Get Your Coworker to Stop Telling You How to Do Your Job

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Should a bossy person rule the roost in the workplace? While some people will suggest that bossiness is in the eye of the beholder, a truly bossy coworker can make work life unpleasant and even difficult if they insist on taking the reins of everything you're responsible for. Even a casual comment about rearranging your desk or filing system can be a bossy swipe at your own methods if the coworker has a habit of insinuating themselves into your workspace in this way.

When the bossiness goes beyond what you can tolerate, the aim is to put your bossy coworker on alert that you're not a sitting duck for his or her mistrust and criticism. Indeed, seek to maintain cordial relations in the workplace while keeping your working relationship professional and mutually respectful. A bossy person who is shown your boundaries with clarity will quickly learn to respect the lines you've drawn.

Steps

  1. Identify a pattern of bossiness. It's a good idea to be sure that you're dealing with bossiness from the coworker rather than occasional misplaced good intentions or someone who is genuinely a good (and needed) organizer or motivator. Bossiness in the workplace generally involves an ongoing, persistent issue of inappropriately assuming power over another and being in charge over someone else's work without a mandate. A bossy coworker most likely lacks trust that others in the workplace know what they're doing and wants to take over by making the decisions, dominating, telling you what to do all the time, insisting that you do things their way and criticizing without being constructive. Ask yourself the following questions when assessing the bossiness of your coworker:
    • Does my coworker seem to mistrust me?
    • Does my coworker try to put words in my mouth and tell me how to do my job?
    • Does my coworker insist that I make changes to my work all the time, even before more senior people have had a chance to see it?
    • Does my coworker often tell me I am doing things the wrong way?
    • Does my coworker remind me often of how "things should be done around here"?
    • Do I feel like a child around this person, a child lacking in knowledge and skills of my own?
    • Did my coworker used to perform my role and yet seems unable to let go now?
  2. Identify the type of bossiness. Bossing techniques vary slightly and it's helpful to understand which one you're faced with, so that you can clarify what might be going on:
    • Officious bossiness: This person sees everything in black and white and lives by the "letter" of the law rather than its "spirit". Likely to think in absolutes, this bossy nature cannot abide the thought of bending the usual rules when flexibility requires it because "being right" is a form of power and control over others. Often the bossiness of this type is a way of attacking more intelligent, creative types around them who might seem unconventional or disorganized but who, in particular, aren't fussed about rule bending to ensure the best outcomes. When it's about adhering to "administrivia reglets" within the workplace, the bossy coworker's stickler approach to rules is really about power play, so if the sign says "we shut at 4pm", this person will stop automatically, even if a few more minutes would see the last transaction completed, all because it shows that they wield the power.
    • Helpful bossiness: This person perceives themselves as being kind and helpful, when in reality they use this approach as a cloak for bossiness, enabling them to insert the choices they perceive as better than yours. They may even take to moralizing, justifying their interference by "doing what's right". It can be harder to spot this bossy nature because they're at such pains to appear kind and helpful but your own feelings should be a guide to the manipulative nature of this type of interfering or overruling "help". Ultimately, they don't believe you're competent enough to cope, so they meddle, fuss and inveigle their way into your work all under the pretext of guiding or helping out, like a parent with a child. A telling sign is frequent second guessing of your choices and even nagging.
    • Attention seeker bossiness: This person enjoys being the center of attention and bossing is how they get there. Pulling you up publicly for things you've overlooked, missed, made mistakes doing or (sensibly) bent the rules on can make them feel superior toward you and gives them an excuse to "set you straight" on how things "ought to be done" around here, and in front of everyone too! Their attitude presumes that they know best and should be in charge. In making a scene, they like to ensure that everyone is aware of their importance, regardless of how unjustified or impolite their attention seeking really is. This person may also be a bit of a bully.
  3. Be compassionate but don't be taken in. Bossy people can make a genuinely hard working and dedicated person quake in their boots, often because a lot of bossiness is about bluff, bluffing that they know more or will do a better job and thereby show you up. The first thing to remember is that even if this person does know more, they weren't chosen for role––you were––and that your own qualities bring something different to the role that your employer wants from you, not from your coworker. Your coworker is disrespecting boundaries laid down by the employer and seeks to undermine the rationale behind having varied personalities and skills in the workplace, showing a marked lack of perspicacity and intelligence about the inter-relational aspect of work. The second thing to remember is that by identifying the bossy coworker, the power returns to your court provided you deal with it appropriately and call their bluff. And by being compassionate, a little understanding of the bossy person's feelings of anxiety and insecurity can go a long way in helping you to avoid feeling angry and frustrated. Bossy people are often afraid that they won't be respected, that others will let them down and therefore have a need to assume to control to try to reduce their anxiety levels. Some bossy people are also poor at empathizing and really don't see the distress their bossiness causes others; or, where they do sense it, they may believe themselves so superior that they don't regard how you feel as important.
    • Can you live with the bossiness? If your coworker is bossy only at some times, such as one particular task they used to do before you took over, but leaves you alone most of the time, it's perhaps best to just let it be and dismiss the bossiness on those occasions when they do intervene. However, this will only work if they're not intervening in all aspects of your work, all the time. And eventually, they should leave off, trusting you know what you're doing, so don't tolerate this for a long time.
    • Compassion involves noting when another person you're relating with is tired, stressed or feeling as if the situation at hand is not under their own control. Knowing the underlying motivation doesn't excuse their bossiness but it does give you an insight into why they're behaving bossily and simply stating direct to them that you have sympathy for their fatigue or feeling pressured might help them to realize that they're inability to cope is transparent to others around them.
  4. Be wary. The bossy person is rarely an openly attacking kind of person, so they'll rarely, if ever, say anything nasty about you as a person. Usually they veil direct attacks under bossy criticism and hassling or micromanaging you. Done constantly, the direct interference can wear you down and can easily blur the boundaries between your role and theirs. If they so inveigle their way from their role into yours, there is an occasional risk that a senior person may view the change in direction favorably and see less need for you, so keep your own role clear! Moreover, simply getting up-to-date clarification of your role can benefit you both as a form of reassurance that you're personally headed in the right direction and as documented evidence that your tasks are as stated. If you want to seek role clarification, it is suggested that you do the following:
    • Write down every aspect, skill, and expectation of your role as you understand it to be.
    • Consult coworkers (apart from the bossy one) to ensure that your list is both relevant and comprehensive.
    • Prioritize your list, so that it is clear and easy to understand.
    • Print it off, so that it is neat and presentable.
    • Present it to your line manager or direct boss, and ask him or her for their view of it as a guide for any employee wishing to do your job. This may impress your line manager and to your benefit, it may be adopted as a new job description if changes have occurred since you took on the role. Once agreed to, it is now something that you can show your bossy coworker as having been approved as to what constitutes your role. Doing this will send the clear message to your bossy coworker that you're not in need of their "guidance".
  5. Assert yourself. Choose a private moment to speak to your bossy coworker about their bossiness. Let them know that you've noticed their bossiness and found it upsetting or disorienting, and explain how it has caused you to feel that your own skills and abilities are not being respected. Explain how it affects your work input and reassure your coworker that you're capable of performing the tasks assigned to you, just as you recognize that they're capable at dealing with their own tasks.
    • Stick to "I" messages, letting your coworker know how their bossiness makes you feel.
    • Try something along the lines of: "When you speak to me in a way that suggests that I'm not competent, and insist I change things from the original way I presented them, I feel that I'm not being trusted to produce the work I'm employed to do here. I don't feel respected. Since I do believe myself capable and have the experience and knowledge to do what I have been tasked to do, I simply ask that you acknowledge this and speak to me with respect."
  6. Don't jump when your coworker asks you to. Being unresponsive to the demands being made of you from a bossy coworker might be enough for them to give up on ordering you around. They might roll their eyes and act miffed but it's better that they know early on that you won't be helpful back unless they've been polite and respectful first.
    • Use "but" when addressing their wishes. This ploy a great way to get your point across without being rude. Start off in an agreeable tone but then making it clear that you're not interested in following through on their bossy demands. For example: "Indeed Henry, that's probably one way of doing it but the way I am doing has been successful so far and has earned this firm a lot of praise."
  7. Remind them of their own responsibilities as a way of highlighting the double standard they're insisting on. Keep your replies lighthearted and humor-filled. Rather than snapping back "Do it yourself" or "Go away", which are probably your natural first reactions, try a lighthearted "Well, Rachel, I think that's a great idea and I'll promise to get the article finished if you promise to get it to the printer on time." In this way, you can gently point out that they don't always manage to get things done perfectly, making them aware that their own imperfections have been duly noted. Beautifully deflected!
  8. Assess whether you have "clean hands". Sometimes we contribute to another person's bossiness because we aren't living up to what's expected of us. If, for any reason, your coworker does have reason to distrust you or not have in faith in you, it will need to be tackled openly. For example, you may have worked together on a project but not met your side of the bargain, such as not making a deadline, not producing work of appropriate quality or simply not listening to their input. If you can think of anything you have done that might be contributing to their lack of trust in you and their feeling that they need to take control, then consider being direct about it. Raise the prior matter and reassure them as to why the things you didn't fulfill in the past are no longer an issue and why you deserve their trust back. Be patient; you probably have to prove yourself a few times first.
  9. If your bossy coworker isn't improving despite implementing the suggestions above, you may need to talk to your superior. This requires delicacy but by first focusing on how you get along with this person and appreciate all their positive traits, you can then proceed to point out that there is one concern and that is the bossiness involved in certain tasks the two of you work on together (have some factual examples ready to help you explain). Make it clear that you're not voicing a complaint but seeking advice on the best way to approach the bossiness so that you can both nip it in the bud and find the support needed to get your work done productively. By being genuine about your need for guidance in this situation and by recognizing the good in your coworker, it will help your superior to realize that you're not complaining but that you're looking for constructive advice. Hopefully you'll get the advice and it's possible your superior will have a quiet word to the bossy coworker too.

Tips

  • You should consider that your bossy colleague may not be aware of the effect of their behavior, and they may have been guilty of the same behavior with others before you. So, the direct and honest approach is sometimes the best option.
  • In addition to the above, why not simultaneously ask your line manager for their guidance in seeking promotion? This will not fail to impress, and again sends a clear but indirect message to your bossy colleague.

Warnings

  • If you're bossy and it's two bossy people clashing horns, then be honest. Being bossy is not a good or productive way to get ahead in life. Consider tackling your own bossiness before accusing others of the same.
  • Some situations are not bossiness but clear-headed responsiveness. Don't confuse the person who takes charge during an emergency or a big mess up in the workplace with bossiness. Sometimes there needs to be one person barking orders to ensure everyone's safety, sanity or cohesiveness but such bossing happens in very specific, short-term situations and afterward the more normal, respectful behavior is restored. This is a big difference from ongoing bossing around.

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