Difference between revisions of "Break up With a Married Man"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
===Preparing for the Break Up Conversation=== | ===Preparing for the Break Up Conversation=== | ||
| − | # Consider why you have decided to break up with him. If you are anxious or uncertain about whether or not it is the right decision to break up with the married man, it may help to make a list of the reasons why the relationship is not working. You may feel it is time to end the relationship due to frustration with his inability to leave his wife, guilt due to his constant lying to you and to his family, or anger at being “the other woman”. It can help to remind yourself of the reasons why it may be time to end the affair as you prepare to have the break up conversation with the married man.<ref>http://motherhood.modernmom.com/inner-strength-leave-married-man-15110.html</ref> | + | # Consider why you have decided to break up with him. If you are anxious or uncertain about whether or not it is the right decision to break up with the married man, it may help to make a list of the reasons why the relationship is not working. You may feel it is time to end the relationship due to frustration with his inability to leave his wife, guilt due to his constant lying to you and to his family, or anger at being “the other woman”. It can help to remind yourself of the reasons why it may be time to end the affair as you prepare to have the break up conversation with the married man.<ref name="rf1">http://motherhood.modernmom.com/inner-strength-leave-married-man-15110.html</ref> |
| − | #*Many married men who have affairs will offer very similar excuses as to why they are cheating on their spouse and why they cannot leave their spouse. For example, “I haven’t divorced her because of the children,” “I don’t love her anymore and I don’t think I ever did”, or “We don’t sleep together and haven’t for a very long time”.<ref>http://www.military.com/spouse/relationships/ms-vicki-married-man-lies.html</ref> | + | #*Many married men who have affairs will offer very similar excuses as to why they are cheating on their spouse and why they cannot leave their spouse. For example, “I haven’t divorced her because of the children,” “I don’t love her anymore and I don’t think I ever did”, or “We don’t sleep together and haven’t for a very long time”.<ref name="rf2">http://www.military.com/spouse/relationships/ms-vicki-married-man-lies.html</ref> |
#*Though you may have believed these excuses when you first became involved with the married man, over time you may get tired of hearing these excuses and be frustrated that the married man seems incapable of leaving his spouse, even when he claims to be unhappy or unfulfilled. It will likely be up to you to end the relationship, as the married man may be content to string you along and continue to use the same excuses. | #*Though you may have believed these excuses when you first became involved with the married man, over time you may get tired of hearing these excuses and be frustrated that the married man seems incapable of leaving his spouse, even when he claims to be unhappy or unfulfilled. It will likely be up to you to end the relationship, as the married man may be content to string you along and continue to use the same excuses. | ||
| − | # Reach out to family and friends. Though you may not want to tell your family or close friends about the affair, you can lean on them for support in other ways. Spending quality time with family and friends, away from the married man, can help you gain perspective on the relationship and remind yourself that you have other meaningful relationships in your life besides the affair.<ref | + | # Reach out to family and friends. Though you may not want to tell your family or close friends about the affair, you can lean on them for support in other ways. Spending quality time with family and friends, away from the married man, can help you gain perspective on the relationship and remind yourself that you have other meaningful relationships in your life besides the affair.<ref name="rf1" /> |
#*If you do have a family member or friend you feel you can confide in, talk to them about your feelings around the affair and your decision to end it. Sometimes expressing your emotions and feelings to a sympathetic ear can help you figure out the motivations behind your decision and feel you have support in your decision to walk away from the relationship. | #*If you do have a family member or friend you feel you can confide in, talk to them about your feelings around the affair and your decision to end it. Sometimes expressing your emotions and feelings to a sympathetic ear can help you figure out the motivations behind your decision and feel you have support in your decision to walk away from the relationship. | ||
#*If you do not feel comfortable sharing your feelings with anyone, you can write down your thoughts in a journal or a diary. Working through your emotions on the page may help to prepare you for the break up conversation and give you an outlet to vent about the relationship. | #*If you do not feel comfortable sharing your feelings with anyone, you can write down your thoughts in a journal or a diary. Working through your emotions on the page may help to prepare you for the break up conversation and give you an outlet to vent about the relationship. | ||
| − | # Re focus on your needs and your priorities. It’s important that you prepare yourself in active ways by re focusing on your needs and your priorities. Practice self care by [[Maintain | + | # Re focus on your needs and your priorities. It’s important that you prepare yourself in active ways by re focusing on your needs and your priorities. Practice self care by [[Maintain a Balanced Diet|eating a balanced diet]], [[Exercise|exercising]] regularly, and [[Have a Good Night's Sleep|getting eight to nine hours of sleep a night]]. You can also take up stress-management techniques like yoga or meditation. Taking good care of yourself will help you to move on from the relationship after the break up, both physically and mentally.<ref name="rf3">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/breakup_b_1726268.html</ref> |
#*Rather than devote your time to analyzing what went wrong with the relationship, focus on a new hobby or passion, or on developing stronger skills at your job. Prioritizing your career and your well being over the needs of the married man can help you to feel empowered and stable on your own. | #*Rather than devote your time to analyzing what went wrong with the relationship, focus on a new hobby or passion, or on developing stronger skills at your job. Prioritizing your career and your well being over the needs of the married man can help you to feel empowered and stable on your own. | ||
===Having the Break Up Conversation=== | ===Having the Break Up Conversation=== | ||
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# Use “I” statements. To ensure you are understood clearly by the married man, focus on “I” statements, such as: “I feel that you are not committed to our relationship and I am not comfortable being the other woman,” or “I think we should end our affair. I am tired of all the lying and sneaking around.” | # Use “I” statements. To ensure you are understood clearly by the married man, focus on “I” statements, such as: “I feel that you are not committed to our relationship and I am not comfortable being the other woman,” or “I think we should end our affair. I am tired of all the lying and sneaking around.” | ||
#*At this point, the married man may try to persuade you to change your mind or use excuses he has used in the past. Resist this by providing reasons why you think it is time to end the relationship and by being clear that you have made your decision. Using “I” statements will show you are being accountable for your decision and are expressing your feelings without blaming or accusing the married man. This will keep the conversation controlled and prevent it from devolving into a shouting match. | #*At this point, the married man may try to persuade you to change your mind or use excuses he has used in the past. Resist this by providing reasons why you think it is time to end the relationship and by being clear that you have made your decision. Using “I” statements will show you are being accountable for your decision and are expressing your feelings without blaming or accusing the married man. This will keep the conversation controlled and prevent it from devolving into a shouting match. | ||
| − | # Be firm about your desire to end the relationship. Once you have stated your intentions to end the relationship, be firm about your decision by rejecting any excuses the married man may use and walking away if he tries to persuade you to change your mind. <ref | + | # Be firm about your desire to end the relationship. Once you have stated your intentions to end the relationship, be firm about your decision by rejecting any excuses the married man may use and walking away if he tries to persuade you to change your mind. <ref name="rf2" /> |
#*For example, you may say: "It's no use arguing about this anymore. I'm not going to change my mind and I hope you can respect my decision by not contacting me in any way. I think we both need time apart to accept the break up." | #*For example, you may say: "It's no use arguing about this anymore. I'm not going to change my mind and I hope you can respect my decision by not contacting me in any way. I think we both need time apart to accept the break up." | ||
#*You may want to cut communication with him to give him time to accept your decision and to avoid being tempted to renew the relationship. Avoid calling, texting, or emailing him, and do not answer any of his messages if he reaches out to you. Doing this will show him you are serious about your decision to end the relationship and will also help you to move on from the relationship. | #*You may want to cut communication with him to give him time to accept your decision and to avoid being tempted to renew the relationship. Avoid calling, texting, or emailing him, and do not answer any of his messages if he reaches out to you. Doing this will show him you are serious about your decision to end the relationship and will also help you to move on from the relationship. | ||
