Difference between revisions of "Deal with Guilt"
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| − | Guilt is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences at some point or another. However, for many people, intense or chronic feelings of guilt or shame cause great distress. Proportionate guilt is guilt for an action, decision, or other wrongdoing for which you must take responsibility, and that other people may have been negatively affected by. This is the healthy guilt that can spur you to correct wrongdoings, creating social cohesion and a shared sense of responsibility. Disproportionate guilt, on the other hand, is guilt for things that you cannot take responsibility for, like other people's actions and well-being, and things you cannot control, like the outcomes of most situations. This type of guilt causes us to dwell on our perceived failures, creating shame and resentment.<ref> https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/guilt</ref> Whether your guilt comes from a past wrongdoing or arises incidentally, there are steps you can take to resolve these feelings. | + | Guilt is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences at some point or another. However, for many people, intense or chronic feelings of guilt or shame cause great distress. Proportionate guilt is guilt for an action, decision, or other wrongdoing for which you must take responsibility, and that other people may have been negatively affected by. This is the healthy guilt that can spur you to correct wrongdoings, creating social cohesion and a shared sense of responsibility. Disproportionate guilt, on the other hand, is guilt for things that you cannot take responsibility for, like other people's actions and well-being, and things you cannot control, like the outcomes of most situations. This type of guilt causes us to dwell on our perceived failures, creating shame and resentment.<ref name="rf1"> https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/guilt</ref> Whether your guilt comes from a past wrongdoing or arises incidentally, there are steps you can take to resolve these feelings. |
[[Category:Guilt and Forgiveness]] | [[Category:Guilt and Forgiveness]] | ||
== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
=== Dealing with Proportionate Guilt === | === Dealing with Proportionate Guilt === | ||
| − | #Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. <ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/</ref> Guilt is a useful emotion when it is helping us grow and learn from our behavior that has been offensive or hurtful to ourselves or others. When guilt arises from hurting another or having a negative impact that could have been prevented, we are being signaled to change that behavior (or else risk the consequences). This guilt, "proportionate” guilt can be a guide for redirecting behavior and adjusting our sense of what's acceptable and what isn't. | + | #Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. <ref name="rf2">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/</ref> Guilt is a useful emotion when it is helping us grow and learn from our behavior that has been offensive or hurtful to ourselves or others. When guilt arises from hurting another or having a negative impact that could have been prevented, we are being signaled to change that behavior (or else risk the consequences). This guilt, "proportionate” guilt can be a guide for redirecting behavior and adjusting our sense of what's acceptable and what isn't. |
#*For example, if your guilt is from spreading rumors about a co-worker so that you will get a promotion in their place, you'll feel '''proportionate''' guilt. If you simply got this promotion for being more qualified and ''feel guilty anyway'', then you are dealing with '''disproportionate''' guilt. | #*For example, if your guilt is from spreading rumors about a co-worker so that you will get a promotion in their place, you'll feel '''proportionate''' guilt. If you simply got this promotion for being more qualified and ''feel guilty anyway'', then you are dealing with '''disproportionate''' guilt. | ||
| − | #Forgive yourself. Forgiving oneself, like forgiving another, can be a difficult process. Steps that are important in the process of self-forgiveness include:<ref>http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/18/2/137#ref-14</ref> | + | #Forgive yourself. Forgiving oneself, like forgiving another, can be a difficult process. Steps that are important in the process of self-forgiveness include:<ref name="rf3">http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/18/2/137#ref-14</ref> |
#*Acknowledgement of the actual hurt caused without exaggerating ''or'' minimizing what happened. | #*Acknowledgement of the actual hurt caused without exaggerating ''or'' minimizing what happened. | ||
#*Addressing the degree to which you were responsible for this harm – there may have been something you could have done differently, but you may not be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibility can prolong guilt longer than necessary. | #*Addressing the degree to which you were responsible for this harm – there may have been something you could have done differently, but you may not be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibility can prolong guilt longer than necessary. | ||
#*Understanding your state of mind at the time of the harmful action(s) | #*Understanding your state of mind at the time of the harmful action(s) | ||
#*Dialogue with the other(s) who were negatively impacted by your actions. A heartfelt apology can go a long way. It is important that you and the other(s) know that you are aware of the damage done and are clear on what actions will be taken (if any) over and above apologizing. | #*Dialogue with the other(s) who were negatively impacted by your actions. A heartfelt apology can go a long way. It is important that you and the other(s) know that you are aware of the damage done and are clear on what actions will be taken (if any) over and above apologizing. | ||
| − | #Make amends or changes as soon as possible. Staying guilty instead of making necessary repairs or amends is how we punish ourselves.<ref>http://www.yorku.ca/dcarveth/guilt.html</ref> Unfortunately, this behavior will only keep you feeling too ashamed to take the action that can really help. Making restorative changes means swallowing your pride and trusting that others will be grateful for your work resolving the source of guilt. | + | #Make amends or changes as soon as possible. Staying guilty instead of making necessary repairs or amends is how we punish ourselves.<ref name="rf4">http://www.yorku.ca/dcarveth/guilt.html</ref> Unfortunately, this behavior will only keep you feeling too ashamed to take the action that can really help. Making restorative changes means swallowing your pride and trusting that others will be grateful for your work resolving the source of guilt. |
#*If apologizing is how you'll make amends, try to avoid justifying what you did or pointing out the parts of the situation that you were not responsible for. Simply recognize the others' pain ''without'' the distraction of extra explanations or attempts to revisit the details of the situation. | #*If apologizing is how you'll make amends, try to avoid justifying what you did or pointing out the parts of the situation that you were not responsible for. Simply recognize the others' pain ''without'' the distraction of extra explanations or attempts to revisit the details of the situation. | ||
#**It may be much easier to apologize for an offhanded remark that caused some pain. But when the behavior has spanned some time, say you ignored your partner's distress about your relationship for years, it will take more honesty and humility. | #**It may be much easier to apologize for an offhanded remark that caused some pain. But when the behavior has spanned some time, say you ignored your partner's distress about your relationship for years, it will take more honesty and humility. | ||
| − | #Start a journal.<ref>http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6496/5-Ways-to-Get-Rid-of-Guilt.html</ref> Writing journal entries about the details, feelings, and memories of the situation can help you learn about yourself and your actions. Working to improve your behavior in the future is a great way to relieve guilt.<ref>Michael J.A. Wohl, Timothy A. Pychyl, Shannon H. Bennett, I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 48, Issue 7, May 2010, Pages 803-808, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.01.029.</ref> Your entries might answer questions like the following<ref>http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ho-to-overcome-guilt-and-forgive-yourself/</ref>: | + | #Start a journal.<ref name="rf5">http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6496/5-Ways-to-Get-Rid-of-Guilt.html</ref> Writing journal entries about the details, feelings, and memories of the situation can help you learn about yourself and your actions. Working to improve your behavior in the future is a great way to relieve guilt.<ref name="rf6">Michael J.A. Wohl, Timothy A. Pychyl, Shannon H. Bennett, I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 48, Issue 7, May 2010, Pages 803-808, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.01.029.</ref> Your entries might answer questions like the following<ref name="rf7">http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ho-to-overcome-guilt-and-forgive-yourself/</ref>: |
#*How did you feel about yourself and everyone involved leading up to, during, and after the situation? | #*How did you feel about yourself and everyone involved leading up to, during, and after the situation? | ||
#*What were your needs at that time, and were they being met? If not, why not? | #*What were your needs at that time, and were they being met? If not, why not? | ||
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#*What are the standards of judgment in this situation? Are they your own values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or coming from an institution like the law? Are these appropriate standards of judgment, and if so, how do you know? | #*What are the standards of judgment in this situation? Are they your own values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or coming from an institution like the law? Are these appropriate standards of judgment, and if so, how do you know? | ||
#Accept you did something wrong, but move on. We know that it's impossible to change the past. So, after spending time learning from your actions and making amends and repairs wherever possible, it is important not to dwell for too long. Remind yourself that the sooner you are done feeling guilty, the sooner you can bring increased focus to other, more current parts of your life. | #Accept you did something wrong, but move on. We know that it's impossible to change the past. So, after spending time learning from your actions and making amends and repairs wherever possible, it is important not to dwell for too long. Remind yourself that the sooner you are done feeling guilty, the sooner you can bring increased focus to other, more current parts of your life. | ||
| − | #*Another benefit of using a journal to deal with guilt is being able to keep track of your feelings to show yourself how quickly guilt can diminish once we attend to it.<ref>Vangelisti, Anita L., and Rhonda J. Sprague. "Guilt and hurt: Similarities, distinctions, and conversational strategies." (1998).</ref> Especially important is making note of how making amends and repairing the situation has changed them. This will help you take pride in your progress and in the legitimate ways that you have used guilt positively. | + | #*Another benefit of using a journal to deal with guilt is being able to keep track of your feelings to show yourself how quickly guilt can diminish once we attend to it.<ref name="rf8">Vangelisti, Anita L., and Rhonda J. Sprague. "Guilt and hurt: Similarities, distinctions, and conversational strategies." (1998).</ref> Especially important is making note of how making amends and repairing the situation has changed them. This will help you take pride in your progress and in the legitimate ways that you have used guilt positively. |
=== Dealing with Disproportionate Guilt === | === Dealing with Disproportionate Guilt === | ||
| − | #Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. <ref | + | #Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. <ref name="rf2" /> Unlike the useful "proportionate" guilt that signals us to right our wrongdoings, disproportionate guilt usually comes from one of the following sources:<ref name="rf9">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt</ref> |
#*Doing better than someone (survivor’s guilt). | #*Doing better than someone (survivor’s guilt). | ||
#*Feeling that you didn’t do enough to help someone. | #*Feeling that you didn’t do enough to help someone. | ||
#*Something that you only ''think'' you did. | #*Something that you only ''think'' you did. | ||
#*Something you didn’t do but that you want to do. | #*Something you didn’t do but that you want to do. | ||
| − | #**Take the example of feeling guilty for getting a promotion. If you spread nasty rumors about a co-worker in order to get it, this guilt is indeed warranted or '''proportionate''' to the action. But, if you simply got this promotion from having earned it and ''feel guilty anyway'', then you are dealing with '''disproportionate''' guilt. This type of guilt serves no rational purpose.<ref | + | #**Take the example of feeling guilty for getting a promotion. If you spread nasty rumors about a co-worker in order to get it, this guilt is indeed warranted or '''proportionate''' to the action. But, if you simply got this promotion from having earned it and ''feel guilty anyway'', then you are dealing with '''disproportionate''' guilt. This type of guilt serves no rational purpose.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Take stock of what you can control versus what you cannot.<ref>de Ridder, Denise TD, et al. "Taking stock of self-control A meta-analysis of how trait self-control relates to a wide range of behaviors." Personality and Social Psychology Review 16.1 (2012): 76-99.</ref> In a journal, write out the things that you truly have total control over. Also include those things you only have partial control. Blaming yourself for a mistake or incident that was only partially in your control means that you're angry at yourself for things that are beyond you. | + | #Take stock of what you can control versus what you cannot.<ref name="rf10">de Ridder, Denise TD, et al. "Taking stock of self-control A meta-analysis of how trait self-control relates to a wide range of behaviors." Personality and Social Psychology Review 16.1 (2012): 76-99.</ref> In a journal, write out the things that you truly have total control over. Also include those things you only have partial control. Blaming yourself for a mistake or incident that was only partially in your control means that you're angry at yourself for things that are beyond you. |
#*Also helpful is to consider that you are not to blame for things you regret ''not'' doing, since you could not possibly have known ''then'' what you know ''now''. You likely made the best judgment available to you at the time. | #*Also helpful is to consider that you are not to blame for things you regret ''not'' doing, since you could not possibly have known ''then'' what you know ''now''. You likely made the best judgment available to you at the time. | ||
#*Remind yourself that you’re not to blame for surviving a tragedy that someone else, even someone close to you did not. | #*Remind yourself that you’re not to blame for surviving a tragedy that someone else, even someone close to you did not. | ||
#*Recognize that you are not ultimately responsible for other people. Even if you have a great deal of love and concern for those in your life, they are charged with stepping up to ensure their own well-being (as you are with yours). | #*Recognize that you are not ultimately responsible for other people. Even if you have a great deal of love and concern for those in your life, they are charged with stepping up to ensure their own well-being (as you are with yours). | ||
| − | #Examine your standards for achievement and helping others. Writing in a journal, ask yourself ask yourself if the behavioral ideals you set for yourself may be too high.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201506/9-ways-talk-yourself-out-unnecessary-guilt</ref> Often times these standards are imposed on us from outside forces which may have helped us gain footing at an early age, but that now are so rigorous and unattainable that they cause great distress. | + | #Examine your standards for achievement and helping others. Writing in a journal, ask yourself ask yourself if the behavioral ideals you set for yourself may be too high.<ref name="rf11">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201506/9-ways-talk-yourself-out-unnecessary-guilt</ref> Often times these standards are imposed on us from outside forces which may have helped us gain footing at an early age, but that now are so rigorous and unattainable that they cause great distress. |
| − | #*This also involves acknowledging the your right to protect and stand up for your own self-interests. Since we often feel guilty for not bending over backwards for others or sacrificing something we hold dear (like free time or our own space), this is a crucial part of overcoming guilt.<ref>http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/3/199?ijkey=72a676852d0fdb6a26cbe536487cc790734ff9f4&keytype2=tf_ipsecsha</ref> Remind yourself to accept that people’s interests may conflict, and that this is natural. No one is at fault for earnestly seeking to fulfill their own needs. | + | #*This also involves acknowledging the your right to protect and stand up for your own self-interests. Since we often feel guilty for not bending over backwards for others or sacrificing something we hold dear (like free time or our own space), this is a crucial part of overcoming guilt.<ref name="rf12">http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/3/199?ijkey=72a676852d0fdb6a26cbe536487cc790734ff9f4&keytype2=tf_ipsecsha</ref> Remind yourself to accept that people’s interests may conflict, and that this is natural. No one is at fault for earnestly seeking to fulfill their own needs. |
| − | #Focus on quality, not quantity when helping others. Guilt often stems from thinking that we are not being sensitive enough to others.<ref | + | #Focus on quality, not quantity when helping others. Guilt often stems from thinking that we are not being sensitive enough to others.<ref name="rf9" /> And, since you only have so much of yourself to give, remember that the quality of your help will diminish if you are trying too hard to help ''all the time'' or help ''everyone you care about'' all the time, no matter what. |
#*To avoid this type of guilt, be more aware of situations when it is truly ''you'' who must step in. Being discerning about the moments you offer help will give you a healthier sense of how much responsibility you have for others, diminishing guilt automatically. It will also improve the quality of your help, making you more aware of the good you ''are'' doing rather than what other things you ''could'' be doing. | #*To avoid this type of guilt, be more aware of situations when it is truly ''you'' who must step in. Being discerning about the moments you offer help will give you a healthier sense of how much responsibility you have for others, diminishing guilt automatically. It will also improve the quality of your help, making you more aware of the good you ''are'' doing rather than what other things you ''could'' be doing. | ||
| − | #Seek acceptance and compassion through mindfulness.<ref | + | #Seek acceptance and compassion through mindfulness.<ref name="rf12" /> Mindfulness and meditative practices can help you learn to observe your own mental processes, including the tendencies that keep guilt going, like self-blame and excessive self-criticism.<ref name="rf3" /> Once you learn to observe these processes, you can start being more compassionate toward yourself, recognizing that these thoughts need not be taken seriously or acted upon.<ref name="rf13">http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/2012/09/letting-go-of-the-past-with-mindfulness-meditation-part-1/</ref> |
#*It can also be helpful to maintain close contact with loved ones who accept you as you are and display unconditional compassion for you. By seeing others treat you this way, it will be easier to develop this attitude toward yourself. However, '''you''' are responsible for self-acceptance and self-compassion, and this can be done with or without help. | #*It can also be helpful to maintain close contact with loved ones who accept you as you are and display unconditional compassion for you. By seeing others treat you this way, it will be easier to develop this attitude toward yourself. However, '''you''' are responsible for self-acceptance and self-compassion, and this can be done with or without help. | ||
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
| − | *Don't be a perfectionist about your guilt! As long as you're not overtaken with these feelings, some guilt can help you strive to act with honesty, integrity, and care for others.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201309/guilt-isn-t-all-bad</ref> | + | *Don't be a perfectionist about your guilt! As long as you're not overtaken with these feelings, some guilt can help you strive to act with honesty, integrity, and care for others.<ref name="rf14">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201309/guilt-isn-t-all-bad</ref> |
* Only think positive thoughts. You maybe have done a lot of hurtful things to others and to yourself, but the only solution is to forgive yourself and to move on. If you've already apologized to them and they haven't accepted your apology, you must give them space. If you keep apologizing and they still haven't accepted, it will only make you feel worse. Learn from your mistakes. The next time you are doing something that might be hurtful, think before doing it. | * Only think positive thoughts. You maybe have done a lot of hurtful things to others and to yourself, but the only solution is to forgive yourself and to move on. If you've already apologized to them and they haven't accepted your apology, you must give them space. If you keep apologizing and they still haven't accepted, it will only make you feel worse. Learn from your mistakes. The next time you are doing something that might be hurtful, think before doing it. | ||
* You should always forgive yourself to feel better. | * You should always forgive yourself to feel better. | ||
== Warnings == | == Warnings == | ||
| − | *Negative effects of guilt include lowered self esteem, self-criticism, and other emotional blocks. If you detect these problems, it may be a sign that you are not yet finished dealing with your guilt.<ref>Watson, Paul J., Ronald J. Morris, and Ralph W. Hood. "Sin and self-functioning: II. Grace, guilt, and psychological adjustment." Journal of Psychology and Theology (1988).</ref> | + | *Negative effects of guilt include lowered self esteem, self-criticism, and other emotional blocks. If you detect these problems, it may be a sign that you are not yet finished dealing with your guilt.<ref name="rf15">Watson, Paul J., Ronald J. Morris, and Ralph W. Hood. "Sin and self-functioning: II. Grace, guilt, and psychological adjustment." Journal of Psychology and Theology (1988).</ref> |
== Related Articles == | == Related Articles == | ||
