Impress Your Girlfriend's Mother

When the time comes in a relationship to meet your girlfriend’s mother, you can do yourself a favor by taking some time to get ready for this important encounter. It’s normal to be a little nervous about meeting Mom, but the better prepared you are to follow the conventions of this rite of passage, the calmer and more confident you’ll be at the gathering. Learning a little about her beforehand will give you an idea of what to talk about, and minding some basic conversational etiquette will prevent you from coming off as socially awkward. Taking care to dress appropriately and to bring that all-important gift will also help to put you on the right footing from the start.

Steps

Finding Ways to Make a Good Impression

1. Know what to expect. Learn as much as you can from your girlfriend about her mother’s interests, such as hobbies, favorite books and movies, travel, etc., so you’ll have a better idea of how to approach the conversation. Also ask about do’s and don’ts—what she likes talking about, what she prefers not to talk about, what makes her laugh, and what she values in people.
   • For example, you can ask your girlfriend something like, "To help me feel more at ease during the gathering, could you give me an idea of your mother's hobbies and other interests? Knowing about these will make me less unsure of what to say."
2. Select an outfit according to the occasion. If invited to lunch or dinner with her, men should dress business casual: Wear a well-ironed button-down shirt and slacks, and polished oxford-style shoes. A blazer may be appropriate as well if you’ll be eating at an upscale restaurant. Women have many more options, but can at least make a point to avoid informal wear such as jeans and plain t-shirts, or a top with a low neckline. If you choose to wear a skirt, knee-length is appropriate.
   • If out to lunch or outdoors otherwise on a warm day, men can get by with a nice short-sleeved polo shirt.
3. Buy flowers. Ask your girlfriend if she's familiar with her mother’s favorite flowers. Be careful not to buy something too intimate or suggestive, such as red roses. A multicolored bouquet with a cheerful tone should be appropriate. Remember to remove plastic outer wrappers and price tags from the flower arrangement.
   • If you’re set on getting roses, an appropriate color for first encounters is yellow, since it is known to represent friendship and gratitude.
   • If you don’t have time to get a nice bouquet of flowers, try a box of high-quality chocolates from a grocer or sweets shop.
   • Alternatively, if you find out she drinks alcohol, pick up a bottle of wine.
4. Be on time. Coordinate schedules with your girlfriend the day of the outing with Mom, so you’ll be sure not to lose time waiting for each other before going to the gathering. Try to set aside at least an extra twenty minutes for your trip to wherever you’ll be meeting her, and twice as much if you’ll be driving during rush hour. This might mean setting your alarm clock earlier than usual if you’ll be getting together for brunch, or asking your boss to leave work early the evening before a dinner with Mom.
5. Be genuine. It’s important to show your true authentic self. Any person who does not have a good understanding of who they are and expresses their true self, may come across as fake, pretentious, insincere, phony, strained, and fraudulent. This is not a good way to begin any new relationship, especially not with your girlfriend’s mother. Some things you can do include:
   • Reflecting upon who you are as an individual, what you tell others about yourself, and when is the appropriate time to speak about certain qualities about yourself. It is okay to speak about your values and beliefs with honesty. However, speak in a way that allows you to remain sensitive to your girlfriend’s mother’s values and beliefs.
   • Validating her feelings, and positions throughout the conversation, so she knows that her opinions do matter to you despite possible differences.
   • Not taking things personally if she does not agree with a particular topic or position of discussion.
   • Avoiding personalization, assumptions, or judgments. Be open minded, and respond with interest to her values and beliefs. The goal is to earn her trust in you by being authentic, so be careful with your words and remember that it is not all about you.
6. Put away the phone. A sure way to appear self-absorbed and socially awkward is to use your phone for non-emergencies when with company. This is especially the case when you’re making a first impression, so put off text messaging, internet searches, and phone calls until after the gathering. Just turn off the phone and forget about your online social life for a few hours, and focus all your attention on charming Mom.

Acing the Introduction

1. Address her appropriately. Until she tells you to call her by her first name, address her as Mrs. or Ms. If she is divorced, be sure to find out if she is using her maiden name. Say hello with a clear and enthusiastic tone of voice, and after she greets you, add a follow-up comment or question as a transition to other introductory exchanges.
   • For example, try a greeting such as, “Hello Mrs./ Ms. Brown, it’s a pleasure to meet you! How are you doing?”
   • Make an effort to maintain eye contact with her, especially in the first minutes, but also throughout the meeting.
2. Offer a handshake. Don’t wait for her to offer her hand, but extend yours right away. This will show from the start that you’re engaged in the meeting and eager to form a bond with her. Use a grip somewhere between soft and firm, and avoid shaking her hand repeatedly up and down.
   • If she appears to be offering you a hug as you extend your hand, extend the other hand as well and hug her without breaking stride.
3. Give her compliments. A good way to continue the opening conversation is to offer her compliments on her attire, jewelry, or hairstyle. Not much detail is called for at this stage, so just a general comment about color or style should be enough to show her that you’re interested and observant.
   • For example, you can tell her, “What a pretty hairstyle you have,” or “Those are some charming earrings,” or “That’s such a lovely hat you’re wearing.”

Handling the Conversation Graciously

1. Stay engaged and interested regardless of the subject. As the conversation progresses, you may find your thoughts and attention wandering as the topic changes to something that may not interest you. But it is important at this point to stay focused on where you are and whom you’re talking to. If your eyes begin wandering around the room as Mom is addressing you, she will notice and probably wonder about your sincerity in getting to know her.
   • If you realize that you weren’t listening to something she says, politely ask her to repeat the sentence rather than trying to improvise a safe response.
2. Speak confidently about yourself. Mom will surely want to know a little about your background, so give her brief and direct responses that express a positive self-image. Avoid going too far into details unless she asks for elaboration. When talking about your career, assure her that you have a long-term plan that will offer financial stability, regardless of your current employment situation.
   • If you have a job that you don’t see yourself keeping long-term, one way to explain this would be to say, “I enjoy my job, but I plan on changing careers eventually to something that is more suited to my interests, and offers better financial security.”
   • If you’re asked about any hobbies you enjoy, ask her in return about hers to show you’re as curious about her as she is about you: “How about you, do you enjoy biking?” Or, “Well that’s enough about me. I’m curious to hear about you. What do you enjoy doing on the weekends?”
3. Talk about your relationship. Although it's a good idea not to go on about this, it may help to tell a sweet story about how you and your girlfriend first met. You could also talk about outings you went on together, and things you enjoy doing in general. Giving examples of how you interact will reassure her that you’re spending quality time together and are an important part of each other’s happiness.
   • For example, you can try something along the lines of, “Until I met [girlfriend’s name], I was a little unsure about yoga. But she’s really gotten me into it, and now we practice it together at least a few times a week.”
4. Concentrate on listening to her. She will appreciate it if you show that you’re carefully listening to her stories, opinions, and questions, since this demonstrates that you’ve been sincerely engaged in the conversation and eager to get to know her. Make an effort to smile and nod your head if you agree with or are pleased with what she’s saying, since it can be discouraging to to speak with someone with a blank expression.
   • To show her that you’ve been attentive to her remarks, try paraphrasing: Mom says: “We have dinner with the neighbors across the street a few times a year, and their cooking is outstanding.” You respond: “Good neighbors and good food, how fortunate!.”
   • If something she says doesn’t make sense to you or is inaudible, instead bluntly saying, “What do you mean?” or “What did you say?”, try asking for clarification: “Pardon my asking—I’m not sure I heard you correctly—could you say again why you chose to study biology?”
5. Watch your manners. Make sure your table manners are in top form. Be sure to chew with your mouth closed and not while talking, and put your napkin on your lap once your sit down. Cover your yawns, coughs, and sneezes, saying “Excuse me” afterwards, and thanking anyone who says, “Bless you” or “Gesundheit.” And don't use inappropriate slurs or informal language when speaking with her.
   • For example, avoid slangy phrases such as “That sucks,” and “That’s cool,” and instead try, “That’s unfortunate,” and “That’s wonderful.”
   • Be kind with your words. It is not what you say, but how you say it. Always be mindful and speak to others, especially your girlfriend’s mother a place of kindness and compassion.
   • If there is a concern that she is currently going through in her life, and she chooses to talk about this during your interaction with her, consider a time when you may have experienced a similar situation and connect with how she is feeling. Everyone needs attention, and to feel seen and heard and recognized. Remember this and consider how you might provide this need for attention to your girlfriend’s mother.
6. Limit your drinks. Remember your alcohol tolerance when sharing a drink with her, and avoid the temptation to “have just one more,” even if she insists. If you usually find yourself tipsy after three to four drinks, resist having any more than one. You can always tell her that you’re driving her daughter home, and she’ll respect you for taking care to stay sober.
   • Demonstrate your good judgement by assuring her, “As much as I’d like another drink, I’ll have to pass, since I’m behind the wheel tonight.”

Wrapping up the Outing

1. Thank her for her hospitality. If Mom has hosted you for a meal at her home, show your appreciation by thanking her warmly and offering to host her at your residence. Mention something that you enjoyed during the gathering, such as a certain dish from the meal, or a memorable story that she told.
   • For example, you could express how pleased you are by saying, “Mrs. / Ms. Brown, I’m grateful for your generosity in inviting us to share a lunch / dinner with you. It was really a treat.”
   • To compliment her storytelling, try something to the effect of: ”I’ll always remember the story you told about your aunt Paula’s unusual bridge club,” or “We all had a good laugh listening to your tale about the New York cab driver, didn’t we?”
2. Help with cleaning up. If she hosts you for a meal, take charge of cleaning up afterwards. Once everyone has finished eating the main course, offer to clear the plates and utensils from the table. If there is dessert, ask if you can help with serving it.
   • Announce that you’ll be in charge of the dishes with, “Well, I’ll be happy to clear the table and take care of the dishes. It’s the least I can do to thank you for an excellent meal.”
3. Ask for the bill. If you’re dining out, find a moment to ask your waiter for the check before the end of the meal. A good time to do this is when you get up to use the restroom. If she manages to ask for the check before you do, tell her that next time it will be your treat.
   • For example, you can ask the waiter in private, “Could you please hand the bill to me when the time comes?”
4. Say a warm goodbye. Extend your hand for a handshake, but if she offers a hug at the same time, extend other hand as well and give her a hug. Tell her a simple but enthusiastic goodbye, and express your eagerness to see her again soon.
   • ”Mrs. / Ms. Brown, it was a pleasure meeting you and spending time with you. I hope we’ll be able to get together again sometime very soon! Goodbye.”

Tips

• If your girlfriend's father and your own share an interest, comment on it! Use any opportunity to have conversation.
• Be confident, but not over-confident. Balance is key!
• Sometimes the way to impress one parent is to impress the other. If you make a good impression on the father, the mother should also be pleased. She'll be pleased that you and the father get on!
• If you’re out for dinner, propose a toast to your first meeting.
• Be pleased! If your girlfriend asks you to meet her parents she's probably fairly confident you'll make a good impression.
• Try to avoid commonplace phrases. It may be tempting to follow up the introduction with phrases such as “I’ve heard so much about you.” Instead, try something more specific: ‘Jean told me that you enjoy horseback riding,” for example.
• Balance the time you spend speaking to the parents and to your girlfriend. If you only talk to your girlfriend, or talk through her, you'll undermine the purpose of visiting.
• Don't give so many compliments that you seem to be faking it.

Warnings

• Don't praise your girlfriend's physical appearance too much, or you may worry her parents.
• You'll never make a good impression by turning up to a dinner in casual attire, or by showing up to a family meal by looking like you've just been to a fashionable wedding.
• Don't brag! This is a very bad way to get on with anybody, let alone your girlfriend's parents.
• Remember that they don't know you, and they're probably feeling a bit daunted by you, as much as you are by them. Don't take their suspicion at the beginning to heart! Remember they only want the best for their daughter.

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• Meet Your Girlfriend's Parents
• Treat Your Girlfriend
• Compliment People
• Be Polite

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See also

• Get Your Friend to Leave His Girlfriend
• Differentiate Between Love and Friendship
• Meet Your Girlfriend's Parents for the First Time
• Deal With Your Best Friend Changing Since He Got a Girlfriend
• Ignore a Guy That You Like
• Dress to Meet Your Boyfriend's Parents
• Meet Your Girlfriend's Parents
• Ask a Girl's Parents for Permission to Date Her
• Tell Your Mom You Like a Guy
• Manage Friendship when in a Relationship

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