Have a Secret Office Romance

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Keen on someone at work? Follow our advice on how to have an affair with them without your other colleagues or boss finding out.

Steps

  1. Communicate in stealth: If your preferred mode of communication is texting use the Snapchat. If you prefer email try Flagebuzz. Avoid using your mobile/office phone.
  2. Be professional: Between 9 and 5, romance must appear to be the last thing on your mind. Maintain a work like demeanor at all times - avoid touching, lingering looks, or intimate conversations. If anything, give your partner a wider berth than other colleagues.
  3. Arrange rendezvous: Set times and places to meet where you know you will get some privacy. Arrange your rendezvous like an MI5 agent: plan cover stories, arrive from different directions and think about escape routes. An empty stairwell, where you can hear people coming, is preferable to a stationary cupboard, where you can be easily caught unawares.
  4. If meeting after hours pick a place far from your work location, you will be easily spotted in the pub on the corner. Remember to travel there separately, nothing will arouse suspicion more than the 2 of you leaving together.
  5. Don't leave any evidence: this can be anything from an undeleted email, to lipstick marks, to misplaced underwear. Cover your tracks at all times. Avoid sending emails through the company system as it will only be a matter of time before one gets accidentally sent to Matt in accounts. And never commit the ultimate sin - turning up to work in the same clothes two days in a row. This is a sure fire sign that you didn't make it home the night before, and will start rumors before you can say 'scandalous'
  6. Head off the gossip: at some point, someone will start to get suspicious. Quell any gossip surrounding you and your amour by ruthlessly starting more salacious rumors.
  7. If you decide to have an extended lunch break, always ask permission from your boss first and only if your boss says it's OK. If anyone asks why you are having an extended lunch break, say everything else, e.g. I have a lot of flex-it-ime and I need to use it and I'm going to have a little longer mooching in town and shopping. If you are asked did you see X? be honest but brief with an answer such as Yes I did, but don't tell them every little detail what you and X did, talked about etc. All in all keep extended lunch breaks to every now and then - If done frequently it can cause your boss, other people and the gossips to cotton on.
  8. Do not show public displays of affection. It is best to leave kisses and hugs when the two of you are on your own, there is no-one else approaching, hearing and when the two of you are outside work and outside work hours (e.g. both of you are at home, on leave, on flexi day). Don't give the nosy parkers and/or the gossips any ammunition. Plus you never know who could spread the news to your colleagues and/or your boss when you are not about do you?
  9. Remember professionalism and discretion in the workplace is key. Make VERY sure that the coast is clear, that is meaning your colleagues, boss and especially the gossips are NOT around, whether it's in the work premises or outside the work premises. (Danger - You never know who is watching or the risk of your boss/colleages/gossips seeing you two and you never know who might tell on you when you are not around do you?)

Tips

  • DO NOT give any ammunition especially to the gossips.
  • If the two of you want to keep in touch via emailing/instant messenger ALWAYS use your OWN HOME email addresses and instant messenger address NOT works email addresses and works instant messenger addresses. Remember with works email addresses and instant messenger addresses, the IT staff can see the emails, it will be on the IT servers and everyone, including your boss can see the emails/instant messenger conversations.
  • Always stay professional at work. If your boss and colleagues notice you are not pulling your weight and if they notice you are making a lot of mistakes, they can cotton on and even ask questions to find out why.

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