Difference between revisions of "Control People"

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There are lots of reasons to want to control people. Some of those reasons are healthy and some of them are not. Either way, you can find a good approach that helps you do the right thing by trying to understand people and yourself a little bit better.

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[[Category:Psychology Studies]]

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[[Category: Psychology Studies]]

== Steps ==

===Understanding Other People===

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#Identify the most powerful motivation. Now that you know what their current set of motivations are, try to understand the motivator that’s most important to them. Influencing this motivator will be the easiest way to get the most impact. Think about what they value most in making a decision, by thinking about decisions that you’ve seen them make in the past or arguments that you’ve had with them. If you know what’s most important to them, then you can introduce that motivator to get the result you want.

#*For example, you want your mom to vote a certain way in an election. She’s voting for the incumbent candidate because she knows her political stance better, and agrees with her social values. You know she values educational spending more than the social values platform, since she used to be a teacher. You can use facts about your candidate’s relationship with children, families, and education policy to motivate her to change her mind.

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#Understand what’s holding them back. Now that you understand what kind of things make an argument look good to them, you’ll want to take a look at the factors that hold them back from your argument. What about what you’re trying to do makes them think it’s a bad idea? When you know what they perceive as the risks with what you’re asking, you can figure out how to make those risks seem smaller.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/sites/brucekasanoff/2014/04/17/five-ways-to-get-anyone-to-to-anything/</ref>

+

#Understand what’s holding them back. Now that you understand what kind of things make an argument look good to them, you’ll want to take a look at the factors that hold them back from your argument. What about what you’re trying to do makes them think it’s a bad idea? When you know what they perceive as the risks with what you’re asking, you can figure out how to make those risks seem smaller.<ref name="rf1">http://www.forbes.com/sites/brucekasanoff/2014/04/17/five-ways-to-get-anyone-to-to-anything/</ref>

#*There’s no reason to be coy about finding out why someone doesn’t like an idea. Frequently, once someone says why they don’t like an idea out-loud, they’ll think that it sounds stupid or realize that they can’t explain themselves well, which can give you the perfect opening to talk them over to your side.

===Creating Confidence and Rapport===

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#Let them see themselves as the hero. One of the best ways to convince somebody to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story.<ref>http://www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref> Humans look for their lives to have some kind of continuity. It’s what makes them feel like they can expect a happy ending. Shape other people's perception of their personal stories, showing them how much better they are when they’re part of your story. If you achieve this, you will be able to talk them into almost anything.

+

#Let them see themselves as the hero. One of the best ways to convince somebody to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story.<ref name="rf2">http://www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref> Humans look for their lives to have some kind of continuity. It’s what makes them feel like they can expect a happy ending. Shape other people's perception of their personal stories, showing them how much better they are when they’re part of your story. If you achieve this, you will be able to talk them into almost anything.

#*For example, let’s say that you want an investor to support your start-up company. Talk to them about how by supporting your company, they’re paving the way for innovation. They will be the hero that brings positive change to your community. They get to be the next Andrew Carnegie, leaving ripples of good work through history.

−

#Give them a sense of community or identity. Another way to make your ideas look more appealing is to get the person you’re trying to convince to feel like a part of the community, or to make them feel like they play a very specific role in the community. People have an incredibly strong need to belong<ref>http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201303/how-get-people-do-stuff</ref> and when you make them feel like they belong, they’ll be much more willing to go along with what you’re wanting them to do.

+

#Give them a sense of community or identity. Another way to make your ideas look more appealing is to get the person you’re trying to convince to feel like a part of the community, or to make them feel like they play a very specific role in the community. People have an incredibly strong need to belong<ref name="rf3">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201303/how-get-people-do-stuff</ref> and when you make them feel like they belong, they’ll be much more willing to go along with what you’re wanting them to do.

#*For example, let’s say that you want your sister to switch chores with you. Help her to see that by cleaning the kitchen, she'll be contributing to the house in a way that everyone will notice. Explain that you'd rather weed the garden for your own enjoyment, but that no one ever thanks people for those tasks.

−

#Do things for them. When you’re helpful to people and do things for them, they end up feeling indebted to you, making them more likely to think that they should do what you ask. <ref~~>http:~~/~~/www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref~~> Provide significant help (like helping them move, finding them a job and getting them hired, or setting them up on a good date) and they’ll be ready to help you in return when you ask.

+

#Do things for them. When you’re helpful to people and do things for them, they end up feeling indebted to you, making them more likely to think that they should do what you ask. <ref name="rf2" /> Provide significant help (like helping them move, finding them a job and getting them hired, or setting them up on a good date) and they’ll be ready to help you in return when you ask.

#*An important part of this technique, though, is not letting them see an ulterior motive. They need to believe that you sincerely want to help them because you like them. It's up to you how true this needs to be; for your own comfort, you may want to avoid exploitative situations.

#Let them see you in control. Another way to make them feel like your path is the right path is to seem like you’re in control of the situation. If they think that you’ve got your hands on the steering wheel of life, then they don’t need to worry about surprise outcomes. This makes your way look like the safe way.

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#Analyze why you feel the way that you do. It’s important for you to understand that feeling the need to control another person is not usually a healthy feeling. Just like you wouldn’t want someone to control you, it’s reasonable for other people not to want to be controlled too. Your need to control, however, is usually a symptom of a larger problem. Usually, it is because you don’t have control over another situation in your life. Since other aspects of your life feel out of control, you want to control another person so that you feel more secure. You need to understand that controlling another person won’t make your situation better and that finding another way to actually fix the problem will have a much better impact on your life.

#*For example, you might want to make some random girl you met fall in love with you. However, what you’re really worried about is that you feel like you’ll never meet someone who’s right for you, so you’re clinging to this girl who under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even like (or whom you at least have nothing in common with). A better way to deal with the situation would be to start looking in the right places, so that you find someone who really is your match. Even if you don’t end up finding someone right to date right off the bat, you’ll at least know that they’re out there.

−

#Expect that things might not go your way. If you’re going to have a satisfying experience with life and feel good about most of the things that happen to you, you need to understand that many things in life will not go your way. As a wise man once wrote, “The world is not a wish granting factory.”<ref>https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1406384.John_Green</ref> If you know going in that you might not get your way, then you’ll be better prepared to deal with disappointment when it does happen. If you do get your way, though, it will be a pleasant surprise...meaning it’s a win either way.

+

#Expect that things might not go your way. If you’re going to have a satisfying experience with life and feel good about most of the things that happen to you, you need to understand that many things in life will not go your way. As a wise man once wrote, “The world is not a wish granting factory.”<ref name="rf4">https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1406384.John_Green</ref> If you know going in that you might not get your way, then you’ll be better prepared to deal with disappointment when it does happen. If you do get your way, though, it will be a pleasant surprise...meaning it’s a win either way.

#Release your need to control. We can't control everything in our lives and we especially can't control other people. When you feel the need to control everything, it creates a lot of stress and negative feelings for you. It may even make you feel worse, in the long term, than if you had just let events play out in a natural way. Releasing your need to control will help you let go and enjoy life more.

#*Ask yourself: why do I need to control this situation? What happens if I'm not in control? You probably feel like things will go wrong if you don't control the situation. However, who's to say that what happens is what's wrong? Even a bad outcome may actually be a good outcome in disguise.

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Difference between revisions of "Control People"

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
 There are lots of reasons to want to control people. Some of those reasons are healthy and some of them are not. Either way, you can find a good approach that helps you do the right thing by trying to understand people and yourself a little bit better.
-[[Category:Psychology Studies]]
+[[Category: Psychology Studies]]
 == Steps ==
 ===Understanding Other People===
@@ Line 12: / Line 12: @@
 #Identify the most powerful motivation. Now that you know what their current set of motivations are, try to understand the motivator that’s most important to them. Influencing this motivator will be the easiest way to get the most impact. Think about what they value most in making a decision, by thinking about decisions that you’ve seen them make in the past or arguments that you’ve had with them. If you know what’s most important to them, then you can introduce that motivator to get the result you want.
 #*For example, you want your mom to vote a certain way in an election. She’s voting for the incumbent candidate because she knows her political stance better, and agrees with her social values. You know she values educational spending more than the social values platform, since she used to be a teacher. You can use facts about your candidate’s relationship with children, families, and education policy to motivate her to change her mind.
-#Understand what’s holding them back. Now that you understand what kind of things make an argument look good to them, you’ll want to take a look at the factors that hold them back from your argument. What about what you’re trying to do makes them think it’s a bad idea? When you know what they perceive as the risks with what you’re asking, you can figure out how to make those risks seem smaller.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/sites/brucekasanoff/2014/04/17/five-ways-to-get-anyone-to-to-anything/</ref>
+#Understand what’s holding them back. Now that you understand what kind of things make an argument look good to them, you’ll want to take a look at the factors that hold them back from your argument. What about what you’re trying to do makes them think it’s a bad idea? When you know what they perceive as the risks with what you’re asking, you can figure out how to make those risks seem smaller.<ref name="rf1">http://www.forbes.com/sites/brucekasanoff/2014/04/17/five-ways-to-get-anyone-to-to-anything/</ref>
 #*There’s no reason to be coy about finding out why someone doesn’t like an idea. Frequently, once someone says why they don’t like an idea out-loud, they’ll think that it sounds stupid or realize that they can’t explain themselves well, which can give you the perfect opening to talk them over to your side.
 ===Creating Confidence and Rapport===
-#Let them see themselves as the hero. One of the best ways to convince somebody to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story.<ref>http://www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref> Humans look for their lives to have some kind of continuity. It’s what makes them feel like they can expect a happy ending. Shape other people's perception of their personal stories, showing them how much better they are when they’re part of your story. If you achieve this, you will be able to talk them into almost anything.
+#Let them see themselves as the hero. One of the best ways to convince somebody to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story.<ref name="rf2">http://www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref> Humans look for their lives to have some kind of continuity. It’s what makes them feel like they can expect a happy ending. Shape other people's perception of their personal stories, showing them how much better they are when they’re part of your story. If you achieve this, you will be able to talk them into almost anything.
 #*For example, let’s say that you want an investor to support your start-up company. Talk to them about how by supporting your company, they’re paving the way for innovation. They will be the hero that brings positive change to your community. They get to be the next Andrew Carnegie, leaving ripples of good work through history.
-#Give them a sense of community or identity. Another way to make your ideas look more appealing is to get the person you’re trying to convince to feel like a part of the community, or to make them feel like they play a very specific role in the community. People have an incredibly strong need to belong<ref>http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201303/how-get-people-do-stuff</ref> and when you make them feel like they belong, they’ll be much more willing to go along with what you’re wanting them to do.
+#Give them a sense of community or identity. Another way to make your ideas look more appealing is to get the person you’re trying to convince to feel like a part of the community, or to make them feel like they play a very specific role in the community. People have an incredibly strong need to belong<ref name="rf3">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201303/how-get-people-do-stuff</ref> and when you make them feel like they belong, they’ll be much more willing to go along with what you’re wanting them to do.
 #*For example, let’s say that you want your sister to switch chores with you. Help her to see that by cleaning the kitchen, she'll be contributing to the house in a way that everyone will notice. Explain that you'd rather weed the garden for your own enjoyment, but that no one ever thanks people for those tasks.
-#Do things for them. When you’re helpful to people and do things for them, they end up feeling indebted to you, making them more likely to think that they should do what you ask.  <ref>http://www.inc.com/dave-kerpen/how-to-get-everything-you-want.html</ref> Provide significant help (like helping them move, finding them a job and getting them hired, or setting them up on a good date) and they’ll be ready to help you in return when you ask.
+#Do things for them. When you’re helpful to people and do things for them, they end up feeling indebted to you, making them more likely to think that they should do what you ask.  <ref name="rf2" /> Provide significant help (like helping them move, finding them a job and getting them hired, or setting them up on a good date) and they’ll be ready to help you in return when you ask.
 #*An important part of this technique, though, is not letting them see an ulterior motive. They need to believe that you sincerely want to help them because you like them. It's up to you how true this needs to be; for your own comfort, you may want to avoid exploitative situations.
 #Let them see you in control. Another way to make them feel like your path is the right path is to seem like you’re in control of the situation. If they think that you’ve got your hands on the steering wheel of life, then they don’t need to worry about surprise outcomes. This makes your way look like the safe way.
@@ Line 45: / Line 45: @@
 #Analyze why you feel the way that you do. It’s important for you to understand that feeling the need to control another person is not usually a healthy feeling. Just like you wouldn’t want someone to control you, it’s reasonable for other people not to want to be controlled too. Your need to control, however, is usually a symptom of a larger problem. Usually, it is because you don’t have control over another situation in your life. Since other aspects of your life feel out of control, you want to control another person so that you feel more secure. You need to understand that controlling another person won’t make your situation better and that finding another way to actually fix the problem will have a much better impact on your life.
 #*For example, you might want to make some random girl you met fall in love with you. However, what you’re really worried about is that you feel like you’ll never meet someone who’s right for you, so you’re clinging to this girl who under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even like (or whom you at least have nothing in common with). A better way to deal with the situation would be to start looking in the right places, so that you find someone who really is your match. Even if you don’t end up finding someone right to date right off the bat, you’ll at least know that they’re out there.
-#Expect that things might not go your way. If you’re going to have a satisfying experience with life and feel good about most of the things that happen to you, you need to understand that many things in life will not go your way. As a wise man once wrote, “The world is not a wish granting factory.”<ref>https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1406384.John_Green</ref> If you know going in that you might not get your way, then you’ll be better prepared to deal with disappointment when it does happen. If you do get your way, though, it will be a pleasant surprise...meaning it’s a win either way.
+#Expect that things might not go your way. If you’re going to have a satisfying experience with life and feel good about most of the things that happen to you, you need to understand that many things in life will not go your way. As a wise man once wrote, “The world is not a wish granting factory.”<ref name="rf4">https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1406384.John_Green</ref> If you know going in that you might not get your way, then you’ll be better prepared to deal with disappointment when it does happen. If you do get your way, though, it will be a pleasant surprise...meaning it’s a win either way.
 #Release your need to control. We can't control everything in our lives and we especially can't control other people. When you feel the need to control everything, it creates a lot of stress and negative feelings for you. It may even make you feel worse, in the long term, than if you had just let events play out in a natural way. Releasing your need to control will help you let go and enjoy life more.
 #*Ask yourself: why do I need to control this situation? What happens if I'm not in control? You probably feel like things will go wrong if you don't control the situation. However, who's to say that what happens is what's wrong? Even a bad outcome may actually be a good outcome in disguise.

Anonymous

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Difference between revisions of "Control People"