Difference between revisions of "Deal With an Evil Ex Boyfriend"

Break-ups are always difficult.  Ending an important relationship activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain, which means that breaking-up with someone you really care about actually hurts.<ref name="rf1">http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/02/how-to-deal-with-your-ex/</ref> Everyone has to go through it, and there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with the pain of trying to move on.  If your ex-boyfriend is taking the latter route by trying to punish or hurt you, the best thing you can do is focus on your health and well-being.   

#Assess the severity of your situation.  If he is physically stalking or harassing you, or has made threats to your physical safety or your quality of life, you may need to involve the police and courts.<ref name="rf2">http://acadv.org/warning-signs/dating-violence/</ref> Each state has different names for this type of court order against personal contact and different rules for issuing one.

#Stop all contact and communication with him.  Even if he initiates it, '''do not respond''' to any calls or messages. This will only encourage him to continue since he succeeded in engaging you. <ref name="rf3">http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=178</ref>

#* If he keeps calling or texting you, change your number and ask the phone company to keep your number unlisted and to block it from appearing on others’ caller ID.  This is not foolproof, but in most instances can be done. <ref name="rf4">http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm#safety</ref>

#* Cut him off from your social media as much as possible.  Sometimes you can’t control this, especially when they are “friends of friends.”  If he is commenting on your mutual friends’ posts, ask them not to tag you and change your privacy setting to friends only.<ref name="rf5">http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/#tab-id-6</ref>   

#Keep a log of every attempt to contact you. This includes attempts to contact you through mutual friends, family members or neighbors.  <ref name="rf3" />

#* To report stalking or threats, you will need to show proof.  Keep any voicemails, texts, or messages he sends you to give the judge.  Download and print out text messages or take screen shots of them to print.  Print emails or messages on social media.<ref name="rf3" />

#Get a protective or restraining order if you feel threatened.  Rules for getting a restraining or protective order from the courts are different in every state, so research your state’s laws. <ref name="rf3" />

#* Some states require a verbal threat of physical harm or verifiable intent to attack in order to get a protective or restraining order issued.  However, your state may also have anti-stalking laws, so research those too.<ref name="rf6">https://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-laws/criminal-stalking-laws-by-state</ref>

#* “No-contact” means that he cannot try to reach you directly or indirectly.  In essence, he can get into more trouble for any attempt to contact you, even through others, or showing up in places you frequent that he has no reason to visit.<ref name="rf7">http://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-a-no-contact-order/</ref>

#* If you don’t have a cell phone, there are programs that may be able to provide you one for free.<ref name="rf4" />

#* If you are not in immediate danger, but feel a threat is imminent and don't know who to talk to, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to get advice or a referral for legal assistance.<ref name="rf8">http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#tab-id-10</ref>

#* Trust your instincts.  It’s always better to be safe than sorry.  Don’t worry about how he will react if you call the police or whether or not you are overreacting.  Put your safety and mental health before any considerations of his feelings, and trust your gut feeling.<ref name="rf9">http://acadv.org/get-help/safety-tips/</ref>

#Tell friends, family and authority figures about your situation.<ref name="rf10"> http://acadv.org/get-help/safety-tips/</ref> Inform your teachers, coaches, school officials, co-workers and bosses about his unwanted attempts to contact you.  If your school or office has security, give them a description and a picture, if possible, with a brief explanation of the situation.<ref name="rf3" />

#* Don’t be embarrassed about it.  It is never your fault that someone else will not leave you alone when told to.  It’s better to admit to others what is going on than to let a lack of knowledge cause serious problems for you or them later.<ref name="rf3" />

#* Always park you vehicle in a well-lit area and get someone to escort you if at all possible.<ref name="rf4" />

#Don’t make it easy for him to find you.  Don’t post your plans or whereabouts on social media beforehand or during.  You can post about events afterwards, but never tag yourself at a geographic location while you are still there.<ref name="rf3" />

#Make a safety plan.  Decide what you will do in the case of any incidents and tell a friend or family member. <ref name="rf3" />

#* Create a verbal or written code you can say or text your safety person if you are in trouble.  Make sure they know that this phrase means to call the police immediately.<ref name="rf4" />   

#Don’t try to refute or counter every untruth.  Choose the important issues to argue.  Don’t try to prove what he says isn’t true, because it is nearly impossible unless he makes specific accusations.  Just say it isn’t true and let it go.  If your history is full of trustworthy examples and integrity, people will believe you.<ref name="rf11">http://www.manipulative-people.com/when-your-character-disordered-ex-defames-and-makes-trouble-for-you/</ref>

#* If someone in your mutual circle is helping spread lies, confront them directly, but without emotion, and ask them to stop gossiping and spreading falsehoods. <ref name="rf11" />  

#Don’t trash talk your ex.  This will only make you look the same in the long run.  Is better to stand up for yourself with integrity and resist gossiping about your ex. <ref name="rf11" />

#Own your mistakes.  Make amends if possible.  Doing so gives you more credibility when refuting untruths and reminds others that everyone is human and makes mistakes.<ref name="rf11" />

#Make sure your actions are not just reactions. Do not act in order to reach a specific outcome—whether to hurt him back or to get others on ‘your’ side. Your first priority should always be what is best for you.<ref name="rf9" />

#Recognize that you can only control your own behavior.  To constantly worry about what he will do next and how he is making your life miserable will only make you feel worse.  It is destructive to focus all your energy externally and not on yourself.<ref name="rf11" />

#Let go of anger and resentment.  These emotions will drain your energy and keep you stuck on your ex and/or the current situation.  Use your energy instead for working towards the future you want for yourself and/or making your present situation more bearable. <ref name="rf12">http://www.helpguide.org/emotional-intelligence-toolkit/step-three.htm</ref>

#* Rather than focus on what he is doing to make you unhappy now, remember why you were with him in the first place.  There was a reason you liked him initially and you probably had some really good times together.<ref name="rf1" />

#* When you feel angry or hurt by something he does, refocus your thoughts toward trying to understand why he acted that way.  Seeing his perspective might make his actions easier to accept and move past.<ref name="rf13">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people</ref>

#Practice compassion instead of judgment. Most people act negatively out of fear—the fear of being disrespected, of not being loved, or of what may go wrong. People also usually cause harm to others because they are feeling bad themselves and want to share it with you.  They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness. <ref name="rf14">http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-be-hurt-less-by-so-called-evil-people/</ref>

#* People hurt others due to ignorance and self-concern. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.<ref name="rf14" />

#* Think about your motivations before you act on any impulses.  Try to acknowledge that your motivations for reacting probably initially stem from these fears or negative thoughts.<ref name="rf13" />  

#Take away his power to hurt you emotionally.  Nothing your ex does can bother you unless you decide to let it.  You can’t control his behavior or what others think about your relationship, but you can decide to not let it ruin your day.<ref name="rf14" />

#* Remember that “evilness” is simply a judgment, and not really a useful one.  Unless he is threatening you with physical violence or has committed a severe transgression against your general well-being, he is probably not inherently a bad person.<ref name="rf14" />

*[[Spot a Pro Social Psychopath]]