Tell Someone You're Not Interested
It can be hard to turn someone down when you're not interested. The conversation is going to be awkward no matter what, and it's never fun to hurt someone's feelings. When the feeling isn't mutual, it's important to communicate that to the other person with honesty and sensitivity. You'll breathe a sigh of relief when the conversation is over and you're confident you gave it your best.
Steps
- Make yourself scarce. This is not the most straightforward way to do it, and it can take a while for the other person to figure out that you're not interested, but a lot of people handle it this way. Say nothing to anyone else - don't ditch that person while telling all your mutual friends, "I can't come this weekend. Brad's crushing on me and I don't want to feed the fire." That would not be cool.
- Be Honest. Just say "I appreciate your feelings for me, but I don't share them. I like you as a friend, but that's as far as it goes." You don't have to whip out a laundry list of reasons why. If the feeling isn't there, it just isn't there. Be prepared to repeat this a few different times - sometimes it takes repetition to get through when a person doesn't want to hear the truth, and this truth is probably painful to your Crusher.
- Avoid telling him/her that you're "just not ready" for a relationship right now unless it is the honest truth. People usually say this when they're not interested in a relationship with that person, but you'd probably be "ready for a relationship" if someone you were really interested in was interested in you! So, it's kind of a lie, and it can really hurt the other person because it leads him/her to believe time is all you need, and that if s/he bides his/her time, you could ultimately be won. Plus, there's a good chance your lie will be exposed if do you get in a relationship and this person finds out.
- Also avoid saying you're in a relationship if you're not. For the same reasons as above: While most of us back down when we hear a crush has a sweetie already, some persistent people may decide to hold out for the break-up. And again, there's the risk of your admirer finding out s/he's been had when s/he sees you flirting up a storm at the singles bar.
- If you are in a relationship, make sure this person knows that. Most reasonable people will back off when they hear that a crush is taken, and so your work here is done. But some people make it a bit harder. If you've got one of those, then you want to make sure to drop your significant other into conversation as much as possible. For example, if the Crusher asks whether you've seen that new movie everyone's talking about, you could say "I'm taking my girlfriend to see it next weekend" or "I haven't, but my boyfriend really loved it and we have similar tastes." If s/he asks about your job, mention what your sweetie does for a living, too. This tells the Crusher that your relationship is on solid ground, so you're not likely to cheat or end it for him/her. Just make sure to keep things simple and positive. Any negative details will just cause the Crusher to start hoping for the break-up, even if it's something small or silly.
- Respect his/her privacy and dignity. When you discover that someone has a crush on you and the feeling is not mutual, you have the power to protect or destroy that person. It's generally better to protect people, so in the interest of being kind and decent, don't just stomp on him or her in front of others. If s/he says inappropriate things in front of others, such as, "Wait till I get you alone!" (even if this is said in jest), just laugh it off for the moment. When you find an appropriate moment, such as both finding yourselves heading toward the kitchen and arriving there alone together, waste no time. Say, "Hey, listen, I didn't want to embarrass you out there, but I'm not comfortable with jokes of that kind." When s/he replies, "Come on, that was harmless..." you should respond with, "No, really. It's not okay with me. It implies that there's something going on between us other than friendship, and there isn't. I don't want to make you feel bad in front of others, please return that courtesy to me by not joking in that way."
- Keep it real at all times. If, despite your effort to be kind and discreet, s/he continues inappropriate remarks, touching, etc., even if in front of others, nip it in the bud, immediately. This falls under the heading of "I care about you as much as you care about me." If you have privately and respectfully asked him or her to refrain from these things and s/he ignores that request, then all is fair. You can simply correct him/her: "Wait. That implies there's something going on between us, and there isn't. Just want to make that clear." Look straight at that person when you say it. Keep your expression mild, but firm if possible. This lets everyone know you're not joking, and lets The Crusher know that you won't be supporting his/her fantasy, in public or in private. If you're at work or school, let the Crusher know you'll be going to your teacher or boss if the behavior doesn't stop (and then make good on your threat).
- Get a wingman/woman. When you go places where The Crusher is likely to be, don't go solo. Get a friend to come with you and run buffer. In other words, you can soften the impact of being in the same place at the same time by simply showing up with someone else. Your wingman can help you feel more comfortable, and that can keep you from making too much of the situation. It's not really your problem in the end - the problem is the other person's feelings, not yours.
- Be prepared to cut off contact. Sometimes, someone else's feelings for you can become too intense for that person to control, and s/he may do or say things impulsively which embarrass you, or which make you uncomfortable. If this becomes the case, and you find it too difficult to spend time with that person, as you are constantly aware of the underlying crush, then you may need to refrain from activities where The Crusher is likely to attend.
