Difference between revisions of "Co Parent with an Uncooperative Ex Spouse"
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=== Setting Up Parallel Parenting === | === Setting Up Parallel Parenting === | ||
| − | #Discuss time arrangements. If the court has not mandated your time arrangements, you need to have a discussion about them. You can't just leave the arrangement vague and expect it to work well. If you don't think you can decide on one alone, consider talking with a counselor to help work it out.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201510/developing-co-parenting-plans</ref> | + | #Discuss time arrangements. If the court has not mandated your time arrangements, you need to have a discussion about them. You can't just leave the arrangement vague and expect it to work well. If you don't think you can decide on one alone, consider talking with a counselor to help work it out.<ref name="rf1">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201510/developing-co-parenting-plans</ref> |
#* You need to discuss what nights the child will be spending with which parent, who's responsible for what activities, and who's responsible for which care-taking activities. | #* You need to discuss what nights the child will be spending with which parent, who's responsible for what activities, and who's responsible for which care-taking activities. | ||
#* Don't forget to discuss holidays and school breaks, as you need to decide where the child will be during those times. | #* Don't forget to discuss holidays and school breaks, as you need to decide where the child will be during those times. | ||
| − | #Allocate decision-making. If you don't plan on making decisions together going forward, you need to discuss who will make what decisions. For instance, who decides what activities the child gets to do? Who's responsible for the bulk of the child's healthcare? These are important decisions in the life of your child, and you need to make them together or decide who is responsible for the decision.<ref | + | #Allocate decision-making. If you don't plan on making decisions together going forward, you need to discuss who will make what decisions. For instance, who decides what activities the child gets to do? Who's responsible for the bulk of the child's healthcare? These are important decisions in the life of your child, and you need to make them together or decide who is responsible for the decision.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#* While true co-parenting would be to make all of the decisions together, it may not be feasible if you can't work together. That's why it's important to decide who's going to make what decisions from the get-go. | #* While true co-parenting would be to make all of the decisions together, it may not be feasible if you can't work together. That's why it's important to decide who's going to make what decisions from the get-go. | ||
#* You should also consider religious upbringing, as well. Which religion will the child follow? | #* You should also consider religious upbringing, as well. Which religion will the child follow? | ||
#* Another consideration is schooling. Will your child go to a public school or a private school going forward? Who will be responsible for making that decision? | #* Another consideration is schooling. Will your child go to a public school or a private school going forward? Who will be responsible for making that decision? | ||
| − | #Separate your feelings from your child. When you've divorced from someone, it can, and usually does, get messy. You've broken up with someone you once vowed to love, and that hurts. It's hard to move on, and it's even tougher not to let those feelings interfere with how you are raising your child. However, if you can keep those feelings out, you can work towards a much healthier relationship, even if your ex remains uncooperative.<ref>http://donnaferber.com/2012/02/the-uncooperative-co-parent/</ref> | + | #Separate your feelings from your child. When you've divorced from someone, it can, and usually does, get messy. You've broken up with someone you once vowed to love, and that hurts. It's hard to move on, and it's even tougher not to let those feelings interfere with how you are raising your child. However, if you can keep those feelings out, you can work towards a much healthier relationship, even if your ex remains uncooperative.<ref name="rf2">http://donnaferber.com/2012/02/the-uncooperative-co-parent/</ref> |
#* Try thinking of your ex as a colleague rather than an ex. You probably don't like everyone you work with, but you still must get along with them in a professional manner. In many ways, this step is more parallel parenting, though you are still working together to make decisions. | #* Try thinking of your ex as a colleague rather than an ex. You probably don't like everyone you work with, but you still must get along with them in a professional manner. In many ways, this step is more parallel parenting, though you are still working together to make decisions. | ||
#* Once you start thinking of the relationship this way, it can help to calm the waters. Would you pick a fight over something small with a colleague? Not if you're acting professionally. | #* Once you start thinking of the relationship this way, it can help to calm the waters. Would you pick a fight over something small with a colleague? Not if you're acting professionally. | ||
| − | #Don't interfere with each other. That is, when your child is at your ex's house, try not to text or call your child too much. You should expect the same when your child is at your house. The point of this step is to avoid creating a situation where you're trying to mediate between the other parent and the child.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead</ref> | + | #Don't interfere with each other. That is, when your child is at your ex's house, try not to text or call your child too much. You should expect the same when your child is at your house. The point of this step is to avoid creating a situation where you're trying to mediate between the other parent and the child.<ref name="rf3">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead</ref> |
#* That doesn't mean you can't talk to your child, just that you shouldn't spend hours a day on the phone with your child, nor should you get in the middle of arguments between your child and your ex. | #* That doesn't mean you can't talk to your child, just that you shouldn't spend hours a day on the phone with your child, nor should you get in the middle of arguments between your child and your ex. | ||
#Skip the fights. As often as possible, try not to engage with your ex. Often, you will be doing so in front of your kid, since that will be the only time you see your ex. Therefore, it's best not to get in verbal fights, as that only hurts your kid more. Plus, that keeps you entrenched in a negative relationship, which you don't need in your life.<reF>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead</ref> | #Skip the fights. As often as possible, try not to engage with your ex. Often, you will be doing so in front of your kid, since that will be the only time you see your ex. Therefore, it's best not to get in verbal fights, as that only hurts your kid more. Plus, that keeps you entrenched in a negative relationship, which you don't need in your life.<reF>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead</ref> | ||
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=== Keeping the Peace === | === Keeping the Peace === | ||
| − | #Resolve to be flexible with the time arrangement. If you're still angry with your ex, the last thing you'll want to do is give a little when it comes to the time arrangement, especially if your ex is being uncooperative. However, giving a little can open up space for a better relationship in the future because it shows you're willing to compromise a bit.<ref>http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/parent_teamwork_skills_-_problem_solving.html</ref> | + | #Resolve to be flexible with the time arrangement. If you're still angry with your ex, the last thing you'll want to do is give a little when it comes to the time arrangement, especially if your ex is being uncooperative. However, giving a little can open up space for a better relationship in the future because it shows you're willing to compromise a bit.<ref name="rf4">http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/parent_teamwork_skills_-_problem_solving.html</ref> |
#* Think of it this way. If you're mad at someone and they give you a cookie, you're less likely to be as mad at them because they've been generous to you. It's a silly analogy, but it shows how we think of relationships. When one person gives a little, the other person may be more willing to give a little, too. | #* Think of it this way. If you're mad at someone and they give you a cookie, you're less likely to be as mad at them because they've been generous to you. It's a silly analogy, but it shows how we think of relationships. When one person gives a little, the other person may be more willing to give a little, too. | ||
#* In addition, your ex may be willing to be more flexible with the time arrangement in the future when you want to keep your kid for a special day. | #* In addition, your ex may be willing to be more flexible with the time arrangement in the future when you want to keep your kid for a special day. | ||
| − | #Stop trying to change your ex. Of course, you can't control your ex's behavior. However, you can control what you do. One way you can help the situation is stop trying to fix your ex, especially if they keep trying to change you. By stepping back, you are signalling you are done with that type of relationship, and in turn, your ex may come to realize that they need to be done with that part of the relationship, too.<ref | + | #Stop trying to change your ex. Of course, you can't control your ex's behavior. However, you can control what you do. One way you can help the situation is stop trying to fix your ex, especially if they keep trying to change you. By stepping back, you are signalling you are done with that type of relationship, and in turn, your ex may come to realize that they need to be done with that part of the relationship, too.<ref name="rf2" /> |
#Re-frame your statements. Making a statement to your ex about what he or she must do can be off-putting. Instead, try re-framing your statements into requests. That way, your ex will at least feel like you are trying to work with them, rather than dictate to them.<Ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/13/how-to-co-parent-successfully-after-divorce/</ref> | #Re-frame your statements. Making a statement to your ex about what he or she must do can be off-putting. Instead, try re-framing your statements into requests. That way, your ex will at least feel like you are trying to work with them, rather than dictate to them.<Ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/13/how-to-co-parent-successfully-after-divorce/</ref> | ||
#* For instance, you may be tempted to say, "You should stop taking our kid out for ice cream late at night." | #* For instance, you may be tempted to say, "You should stop taking our kid out for ice cream late at night." | ||
#* Instead, try saying, "Can we talk about Charlie's bedtime? I feel like he does better when we're both on the same page." | #* Instead, try saying, "Can we talk about Charlie's bedtime? I feel like he does better when we're both on the same page." | ||
| − | #Be direct. Even when you'd rather avoid speaking to your ex, it's important to be direct with your ex. Using your child as a mediator only puts stress on the kid. Plus, messages can get mixed up when you send them through a kid. Whatever conflict you have, face it directly.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/13/how-to-co-parent-successfully-after-divorce/</ref> | + | #Be direct. Even when you'd rather avoid speaking to your ex, it's important to be direct with your ex. Using your child as a mediator only puts stress on the kid. Plus, messages can get mixed up when you send them through a kid. Whatever conflict you have, face it directly.<ref name="rf5">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/13/how-to-co-parent-successfully-after-divorce/</ref> |
#* In addition, talking to your ex yourself shows your child how to deal with difficult situations with grace. You're modeling a behavior that your child can rely on later. | #* In addition, talking to your ex yourself shows your child how to deal with difficult situations with grace. You're modeling a behavior that your child can rely on later. | ||
#* It also leaves the burden of parenting on you and your ex, not your kid. | #* It also leaves the burden of parenting on you and your ex, not your kid. | ||
| − | #Resolve conflicts with problem solving. Bring up the issue you need to discuss. Say why it's important, and what you want to happen. Once you've brought up the issue, give your ex a chance to react. Then discuss possible solutions until you come up with one you can both live with.<ref | + | #Resolve conflicts with problem solving. Bring up the issue you need to discuss. Say why it's important, and what you want to happen. Once you've brought up the issue, give your ex a chance to react. Then discuss possible solutions until you come up with one you can both live with.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#* Don't place blame. Rather, discuss what problem is happening. For instance, instead of saying, "You give our kid too much sugar," you could say, "I've noticed Charlie has behavioral problems after eating sugar." | #* Don't place blame. Rather, discuss what problem is happening. For instance, instead of saying, "You give our kid too much sugar," you could say, "I've noticed Charlie has behavioral problems after eating sugar." | ||
#* Move on to why you think it's important. "At his age, I think too much sugar is detrimental. I'd like to reduce the sugar in his diet." | #* Move on to why you think it's important. "At his age, I think too much sugar is detrimental. I'd like to reduce the sugar in his diet." | ||
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#* Mediation can happen before or after you go to court to try to prevent you from going to court a first or second time. | #* Mediation can happen before or after you go to court to try to prevent you from going to court a first or second time. | ||
#* Generally, you will hire one person you can both agree on as a mediator. Most of the time, that person will be a lawyer, though some people do work as professional mediators. | #* Generally, you will hire one person you can both agree on as a mediator. Most of the time, that person will be a lawyer, though some people do work as professional mediators. | ||
| − | #Call the police. In severe situations, you may need to call the police. For instance, if your spouse isn't letting you have your kids when they are supposed to, that is an appropriate time to call the police. The police can then come out and make a documentation of it, called a "visitation interference."<ref>http://fathershelpingfathers.com/faqs/</ref> | + | #Call the police. In severe situations, you may need to call the police. For instance, if your spouse isn't letting you have your kids when they are supposed to, that is an appropriate time to call the police. The police can then come out and make a documentation of it, called a "visitation interference."<ref name="rf6">http://fathershelpingfathers.com/faqs/</ref> |
#* That way, if you do need to go to court, you have documentation to back you up. However, the police will not remove the child from the home. You'll need to go back to court. | #* That way, if you do need to go to court, you have documentation to back you up. However, the police will not remove the child from the home. You'll need to go back to court. | ||
#* In addition, this step may only help you if you already have a court-ordered custody arrangement in place. | #* In addition, this step may only help you if you already have a court-ordered custody arrangement in place. | ||
| − | #Consider going to court. If you haven't been to court or even if you have, you may need to go back to court if you can't work out your arrangements. In that case, you'll both need to hire lawyers to represent your side.<ref | + | #Consider going to court. If you haven't been to court or even if you have, you may need to go back to court if you can't work out your arrangements. In that case, you'll both need to hire lawyers to represent your side.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#* Court can get messy, so make it a last resort if possible. | #* Court can get messy, so make it a last resort if possible. | ||
#* If you feel like your ex spouse is an unfit parent, you may want to fight for full custody. In that case, you'll need to be able to provide examples of how and why the other parent is unfit. Your lawyer can help you come up with ways to prove your point. If you already have a court order for your custody arrangement, you generally must prove that something substantial has changed to get a different arrangement. | #* If you feel like your ex spouse is an unfit parent, you may want to fight for full custody. In that case, you'll need to be able to provide examples of how and why the other parent is unfit. Your lawyer can help you come up with ways to prove your point. If you already have a court order for your custody arrangement, you generally must prove that something substantial has changed to get a different arrangement. | ||
| − | #* This option is also important to consider if your ex spouse is delinquent on child support.<ref>http://coparenting.okstate.edu/sites/default/files/T-2243%20-%20Wkng%20with%20Uncooperative%20Ex%20-%20What%20NOT%20to%20do.pdf#</ref> | + | #* This option is also important to consider if your ex spouse is delinquent on child support.<ref name="rf7">http://coparenting.okstate.edu/sites/default/files/T-2243%20-%20Wkng%20with%20Uncooperative%20Ex%20-%20What%20NOT%20to%20do.pdf#</ref> |
=== Helping Your Child Cope === | === Helping Your Child Cope === | ||
| − | #Don't say bad things about your ex. At least, don't do so where your child can hear it. If your child hears you saying bad things, they will start questioning their relationship with your ex. Also, it can cause your child stress to hear bad things about someone they love. Therefore, try to save those conversations for your friends, not your kids.<ref | + | #Don't say bad things about your ex. At least, don't do so where your child can hear it. If your child hears you saying bad things, they will start questioning their relationship with your ex. Also, it can cause your child stress to hear bad things about someone they love. Therefore, try to save those conversations for your friends, not your kids.<ref name="rf5" /> |
| − | #Encourage your child to learn and grow. In an environment where they are shuffled back and forth, the child can feel a little lost, especially if your spouse isn't as encouraging of your child and their independence. Therefore, it's important that you take the time to nurture your child, and encourage them to explore their strengths and skills.<ref | + | #Encourage your child to learn and grow. In an environment where they are shuffled back and forth, the child can feel a little lost, especially if your spouse isn't as encouraging of your child and their independence. Therefore, it's important that you take the time to nurture your child, and encourage them to explore their strengths and skills.<ref name="rf3" /> |
#* One way to encourage independence is to let your children tackle projects by themselves, or at least, mostly by themselves. Giving them a chance to try new things without hovering helps them learn how to solve problems and grow. | #* One way to encourage independence is to let your children tackle projects by themselves, or at least, mostly by themselves. Giving them a chance to try new things without hovering helps them learn how to solve problems and grow. | ||
#* Another thing you can do is praise the child's accomplishments. When your child has worked hard on something, let them know that you noticed their hard work, even if the result wasn't quite what they wanted. For instance, say your child got a B on a spelling test, but they worked very hard through the whole week to get that B. You could say, "I know you wanted a higher grade, but I'm proud of you for working so hard. Sometimes, we don't get the result we want, but if you do your best and work hard, you can still be proud of yourself." | #* Another thing you can do is praise the child's accomplishments. When your child has worked hard on something, let them know that you noticed their hard work, even if the result wasn't quite what they wanted. For instance, say your child got a B on a spelling test, but they worked very hard through the whole week to get that B. You could say, "I know you wanted a higher grade, but I'm proud of you for working so hard. Sometimes, we don't get the result we want, but if you do your best and work hard, you can still be proud of yourself." | ||
| − | #Help your child learn emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify emotions in yourself and others. It also involves being able to deal with those emotions positively. Helping your child to develop emotional intelligence will help them deal with the other parent if your ex isn't being as emotionally nurturing. In addition, it will teach your child coping skills they need later in life.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2014/08/three-tips-to-teach-your-child-emotional-intelligence/</ref> | + | #Help your child learn emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify emotions in yourself and others. It also involves being able to deal with those emotions positively. Helping your child to develop emotional intelligence will help them deal with the other parent if your ex isn't being as emotionally nurturing. In addition, it will teach your child coping skills they need later in life.<ref name="rf8">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2014/08/three-tips-to-teach-your-child-emotional-intelligence/</ref> |
#* Start by helping your child identifying what they're feeling. For instance, when your child throws a toy, don't just react. Instead, sit the child down and say, "I think you're feeling frustrated because you couldn't figure out the toy. Frustration is when you are annoyed because you can't get something to go how you want." | #* Start by helping your child identifying what they're feeling. For instance, when your child throws a toy, don't just react. Instead, sit the child down and say, "I think you're feeling frustrated because you couldn't figure out the toy. Frustration is when you are annoyed because you can't get something to go how you want." | ||
#* Show empathy. When your child is upset, show you understand how it feels. For instance, you could say, "I know how upsetting frustration can feel. I feel frustrated sometimes, too." | #* Show empathy. When your child is upset, show you understand how it feels. For instance, you could say, "I know how upsetting frustration can feel. I feel frustrated sometimes, too." | ||
