Break up With Your Significant Other when You Are Already Dating Someone Else
Revision as of 19:40, 2 February 2017 by Kipkis (Kipkis | contribs) (importing article from wikihow)
Nobody enjoys having to break up with someone––but it can be even more difficult when you’ve already moved on both mentally and in action, and have a new significant other in your life. If you've already started seeing someone new but haven’t mustered the courage yet to break it off with your current squeeze, it's vital that you do so, including clarifying things for the new person in your life who will need reassuring that you're not flip-flopping between lovers.
This article suggests some steps to help ease the transition. And the sooner you do it, the better because eventually it's all going to get found out!
Contents
Steps
- Evaluate your original relationship. Consider why you started seeing someone else while you were still in a relationship. Did you and your significant other simply grow apart or did something happen that made you stray? It’s important to understand why you started dating another person in order to make the break up as painless as possible. Make a list of at least three reasons why you may have mentally left your original relationship and started dating another person.
- How compelling are the reasons? Are they enough to stay with the new person or do you feel that this has been a big mistake? You need to know this now before you're a pond full of regrets.
- Ponder your current relationship. Perform the same mental analysis with your new steady as you did with your original mate. Why did you start dating this person and what attracted you to the relationship? Most importantly, does the new person know that you're currently dating someone else? If your new boyfriend or girlfriend is in the dark, this may cause problems later down the road, especially if you become serious and yet you've not acted as if you have treated the relationship seriously. As with your original mate, list three or more reasons why you have entered into this new relationship and how it will differ from the previous relationship.
- Are these reasons compelling enough to want your new date to completely take the place of your current lover? Again, ensure that there is no ambiguity in your reasoning.
- Check your calendar for the best time to meet with your original boyfriend or girlfriend. Timing is everything. Avoid major life events such as holidays, birthdays or anniversaries––especially if the anniversary marks a sad occasion such as the death of a loved one. Select a totally random day––one that should have no meaning to you or your current mate. However, don't use an inability to select "the right day" as an excuse not to get this over and done with. The sooner that you deal with breaking up, the better for both of you.
- Choose a location for the break-up. Always break up in person––never on the phone, by mail or text. You owe the other person a face-to-face meeting. However, if you believe the break-up could be filled with intense drama, choose a public place, but avoid crowded, intimate restaurants. If your significant other decides to explode, he or she may not be concerned with the surroundings and have a very public reaction. Additionally, consider a place where you can make a quick getaway. Waiting to pay for the check at a restaurant can be very awkward, so head to a destination that will provide you with mobility. Some suggestions for places include:
- A spacious outdoor park (away from kids and playground equipment)
- A shopping mall
- The gym
- A coffee shop
- A bar and grille
- The beach
- An athletics park.
- Places to avoid:
- An intimate restaurant
- Your favorite place to go as a couple
- The movies
- Your or his/her home––however, some people feel more comfortable breaking up with someone from their own home turf if they're the only one living there, so this depends on the context
- While on vacation
- A play or concert.
- Let your new boyfriend/girlfriend know you plan to break up with your original mate. If you haven’t already told your new steady that you had someone else, now is a good time. If you want to have a strong, honest relationship with your new boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s imperative you alert your new honey to the situation. Along the same lines as breaking up with your other mate, choose a random day and place to tell your new boyfriend/girlfriend about the other person.
- Begin the conversation by reinforcing your feelings for him/her.
- Explain how your life has changed since you met him/her.
- Discuss your plans for the future with the new person.
- Gently tell him or her that you have current boyfriend/girlfriend, but that you will be breaking up on a certain date and why you plan to break up.
- Reassure your new boyfriend/girlfriend that the break-up will truly result in the end of that relationship.
- Contact your original boyfriend/girlfriend to arrange for a meeting in order to break up. Don’t tell the other person over the phone, email or text why you want to meet, but simply ask if you can meet on a certain day and time to talk. Don’t make a lot of small talk on the phone and definitely do not say things like, “I love you” or “I miss you.” Avoid confusing the situation--even if the other person is the one who says it first. Stand strong but be gentle.
- Prepare for the meeting. If you have to rehearse the delivery, do it. Just don't have notecards out in front of you and refer to them while you're breaking up. Punctuate the other person’s positive qualities first but make no qualms about why you're there––to break up. Ask the other person if they were truly happy in the relationship. You may be surprised to learn that he or she wasn’t happy either. (Be prepared for them to say they were though, in which case, asking them will backfire on you and you'll have to apologize and recognize that they were happy but explain that you're still not.) Other points to consider:
- Avoid telling the other person that they drove you into the arms of another––that will only escalate into an unproductive discussion and says more about your inability to be independent-minded than it does about them. It's not a tactic to escape unscathed; it's a way of telling your soon-to-be ex that you're making excuses.
- Don’t lead the other person on to think that you could possibly get back together. Make it clear that it's over.
- Don’t point fingers––it takes two to make a relationship work (or not work). Acknowledge your own faults, lack of participation and inability to contribute fully to the relationship.
- Don't drag out the past––remain in the “here and now” instead of talking about the time he or she kissed someone else, for example. The idea is to not apportion blame or to try to make your soon-to-be ex look bad; rather, help them to see that this is ultimately a good decision for the two of you.
- Be on time for the meeting. Show the other person respect by being prompt and exactly in the place where you agreed to meet, at the time you agreed. If you know that they're never prompt, take something along to do to pass the time so that you avoid getting frustrated waiting for them. Take a book, your eReader or play phone games. Just resolve to stay calm until they arrive (and after, of course).
- Remain calm and in control throughout the discussion. Keeping in control of a conversation means being ready to open it and to lead with the news of the break up as quickly as possible. Also be prepare to ask questions as much as or more even than you're asked questions, questions about how the other person is taking the news, how they're feeling and what they'll do next. By making them respond to your questions, it shows that you care enough about their welfare to be interested but also deflects a focus off you all of the time, as they're forced to think over how they're taking it and how they're going to move on.
- All the same, anticipate the possibility that your significant other could flip out so keep that in mind during your break up delivery. If you remain calm, perhaps you can tone down the situation.
- If they have items in your home, be sure to allow them plenty of space to retrieve their things without pressure or anxiety. You could even offer to have them delivered but don't sound like you don't want them to collect their own things if they want to.
- Keep an eye on the time. Don't allow the break up to last more than an hour. You owe the other person the time to discuss his or her feelings, but you don’t want to drag the break up out for hours; doing so will just encourage unhealthy wallowing and your ex will be tempted to raise a whole raft of reasons why this shouldn't be happening and why you need to reconsider. Have a good excuse ready such as meeting someone else, having to get work done or needing to get to bed early for an early meeting, etc. Offer to drop them back home if it helps or to shout them a taxi ride.
- Try to end the meeting on a good note. This may be impossible, especially if the other person wasn’t expecting it or didn’t want to break up. If the other person storms off, there is nothing you can do. However, if you can end it amicably, wish the other person well and you can even hug. Don’t make plans to see them soon or say, “Let’s be friends.” The break up is still too fresh to identify any future plans or friendship dynamic.
- After speaking with your “now former” significant other, arrange to meet your new squeeze to reassure him or her that you went through with the break up. They will need to be sure that you went through with it and that things are truly over and done with, allowing the two of you to proceed forward happily and with strength as an unencumbered couple.
Tips
- You could also try breaking up with the person the minute you lose interest, as opposed to waiting until you've met and become involved with someone else. Have a heart. Don't play with your relationships, they are not a joke.
- If you run into your former flame, while with your new boyfriend/girlfriend do not flaunt your new relationship. Of course don’t hide your boyfriend/girlfriend but be cordial and friendly––no PDA or mushy talk.
- Depending on how serious you were with the other person, avoid bringing any personal items to the break-up such as jewelry or symbolic gifts to return (i.e. a special teddy bears or birthday gift). The break-up speech is not the day to unload personal items––it will only pour salt into the other person’s wounds. These items can be returned more discreetly at a later, but not too distant, date.
Warnings
- There is always a risk that your new flame won't like any of this and will feel betrayed that you hadn't already ended a former relationship before entering a new one.
- If your original boyfriend or girlfriend won’t accept your initial break-up, repeat the steps above one more time. Re-evaluate your behavior to determine if you are doing anything to lead the person on or if you are giving him or her false hope. If not, eliminate all contact with the other person if he or she still will not accept that you are going to break up.
- If you feel as if your former flame continues to pursue you even though you have asked him or her to stop, say that you may seek a restraining order. Hopefully, simply saying it will get the other person to back off. If it doesn’t and you feel uncomfortable, proceed with the restraining order.
Related Articles
- Get Over a Break Up
- Break up With a Guy You're Just Not Interested In
- Rebound from a Break Up
- Survive a Bad Breakup
- Break up With a Long Distance Boyfriend/Girlfriend
- Get What You Want, when You Want It
- Make Your Ex Boyfriend Regret Breaking It Off
- Make Your Significant Other Break up With You
