Break Up with a Boy
Revision as of 02:47, 15 December 2016 by 72.184.176.71 (72.184.176.71) (importing article from wikihow)
If you've made up your mind that your relationship has no future, then there's no use in prolonging the pain. The sooner you break up with the boy you're with, the sooner you'll feel better. So how do you do it? Read on to find out.
Contents
Steps
Setting the Stage
- Figure out what you're going to say. Are you going to break up with him because he's not treating you right, because you've lost interest, or because you're both too busy to make it work? Whatever your reason, you have to figure out exactly what you're going to say and how you're going to say it. If it's something like you falling out of love or falling for someone else, then you can find a nice way of ending it that would cause the least damage.
- Though honesty is important, you don't have to tell him everything if it would only hurt him. If you've fallen out of love, you may not want to be so blunt about it.
- Drop some hints. You don't want him to completely break down if it comes as a shock. Though you shouldn't be too obvious about it, you don't want to throw your man completely off guard with the breakup. That means that he shouldn't think that everything is peachy keen the day before the break up, or even the week before. Once you've made up your mind, you should break up with him as soon as possible, but if you have to wait a few days to do it, then try to act more cold and distant in the meantime.
- Don't tell him how much you love him, or kiss him or act affectionate with him.
- Do it face-to-face if you can. Don't be a coward and send him a note, email, text, or phone call. Unless you're in a long distance relationship or he has a reputation for being violent when he gets bad news, you owe him the courtesy of meeting him in person one last time. If you don't do it in person, he'll reach out to you anyway, and you'll have to rehash the same painful conversation, but it won't be on your terms as much.
- If you don't do it in person, he will hold it against you after the relationship is over.
- Pick the right place and time. It's important to break up with the boy as soon as you can after making your decision. That being said, you shouldn't go and break up with him the second you you know it, or you might end up blurting it out in public or at an inopportune moment. Just pick a time when you'll be alone and will have some privacy, but nowhere romantic so he won't get the wrong idea.
- Don't go to one of your favorite hangouts, or he will be even more crushed with the bad news because he'll be thinking of all the great memories you've shared.
- Don't do it the second he gets off work or right before a big test. Pick a time when he'll be reasonably relaxed and won't have anything else to think or worry about.
Breaking Up with Him
- Tell him it's over. Tell him the truth (as much as you can). Don't be mean or tell lies—tell him simply that you don't think that the relationship is working out. Try to avoid "let's just be friends" or "it's not you, it's me," as these cliches will make it sound like you haven't put much thought into his feelings. Let him know that it's time to move on, that it just isn't working, and that you hope the two of you can do this maturely.
- Look him in the eyes when you're talking. Let him see that this is hurting you, too.
- After the break up, let him ask questions. It's likely that he will want a bigger explanation, even if he doesn't say it right away. Be open to talking to him. It will show him you're open to talking, and thus that you'll work to be a good friend when he's ready. It will also give him the closure that he may need to move on.
- He may not want to ask questions or talk at all, though he may come to you with questions later. That's fine. If he really doesn't want to talk, don't push it.
- Explain further if it's necessary. There are a number of ways he can react; if he's stunned into silence or just wants to leave right away, then fine. But he might really, really want to know why. And you might just have to tell him -- to the extent that you can without hurting his feelings. If you think he doesn't care about you, give him one or two concrete examples, as long as it doesn't sound accusatory.
- Usually, you won't need to go into it that much. If you have an idea that it's not working, then he will probably be on the same page.
- Avoid being too mean. Though you may be angry, hurt, or crushed, there's no need to go into it by calling him names, being rude, or making him feel even worse. You should go into it with your head held high, and have him think of you as positively as he can when he looks back on the relationship. No matter how bad things are, things were probably pretty good once, and there's no reason to ruin all that just because you're angry or hurt.
- If he really hurt you, of course, then this doesn't mean that you should be super nice to him. Just avoid cursing, slapping him, or being excessively mean.
- Keep it short. Once you've said your part and have answered a few of his questions, then it's time to say goodbye. There's really no point in lingering, sitting around crying and holding each other, and generally making yourselves more upset. The more you'll sit there, the more all of those feelings will come rushing back, and the more hurt, sad, confused, disappointed and heartbroken you both will feel.
- Once there's nothing left to say, say goodbye.
- Stand your ground. This is not a negotiation, but a notification. Don't let your boyfriend convince you that you should really be together, that you've got it all wrong, or that he'll change completely and be perfect for you. You've made up your mind, and there's no turning back now. You had good reasons for breaking up with him, and you should stick to them, no matter how hard it may be.
- It's important to be firm, and to make it clear that you are breaking up, not that you need some time apart. Let him know that it is OVER with a capital O.
- If you want to stay friends, tell him that. Be sure he knows that you want to give him time to get over you, though. Let him know that you're not going to make the first move at the friendship, but that once he feels ready to be friends he should give you a call. This will help give you both time apart to get over the relationship. Follow up on your promise to be friendly when he does call you.
- End on a good note. Though you both obviously won't be grinning ear to ear and hugging passionately as you say goodbye, you should try to make things as amicable and polite as possible, even if you feel like screaming your head off. Be kind, don't look like you're dying to get out of there, and tell your boyfriend that you're sorry for how he's feeling. Make it clear that you want things between you to be as positive as they can, even if you need some space in the beginning.
- Name-calling, flinging insults, or shouting at each other won't lead to anything but more pain.
Dealing with the Aftermath
- Don't try to be friends right away. This will not work, no matter what good friends you were before the relationship, or how amicably it all ended. There's just no chance you can go from BF/GF to BFF, so spare yourself the heartache of trying. Spend some time apart and even go a week or two without really talking if it's possible with your schedules. Try to avoid places where he'll be so you don't have to have awkward, painful conversations. Take the time to heal before you can decide whether friendship is on the horizon.
- If you do see him, there's no need to be rude or to run in the other direction. Be polite but keep things brief.
- Take some time to recover emotionally. Though you were the one who broke up with the boy, you will still be feeling confused, sad, and hurt. That's only natural. Both parties in a break-up have hard feelings, no matter who ends it. You may not be prepared for the fact that you might miss your boy and your relationship, but part of you will. So take it easy the next few weeks. Lean on your girlfriends, lay off the booze, and get some much-needed alone time.
- Don't jump in to a new relationship or start dating right away. You'll need some time to deal with it.
- Don't talk about him behind his back. Just because the two of you are broken up doesn't mean you can go spreading his deepest darkest secrets. You would want him to respect your privacy too, wouldn't you? Even if you're hurt or angry, you shouldn't lash or make yourself look like a gossip just because the relationship is over. If you do, then other guys may not be too excited about being your boyfriend.
- When you talk about the relationship to others, remain respectful.
- Keep the public hooking up with other guys to a minimum. A breakup is not a contest, and you're not going to win by hooking up with more people than your ex. If you can't help but enjoy the single life, keep the publicity to a minimum. Don't post statuses or pictures of it on Facebook, and don't parade around school with a new boy two days after the breakup. This will only make your ex feel worse.
- Even if you have jumped in to a new relationship pretty soon after the breakup, you shouldn't make it public right after the break up.
- See if you can be friends eventually. If enough time has passed -- and that could be months, or even a year or two -- and you can hang out with your ex without having any romantic or hurt feelings, then you may try out being friends. Hang out in a group setting, make sure both of you are not feeling romantic, and then try hanging out one on one from time to time if it makes you both happy.
- Remember that, unfortunately, this is not the most likely scenario.
Additional Help
Doc:Breakups,Ways to Get Over a Breakup,Negative Reactions to a Breakup
Tips
- Don't be too hard on yourself after the breakup. It's given that it's hard to be broken up with, but both parties are likely to be sad after the breakup. You're allowed days of depression. Just make sure you don't call or text him on the days when you're feeling down. The last thing you want to do is send mixed messages.
- Make sure you really want to break up with him, and make sure you are totally cool about it even if the reason sucks! Just be nice!
- Take a deep breath when you do this. It's nerve wracking to break someone's heart!
- Don't think too hard about it; just be who you are and say it nicely.
- Be comfortable in the situation.
Warnings
- Make sure he gets the point clearly, and don't let him manipulate you into continuing an unhealthy relationship.
- Don't use over-used break up lines like "it's not you, it's me..." It will only make him feel like you don't care about his feelings.
- Be rational, even if you don't like him, It doesn't mean you need to be snobby. Remember, he has friends, and if you ever happen to like any of them, this guy can tell them about you. So if you are friends with him afterwards, and not a total drama queen, he can pass on some nice info. that might help you.
- Try not to break up on the phone (texting or calling.) They are going to feel worse. Try to break up in person. Most important don't get a friend to do so. You went out with them they deserve to be broken up in person.
- Don't be snobby! Don't under any circumstances tell him something like "We need space for a while." Either break up with him or don't.
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