Difference between revisions of "Deal With Your Girlfriend Ignoring You"
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#* Have you been through anything difficult recently? Maybe you’ve been demanding more attention from her lately, and she’s having a hard time meeting your needs, which has resulted in her pulling away. | #* Have you been through anything difficult recently? Maybe you’ve been demanding more attention from her lately, and she’s having a hard time meeting your needs, which has resulted in her pulling away. | ||
#Consider that your girlfriend may be depressed. She may be ignoring you, but if she’s struggling with depression, she might not even realize it. | #Consider that your girlfriend may be depressed. She may be ignoring you, but if she’s struggling with depression, she might not even realize it. | ||
| − | #* Signs of depression include difficulties concentrating and making decisions; fatigue; feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and/or worthlessness; insomnia or excessive sleeping; irritability; loss of interest in pleasurable activities such as sex or date nights; overeating or loss of appetite; anxiety; suicidal thoughts and/or destructive behaviour.<ref | + | #* Signs of depression include difficulties concentrating and making decisions; fatigue; feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and/or worthlessness; insomnia or excessive sleeping; irritability; loss of interest in pleasurable activities such as sex or date nights; overeating or loss of appetite; anxiety; suicidal thoughts and/or destructive behaviour.<ref name="rf12872" /> |
#* If you think your girlfriend might be depressed, there are things that you can do to [[Help Someone with Depression| help]]. | #* If you think your girlfriend might be depressed, there are things that you can do to [[Help Someone with Depression| help]]. | ||
#Avoid the temptation to ignore her back. As tempting as it may be to ignore her back or try to make her jealous, it’s not healthy or productive to do so. In addition, if your girlfriend is depressed or struggling with some other difficult personal problem, ignoring her back will only make things harder for her, and could really damage your relationship. | #Avoid the temptation to ignore her back. As tempting as it may be to ignore her back or try to make her jealous, it’s not healthy or productive to do so. In addition, if your girlfriend is depressed or struggling with some other difficult personal problem, ignoring her back will only make things harder for her, and could really damage your relationship. | ||
| − | #* The “Elastic Band Theory” suggests that you can make someone want you by pulling away from them. It may work for some people in the short term, but it is not the type of behaviour that you can build a healthy relationship on.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rethinking-men/201304/the-elastic-band-theory-relationships</ref> | + | #* The “Elastic Band Theory” suggests that you can make someone want you by pulling away from them. It may work for some people in the short term, but it is not the type of behaviour that you can build a healthy relationship on.<ref name="rf15904">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rethinking-men/201304/the-elastic-band-theory-relationships</ref> |
#* One piece of positive advice that you can take from the “Elastic Band Theory” is that people in relationships need space to do their own thing, otherwise they will tire of one another or begin to take one another for granted. You can take time for yourself and still be kind and respectful to your girlfriend. Don’t ignore her, but do make sure that you have a life outside of her. | #* One piece of positive advice that you can take from the “Elastic Band Theory” is that people in relationships need space to do their own thing, otherwise they will tire of one another or begin to take one another for granted. You can take time for yourself and still be kind and respectful to your girlfriend. Don’t ignore her, but do make sure that you have a life outside of her. | ||
#Take care of yourself. Try not to dwell on how hurt/upset your girlfriend’s behaviour is making you feel. Remind yourself that she can’t actually “make” you feel anything, and that you have a choice: you can choose to acknowledge that you’re upset, but to not let it hold you back from enjoying life. | #Take care of yourself. Try not to dwell on how hurt/upset your girlfriend’s behaviour is making you feel. Remind yourself that she can’t actually “make” you feel anything, and that you have a choice: you can choose to acknowledge that you’re upset, but to not let it hold you back from enjoying life. | ||
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#* Before sending your email, try to put yourself in her shoes as you give it a final read. Think about how it might sound to her, and how she might react, and edit it to ensure that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings in the most effective way possible. If she understands your side and doesn’t feel threatened, she’s more likely to respond. | #* Before sending your email, try to put yourself in her shoes as you give it a final read. Think about how it might sound to her, and how she might react, and edit it to ensure that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings in the most effective way possible. If she understands your side and doesn’t feel threatened, she’s more likely to respond. | ||
#Use empathetic body language. If you manage to meet up with her in person to talk, use empathetic body language. This will show her that you’re committed to understanding her side of the story, and it should encourage her to open up. | #Use empathetic body language. If you manage to meet up with her in person to talk, use empathetic body language. This will show her that you’re committed to understanding her side of the story, and it should encourage her to open up. | ||
| − | #* Empathetic body language includes facing the person in an open position (i.e. not crossing your arms or hunching over or turning away), nodding and using eye contact to signal that you hear what she’s saying, and making reassuring sounds to show understanding without interrupting.<ref>http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/237743.php</ref> | + | #* Empathetic body language includes facing the person in an open position (i.e. not crossing your arms or hunching over or turning away), nodding and using eye contact to signal that you hear what she’s saying, and making reassuring sounds to show understanding without interrupting.<ref name="rf15905">http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/237743.php</ref> |
#Express your thoughts and feelings using nonviolent communication. In nonviolent communication, you focus on your own thoughts and feelings rather than accusing the other person of doing something wrong. | #Express your thoughts and feelings using nonviolent communication. In nonviolent communication, you focus on your own thoughts and feelings rather than accusing the other person of doing something wrong. | ||
| − | #* Organize what you say in the following order: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.<ref>http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm</ref> | + | #* Organize what you say in the following order: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.<ref name="rf15906">http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm</ref> |
#* Example: “For the past week you’ve not answered my calls and you’ve cancelled our plans twice. I’m starting to worry that you’re not interested in having a relationship with me any more.” | #* Example: “For the past week you’ve not answered my calls and you’ve cancelled our plans twice. I’m starting to worry that you’re not interested in having a relationship with me any more.” | ||
#Ask her about herself. After you’ve expressed how you feel, let her know that you are open to communication, and encourage her to share her feelings. | #Ask her about herself. After you’ve expressed how you feel, let her know that you are open to communication, and encourage her to share her feelings. | ||
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#** If you decide to give each other space, ensure that you are both clear on what that means. For some, space might just mean only talking on the phone twice a week instead of every night, or, it might mean an entire week without any communication whatsoever. Clarifying what “space” means to you will help make that time easier. | #** If you decide to give each other space, ensure that you are both clear on what that means. For some, space might just mean only talking on the phone twice a week instead of every night, or, it might mean an entire week without any communication whatsoever. Clarifying what “space” means to you will help make that time easier. | ||
#* Know that you don’t HAVE to give her what she says she needs. If you aren’t comfortable with something that she requests, it’s okay to tell her that. The two of you might be able to make a compromise. Ultimately the two of you need to respect one another’s needs and boundaries. | #* Know that you don’t HAVE to give her what she says she needs. If you aren’t comfortable with something that she requests, it’s okay to tell her that. The two of you might be able to make a compromise. Ultimately the two of you need to respect one another’s needs and boundaries. | ||
| − | #Be an active listener. When it’s her turn to speak, actively listen to her. This involves empathetic body language (open stance, nodding, reassuring sounds) as well as showing your understanding by repeating what she has said and/or asking for clarification.<ref | + | #Be an active listener. When it’s her turn to speak, actively listen to her. This involves empathetic body language (open stance, nodding, reassuring sounds) as well as showing your understanding by repeating what she has said and/or asking for clarification.<ref name="rf713" /> If you are hurt by something that she says, it’s okay to let her know that, but try to let her know in a non-confrontational way. |
#* Example: “Thank you for opening up to me. When you said that I’m too clingy, I felt sad and a bit confused. I enjoy spending time with you, but I’m also happy to do my own thing. I would like to know some of the specific things I do that lead you to think that I’m clingy. Maybe I’ll be able to change some of those things.” | #* Example: “Thank you for opening up to me. When you said that I’m too clingy, I felt sad and a bit confused. I enjoy spending time with you, but I’m also happy to do my own thing. I would like to know some of the specific things I do that lead you to think that I’m clingy. Maybe I’ll be able to change some of those things.” | ||
#** If she can give you some specific examples, even if you don’t agree with them, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from the relationship. Knowing what she wants will give you a clearer idea of whether you’re able or willing to give it to her. | #** If she can give you some specific examples, even if you don’t agree with them, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from the relationship. Knowing what she wants will give you a clearer idea of whether you’re able or willing to give it to her. | ||
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#* If she’s said that she’s ignoring you because she feels overwhelmed by how much attention you pay to her, ask her to give you some specific examples of the things that you do that make her feel that way. | #* If she’s said that she’s ignoring you because she feels overwhelmed by how much attention you pay to her, ask her to give you some specific examples of the things that you do that make her feel that way. | ||
#** Perhaps she doesn’t like that you call her three times a day: at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe you can agree to a “good morning” text and a short phone call after dinner every day. | #** Perhaps she doesn’t like that you call her three times a day: at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe you can agree to a “good morning” text and a short phone call after dinner every day. | ||
| − | #Don’t force a resolution. Sometimes it’s better to take a break when emotions are heated, and to return to an argument later, especially if you’ve already been arguing for several hours.<ref>http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/6/30/men-are-from-earth-women-are-from-earth.html</ref> | + | #Don’t force a resolution. Sometimes it’s better to take a break when emotions are heated, and to return to an argument later, especially if you’ve already been arguing for several hours.<ref name="rf15907">http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/6/30/men-are-from-earth-women-are-from-earth.html</ref> |
#* If you find that you’re going in circles and solving nothing, it’s probably a good time to take a break. Perhaps you can’t meet up again for two days, and you would rather get it all sorted now. That desire is totally normal, but it really won’t help either of you when you’re both too exhausted from arguing to even think clearly. | #* If you find that you’re going in circles and solving nothing, it’s probably a good time to take a break. Perhaps you can’t meet up again for two days, and you would rather get it all sorted now. That desire is totally normal, but it really won’t help either of you when you’re both too exhausted from arguing to even think clearly. | ||
#Understand that one of the resolutions might be to break up. Chances are, if you’re worried about your girlfriend ignoring you, you want to keep the relationship. If it’s not a problem with your perception and it’s not something personal that she’s struggling with, and if she’s really just ignoring you because she’s mad at you, you need to [[Know When to Break Up| consider whether you want to be in a relationship]] with someone who would rather hurt you than tell you why they’re upset. | #Understand that one of the resolutions might be to break up. Chances are, if you’re worried about your girlfriend ignoring you, you want to keep the relationship. If it’s not a problem with your perception and it’s not something personal that she’s struggling with, and if she’s really just ignoring you because she’s mad at you, you need to [[Know When to Break Up| consider whether you want to be in a relationship]] with someone who would rather hurt you than tell you why they’re upset. | ||
