make me uncomfortable. I want you to stop calling me for at least 2 weeks. I'll get in touch with you if I need you." Putting a time frame on it may make it an easier pill for them to swallow. After 2 weeks, or however long you see fit, they may not be as obsessed with you any more. | #*For example, try telling them, "I know you only want to spend more time with me, but I your repeated calls make me uncomfortable. I want you to stop calling me for at least 2 weeks. I'll get in touch with you if I need you." Putting a time frame on it may make it an easier pill for them to swallow. After 2 weeks, or however long you see fit, they may not be as obsessed with you any more. | ||
#Recognize when they are not trying to harm you. Not all ‘harassment’ is criminal or violent. It may just be residual feelings of infatuation gasping for air. Go easy on them while they come to terms with the break up. There is no need to contact the police about someone who is causing no harm. | #Recognize when they are not trying to harm you. Not all ‘harassment’ is criminal or violent. It may just be residual feelings of infatuation gasping for air. Go easy on them while they come to terms with the break up. There is no need to contact the police about someone who is causing no harm. | ||
#*For example, an ex may try to bring you lunch at work. It is unwanted behavior, but they are only bringing you food. Remove yourself and your relationship from the story, and see their behavior in its most basic form. | #*For example, an ex may try to bring you lunch at work. It is unwanted behavior, but they are only bringing you food. Remove yourself and your relationship from the story, and see their behavior in its most basic form. | ||
| − | #Do the ‘reasonable person test.’ Imagine there are impartial bystanders witnessing your ex’s potentially abusive actions. Would they feel alarmed or contact an authority? If so, your ex's actions may be criminally punishable. It is important to figure out if they are a threat to your safety as soon as possible so you can contact the police before get hurt.<ref>https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm</ref> | + | #Do the ‘reasonable person test.’ Imagine there are impartial bystanders witnessing your ex’s potentially abusive actions. Would they feel alarmed or contact an authority? If so, your ex's actions may be criminally punishable. It is important to figure out if they are a threat to your safety as soon as possible so you can contact the police before get hurt.<ref name="rf5">https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm</ref> |
#*For example, imagine your last face-to-face. Did they raise their voice or act physically imposing, or imply future abuse? Did they use unfriendly language? If not, they may not be interested in taking their attempt to win you back any farther than asking you what they did wrong. | #*For example, imagine your last face-to-face. Did they raise their voice or act physically imposing, or imply future abuse? Did they use unfriendly language? If not, they may not be interested in taking their attempt to win you back any farther than asking you what they did wrong. | ||
===Dealing With a Persistent Ex=== | ===Dealing With a Persistent Ex=== | ||
#Avoid them. If they are behaving generally rational, your ex’s advances are fueled by contact with you. Don’t give fuel to the fire. Try to avoid them whenever possible. This may be difficult if you work together or socialize in the same circles. Nonetheless, the more you can break off contact with them, the easier it should be to gradually come to terms with the break up. | #Avoid them. If they are behaving generally rational, your ex’s advances are fueled by contact with you. Don’t give fuel to the fire. Try to avoid them whenever possible. This may be difficult if you work together or socialize in the same circles. Nonetheless, the more you can break off contact with them, the easier it should be to gradually come to terms with the break up. | ||
#*Take note if your ex intensifies their attempts see you after you break off contact. This irrational behavior may be a sign of criminal harassment or even psychosis. If they become more desperate or abusive, contact the police immediately. | #*Take note if your ex intensifies their attempts see you after you break off contact. This irrational behavior may be a sign of criminal harassment or even psychosis. If they become more desperate or abusive, contact the police immediately. | ||
| − | #Tell your friends and family. It is important that you have a support network in times like these. Keeping others aware of your ex’s behavior will also serve as an impartial judge of whether they cross the line. Have them check in with you regularly to make sure you are ok and the pestering hasn’t intensified to abusive harassment.<ref>http://www.thehotline.org/2014/04/help-my-ex-is-harassing-me-online/</ref> | + | #Tell your friends and family. It is important that you have a support network in times like these. Keeping others aware of your ex’s behavior will also serve as an impartial judge of whether they cross the line. Have them check in with you regularly to make sure you are ok and the pestering hasn’t intensified to abusive harassment.<ref name="rf6">http://www.thehotline.org/2014/04/help-my-ex-is-harassing-me-online/</ref> |
#Don’t respond to their communication. If they leave you messages/texts that make your blood boil, take a moment before doing anything. It is probably best not to respond at all, and let their feelings for you suffocate. Alternately, you may think that will only make them more determined to getting in touch with you. If so, keep your comments and responses as positive, respectful and brief as possible. Communicate to them that you respect them, but no longer wish to have a romantic relationship. | #Don’t respond to their communication. If they leave you messages/texts that make your blood boil, take a moment before doing anything. It is probably best not to respond at all, and let their feelings for you suffocate. Alternately, you may think that will only make them more determined to getting in touch with you. If so, keep your comments and responses as positive, respectful and brief as possible. Communicate to them that you respect them, but no longer wish to have a romantic relationship. | ||
#*If they won't stop texting you, try a quick message like, "I still respect you, but I don't want to date you. Please stop sending these texts." | #*If they won't stop texting you, try a quick message like, "I still respect you, but I don't want to date you. Please stop sending these texts." | ||
| − | #Create a new email filter or account. Until this blows over, you may want to avoid seeing their correspondence. Most email clients make it easy to filter out unwanted messages. However, if you don’t even want to be confronted with the possibility of opening their email, you might create a new temporary email account. Share the address only with those you need to contact, and tell them why. Making sure your ex doesn’t find out this email address will create a safe space for you.<ref | + | #Create a new email filter or account. Until this blows over, you may want to avoid seeing their correspondence. Most email clients make it easy to filter out unwanted messages. However, if you don’t even want to be confronted with the possibility of opening their email, you might create a new temporary email account. Share the address only with those you need to contact, and tell them why. Making sure your ex doesn’t find out this email address will create a safe space for you.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#*For a step-by-step guide to creating an email filter, see [[Create a Filter in Gmail|this]]. | #*For a step-by-step guide to creating an email filter, see [[Create a Filter in Gmail|this]]. | ||
#Block their phone number. Their phone calls and voice messages will be harder to ignore than their emails. This will be a major source of stress for you until the issue is resolved. Luckily, it is easy to block phone numbers. Look at [[Block a Phone Number|this guide]] for instructions on how to do this with a variety of phone carriers. | #Block their phone number. Their phone calls and voice messages will be harder to ignore than their emails. This will be a major source of stress for you until the issue is resolved. Luckily, it is easy to block phone numbers. Look at [[Block a Phone Number|this guide]] for instructions on how to do this with a variety of phone carriers. | ||
