Tell People You're Keeping Your Maiden Name

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Many women do not change their names when they marry, but that doesn't mean that people's Understand and Recognize Intolerance and Bias have caught up. How do you tell the world that you're keeping your name just the way it is?

Steps

  1. Be prepared for your decision being seen by some as going against tradition. However, traditions are not set in stone. In some countries like Italy or Spain, it is traditional for women to keep their family name, and even when a woman decides to use her husband's surname she can't relinquish her own and will continue to use it in official documents, ID cards, passports etc. for the rest of her life.
  2. Learn the reasons why women choose to not change their names. You are certainly not alone in your decision. Women choose to keep their birth names for a variety of reasons:
    • Women with established careers and women who marry when they're older are less likely to change their names because they've already established a reputation with their birth name and may feel that changing it would challenge the recognition they've already accomplished. (E.g. - When providing references for work done in the past, a woman who has changed her name would have to ask a potential employer to use her birth name when calling her references, as her old employers or professors will not recognize her by her new last name. This creates an inconvenience that for some women outweighs the benefits of changing their name.)
    • One's name is part of one's identity, and many women choose to keep their identities independent from their marital status. Your name is your own, part of your identity and heritage, and you have every right to keep it if you wish.
  3. Consider your options.
    • You can take your husband's name legally but keep your birth name for use professionally and socially (not including family events). Whether or not you change your name legally, you can still go by your married name among family. Unless they're checking ID at the family BBQ, they will probably never know the difference. But just in case, let your family know that you are maintaining your birth name at work for privacy purposes and if they ever hear you addressed with your birth name with regards to you they should just play along.
    • You can also take your husband's name as a middle name, or keep your birth name as a middle name.
    • Swaminathan Aiyer, a famous Indian writer, adopted his wife's maiden name as his middle name to maintain a sense of gender equality even when she adopted his last name. If the issue is over equality, this is a viable option.
    • When both couples add each other's surname, in hyphenation, any children will be better identified as belonging to each parent, instead of only to the father.
  4. Discuss your plan with your husband-to-be. Any disagreement about this decision should be resolved before you walk down the aisle. Also, discuss the possibility of children at this stage, as you and your new husband or husband-to-be will also need to decide what surname you will give to your children (people will probably ask).
  5. Inform his parents, and yours. You may find that they are supportive of your decision. If they are more traditional, you may encounter some resistance. Just keep in mind that you need not justify your decision to anyone. Hopefully, they will soon respect your plans to keep your full identity.
  6. Ask your Choose a Wedding Officiant not to introduce you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" during the ceremony. Instead, ask that both your names be announced. You may even want to ask your officiant (or even your DJ) to announce to everybody that both you and your husband will continue to be known by your own names. This is an excellent way to spread the word quickly so that people will know how to address you.
  7. Make certain that your names appear correctly on the marriage certificate and any other paper with legal ramifications (such as the deed to a home you buy jointly). As far as the official paperwork goes, it always takes less effort to keep a name than to change one. Make sure that any errors get corrected before you sign any document.
  8. Put it in print. For wedding thank-you notes, print or have printed return address labels or envelopes which list the names of both you and your husband. Sign the cards with both names. Many people will take this as an opportunity to update their address books. Seeing your name unchanged in print will help them to know how to address you.

Tips

  • When you choose not to change your name you save yourself some bureaucracy and paperwork. You will not have to change your driver's license, your passport, your credit cards and any work or school identification cards. It is unnecessary to call, write, or visit your financial institutions and tell them you are marrying.
  • Note that the term "keeping a maiden name" is incorrect since it is called "maiden name" only if you also have a "married name". Otherwise you don't have a "maiden name" or a "married name", you only have a name.
  • When discussing your decision state that you have both decided to keep your birth names (as opposed to using the term "maiden name"). Even with more traditional people, the terminology change seems to make the concept easier to handle.
  • Make sure you inform the IT or computer people if you work for a firm with such support. They will often change your email, computer, phone, etc. while you are getting married so it is correct when you return. (Most people are quick to demand those changes are made once it is official and many IT staffers try to do it before it becomes an issue.)
  • Be clear and be gracious, but also prepare to be firm if people question the validity of your decision or your relationship. Don't make your friends and relatives guess whether or not you've changed your name.
  • If you are not altering your name, you will not have to amend the names on any estate or trust documents you may have already created.
  • If your children do not have the same last name as you, be prepared for some people to question your relationship to them. When travelling to foreign countries, it is a good idea to take a copy of your child's birth certificate in addition to passports, because the passports will not show your relationship to the child. This can cause some difficulties.
  • If your family name is rare, most people will understand your desire to keep it. The same is true if your husband's name is odd or unflattering with your first name. John Doe is a lot better sounding than John John.

Warnings

  • Don't take it personally when people assume you changed your last name, especially with strangers and acquaintances. Don't react to other people's reactions. Be gracious about it.
  • Have a notarized copy of your marriage certificate on hand for any agency that needs to see you are married and questions the two last names. This would not be an unusual request for insurance companies needing to verify that you are a spouse or medical offices needing to verify relationship.

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