Difference between revisions of "Find Out Why Someone Is Mad at You"

#Reflect on your recent behavior around the person. Episodes of anger have triggers that play a large part in igniting these emotional chain reactions<ref name="rf1">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-the-rage/201110/why-we-get-mad</ref>. Knowledge of this triggering event may exist in your own memory. If you discover the source of the problem through reflection, you can skip the rest of this guide and focus on apologizing instead.

#Examine your patterns of behavior. He may not be angry because of one thing. Many times, a single event can be the straw that breaks that camel's back, and people have different levels of resilience or tolerance for stressful events before they hit a breaking point<ref name="rf2">http://saynotostigma.com/2010/07/the-straw-that-broke-the-camels-back-the-interplay-of-resilience-stress-and-self-stigma/</ref>. Ask yourself if he has expressed disapproval with your patterns of behavior before.

#Be honest with yourself<ref name="rf3">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/naked-truth/201405/how-do-i-know-when-i-am-lying-myself</ref>. It can be difficult to objectively assess your behavior in relation to the person, but this is a necessary procedure if you hope to discover the source of the interpersonal conflict.

#* Be aware of your behavior. Pay attention to what you are doing in moments where you interact with the person. Automatic and thoughtless actions can be the source of a great deal of interpersonal conflict. Practice mindfulness meditation in order to attain greater awareness and attentional control over yourself<ref name="rf4">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22363278</ref>.

#Watch for classic signs of anger<ref name="rf5">http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx</ref>. Behavioral expressions of anger can range from the verbal to the physical, and beyond, into intentional aggression. When broaching certain topics, the person may exhibit signs of anger that can clue you in to the source of the emotion.

#Listen closely to the content. Anger can show up not only in the ''way'' things are expressed, but in the expressions themselves. When people are angry, they temporarily display attributes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, such as entitlement, overblown confidence, manipulation, and a lack of empathy. Recognize these symptoms for what they are and do your best to trace their emotional lineage<ref name="rf6">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/how-deal-angry-partner</ref>.

#Establish respect. If it becomes necessary to engage someone over the issue, tell him that you understand he is feeling angry and want to resolve the issue together. This will let him know that you respect his emotions and that you come in peace<ref name="rf7">http://access.ewu.edu/caps/facultystaffres/defusinganger</ref>.

#* Additionally, be aware of your nonverbal body communication. Frowning, shaking your head, and rolling your eyes will put him on the defensive and create additional tension<ref name="rf7" />.

#* Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. This will help to avoid blame<ref name="rf8">http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/istate.htm</ref>.

#Practice effective listening. Try to restate what they are saying in your head, to make sure you understand his position. If he is open to it, go a step further and ask him to confirm that you got it right. This will involve him in the process and show him that you are putting in the time and effort to really understand the meaning he is trying to convey<ref name="rf9">http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/skills/listening.htm</ref>.

#Model good behavior. Psychological research shows that while many people respond negatively to being told what to do or being given direct advice, they are open to adopting behaviors from others that are perceived to be effective and result in positive outcomes<ref name="rf10">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201407/giving-people-advice-rarely-works-does</ref>.

#* Example: If the person says something rude, take a few deep breaths before replying. This will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and calm you down, so that you can respond with a more even temper. He will notice this shift in attitude and may want to try it out himself!<ref name="rf11">http://www.unm.edu/~lkravitz/Article%20folder/Breathing.html</ref>.

#Consider your needs as well as his. Find a balance between passivity and aggression. Assert your feelings and needs while remaining open and sensitive to what he is saying and feeling as well. This will help you avoid things like frustration and resentment at not having your own needs met<ref name="rf12">http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/docs/Info-assertive%20communication.pdf</ref>.

#* Being assertive in this manner will cultivate an honest relationship and you will gain the respect of the other person<ref name="rf13">http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644</ref>.

#Use facts, not judgments<ref name="rf14">http://www.umassd.edu/counseling/forparents/reccomendedreadings/assertiveness/</ref>. This will help to establish common ground, since you are pointing to things that you can both experience as true, rather than personal feelings which can seem true for one person but not the other.

#Clearly state your position. This will give the disagreement a solid foundation, to which he can respond and share his feelings on what you have put out there. He may not agree with how you have framed the issue, but this will let him know where you stand and create the conditions for more in-depth dialogue<ref name="rf14" />.

#Look and act the part. Important nonverbal considerations such as posture, eye contact, and a steady tone of voice will show the other person that you are receptive, but also firm in your convictions and self-respect. This will create an equal playing field, so that the person's angry temperament does not override your need to carve out space for yourself as well<ref name="rf15">http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/pub/feap/work-life/newsletters/assertive-communication.pdf</ref>.

*If the person is too angry for a calm discussion, try writing an email or handwriting a letter. This will give you more control over how you come off<ref name="rf16">http://www.ombuds.unc.edu/downloads/Informal%20Conflict%20Resolution%20Strategies.pdf</ref>.