Difference between revisions of "Deal With an Insecure Person"
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#*Act as a reminder when they seem to be focusing on the negative, and try to redirect their thoughts to positive things. For example, "I know those people can be mean, but remember that you have my support, and the support of your friends." | #*Act as a reminder when they seem to be focusing on the negative, and try to redirect their thoughts to positive things. For example, "I know those people can be mean, but remember that you have my support, and the support of your friends." | ||
#*If the conversation appears fixated on the negative, refocus the conversation on something positive that you see in them or neutral topic of conversation. Consider complimenting them for something. Or discuss topics of mutual interests such as movies, sports, or other activities. | #*If the conversation appears fixated on the negative, refocus the conversation on something positive that you see in them or neutral topic of conversation. Consider complimenting them for something. Or discuss topics of mutual interests such as movies, sports, or other activities. | ||
| − | #Avoid spending too much time on emotionally draining people. Insecure people can be emotionally draining, and seem to make you feel more tired afterwards. They may act dependent on you for all their needs. Avoid feeling like their caretaker, and set boundaries.<ref>http://www.cognitivehealing.com/personal-growth/how-to-develop-healthy-boundaries-in-codependent-relationship/</ref> | + | #Avoid spending too much time on emotionally draining people. Insecure people can be emotionally draining, and seem to make you feel more tired afterwards. They may act dependent on you for all their needs. Avoid feeling like their caretaker, and set boundaries.<ref name="rf1">http://www.cognitivehealing.com/personal-growth/how-to-develop-healthy-boundaries-in-codependent-relationship/</ref> |
#*Motivate them to find ways to cope without you always there. | #*Motivate them to find ways to cope without you always there. | ||
#*Set specific times when you'll talk and meet. Instead of avoiding them completing, make sure to set times that work for you and them. | #*Set specific times when you'll talk and meet. Instead of avoiding them completing, make sure to set times that work for you and them. | ||
#*Be clear and polite that you need to have some space, but that doesn't mean you don't care for them. Explain to them how personal space or time away from each other can be healthy at times. | #*Be clear and polite that you need to have some space, but that doesn't mean you don't care for them. Explain to them how personal space or time away from each other can be healthy at times. | ||
#*Remind them that you can't be solely responsible for making them feel better. That's too much for one person. Not only is that emotionally exhausting, but you may inadvertently enable them to depend on you 24/7. | #*Remind them that you can't be solely responsible for making them feel better. That's too much for one person. Not only is that emotionally exhausting, but you may inadvertently enable them to depend on you 24/7. | ||
| − | #Explore trust issues with a jealous partner. You may have a partner or a spouse that appears to act jealous and insecure. They may seem to act irrationally or fearful that you'll leave them. Provide reassurance and define ways to keep the relationship healthy.<ref> http://bottomlineinc.com/how-to-handle-a-jealous-partner/</ref> | + | #Explore trust issues with a jealous partner. You may have a partner or a spouse that appears to act jealous and insecure. They may seem to act irrationally or fearful that you'll leave them. Provide reassurance and define ways to keep the relationship healthy.<ref name="rf2"> http://bottomlineinc.com/how-to-handle-a-jealous-partner/</ref> |
#*When a jealous person comes forward with accusations, provide reassurance rather than getting upset. | #*When a jealous person comes forward with accusations, provide reassurance rather than getting upset. | ||
#*Demonstrate how you plan to stay committed and faithful, but that for the relationship to work it must be built on trust. | #*Demonstrate how you plan to stay committed and faithful, but that for the relationship to work it must be built on trust. | ||
#*Explore any past issues that your partner has had with feeling rejected, unloved, or lied to by former partners, friends, or family. | #*Explore any past issues that your partner has had with feeling rejected, unloved, or lied to by former partners, friends, or family. | ||
#*Encourage a sense of independence in your partner. Find ways to encourage them to have an independent life rather than fixating on yours. Help them to find personal goals that are fulfilling for them. | #*Encourage a sense of independence in your partner. Find ways to encourage them to have an independent life rather than fixating on yours. Help them to find personal goals that are fulfilling for them. | ||
| − | #Be in control of your own emotions. Recognize when insecure people are making you feel anxious, upset, sad, or frustrated. If you are feeling unable to talk with or help someone who is feeling insecure, take a step back and assess what might be best for you.<ref>https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/</ref> | + | #Be in control of your own emotions. Recognize when insecure people are making you feel anxious, upset, sad, or frustrated. If you are feeling unable to talk with or help someone who is feeling insecure, take a step back and assess what might be best for you.<ref name="rf3">https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/</ref> |
#*If you feel like they are stressing you out, politely tell them that you need to talk with them later and hope to have a better conversation then. | #*If you feel like they are stressing you out, politely tell them that you need to talk with them later and hope to have a better conversation then. | ||
#*Take a break from whatever or whoever is bothering you. It can be as simple as getting some physical distance from the situation for a few minutes or more until you feel calmer. Try saying something like, "I know you're feeling anxious, and I'm here for you. Right now I need to take a break to unwind a bit. I'll be ready to help you again in an hour." | #*Take a break from whatever or whoever is bothering you. It can be as simple as getting some physical distance from the situation for a few minutes or more until you feel calmer. Try saying something like, "I know you're feeling anxious, and I'm here for you. Right now I need to take a break to unwind a bit. I'll be ready to help you again in an hour." | ||
===Providing Reassurance and Support=== | ===Providing Reassurance and Support=== | ||
| − | #Understand their perspective. People who struggle with insecurity often feel anxious about work, school, friends, family, or their own self-image. It can seem to come out of nowhere, or it may be triggered by past negative events. Be open and willing to listen.<ref>http://www.psychalive.org/how-to-overcome-insecurity/</ref> | + | #Understand their perspective. People who struggle with insecurity often feel anxious about work, school, friends, family, or their own self-image. It can seem to come out of nowhere, or it may be triggered by past negative events. Be open and willing to listen.<ref name="rf4">http://www.psychalive.org/how-to-overcome-insecurity/</ref> |
#*Listen to what's bothering them. Things that seem small to you might actually be bigger, deeper issues for them. For example, if the person is worried about the shoes they're wearing, this insecurity might reflect a larger anxiety about whether they fit in with their peers. | #*Listen to what's bothering them. Things that seem small to you might actually be bigger, deeper issues for them. For example, if the person is worried about the shoes they're wearing, this insecurity might reflect a larger anxiety about whether they fit in with their peers. | ||
#*Be non-judgmental. Try to understand how they may feel, and what you might need if you were in their shoes. | #*Be non-judgmental. Try to understand how they may feel, and what you might need if you were in their shoes. | ||
#*If they are hesitant to talk with you, consider just saying a few words to show you understand their feelings, such as "I'm sorry about what you're feeling" or "That sounds tough." | #*If they are hesitant to talk with you, consider just saying a few words to show you understand their feelings, such as "I'm sorry about what you're feeling" or "That sounds tough." | ||
| − | #Be kind and respectful. While some insecure people may come off as rude or cold, avoid letting your own insecurities or judgments play out. Be kind, polite, and respectful. While it may be difficult to be this way at times, it will make it easier in the long run to deal with someone who is feeling insecure or unappreciated.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201602/4-ways-deal-insecure-people</ref> | + | #Be kind and respectful. While some insecure people may come off as rude or cold, avoid letting your own insecurities or judgments play out. Be kind, polite, and respectful. While it may be difficult to be this way at times, it will make it easier in the long run to deal with someone who is feeling insecure or unappreciated.<ref name="rf5">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201602/4-ways-deal-insecure-people</ref> |
#*Use body language that indicates you're willing to help and listen. Maintain eye contact and give your full attention. | #*Use body language that indicates you're willing to help and listen. Maintain eye contact and give your full attention. | ||
#*Smile and be open to talking with them about what's bothering them. | #*Smile and be open to talking with them about what's bothering them. | ||
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#*Spend time with them one-on-one if possible. You may be able to see what's bothering them in a more real way. Insecure people are less likely to be open and honest in larger crowds. | #*Spend time with them one-on-one if possible. You may be able to see what's bothering them in a more real way. Insecure people are less likely to be open and honest in larger crowds. | ||
#*Consider asking them to do things with you and your friends. Make them feel included. | #*Consider asking them to do things with you and your friends. Make them feel included. | ||
| − | #Provide reassurance and empathy. Show that you care with your words and actions. Demonstrate that you are emotionally connected to their feelings and insecurities in a genuine way.<ref | + | #Provide reassurance and empathy. Show that you care with your words and actions. Demonstrate that you are emotionally connected to their feelings and insecurities in a genuine way.<ref name="rf5" /> |
#*Say things like, "Just know that I'm here for you and care about you" or "I know you can overcome what you're facing. You're a strong person." | #*Say things like, "Just know that I'm here for you and care about you" or "I know you can overcome what you're facing. You're a strong person." | ||
#*If this person is a close friend, family member, or partner, consider giving hugs or other forms of affection as appropriate. Only hug them after asking first and if they are open to this. | #*If this person is a close friend, family member, or partner, consider giving hugs or other forms of affection as appropriate. Only hug them after asking first and if they are open to this. | ||
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#[[Help-Someone-With-Low-Self-Esteem|Encourage them to work on their own self-esteem]]. While you can try to boost the person’s self-esteem with compliments and by being a supportive friend, the person will also need to do some work to [[Develop-Self‐Esteem|develop their own self-esteem]]. Try to encourage your friend to work on their self-esteem by providing examples of what has worked for you. | #[[Help-Someone-With-Low-Self-Esteem|Encourage them to work on their own self-esteem]]. While you can try to boost the person’s self-esteem with compliments and by being a supportive friend, the person will also need to do some work to [[Develop-Self‐Esteem|develop their own self-esteem]]. Try to encourage your friend to work on their self-esteem by providing examples of what has worked for you. | ||
#*For example, you might encourage your friend to [[Use-Affirmations-Effectively|try daily self-affirmations]] and say something like, "When I'm having a crummy day or feeling low, I like to boost myself up with mirror compliments. I start by looking at myself in a mirror and then I find one nice thing to say to myself, like ‘My hair looks so full and shiny today! I love it!’" | #*For example, you might encourage your friend to [[Use-Affirmations-Effectively|try daily self-affirmations]] and say something like, "When I'm having a crummy day or feeling low, I like to boost myself up with mirror compliments. I start by looking at myself in a mirror and then I find one nice thing to say to myself, like ‘My hair looks so full and shiny today! I love it!’" | ||
| − | #See how the insecurities impact themselves and others. Insecurities can come out in a variety of unhealthy ways. Sometimes people will act rude, jealous, or controlling. Some insecure people may lack insight into how their behaviors are damaging to themselves or others. Try to understand how insecure people impact you and others in these ways:<ref>http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20150717-truly-mean-or-just-insecure</ref> | + | #See how the insecurities impact themselves and others. Insecurities can come out in a variety of unhealthy ways. Sometimes people will act rude, jealous, or controlling. Some insecure people may lack insight into how their behaviors are damaging to themselves or others. Try to understand how insecure people impact you and others in these ways:<ref name="rf6">http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20150717-truly-mean-or-just-insecure</ref> |
#*Relationships. Do you feel your partner is needy, dependent, controlling, or untrustworthy? Help them to be less dependent and more trusting. | #*Relationships. Do you feel your partner is needy, dependent, controlling, or untrustworthy? Help them to be less dependent and more trusting. | ||
#*Work. Do you feel your co-workers are manipulative, rude, or jealous of you? Help them to find positive things in the workplace, and be friendly. | #*Work. Do you feel your co-workers are manipulative, rude, or jealous of you? Help them to find positive things in the workplace, and be friendly. | ||
#*Family and Home. Do you feel like your family or relatives are judgmental, paranoid, rude to others, or constantly depressed? Help to reduce anxiety and stress in the home by being a role model. | #*Family and Home. Do you feel like your family or relatives are judgmental, paranoid, rude to others, or constantly depressed? Help to reduce anxiety and stress in the home by being a role model. | ||
| − | #Focus on the positive. Insecure people often focus a lot more on the negative aspects of their lives such as a lack of love, support, money, or appreciation. They feel like they've been victimized (and maybe they have in the past). Give them positive things to focus on.<ref>http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/</ref> | + | #Focus on the positive. Insecure people often focus a lot more on the negative aspects of their lives such as a lack of love, support, money, or appreciation. They feel like they've been victimized (and maybe they have in the past). Give them positive things to focus on.<ref name="rf7">http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/</ref> |
#*Keep conversations positive and light. Avoid topics that could lead to a venting session or more negative talk. | #*Keep conversations positive and light. Avoid topics that could lead to a venting session or more negative talk. | ||
#*Remind them of things that are positive or encouraging. It could be a positive quote, a cat video, pictures of family or friends, or other things that boost their spirits. | #*Remind them of things that are positive or encouraging. It could be a positive quote, a cat video, pictures of family or friends, or other things that boost their spirits. | ||
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#*For example, say things like, "That meal you made was fantastic" or "You seem to really know a lot about baseball" or "You are such a great artist." | #*For example, say things like, "That meal you made was fantastic" or "You seem to really know a lot about baseball" or "You are such a great artist." | ||
#*Let them know that you notice the little things that they do well. Often the ordinary and daily tasks can be overlooked, but a reminder that they do things well can be reassuring. For example, "Thanks for helping me understand that math problem" or "Thanks for giving me a ride" or "You are so organized with your calendar." | #*Let them know that you notice the little things that they do well. Often the ordinary and daily tasks can be overlooked, but a reminder that they do things well can be reassuring. For example, "Thanks for helping me understand that math problem" or "Thanks for giving me a ride" or "You are so organized with your calendar." | ||
| − | #Encourage them to find activities they enjoy. Insecure people may feel like everyone's against them or that they have little to offer. Help them to find activities that they enjoy. Encourage them to find things that are uniquely interesting to them, rather than just going along with others. Consider activities such as:<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship?page=2</ref> | + | #Encourage them to find activities they enjoy. Insecure people may feel like everyone's against them or that they have little to offer. Help them to find activities that they enjoy. Encourage them to find things that are uniquely interesting to them, rather than just going along with others. Consider activities such as:<ref name="rf8">http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship?page=2</ref> |
#*Intramural sports, fitness classes, or outdoor clubs | #*Intramural sports, fitness classes, or outdoor clubs | ||
#*Art or music classes | #*Art or music classes | ||
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#*If at work, talk with a supervisor or colleague about if they can offer additional support. | #*If at work, talk with a supervisor or colleague about if they can offer additional support. | ||
#*If at home, talk with other relatives or friends for advice. | #*If at home, talk with other relatives or friends for advice. | ||
| − | #Encourage them to talk with a counselor. Insecure people may feel like they have a limited support system, or don't trust those around them. They may have difficulty with coping, and instead use unhealthy ways to cope. Approach them about talking with a counselor as a way to cope with what's bothering them.<ref>http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/esteem.html</ref> | + | #Encourage them to talk with a counselor. Insecure people may feel like they have a limited support system, or don't trust those around them. They may have difficulty with coping, and instead use unhealthy ways to cope. Approach them about talking with a counselor as a way to cope with what's bothering them.<ref name="rf9">http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/esteem.html</ref> |
#*Remind them that counselors are non-judgmental and focus on providing support and healing. | #*Remind them that counselors are non-judgmental and focus on providing support and healing. | ||
#*Help them to find counselors through their school, community, or place of worship. Help them to normalize going to counseling for support. | #*Help them to find counselors through their school, community, or place of worship. Help them to normalize going to counseling for support. | ||
#*See if there are support groups available, depending on the issue or insecure that they're facing. | #*See if there are support groups available, depending on the issue or insecure that they're facing. | ||
| − | #Identify other supports available to help them. Make sure that an insecure person knows that they're not alone. Show them that people care about them. Encourage them to connect more with the supportive people in their lives.<ref | + | #Identify other supports available to help them. Make sure that an insecure person knows that they're not alone. Show them that people care about them. Encourage them to connect more with the supportive people in their lives.<ref name="rf8" /> |
#*Reach out to positive and supportive people. Discuss with those supportive people that more encouragement is needed for those who are feeling insecure. | #*Reach out to positive and supportive people. Discuss with those supportive people that more encouragement is needed for those who are feeling insecure. | ||
#*Help them focus on ways to feel included. Encourage them to do new and different things. Find people who can go with them, so they feel less alone or anxious. | #*Help them focus on ways to feel included. Encourage them to do new and different things. Find people who can go with them, so they feel less alone or anxious. | ||
