Difference between revisions of "Break off an Engagement"
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== Steps == | == Steps == | ||
===Handling the Emotional Hardship=== | ===Handling the Emotional Hardship=== | ||
| − | #Evaluate your reasons. Most people feel at least some degree of anxiety before getting married, so it's important to evaluate exactly how you are feeling and what's causing you to feel that way. Depending on the cause of your doubts, it may be best to call off the engagement, or you might just need to work through some issues.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/16/top-9-causes-of-pre-wedding-jitters/</ref> | + | #Evaluate your reasons. Most people feel at least some degree of anxiety before getting married, so it's important to evaluate exactly how you are feeling and what's causing you to feel that way. Depending on the cause of your doubts, it may be best to call off the engagement, or you might just need to work through some issues.<ref name="rf1">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/16/top-9-causes-of-pre-wedding-jitters/</ref> |
#*It is possible that you may be stressed about planning the wedding or being in the spotlight on the big day. If this is the reason for your doubts, you don't need to call the engagement off, but you may want to get someone to help you plan or even scale back your wedding plans. | #*It is possible that you may be stressed about planning the wedding or being in the spotlight on the big day. If this is the reason for your doubts, you don't need to call the engagement off, but you may want to get someone to help you plan or even scale back your wedding plans. | ||
#*If you are unsure about your compatibility or your own ability to be a husband or wife, you and your fiancé(e) may benefit from therapy. | #*If you are unsure about your compatibility or your own ability to be a husband or wife, you and your fiancé(e) may benefit from therapy. | ||
#*If you are having doubts because you are not sure if you and your fiancé(e) will be in agreement on big issues, like having kids or moving to a new city, you need to talk about these issues before you decide whether or not to call off the engagement. | #*If you are having doubts because you are not sure if you and your fiancé(e) will be in agreement on big issues, like having kids or moving to a new city, you need to talk about these issues before you decide whether or not to call off the engagement. | ||
#*If your partner is abusive in any way, you should end the relationship right away. | #*If your partner is abusive in any way, you should end the relationship right away. | ||
| − | #*If you are having doubts about the marriage because you love someone else, it may be best to call off the engagement. Your feelings are unlikely to go away.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201302/cold-feet-the-wedding</ref> | + | #*If you are having doubts about the marriage because you love someone else, it may be best to call off the engagement. Your feelings are unlikely to go away.<ref name="rf2">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201302/cold-feet-the-wedding</ref> |
| − | #Don't ignore your feelings. If you continue to have nagging doubts even after working through your feelings, don't just assume that it is normal. Research has shown that couples who have doubts about their marriage going into it are much more likely to be unhappy later on and to eventually get divorced.<ref>http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/250238.php</ref> | + | #Don't ignore your feelings. If you continue to have nagging doubts even after working through your feelings, don't just assume that it is normal. Research has shown that couples who have doubts about their marriage going into it are much more likely to be unhappy later on and to eventually get divorced.<ref name="rf3">http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/250238.php</ref> |
#*Women tend to have fewer doubts about getting married than men do, but women's pre-wedding doubts are also more highly correlated with divorce. The odds of divorce are even higher if both partners are doubtful before the wedding. | #*Women tend to have fewer doubts about getting married than men do, but women's pre-wedding doubts are also more highly correlated with divorce. The odds of divorce are even higher if both partners are doubtful before the wedding. | ||
| − | #*Remember that being anxious about getting married is not the same thing as having doubts. If you are truly doubting your decision, you need to do something about it.<ref>http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/16/brides-got-cold-feet-listen-to-your-head/</ref> | + | #*Remember that being anxious about getting married is not the same thing as having doubts. If you are truly doubting your decision, you need to do something about it.<ref name="rf4">http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/16/brides-got-cold-feet-listen-to-your-head/</ref> |
| − | #Consider the future of the relationship. In some cases, you may want to call of your engagement and end your relationship with your partner all together, but in other cases, you may want to leave your options open. It is possible to call of an engagement but still remain in a relationship with your partner, especially if you feel that you need more time to grow in your relationship before committing to marriage.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink-wrap/201405/uma-thurman-when-do-you-cancel-or-postpone-your-engagement</ref> | + | #Consider the future of the relationship. In some cases, you may want to call of your engagement and end your relationship with your partner all together, but in other cases, you may want to leave your options open. It is possible to call of an engagement but still remain in a relationship with your partner, especially if you feel that you need more time to grow in your relationship before committing to marriage.<ref name="rf5">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink-wrap/201405/uma-thurman-when-do-you-cancel-or-postpone-your-engagement</ref> |
#*Make sure you know exactly how you feel before you tell your partner and communicate your desire very clearly. | #*Make sure you know exactly how you feel before you tell your partner and communicate your desire very clearly. | ||
| − | #Get support. It might be difficult for you to truly understand the sources of your doubts, so it's a good idea to talk to an unbiased third party about your feelings. Whether you choose to confide in a a friend or a professional therapist, an outside opinion can help you understand the nature of your doubts.<ref | + | #Get support. It might be difficult for you to truly understand the sources of your doubts, so it's a good idea to talk to an unbiased third party about your feelings. Whether you choose to confide in a a friend or a professional therapist, an outside opinion can help you understand the nature of your doubts.<ref name="rf4" /> |
| − | #Ignore the expenses. People sometimes feel as if they have no choice but to get married once the wedding has already been planned, but you can call it off at any time. Even though you might lose your deposits or be embarrassed to tell all of your guests that the wedding is cancelled, calling off an engagement will still be less costly than getting divorced.<ref | + | #Ignore the expenses. People sometimes feel as if they have no choice but to get married once the wedding has already been planned, but you can call it off at any time. Even though you might lose your deposits or be embarrassed to tell all of your guests that the wedding is cancelled, calling off an engagement will still be less costly than getting divorced.<ref name="rf4" /> |
#*If you are thinking about calling off your engagement but are not sure, avoid making nonrefundable deposits or buying expensive items for your wedding. | #*If you are thinking about calling off your engagement but are not sure, avoid making nonrefundable deposits or buying expensive items for your wedding. | ||
===Breaking the News to Your Partner=== | ===Breaking the News to Your Partner=== | ||
| − | #Don't drag your feet. If you're sure you want to call off the engagement, do it as soon as possible. Even though it might be scary, it will only cause more harm to your partner if you put it off.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/breakup-etiquette-what-say-when-end-relationship-tips</ref> | + | #Don't drag your feet. If you're sure you want to call off the engagement, do it as soon as possible. Even though it might be scary, it will only cause more harm to your partner if you put it off.<ref name="rf6">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/breakup-etiquette-what-say-when-end-relationship-tips</ref> |
| − | #Talk in person. You should never break this kind of news to someone over a text message or email, no matter how nervous you are about the other person's reaction. As hard as it may be, the right thing to do is to have an honest face-to-face conversation with your partner.<ref>http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2</ref> | + | #Talk in person. You should never break this kind of news to someone over a text message or email, no matter how nervous you are about the other person's reaction. As hard as it may be, the right thing to do is to have an honest face-to-face conversation with your partner.<ref name="rf7">http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2</ref> |
#*A phone call is better than a text or email, but a face-to-face conversation is still preferable. | #*A phone call is better than a text or email, but a face-to-face conversation is still preferable. | ||
| − | #Be straightforward. It's important to be upfront with your fiancé(e) about why you don't want to go through with the marriage and what you want the future of the relationship to look like. If you never want to see your partner again, don't say that you might be able to work things out down the road.<ref | + | #Be straightforward. It's important to be upfront with your fiancé(e) about why you don't want to go through with the marriage and what you want the future of the relationship to look like. If you never want to see your partner again, don't say that you might be able to work things out down the road.<ref name="rf7" /> |
#*There's no reason to bring up every disagreement the two of you have ever had. While you do want to give a reason for the breakup, don't go overboard with a laundry list of complaints. | #*There's no reason to bring up every disagreement the two of you have ever had. While you do want to give a reason for the breakup, don't go overboard with a laundry list of complaints. | ||
#*Make sure to give your partner the opportunity to ask questions, and always answer them sincerely. | #*Make sure to give your partner the opportunity to ask questions, and always answer them sincerely. | ||
| − | #Be respectful. When it comes time to tell your fiancé(e) that you don't want to get married, it's important to be as tactful as possible. You want to make the breakup as easy for both of you as it can be.<ref | + | #Be respectful. When it comes time to tell your fiancé(e) that you don't want to get married, it's important to be as tactful as possible. You want to make the breakup as easy for both of you as it can be.<ref name="rf6" /> |
#*Never yell or call your partner names when breaking up. | #*Never yell or call your partner names when breaking up. | ||
#*Even if you are calling the relationship off for good, there's no reason you can't acknowledge that you will miss your partner. Depending on the situation, you can even explain how much your relationship meant to you. | #*Even if you are calling the relationship off for good, there's no reason you can't acknowledge that you will miss your partner. Depending on the situation, you can even explain how much your relationship meant to you. | ||
===Dealing With the Legal and Financial Aspects=== | ===Dealing With the Legal and Financial Aspects=== | ||
| − | #Notify guests. If you have already invited guests to your wedding, you need to notify them in writing that the wedding is cancelled as soon as possible.<ref>http://www.forbes.com/2008/06/06/wedding-expense-refund-oped-cx_mb_0606cancel.html</ref> | + | #Notify guests. If you have already invited guests to your wedding, you need to notify them in writing that the wedding is cancelled as soon as possible.<ref name="rf8">http://www.forbes.com/2008/06/06/wedding-expense-refund-oped-cx_mb_0606cancel.html</ref> |
#*It's up to you whether or not you want to offer an explanation as to why the wedding is cancelled. | #*It's up to you whether or not you want to offer an explanation as to why the wedding is cancelled. | ||
#*You also need to return any gifts you have received. It's not fair to keep them if you're not going through with the wedding. | #*You also need to return any gifts you have received. It's not fair to keep them if you're not going through with the wedding. | ||
#*If you cancel right before the wedding, it's best to call each guest personally to let them know. | #*If you cancel right before the wedding, it's best to call each guest personally to let them know. | ||
#*Make sure to apologize to your guests for the inconvenience if they have already booked travel plans to come to your wedding. | #*Make sure to apologize to your guests for the inconvenience if they have already booked travel plans to come to your wedding. | ||
| − | #Get as much money back as you can. Depending on how far along you are with wedding plans, you may have already spent a lot of money. As soon as you decide to call off the engagement, contact all of your vendors right away to let them know. Be prepared to lose at least some money in deposits and on nonrefundable items, like a dress that has been altered for you.<ref | + | #Get as much money back as you can. Depending on how far along you are with wedding plans, you may have already spent a lot of money. As soon as you decide to call off the engagement, contact all of your vendors right away to let them know. Be prepared to lose at least some money in deposits and on nonrefundable items, like a dress that has been altered for you.<ref name="rf8" /> |
#*The earlier you cancel, the more likely you are to get your deposit back from your venue because they may still have time to book another wedding on the day you had reserved. | #*The earlier you cancel, the more likely you are to get your deposit back from your venue because they may still have time to book another wedding on the day you had reserved. | ||
#*You vendors will probably be more sympathetic to your situation if you are nice about it, so don't argue with them over a refund. | #*You vendors will probably be more sympathetic to your situation if you are nice about it, so don't argue with them over a refund. | ||
#*If you have a wedding insurance policy, check to see if it covers weddings that are cancelled due to a change of heart. | #*If you have a wedding insurance policy, check to see if it covers weddings that are cancelled due to a change of heart. | ||
| − | #Divide joint property. If you and your partner own property together, whether it's a house or personal belongings like a television and furniture, you will need to decide who keeps them. You can work out an agreement together, or you can take the issue to court if you can't agree.<ref>http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter10-7.html</ref> | + | #Divide joint property. If you and your partner own property together, whether it's a house or personal belongings like a television and furniture, you will need to decide who keeps them. You can work out an agreement together, or you can take the issue to court if you can't agree.<ref name="rf9">http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter10-7.html</ref> |
| − | #*If you and your fiancé(e) have a pet together, you will also have to decide who will take it. If a couple cannot agree, the case sometimes goes to court, in which case the judge will examine factors such as who adopted the pet, who cares for the pet, and who is best capable of caring for the pet in the future.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/who-gets-the-dog</ref> | + | #*If you and your fiancé(e) have a pet together, you will also have to decide who will take it. If a couple cannot agree, the case sometimes goes to court, in which case the judge will examine factors such as who adopted the pet, who cares for the pet, and who is best capable of caring for the pet in the future.<ref name="rf10">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/who-gets-the-dog</ref> |
#*If you and your partner live together, whether you own or lease, you will need to decide who will stay and who will go. It's a good idea to have a plan for where you will go after you break off the engagement. | #*If you and your partner live together, whether you own or lease, you will need to decide who will stay and who will go. It's a good idea to have a plan for where you will go after you break off the engagement. | ||
| − | #Decide what you will do with the ring. If you have already given or received an engagement ring, but now you want to call the wedding off, you need to decide what will happen to the ring. Try to decide ahead of time what you want to do about the ring and how much of an argument you're willing to let it turn into.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201408/who-should-keep-the-engagement-ring-after-breakup</ref> | + | #Decide what you will do with the ring. If you have already given or received an engagement ring, but now you want to call the wedding off, you need to decide what will happen to the ring. Try to decide ahead of time what you want to do about the ring and how much of an argument you're willing to let it turn into.<ref name="rf11">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201408/who-should-keep-the-engagement-ring-after-breakup</ref> |
#*Some states have laws regarding whether the recipient of the ring is entitled to keep it or required to give it back, so you may have no choice, assuming your partner brings you to court over it. | #*Some states have laws regarding whether the recipient of the ring is entitled to keep it or required to give it back, so you may have no choice, assuming your partner brings you to court over it. | ||
| − | #Be prepared for a battle. Breaking off an engagement will be heartbreaking no matter what, but it can also bring legal trouble. If your partner puts up a fight over property or other issues, you may have to get a lawyer to represent you.<ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/can-you-really-sue-someone-breaking-you</ref> | + | #Be prepared for a battle. Breaking off an engagement will be heartbreaking no matter what, but it can also bring legal trouble. If your partner puts up a fight over property or other issues, you may have to get a lawyer to represent you.<ref name="rf12">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/can-you-really-sue-someone-breaking-you</ref> |
#*In some states, your ex-fiancé(e) may even be able to sue you for breach of promise to marry. | #*In some states, your ex-fiancé(e) may even be able to sue you for breach of promise to marry. | ||
== Tips == | == Tips == | ||
