Difference between revisions of "Deal With an Ex Boyfriend Who Wants More Space"
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#*You might never know why. Focus on your own wants and needs and getting yourself on a more positive path. | #*You might never know why. Focus on your own wants and needs and getting yourself on a more positive path. | ||
#Clarify finality. You need to know if he intends to return to you. Be purposeful in your communication and conduct and ask him, “I know you don’t want to leave me hanging because that would be a cruel thing to do, so is this final? Are you never coming back? I need to know for my own health. I would appreciate a truthful answer even if it’s going to sting.” | #Clarify finality. You need to know if he intends to return to you. Be purposeful in your communication and conduct and ask him, “I know you don’t want to leave me hanging because that would be a cruel thing to do, so is this final? Are you never coming back? I need to know for my own health. I would appreciate a truthful answer even if it’s going to sting.” | ||
| − | #Consider your compatibility.<ref>http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/5-ways-to-find-out-if-you-are-truly-compatible-with-your-love/</ref> This may be an occasion when you are simply not compatible. Take inventory of the qualities that attract you to another person. It’s not only physical qualities. The list includes but is not limited to: values, ethics, having children, managing money, drug and alcohol use, ambition, kindness, and how he treats his mother. | + | #Consider your compatibility.<ref name="rf1">http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/5-ways-to-find-out-if-you-are-truly-compatible-with-your-love/</ref> This may be an occasion when you are simply not compatible. Take inventory of the qualities that attract you to another person. It’s not only physical qualities. The list includes but is not limited to: values, ethics, having children, managing money, drug and alcohol use, ambition, kindness, and how he treats his mother. |
#*Once the immediate shock of the situation has lessened, make a list of qualities you look for in a person with whom you would have a relationship. | #*Once the immediate shock of the situation has lessened, make a list of qualities you look for in a person with whom you would have a relationship. | ||
#*Read the list to a close friend or family member that you trust to assess if you are being realistic. A dose of reality might be just what you need. | #*Read the list to a close friend or family member that you trust to assess if you are being realistic. A dose of reality might be just what you need. | ||
| − | #Let off some steam. A lot of pressure builds up and you need to release some of the burden to manage your emotions. Suggestions such as physical exercise, dancing, writing, swimming and kite flying will help reduce the stress you are feeling.<ref>http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469</ref> | + | #Let off some steam. A lot of pressure builds up and you need to release some of the burden to manage your emotions. Suggestions such as physical exercise, dancing, writing, swimming and kite flying will help reduce the stress you are feeling.<ref name="rf2">http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469</ref> |
#*If you choose an unhealthy way to blow off steam, forgive yourself and move on. | #*If you choose an unhealthy way to blow off steam, forgive yourself and move on. | ||
#*Focus on keeping yourself safe and be kind to yourself. You’re going through a lot so don't make things more difficult. | #*Focus on keeping yourself safe and be kind to yourself. You’re going through a lot so don't make things more difficult. | ||
===Grieving the Loss=== | ===Grieving the Loss=== | ||
| − | #Work the process. Most people are taught how to acquire things, but very few people are taught how to lose something. Grief is a complex emotion that manifests in different ways. There's no one "right" or "wrong" way to [[Mourn|mourn]] a significant loss, such as the loss of a relationship.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/201308/how-act-after-break-5-things-remember</ref> | + | #Work the process. Most people are taught how to acquire things, but very few people are taught how to lose something. Grief is a complex emotion that manifests in different ways. There's no one "right" or "wrong" way to [[Mourn|mourn]] a significant loss, such as the loss of a relationship.<ref name="rf3">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/201308/how-act-after-break-5-things-remember</ref> |
| − | #*Grief is an individual journey. Everyone experiences it differently.<ref>http://www.csub.edu/~rhewett/english99/Howarth.pdf</ref> | + | #*Grief is an individual journey. Everyone experiences it differently.<ref name="rf4">http://www.csub.edu/~rhewett/english99/Howarth.pdf</ref> |
#* Don’t rush yourself and don’t allow others to rush you through your grief. | #* Don’t rush yourself and don’t allow others to rush you through your grief. | ||
#*You may find it helpful to give yourself a "time limit" to grieve. This should not be intended to make you feel guilty about your emotions, but to help you recognize that there is life beyond this loss, and that you'll be okay. | #*You may find it helpful to give yourself a "time limit" to grieve. This should not be intended to make you feel guilty about your emotions, but to help you recognize that there is life beyond this loss, and that you'll be okay. | ||
| − | #Determine the emotional need he fulfilled. There are basic needs that most people have, including the need to love; the need to be loved; and the need to belong.<ref>http://persweb.wabash.edu/facstaff/hortonr/articles%20for%20class/baumeister%20and%20leary.pdf</ref> Your ex-boyfriend fulfilled some of your needs, but he is not and will not be the only one with whom you find fulfillment. | + | #Determine the emotional need he fulfilled. There are basic needs that most people have, including the need to love; the need to be loved; and the need to belong.<ref name="rf5">http://persweb.wabash.edu/facstaff/hortonr/articles%20for%20class/baumeister%20and%20leary.pdf</ref> Your ex-boyfriend fulfilled some of your needs, but he is not and will not be the only one with whom you find fulfillment. |
#*Did he make you feel pretty? Did he help you feel not so alone in the world? Did he make you laugh? Find an alternative way to meet your needs. | #*Did he make you feel pretty? Did he help you feel not so alone in the world? Did he make you laugh? Find an alternative way to meet your needs. | ||
| − | #*Introspection is the process of directly attempting to access your own internal processes.<ref>http://psychologydictionary.org/introspection/</ref> Figure out how and why you react to the people and things around you, and you will be able to help yourself solve many personal struggles. Only you can do the work to answers to these questions. | + | #*Introspection is the process of directly attempting to access your own internal processes.<ref name="rf6">http://psychologydictionary.org/introspection/</ref> Figure out how and why you react to the people and things around you, and you will be able to help yourself solve many personal struggles. Only you can do the work to answers to these questions. |
#Appreciate the positive qualities and learning experiences. There are some who believe that people come into your life to teach you something. Each experience prepares us to be smarter and more in tune with what we want out of life. | #Appreciate the positive qualities and learning experiences. There are some who believe that people come into your life to teach you something. Each experience prepares us to be smarter and more in tune with what we want out of life. | ||
#*Sit down and make a list of the things you learned from your ex-boyfriend. | #*Sit down and make a list of the things you learned from your ex-boyfriend. | ||
#*Write about the positive things that happened too. It is easy to only see the negative when you are in the midst of all the pain; but no relationship is all bad. | #*Write about the positive things that happened too. It is easy to only see the negative when you are in the midst of all the pain; but no relationship is all bad. | ||
#Say goodbye. There is a purpose to the ceremonies we follow when something ends. Graduations, funerals, closing ceremonies – they all provide an end point. They allow us to get closure, emotional resolve, for something we’ve been through. Creating a good-bye ceremony will help complete your relationship with the pain. | #Say goodbye. There is a purpose to the ceremonies we follow when something ends. Graduations, funerals, closing ceremonies – they all provide an end point. They allow us to get closure, emotional resolve, for something we’ve been through. Creating a good-bye ceremony will help complete your relationship with the pain. | ||
| − | #*Write a letter to the person, but do not send it. Include all the significant emotional experiences you shared. Thank him for the good times, and the bad. Express the anger. Tell him, "I no longer need the pain that I am feeling so I am giving it back to you. Good-bye."<ref>https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/books/grief-recovery-handbook</ref> | + | #*Write a letter to the person, but do not send it. Include all the significant emotional experiences you shared. Thank him for the good times, and the bad. Express the anger. Tell him, "I no longer need the pain that I am feeling so I am giving it back to you. Good-bye."<ref name="rf7">https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/books/grief-recovery-handbook</ref> |
| − | #*Read the letter out loud to yourself or to a trusted friend or family member, then burn the letter in a safe place. Fire is a form of cleansing and can allow the energy of your turmoil to change.<ref | + | #*Read the letter out loud to yourself or to a trusted friend or family member, then burn the letter in a safe place. Fire is a form of cleansing and can allow the energy of your turmoil to change.<ref name="rf7" /> |
#* If you decide to allow him back into your life, the emotional work you do will always be worth it. You can use these skills for the rest of your life. | #* If you decide to allow him back into your life, the emotional work you do will always be worth it. You can use these skills for the rest of your life. | ||
#Gain perspective. It’s important to keep things in perspective. No one likes to feel small or diminished or ignored by an ex-boyfriend, or by anyone for that matter. Once you see there is life after a break-up or separation, you will be able to release your feelings of upset and shepherd in feelings of relief. You can let it go and re-frame your priorities. | #Gain perspective. It’s important to keep things in perspective. No one likes to feel small or diminished or ignored by an ex-boyfriend, or by anyone for that matter. Once you see there is life after a break-up or separation, you will be able to release your feelings of upset and shepherd in feelings of relief. You can let it go and re-frame your priorities. | ||
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===Enriching Your Present=== | ===Enriching Your Present=== | ||
#Fight insecurities. Rejection is tough. It causes you to question yourself in detrimental ways. You might feel like there is something wrong with you, no one likes you and somehow you are defective. You can quickly render yourself unimportant and invisible. While these might be somewhat normal thoughts, you’ve got to find a way to stop them. | #Fight insecurities. Rejection is tough. It causes you to question yourself in detrimental ways. You might feel like there is something wrong with you, no one likes you and somehow you are defective. You can quickly render yourself unimportant and invisible. While these might be somewhat normal thoughts, you’ve got to find a way to stop them. | ||
| − | #*If you catch yourself thinking these things pause and say, “These thoughts are occurring because I've just been hurt. There is nothing wrong with me. I am a kind, good person whom others love.”<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/08/5-things-to-do-when-you-feel-insecure/</ref><ref>http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/health/factsheets/catch.pdf</ref> | + | #*If you catch yourself thinking these things pause and say, “These thoughts are occurring because I've just been hurt. There is nothing wrong with me. I am a kind, good person whom others love.”<ref name="rf8">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/08/5-things-to-do-when-you-feel-insecure/</ref><ref name="rf9">http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/health/factsheets/catch.pdf</ref> |
#*Catalog a mental list of your good qualities. Remember your accomplishments and allow those thoughts to fill your mind and push out negative thoughts. | #*Catalog a mental list of your good qualities. Remember your accomplishments and allow those thoughts to fill your mind and push out negative thoughts. | ||
| − | #Build self-esteem through specific events. Be deliberate. Find out what makes you excel. If you are good at tennis, play it. If you are a great cook, grab a recipe. Whatever it is that you enjoy and find rewarding will help you build your belief in yourself.<ref>http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2594522/</ref> | + | #Build self-esteem through specific events. Be deliberate. Find out what makes you excel. If you are good at tennis, play it. If you are a great cook, grab a recipe. Whatever it is that you enjoy and find rewarding will help you build your belief in yourself.<ref name="rf10">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2594522/</ref> |
| − | #*Stay away from activities that make you feel inferior. If playing with puzzles makes you feel less intelligent, don’t play with them. If you hate the way shopping for a bathing suit makes you feel, wait and buy it later.<ref | + | #*Stay away from activities that make you feel inferior. If playing with puzzles makes you feel less intelligent, don’t play with them. If you hate the way shopping for a bathing suit makes you feel, wait and buy it later.<ref name="rf8" /> |
#*Stay focused and engaged in everything positive for the time being. | #*Stay focused and engaged in everything positive for the time being. | ||
#Explore your options. People are going to tell you there are more fish in the sea. It is perfectly okay if you don’t feel like fishing, but try participating in new activities. There might be yoga classes, horseback riding, or surfing classes that you have put off because you’ve been busy or preoccupied with your ongoing dilemma. Now is as good a time as any. Go for it. | #Explore your options. People are going to tell you there are more fish in the sea. It is perfectly okay if you don’t feel like fishing, but try participating in new activities. There might be yoga classes, horseback riding, or surfing classes that you have put off because you’ve been busy or preoccupied with your ongoing dilemma. Now is as good a time as any. Go for it. | ||
#Seek professional help. You may need help to identify the behaviors you would like to change if you are struggling with doing it yourself. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are available in your local area and can be located through the American Psychological Association. | #Seek professional help. You may need help to identify the behaviors you would like to change if you are struggling with doing it yourself. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are available in your local area and can be located through the American Psychological Association. | ||
===Creating Your Future=== | ===Creating Your Future=== | ||
| − | #Renew your belief in healthy relationships.<ref>http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2891543/</ref> When you feel up to it, reaffirm that you believe in the possibility of having a healthy relationship. It may not be right away. Once you’ve been through a rejecting experience with a significant other and that initial pain is resolving, you can focus on what you really want out of your next relationship. | + | #Renew your belief in healthy relationships.<ref name="rf11">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2891543/</ref> When you feel up to it, reaffirm that you believe in the possibility of having a healthy relationship. It may not be right away. Once you’ve been through a rejecting experience with a significant other and that initial pain is resolving, you can focus on what you really want out of your next relationship. |
#*Look at it as paying honor to yourself and your desires. This will help you affirm that you matter. | #*Look at it as paying honor to yourself and your desires. This will help you affirm that you matter. | ||
#Allow for sad moments. Feel them. Live them. Let them go. They might come out of nowhere when you’re walking down the aisle at the grocery store, or driving down the street or when a song plays that causes an emotional upheaval. These moments happen more frequently at the beginning, but will lessen over time. You went through a traumatic experience and those feelings need to be expressed. | #Allow for sad moments. Feel them. Live them. Let them go. They might come out of nowhere when you’re walking down the aisle at the grocery store, or driving down the street or when a song plays that causes an emotional upheaval. These moments happen more frequently at the beginning, but will lessen over time. You went through a traumatic experience and those feelings need to be expressed. | ||
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#Welcome him back with conditions. If you decide to allow your ex-boyfriend back into your life, make your wishes clear. You’ve had a lot of time to reflect on your wishes, hopes and desires. These priorities need to be discussed. You should be able to reach an agreement with him if he is truly interested in having a committed relationship with you. | #Welcome him back with conditions. If you decide to allow your ex-boyfriend back into your life, make your wishes clear. You’ve had a lot of time to reflect on your wishes, hopes and desires. These priorities need to be discussed. You should be able to reach an agreement with him if he is truly interested in having a committed relationship with you. | ||
#*If he seems hesitant or deceptive in any way, take a step back and evaluate if you really want to risk heartache again with this person. You reserve the right to decline. | #*If he seems hesitant or deceptive in any way, take a step back and evaluate if you really want to risk heartache again with this person. You reserve the right to decline. | ||
| − | #Be self-reliant.<ref>http://www.philosophyoflife.org/jpl201207.pdf</ref> Happiness is an inside job and you are responsible to create it. You know what makes you happy, so participate in activities that will build a reservoir of positive feelings. It is easier to face negative and difficult people if you are filled with good vibes. A happier ''you'' will always make any relationship better. | + | #Be self-reliant.<ref name="rf12">http://www.philosophyoflife.org/jpl201207.pdf</ref> Happiness is an inside job and you are responsible to create it. You know what makes you happy, so participate in activities that will build a reservoir of positive feelings. It is easier to face negative and difficult people if you are filled with good vibes. A happier ''you'' will always make any relationship better. |
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
