Difference between revisions of "Break up With a Woman"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
===Discussing the Breakup=== | ===Discussing the Breakup=== | ||
| − | #Verify that you truly want to go through with this. It is too easy to get caught up in the moment of an argument and break up without really wanting to do so. Take the time if you have had an argument or other issue to let your emotions settle and make sure you are not breaking up just as an emotional response to something you can get past.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/14/relationships-breaking-up-without-the-pain/</ref> | + | #Verify that you truly want to go through with this. It is too easy to get caught up in the moment of an argument and break up without really wanting to do so. Take the time if you have had an argument or other issue to let your emotions settle and make sure you are not breaking up just as an emotional response to something you can get past.<ref name="rf1">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/14/relationships-breaking-up-without-the-pain/</ref> |
#*While it may be tempting to talk this over with a friend or family member, it is important to make sure any choice you make is one that you can be okay with. You are the only one who can make this choice. Taking the time to make sure you are comfortable with this choice will prevent regret about the break up later. | #*While it may be tempting to talk this over with a friend or family member, it is important to make sure any choice you make is one that you can be okay with. You are the only one who can make this choice. Taking the time to make sure you are comfortable with this choice will prevent regret about the break up later. | ||
| − | #*For example, some good reasons that you may want to break up may be due to infidelity on either your part or your partner's, because you don't see the relationship going anywhere, because your partner's values don't align with your own, or because important people in your life are not supportive of the relationship.<ref>http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/ten-excellent-reasons-to-break-up/#.Vwa4GvkrKUk</ref> | + | #*For example, some good reasons that you may want to break up may be due to infidelity on either your part or your partner's, because you don't see the relationship going anywhere, because your partner's values don't align with your own, or because important people in your life are not supportive of the relationship.<ref name="rf2">http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/ten-excellent-reasons-to-break-up/#.Vwa4GvkrKUk</ref> |
#Write down your reasons for the breakup. Perhaps you could create a list to help you prepare for any questions she may have. It is tempting to focus on just the negative, but it may be more useful to make a pros and cons list to make sure you are actually ready to end the relationship. Putting your reasons on paper will help to clarify things and will also make sure when you are ready to talk to her without leaving anything out. | #Write down your reasons for the breakup. Perhaps you could create a list to help you prepare for any questions she may have. It is tempting to focus on just the negative, but it may be more useful to make a pros and cons list to make sure you are actually ready to end the relationship. Putting your reasons on paper will help to clarify things and will also make sure when you are ready to talk to her without leaving anything out. | ||
| − | #*Having an outline of the reasons for the break up is a great place to start a role play to practice for the conversation. Taking a few moments to rehearse how you want to have the conversation can help you avoid turning it into an ugly argument.<ref>http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating-advice-for-you/how-to-break-up-with-someone-without-being-mean-or-hurtful/#.Vvx6UkfXt5c</ref> | + | #*Having an outline of the reasons for the break up is a great place to start a role play to practice for the conversation. Taking a few moments to rehearse how you want to have the conversation can help you avoid turning it into an ugly argument.<ref name="rf3">http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating-advice-for-you/how-to-break-up-with-someone-without-being-mean-or-hurtful/#.Vvx6UkfXt5c</ref> |
#*For example, you might truly enjoy how your partner makes you smile or feel good about yourself. However, you may also think she's overly clingy or doesn't like you to have your own friends or interests. Weighing the pros and cons can guide you in your decision. | #*For example, you might truly enjoy how your partner makes you smile or feel good about yourself. However, you may also think she's overly clingy or doesn't like you to have your own friends or interests. Weighing the pros and cons can guide you in your decision. | ||
| − | #Arrange to meet in a semi-public place. The last thing you want to do is avoid the person and the situation, so meeting in public in a reasonable amount of time after your decision will help in making the break up as easy and peaceful as possible.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately</ref> | + | #Arrange to meet in a semi-public place. The last thing you want to do is avoid the person and the situation, so meeting in public in a reasonable amount of time after your decision will help in making the break up as easy and peaceful as possible.<ref name="rf4">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately</ref> |
#*Avoiding her or trying to end things behind closed doors can only lead to problems. It is much better to diffuse a situation in a calm, yet public space. | #*Avoiding her or trying to end things behind closed doors can only lead to problems. It is much better to diffuse a situation in a calm, yet public space. | ||
| − | #Use “I” statements to explain why you are breaking up with her. This type of statement can help you make your own feelings clear without blame or making accusations. It is also much harder for the other person to argue with “I” statements because they are on a basic level how you and only you feel.<ref>http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm</ref> | + | #Use “I” statements to explain why you are breaking up with her. This type of statement can help you make your own feelings clear without blame or making accusations. It is also much harder for the other person to argue with “I” statements because they are on a basic level how you and only you feel.<ref name="rf5">http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm</ref> |
#*An “I” statement follows a simple pattern: I feel (insert emotion) when you (insert their action or behavior) because (explain why the behavior is a problem). You are owning your own emotion but also explaining how you got there. | #*An “I” statement follows a simple pattern: I feel (insert emotion) when you (insert their action or behavior) because (explain why the behavior is a problem). You are owning your own emotion but also explaining how you got there. | ||
#*For instance, you might say "I feel ignored when you place your career in front of me because I have always put you first. I think I need to focus on what's best for me right now and make myself and my future top priority." | #*For instance, you might say "I feel ignored when you place your career in front of me because I have always put you first. I think I need to focus on what's best for me right now and make myself and my future top priority." | ||
| − | #Avoid blame. Stick with the facts. Getting caught up in the blame game clouds the real issues and doesn’t give either party a clear end to the relationship. The facts clarify without getting mean or destructive.<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2</ref> | + | #Avoid blame. Stick with the facts. Getting caught up in the blame game clouds the real issues and doesn’t give either party a clear end to the relationship. The facts clarify without getting mean or destructive.<ref name="rf6">http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2</ref> |
#*You can avoid blame by making sure you use "I" statements that allow you to take ownership of your feelings about the relationship or your partner. For instance, if you said "I want to break up with you because you are always saying you will call but never do," this type of blaming statement will likely cause your partner to become defensive. | #*You can avoid blame by making sure you use "I" statements that allow you to take ownership of your feelings about the relationship or your partner. For instance, if you said "I want to break up with you because you are always saying you will call but never do," this type of blaming statement will likely cause your partner to become defensive. | ||
| − | #Give her an opportunity to respond by actively listening. She may or may not see the break up coming, but she will feel better if she at the very least has a chance to respond. Taking the time to understand how to actively listen will help you to avoid arguing and also let her feel heard.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/</ref> | + | #Give her an opportunity to respond by actively listening. She may or may not see the break up coming, but she will feel better if she at the very least has a chance to respond. Taking the time to understand how to actively listen will help you to avoid arguing and also let her feel heard.<ref name="rf7">http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/</ref> |
#*A big part of active listening is being able to mirror back her statements to her so she knows you heard what she was saying and understand. For example, you might say something like "If I'm not wrong, it sounds like you're trying to say..." | #*A big part of active listening is being able to mirror back her statements to her so she knows you heard what she was saying and understand. For example, you might say something like "If I'm not wrong, it sounds like you're trying to say..." | ||
#*Listening does not mean you are agreeing with anything. Instead your devoting some attention to her feelings and response gives her the chance to say what she needs to say to get closure. | #*Listening does not mean you are agreeing with anything. Instead your devoting some attention to her feelings and response gives her the chance to say what she needs to say to get closure. | ||
| − | #*Another part of active listening is your body language. Make sure you turn to face her. Also, uncross your arms and legs, which can be a sign of defensiveness.<ref>http://business.uni.edu/buscomm/nonverbal/body%20language.htm</ref> | + | #*Another part of active listening is your body language. Make sure you turn to face her. Also, uncross your arms and legs, which can be a sign of defensiveness.<ref name="rf8">http://business.uni.edu/buscomm/nonverbal/body%20language.htm</ref> |
===Avoiding Disaster=== | ===Avoiding Disaster=== | ||
| − | #Refrain from saying “It’s not you, it’s me.” Avoiding blame all together is a much better approach to breaking things without hurting the other person more than the break up may already hurt them. Making the conversation to the point without blaming either her or yourself is a much clearer and compassionate approach.<ref | + | #Refrain from saying “It’s not you, it’s me.” Avoiding blame all together is a much better approach to breaking things without hurting the other person more than the break up may already hurt them. Making the conversation to the point without blaming either her or yourself is a much clearer and compassionate approach.<ref name="rf4" /> |
| − | #*Telling the other person “It’s not you, it’s me” may seem like a gentle way to end things, but it leaves too much up in the air to be misinterpreted. That statement may leave you open for them thinking they can “fix” you since you are the one that is broken. It also can come off as being a cop-out or even cliché.<ref>http://www.professional-counselling.com/how-to-break-up.html</ref> | + | #*Telling the other person “It’s not you, it’s me” may seem like a gentle way to end things, but it leaves too much up in the air to be misinterpreted. That statement may leave you open for them thinking they can “fix” you since you are the one that is broken. It also can come off as being a cop-out or even cliché.<ref name="rf9">http://www.professional-counselling.com/how-to-break-up.html</ref> |
| − | #Break up in person--not over the phone or email. This gives both parties closure and also allows you to make sure you give them the level of respect you should as things end. Even if it is uncomfortable, in the long run it is the best way to handle things and to avoid any confusion.<ref | + | #Break up in person--not over the phone or email. This gives both parties closure and also allows you to make sure you give them the level of respect you should as things end. Even if it is uncomfortable, in the long run it is the best way to handle things and to avoid any confusion.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#*Although you may prefer to communicate with your partner via the phone, text or email, it is never a good idea to use those modes of communication to end things. This can come off as avoiding the other person and may make them angry or upset. | #*Although you may prefer to communicate with your partner via the phone, text or email, it is never a good idea to use those modes of communication to end things. This can come off as avoiding the other person and may make them angry or upset. | ||
| − | #Save the offer of friendship, as doing so could be even more insulting. In the moment it is important to make the break up clear and a definite end. A big part of this would be avoiding anything that may come off as being manipulative, including offering friendship if it isn’t possible or to just avoid the issue altogether.<ref | + | #Save the offer of friendship, as doing so could be even more insulting. In the moment it is important to make the break up clear and a definite end. A big part of this would be avoiding anything that may come off as being manipulative, including offering friendship if it isn’t possible or to just avoid the issue altogether.<ref name="rf4" /> |
===Handling Further Contact=== | ===Handling Further Contact=== | ||
| − | #Do not reach out to her. This could give her false hope of reuniting. Keeping clear boundaries without any hint of negotiating or fixing the relationship may seem harsh but it avoids misunderstandings.<ref>http://teens.webmd.com/features/how-to-break-up-with-someone</ref> | + | #Do not reach out to her. This could give her false hope of reuniting. Keeping clear boundaries without any hint of negotiating or fixing the relationship may seem harsh but it avoids misunderstandings.<ref name="rf10">http://teens.webmd.com/features/how-to-break-up-with-someone</ref> |
| − | #*You will need to figure out if you want to delete things like social media connections. In the short term it might be better to make a clean break and not have an easy way for the other person to see your daily life. It’s often best to give each other a clean break for at least 6 months including ties on social media.<ref>http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/11/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-especially-in-the-digital-age/</ref> | + | #*You will need to figure out if you want to delete things like social media connections. In the short term it might be better to make a clean break and not have an easy way for the other person to see your daily life. It’s often best to give each other a clean break for at least 6 months including ties on social media.<ref name="rf11">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/11/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-especially-in-the-digital-age/</ref> |
#Steer clear of places where you know she might be to give her space. Just as with social media, a clean break is usually best. You may still cross paths but you should out of respect at least try to avoid this happening. There may be places you both just have to be like school, or work, but avoiding places you have a choice about will cut down in the likely hood of it happening over and over. | #Steer clear of places where you know she might be to give her space. Just as with social media, a clean break is usually best. You may still cross paths but you should out of respect at least try to avoid this happening. There may be places you both just have to be like school, or work, but avoiding places you have a choice about will cut down in the likely hood of it happening over and over. | ||
| − | #Be cordial if you must see the other person regularly. In some cases, your lives may be closely intertwined and it's impossible to avoid your ex. In these situations, just be sure to acknowledge your ex, but keep the interaction to a minimum.<ref>http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/06/how-to-survive-seeing-your-ex-in-public-without-falling-to-pieces/</ref> | + | #Be cordial if you must see the other person regularly. In some cases, your lives may be closely intertwined and it's impossible to avoid your ex. In these situations, just be sure to acknowledge your ex, but keep the interaction to a minimum.<ref name="rf12">http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/06/how-to-survive-seeing-your-ex-in-public-without-falling-to-pieces/</ref> |
#*For example, if you run into your partner on the way to work or class, simply nod your head or say "Hi" and then continue on your way. This shows respect as opposed to looking the other way or avoiding contact with your ex. | #*For example, if you run into your partner on the way to work or class, simply nod your head or say "Hi" and then continue on your way. This shows respect as opposed to looking the other way or avoiding contact with your ex. | ||
| − | #Prepare a short, neutral response to others about the breakup. It can be incredibly tempting to bad mouth your ex if the relationship went downhill due to an indiscretion on her behalf. Avoid this at all costs. Be the bigger person and keep your mouth shut about the messy details of the breakup. Instead, prepare a short statement that explains that the two of you are no longer together. Save the venting and bad-mouthing.<ref>http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-pieces-of-ex-etiquette/</ref> | + | #Prepare a short, neutral response to others about the breakup. It can be incredibly tempting to bad mouth your ex if the relationship went downhill due to an indiscretion on her behalf. Avoid this at all costs. Be the bigger person and keep your mouth shut about the messy details of the breakup. Instead, prepare a short statement that explains that the two of you are no longer together. Save the venting and bad-mouthing.<ref name="rf13">http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-pieces-of-ex-etiquette/</ref> |
#*A short response to explain the breakup might sound like "Oh, yeah, Donna and I are no longer together. It wasn't working out." Resist the urge to further explain or put your ex down. | #*A short response to explain the breakup might sound like "Oh, yeah, Donna and I are no longer together. It wasn't working out." Resist the urge to further explain or put your ex down. | ||
#Delay making a new relationship public for some time. Social media plays a huge part in many lives, but a new relationship doesn’t need to be broadcast publicly. This can be as simple as making your relationship status invisible online to avoid hurt feelings on the other side. Part of making a clean break is giving the other person time to move on without feelings of betrayal or anger. | #Delay making a new relationship public for some time. Social media plays a huge part in many lives, but a new relationship doesn’t need to be broadcast publicly. This can be as simple as making your relationship status invisible online to avoid hurt feelings on the other side. Part of making a clean break is giving the other person time to move on without feelings of betrayal or anger. | ||
| − | #*Announcing a new relationship on social media may seem harmless, but sometimes checking up on social media is a way the other person keeps tabs on you. It’s better to just assume the ex may read the posts and be hurt by them.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/07/02/compulsively-checking-up-on-ex/</ref> | + | #*Announcing a new relationship on social media may seem harmless, but sometimes checking up on social media is a way the other person keeps tabs on you. It’s better to just assume the ex may read the posts and be hurt by them.<ref name="rf14">http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/07/02/compulsively-checking-up-on-ex/</ref> |
=== Sample Breakup Solutions === | === Sample Breakup Solutions === | ||
