Difference between revisions of "Communicate With an Angry Person"
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#Don’t respond with anger. When someone else is angry, especially at you, it can be easy to get angry as well. But when you are trying to communicate with an angry person, it’s better for you to keep your own anger out of it. | #Don’t respond with anger. When someone else is angry, especially at you, it can be easy to get angry as well. But when you are trying to communicate with an angry person, it’s better for you to keep your own anger out of it. | ||
#*Calm yourself down before you respond. Force yourself to stop and take a few deep breaths. Maybe even count to five (or 10 if you need more time). Remember that the other person's anger likely has nothing to do with you. | #*Calm yourself down before you respond. Force yourself to stop and take a few deep breaths. Maybe even count to five (or 10 if you need more time). Remember that the other person's anger likely has nothing to do with you. | ||
| − | #Maintain emotional distance. Don’t take this person’s anger personally. Instead, step outside of the direct line by transforming your feelings into curiosity about the person’s anger. Ask yourself questions like: “This person is really angry. I wonder what got them so upset?”<ref>http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/freeresources/article_archive/angry_people_ngibson.htm</ref> | + | #Maintain emotional distance. Don’t take this person’s anger personally. Instead, step outside of the direct line by transforming your feelings into curiosity about the person’s anger. Ask yourself questions like: “This person is really angry. I wonder what got them so upset?”<ref name="rf1">http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/freeresources/article_archive/angry_people_ngibson.htm</ref> |
#Speak calmly and slowly. Don’t raise your voice or speak in a tone that conveys anger. Take a couple of deep breaths if you need to, and speak with a level, calm voice with a normal volume. | #Speak calmly and slowly. Don’t raise your voice or speak in a tone that conveys anger. Take a couple of deep breaths if you need to, and speak with a level, calm voice with a normal volume. | ||
| − | #Use non-threatening body language. Having open, welcoming body language can help diffuse another person’s anger. They will see that you are not being antagonistic. Some positive body language includes:<ref>http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/dealing-with-angry-people.htm</ref> | + | #Use non-threatening body language. Having open, welcoming body language can help diffuse another person’s anger. They will see that you are not being antagonistic. Some positive body language includes:<ref name="rf2">http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/dealing-with-angry-people.htm</ref> |
#*Maintaining eye contact (but not staring the person down) | #*Maintaining eye contact (but not staring the person down) | ||
#*Standing or sit with your arms at your sides, not crossed in front of you | #*Standing or sit with your arms at your sides, not crossed in front of you | ||
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#*Becoming aware of the distance between yourself and the angry person. Avoid encroaching on the other person's personal space as a way to avoid making them uncomfortable or angrier. Giving them space also means that, should they try to strike you, you will be able to move out of the way. | #*Becoming aware of the distance between yourself and the angry person. Avoid encroaching on the other person's personal space as a way to avoid making them uncomfortable or angrier. Giving them space also means that, should they try to strike you, you will be able to move out of the way. | ||
#*Gently touching the other person’s shoulder, if they will allow it. Keep in mind that touch isn't always appropriate. If the angry person is a spouse or close friend, then a touch may be appropriate. If the angry person is a customer or client, it would not be appropriate. | #*Gently touching the other person’s shoulder, if they will allow it. Keep in mind that touch isn't always appropriate. If the angry person is a spouse or close friend, then a touch may be appropriate. If the angry person is a customer or client, it would not be appropriate. | ||
| − | #Don’t provoke the angry person. When you know a person’s anger triggers, you might push their buttons to provoke them to anger. This may or may not be deliberate. But when someone is angry, try not to do things that you know will make them angrier or feel less respected.<ref> http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm</ref> | + | #Don’t provoke the angry person. When you know a person’s anger triggers, you might push their buttons to provoke them to anger. This may or may not be deliberate. But when someone is angry, try not to do things that you know will make them angrier or feel less respected.<ref name="rf3"> http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm</ref> |
===Suggesting Calming Techniques=== | ===Suggesting Calming Techniques=== | ||
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#*Make sure they are breathing with their diaphragm rather than with their chest. When the person breathes with their diaphragm, their belly extends out (they should be able to feel it with their hand). | #*Make sure they are breathing with their diaphragm rather than with their chest. When the person breathes with their diaphragm, their belly extends out (they should be able to feel it with their hand). | ||
#*Do this as many times as necessary until the person starts feeling calmer. | #*Do this as many times as necessary until the person starts feeling calmer. | ||
| − | #Ask the person to count to 10. Tell the other person that they don't need to react right away. Counting can help put off angry feelings for the moment. Suggest that the other person gives themselves time to sort out feelings by counting to 10.<ref>https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/putting-it-together-use-of-anger-management-techniques</ref> | + | #Ask the person to count to 10. Tell the other person that they don't need to react right away. Counting can help put off angry feelings for the moment. Suggest that the other person gives themselves time to sort out feelings by counting to 10.<ref name="rf4">https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/putting-it-together-use-of-anger-management-techniques</ref> |
| − | #Distract the person. Help the person take their mind off the anger by distracting them. You can tell a joke or watch a video. You can reassure the person that you care about their anger, but you can also say that it may be a good idea to change their focus for a few minutes to help them cool off.<ref | + | #Distract the person. Help the person take their mind off the anger by distracting them. You can tell a joke or watch a video. You can reassure the person that you care about their anger, but you can also say that it may be a good idea to change their focus for a few minutes to help them cool off.<ref name="rf2" /> |
| − | #Suggest taking a walk. Removing the person from a situation will help them calm down. <ref>http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx</ref> Suggest going for a walk, getting outdoors, or otherwise removing themselves from the situation. | + | #Suggest taking a walk. Removing the person from a situation will help them calm down. <ref name="rf5">http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx</ref> Suggest going for a walk, getting outdoors, or otherwise removing themselves from the situation. |
===Listening Effectively=== | ===Listening Effectively=== | ||
#Let the other person speak. It’s important to make sure that the other person feels like you’re taking them seriously. Let the person speak and listen to what they are saying. | #Let the other person speak. It’s important to make sure that the other person feels like you’re taking them seriously. Let the person speak and listen to what they are saying. | ||
#*Don’t interrupt or correct the other person while they are speaking. | #*Don’t interrupt or correct the other person while they are speaking. | ||
| − | #Show empathy. You don’t necessarily have to agree with the other person, but you can show that you understand why they might feel the way they do. For example, you might say, “If I felt like I wasn’t getting equal treatment, I’d probably feel upset too.”<ref>http://access.ewu.edu/caps/facultystaffres/defusinganger</ref> | + | #Show empathy. You don’t necessarily have to agree with the other person, but you can show that you understand why they might feel the way they do. For example, you might say, “If I felt like I wasn’t getting equal treatment, I’d probably feel upset too.”<ref name="rf6">http://access.ewu.edu/caps/facultystaffres/defusinganger</ref> |
#*Agreeing with the angry person might help diffuse the angry feelings. It helps the angry person feel like they are right in some manner. | #*Agreeing with the angry person might help diffuse the angry feelings. It helps the angry person feel like they are right in some manner. | ||
| − | #Keep asking questions. Use “open-ended” questions to probe for more information. Open-ended questions ask for more than a simple answer like yes or no. These types of questions require more information. Then you can get to the root of the problem.<ref>http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_88.htm</ref> For example, you might say, “What happened at the meeting this morning?” | + | #Keep asking questions. Use “open-ended” questions to probe for more information. Open-ended questions ask for more than a simple answer like yes or no. These types of questions require more information. Then you can get to the root of the problem.<ref name="rf7">http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_88.htm</ref> For example, you might say, “What happened at the meeting this morning?” |
#*Use the word “exactly” to get more information. For example, “What exactly do you mean when you say nobody listened to you?” | #*Use the word “exactly” to get more information. For example, “What exactly do you mean when you say nobody listened to you?” | ||
| − | #Paraphrase the other person for clarification. Show that you want to understand what the other person is talking about. Paraphrase what they say so that you are sure you understand correctly.<ref | + | #Paraphrase the other person for clarification. Show that you want to understand what the other person is talking about. Paraphrase what they say so that you are sure you understand correctly.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#*For example, you can say, “Let me see if I have this right. You went to the meeting and were asked to give a last-minute presentation, which made you feel stressed. Then, your boss checked his phone the whole time, which made you feel ignored. Do I have that right?” | #*For example, you can say, “Let me see if I have this right. You went to the meeting and were asked to give a last-minute presentation, which made you feel stressed. Then, your boss checked his phone the whole time, which made you feel ignored. Do I have that right?” | ||
===Finding a Resolution=== | ===Finding a Resolution=== | ||
| − | #Find a good time to work on problem-solving. A person’s emotional defenses can be down if they are feeling tired or hungry. Find a good time when the person is rested and can approach a problem without getting mired in negative emotion.<ref>http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm</ref> | + | #Find a good time to work on problem-solving. A person’s emotional defenses can be down if they are feeling tired or hungry. Find a good time when the person is rested and can approach a problem without getting mired in negative emotion.<ref name="rf8">http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm</ref> |
#Apologize if needed. If you did something wrong or if you unintentionally hurt another person, apologizing is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you care that you hurt another person, no matter if it was intended or not. | #Apologize if needed. If you did something wrong or if you unintentionally hurt another person, apologizing is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you care that you hurt another person, no matter if it was intended or not. | ||
#Help the person find a solution to the problem. Work towards problem solving. Ask what the person would like to see happen as a resolution. If you can’t meet the person’s expectations or if the person is being unreasonable, see what you can negotiate. | #Help the person find a solution to the problem. Work towards problem solving. Ask what the person would like to see happen as a resolution. If you can’t meet the person’s expectations or if the person is being unreasonable, see what you can negotiate. | ||
| − | #Use “We.” Using this language will help show that you are cooperating with the person to resolve the issue in partnership. For example, you can say, “How can I help you to the point where we can resolve this issue?”<ref>http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/consumer/10237.html</ref> | + | #Use “We.” Using this language will help show that you are cooperating with the person to resolve the issue in partnership. For example, you can say, “How can I help you to the point where we can resolve this issue?”<ref name="rf9">http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/consumer/10237.html</ref> |
| − | #Stick to the issue at hand. If you are trying to come to a compromise, stick with the issue that is immediately happening. Don’t bring up past fights or problems. Don’t use old grudges to get what you want out of a situation.<ref | + | #Stick to the issue at hand. If you are trying to come to a compromise, stick with the issue that is immediately happening. Don’t bring up past fights or problems. Don’t use old grudges to get what you want out of a situation.<ref name="rf3" /> |
| − | #Be prepared for no resolution yet. It may be that you can’t arrive at a solution until the person has calmed down. This may take a while, and solving the problem will be delayed until the other person can respond without being too angry.<ref | + | #Be prepared for no resolution yet. It may be that you can’t arrive at a solution until the person has calmed down. This may take a while, and solving the problem will be delayed until the other person can respond without being too angry.<ref name="rf9" /> |
===Dealing with an Angry Child=== | ===Dealing with an Angry Child=== | ||
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#*Being patient in tough situations will help show your child what it’s like to work out problems. | #*Being patient in tough situations will help show your child what it’s like to work out problems. | ||
===Ensuring Your Safety=== | ===Ensuring Your Safety=== | ||
| − | #Keep yourself and children safe. Your personal physical safety should be your number one concern when you are with someone who is angry most or all the time.<ref>http://mentalhealthtreatment.net/anger-management/signs-and-symptoms/</ref> If you have children in the house and they experience harm to their physical, emotional, and mental safety, or they witness violence in the household, you need to ensure your own safety and the safety of your children. | + | #Keep yourself and children safe. Your personal physical safety should be your number one concern when you are with someone who is angry most or all the time.<ref name="rf10">http://mentalhealthtreatment.net/anger-management/signs-and-symptoms/</ref> If you have children in the house and they experience harm to their physical, emotional, and mental safety, or they witness violence in the household, you need to ensure your own safety and the safety of your children. |
#*Have a plan so you know what to do if your safety is at risk. | #*Have a plan so you know what to do if your safety is at risk. | ||
#*If it’s possible, obtain an alternate place to stay or stay in a safehouse to ensure your safety. | #*If it’s possible, obtain an alternate place to stay or stay in a safehouse to ensure your safety. | ||
#*Use a code word with your children that can be used if anyone is in danger. Teach them what to do in case you use the code word (for example, they should leave the house and run to a specific friend’s house). | #*Use a code word with your children that can be used if anyone is in danger. Teach them what to do in case you use the code word (for example, they should leave the house and run to a specific friend’s house). | ||
| − | #Let a trusted friend or family member know your situation. If you are able, talk with your friend, neighbor or family member about your safety plan. Talk over visual cues that you might use if you are in danger.<ref>http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/</ref> | + | #Let a trusted friend or family member know your situation. If you are able, talk with your friend, neighbor or family member about your safety plan. Talk over visual cues that you might use if you are in danger.<ref name="rf11">http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/</ref> |
| − | #Know where your escape route is. Identify the nearest exits. If you can’t get out of your house, identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons or other instruments that can be used to hurt you.<ref | + | #Know where your escape route is. Identify the nearest exits. If you can’t get out of your house, identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons or other instruments that can be used to hurt you.<ref name="rf11" /> |
#*Always park your car face out in your driveway and keep the gas tank full. | #*Always park your car face out in your driveway and keep the gas tank full. | ||
#Have a phone with you at all times. Carry your phone with you and program in important phone numbers. | #Have a phone with you at all times. Carry your phone with you and program in important phone numbers. | ||
